Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Archive for March, 2016

Develop a Plan!

Neuroscientists are discovering incredible things about our brains. For instance, did you know that you can’t focus on both a positive and negative experience or memory at the same time? Find that hard to believe? Just try it…our brains simply will not let us hold two opposite or opposing thoughts or feelings at the same time. It forces us to choose. Maybe that’s a good thing because as humans our brains prefer to imprint a negative memory more so than a positive one. Why would this be?

It’s really more logical than we might think. According to Dr. Mark Waldman and other neuroscientists it’s a protective maneuver from our cave/hunting/gathering experiences. Our brains protect us from future threats by storing negative memories which may help us react faster if a new threat approaches than if we allowed ourselves the time to think about something using our conscious mind before reacting. So it’s really a survival technique.

However, we can actually cause our brains to release harmful stress neurochemicals when we continue to perseverate on negative issues. When we think about the negative issues in our lives the brain records them as happening over and over again each time we think about them. That’s why when we ruminate on the possibility of something bad happening we feel more and more exhausted, depressed or out of control. We can fall into the trap of feeling both hopeless and helpless as we spiral downward.

So what’s to be done? Developing a plan to address the issue is essential. Why? We feel more in control when we develop steps to address the concern – a plan gives our brains something to think about rather than allowing it to rehash the problems over and over. We begin to feel hopeful rather than hopeless.

What if the problem is so big and involves someone else who refuses to address it? When we love someone we want to help them and continuing to talk about the need to create a plan may not be heard the first or even the tenth time. Don’t be discouraged or give up. For some they may need to hear the message 30 times or more but little by little you can help them realize that things in life can change for the better – and it takes a plan of action – a belief that success is possible. Just remember the old adage…’inch by inch it’s a cinch’ regardless of the length of the journey it can only be accomplished step by step.

When we develop a plan we change our attitude and our energy. We become proactive rather than reactive as we tap into a reserve of strength from the Universe.

The famous British leader, Winston Churchill said in 1941, “This is the lesson: never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.” The enemy comes in many forms but you are more powerful!

Develop and plan and Do It!

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Resiliency – the Winning Factor!

You are stronger than you think… take a moment and take stock. Over the past month or week have you had to confront an issue or challenge that you simply did not think would be possible to overcome? Yet, somehow you dug deep to find the strength to carry on and develop a plan to address the circumstance. You persisted until you could and see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel and form a plan. Where did your strength come from… was it there all along just waiting to be tapped?

The answer to the question is yes…simply yes – but the reason behind the yes is even more enlightening because it was due to something called resiliency. Some people develop it early in life yet for others it may take much longer. Resiliency is more closely correlated to awareness than age. All of us can experience greater resiliency by learning what it takes to develop it.

Resiliency begins to form when we know that we are loved unconditionally – that someone (family or friends) are there for us when we need them. Further, when we have people in our lives that believe in us and frequently remind us that we have what it takes to be successful it helps us believe in ourselves and our own potential. In addition, when we are truly accepted regardless of our unique – maybe even challenging – personality traits and know that our ideas and opinions are valued and considered we develop greater personal strength. We begin to develop the real deal – authentic confidence. When we stop to think about it both the verbal and nonverbal messages we received from our family imprinted on our brains – early and often – as we were growing up. Were they messages of inclusion or differences? Another extremely important factor in developing resiliency is the need to live by clear and consistent boundaries in life. While some may think that boundaries are restrictive, unnecessary, or stifle a sense of independence actually the opposite is true. Boundaries give us a feeling of security which helps us develop into confident human beings. When we are growing up we may chafe at them but deep down they bring a calm, purposeful intent to our daily existence. Living with boundaries help us formulate the true North for our lives.

As the above conditions become integral in our life we begin to find our voice, develop positive listening skills and healthy conflict resolutions skills because we have a framework upon which to build.

