Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘judgments’

Unconditional Love

The importance of maintaining balance in our thinking cannot be overstated especially when it comes to love. The saying that love is blind is real. Differences are viewed as exciting, clever even precious. Over time, however, we may start to see those differences in a more critical light and get to a place of judgment and assumption and find ourselves feeling a bit off or emotionally unsure at times…all from the result of our overactive minds. Take a moment and think about the last time you jumped to conclusions about your loved one only to find out later you were 100 percent wrong. You allowed yourself to become both judge and jury and decided their behavior was, at best, uncaring. When you found out ‘the other half of the story’ and realized your assumption was in error it was embarrassing right? Yet, we all do it until we decide in our hearts that the love we share is bigger and more important than any petty grievance and way too important to be questioned even for a moment. 
Fear is the culprit behind the lack of balance in our thinking. When you find yourself perseverating about something it comes purely from fear. Ask yourself what evidence you have to fear…most often than not there really is none. Yet, we can often imagine a million and one ‘what if’s’ while we let our minds run wild. Fear can be a wedge in even the strongest relationship.
Time to regroup. Time to stop judging and start appreciating, honoring and loving yourself and the special person in your life without fear. Are they different from you? Absolutely! Is that a good thing? You bet! When you judge you are saying, in essence, that they should be more like you! Really? Their differences make them who they are…the person you fell in love with…and that’s a beautiful thing. Do they always respond in a way that makes you comfortable or happy? Probably not. But truth be told they could probably say the same thing about you. I know that may be hard to believe but trust me on this – it’s true. We all have our idiosyncrasies.
When you truly love someone, unconditionally, there is no room for judgment or assumption. You see past their humanness. Your love embraces their whole being including any ‘shortcomings’ that you may attribute to them. In fact, the thought of shortcomings, in itself, means a judgment has taken place. You didn’t fall in love because you wanted a mirror image of yourself right – well hopefully not! Individual differences can add texture, color and depth to a relationship.
No one likes to be judged. It taps into a primal fear of insecurity and can close up our hearts as a form of protection. When we remember that we are all a loving being of the Universe that grows and blossoms from love the answer is quite clear. Slow down your thinking, trust and believe in the relationship and watch in amazement as it deepens even more over time. 
Have a great few days!

Adversity can be a Double Edge Sword!

We all know someone who just seems to experience so much more adversity in life than others. We may think to ourselves if they didn’t have bad luck they wouldn’t have any luck at all. How do they cope with it? How do they continue to put one foot in front of the other and face another day? These individuals can teach us a great deal about compassion and resiliency.

Two studies soon to be published by Dr. David DeSteno and graduate student, Daniel Lim of Northeastern University help us understand the real effects of adversity in a person’s life. We may think that living through adversity would naturally cause a person to be more compassionate but there’s more to it than that. DeSteno says, “Living through hardship doesn’t either warm hearts or harden them; it does both. Having known suffering in life usually heightens the compassion we feel for others, except when the suffering involves specific painful events that we know all too well.”

In the later case it seems our minds can quickly move into a judgment mode. The studies indicate that when we see someone living through an event similar to one we have lived through the natural human response is to downplay the difficulty we had in dealing with our life challenge and think to ourselves, ‘Well, I made it through and they just need to buck up and move on.’ Oh, if it were only that easy.

Each of us has chosen specific life challenges for the lessons involved. We cannot equate or compare one individual’s ability to cope to our own even in similar circumstances. Another way to think about it is that no two dramas are the same because of the human factor. We may have overcome a hardship or life altering event but it doesn’t mean that someone else can heal at the same pace. That’s what the stages of grief teaches us. Everyone has a right to heal and overcome at their own rate and time. Recognizing the needs of the individual and giving them the gift of time and understanding is where compassion comes in.

When we live through the loss of a loved one or experience,moor example, emotional or physical abuse the loss, fear and anger affects each of us in our own way. Some scars are deeper than others and take longer to heal. There is no blueprint to follow for the complex task of healing. Each of us struggles to understand and accept life according to our own strength, tenacity and reserve.

The next time we hear of someone who is experiencing a difficult time coping with an event in their life maybe we could put aside our own life experience, especially our words of advice, and just be there to listen and show we care. The greatest healing energy comes from the power and honor in the human connection.

The pay off to accepting where someone is at and offering an empathetic ear and caring heart is double fold. The person has a shoulder to lean on as they attempt to right themselves after the onslaught of their latest challenge and by bonding with them during a critical time in their life we fuel greater compassion and resiliency in ourselves. Something to think about.

Have a great few days!