Think about it this way, resiliency is like a chair with four legs – unconditional love from others, frequent positive messages about our own potential, clear and consistent boundaries, and positive communication and conflict resolutions skills. To be fully functioning human beings and support ourselves we need all four legs of the chair.

The importance of developing greater resiliency in life cannot be overstated. Without it we often see people who feel both helpless and hopeless – defeated before they even started. The good news is that we can become stronger, happier and more secure individuals when we work on developing greater resiliency in our lives and the lives of those we love. There is never a time limit on growth!

Have a great few days!

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The Truth of the Matter…

As children we were raised to always tell the truth – don’t lie, cheat or steal – and to treat others as we wanted to be treated. There was even a time when a firm handshake indicated a commitment – our word – to support an endeavor. Yet, lately these values seem to have been pushed aside by many and truth telling seems to have become a rare commodity. Did this happen overnight or was it a slow creep that we at first disregarded and then came to accept as the new norm? Whether we are dealing with areas such as the big pharma companies, college sports, financial institutions or more recently from some seeking the presidential nod we witness questionable ethics. Truth is being stretched, manipulated or even denied. As people we are left to wonder is truth even attainable and if so how do we access it?

Let’s look at a few specifics. I know of a person who has a serious medical condition that requires daily medication. Over the past four years this same medication has increased from $12,000 per month to nearly $20,000 – same dosage, same regime. Yes, you read that amount correctly – $20,000 – and since she has insurance this monthly cost is primarily picked up by them. That still doesn’t make it right.

Or how about the Southern Methodist University basketball player whose high school academic record was mysteriously altered to make him eligible to be recruited and play at the college level. You may think to yourself – I’ve heard similar stories before so you know the sad ending. The student eventually hits a brick wall but in the meantime, the institution makes hundreds of thousands of dollars off their skills. That’s not right.

Recently, we read reports that some financial institutions had been fined millions of dollars for their highly questionable practices (basically summed up as they win and we lose) yet when they were caught they were allowed to simply pay the fines and continue working in the same field. Seriously! ..that’s not right.

A few of our presidential candidates are even promising to fix everything – by themselves – a sort of one man band – without working through Congress. Do we really believe that anyone working alone can fix any and all ills that presently effect us? Forgetting about cell phone videos one candidate visiting Michigan recently announced at one of his events that due to space limitations, ‘thousands of people are outside unable to get a seat today.’ Ahh … here it comes … the YouTube video of this same event showed about 75 people and not ‘thousands’ were outside – some of whom had come to the event to protest. Why the need to exaggerate? Hmm… bigger is not necessarily better. Again, that’s not right.

Actually, amid all of the chaos we can access fact checkers, videos, and on line information like never before to help us separate the wheat from the chaff. But here is the challenge – we have to make time in our lives – even 15 minutes a day – to check further and not simply believe statements that are purposely repeated and repeated with greater flair each time in an effort to burn into our brains as ‘truth.’ The old adage stands… ‘If it sounds too good to be true – it probably is…’

I’m too old to believe a savior can ride in on a white horse, wave a magic wand and improve things overnight. It has taken years – decades even – to get to this point. But is it too much to ask for our business and political leaders to be held accountable and forced to demonstrate honesty? We need leaders who can be adults and put people above profit and truth above theatrics.

I will continue to refuse to believe that all is lost or that honesty was a thing of the past or accept the oft heard comment … ‘that’s just the way things are’… Instead, I will make a personal commitment to question, to seek the rest of the story, to use my brain to analyze the reality of the situation and be willing to gently but firmly share what I have discovered with others as I listen to their point of view. This takes time but what price are we willing to pay to reestablish integrity and honesty? What type of nation do we want our children and grandchildren to inherit?

I will continue to believe that everything happens for a purpose – that what goes around comes around – and to accept my responsibility in making positive change happen. The energy we put out to the Universe makes a difference. I choose to be a positive force of change, in my own way to the best of my ability. Because truth is not for sale to the highest bidder.

Have a great few days!

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