Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘Universal energy’

I Need to be Heard

Recently I had the privilege of leading a grief group for a local church. Those in the group experienced all types of losses – some of which they have continued to carry with them for years. Suffering can be the most powerful energy force in the Universe if – and only if – we use it as an instrument for change and process our loss fully.
When we experience any type of loss we question ‘Why me?” Maybe the real question is “Why not me?” Loss comes in so many forms – death, divorce, career and location change, empty nest, medical conditions that alter lifestyle – the list goes on and on – it is something that everyone of us will deal with in our lives. It is an equal opportunity employer. Yet we often remain woefully unprepared to handle the roller coaster of our emotions. We are guided on how to live by family, friends, school and church but rarely helped in learning how to handle loss. What is normal? Will I survive? Will this pain in my heart ever leave?
The average length of time that society gives us to grieve is two to three months and then we are expected to move on. Seriously! We know from research that the deeper our love the deeper our grief. For some it takes years to heal. Yes, we can heal but we will never quite be the same. Loss takes a piece of our heart in it’s wake.
When we try to ‘keep a stiff upper lip’ and move on without fully processing our loss it is like eating bad food…anything else that you eat after just doesn’t set quite right. If you find yourself stuck in grief try to find someone out there that you can talk with…the emphasis is on you talking and them listening.
A poem by Leslie Delp published in New Freedom, Pennsylvania basically says it all…

                          

                                        I Need to be Heard
I need to be heard…

Please don’t tell me how YOU feel!

I need to be heard…

Please don’t try to comfort me by telling me, “You’ll be better in time.”

I need to be heard…

Please don’t try to pacify me by trying to ‘top it’ with a hurt of your own.

I need to be heard…

Please don’t look away when I mention that precious name!

I need to be heard…

Can’t there be anger among sadness and misery?

I need to be heard…

Meet me where I am and LISTEN to me…

Until I don’t need to be heard anymore.
‘Just Behind the Door’ is a book I wrote on loss that has offered hundreds of folks hope amidst their sadness. It may be of help in working through grief and is available through Amazon. Another book, Grieving Mindfully by Sameet Kumar helps us breath deeply and mindfully at the times when you need it most. 
Have a great few days!

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What is your Word?

In this busy, busy world we often try to do more, faster and better and can get to a point of physical, mental or emotional exhaustion. We know there is more to life and long for something that will bring greater peace and enjoyment. I have often talked about the practice of Mindfulness in which slowing down, even momentarily and taking a few deep breaths and exhaling slowly to regain a sense of greater calm really works. It may sound deceptively simple but it truly works. 
Could it be that since we are inundated with a million and one self help books that we don’t have time to read that we just give up and continue to accept that life will never be any different than it is today? Well, let me make it easier for you.
In addition to the practice of Mindfulness how about adding one simple idea. A word… not a goal, affirmation, lengthy intention but simply just one word that is something you desire more of in your life? Words such as balance, trust, love, acceptance, gratitude, health, excitement, generosity and opportunity (the list goes on and on) are but a few words that can make a big difference to your overall well being. The easy thing about this is that you don’t even have to perseverate on which word you want to choose. Simply put the idea in your brain about selecting a word and let it just roll around in your thoughts for a few days. The absolute perfect word just for you will pop into your conscious thought and you will say….yes, that’s it! That’s what I want more of in my life. Once you decide on a word and you take that momentary deep breath to relax or calm down a bit let your special word come into your awareness. When you are driving, cooking, or working and you mind momentarily wanders think of your word. Keep that special word with you for 6 months even a year and just let it remind you and the Universe of what you most desire.
You may be thinking that it sounds to easy to be true. Well it does…but it isn’t! Until you try it you won’t know how powerful this approach can be. Try it for a week or two and just experience the difference. You will find that among all the noise and distractions of life the word you have chosen will bring you back to your true north.
Greater peace and contentment in life is actually not as hard to obtain as we may think. In our fast-paced world of today we need simplicity not complexity when we are trying to improve our lives and focus and calm our minds. Give yourself the gift of simplicity by breathing deeply and thinking of your special word. This approach is a gift you are giving yourself that will simply and easily keep on giving back to you effortlessly.
Try it – you’ll be so glad you did!
Have a great few days!

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Be in the Moment!

Dan Millman wrote in his book, ‘Way of the Peaceful Warrior’ the following, “The world was peopled with minds, whirling faster than any wind…addictions – used to distract from a chaotic inner life…the parade of regrets, anxieties, and fantasies…If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want you suffer.” Millman is pointing out that our minds wander and careen instantaneously though thoughts of yesterday – around regrets such as ‘I wish I would have, could have or should have,’ and thoughts of tomorrow often with the accompanying idea that ‘I’ll be happy when…’ – conditional happiness. But true happiness isn’t conditional and when we allow these types of random, chaotic thoughts to occupy the precious space in our brain we miss the moments of today. Moments that will never be repeated. Just look at the time right now and think…you will never get this moment back again. So how are you going to chose to spend the time you have on planet Earth?
When we lose our keys, misplace a bill, or forget an appointment it’s because we were not fully present at some point. Trying to do or think about multiple things simultaneously – ultimately results in less rather than more. No matter how smart we are we are still human and can’t divide our minds into separate screens like you can on a computer monitor and expect positive results …it just doesn’t happen that way. Think quality not quantity here. We can’t multi-task our way though life, trying to get more and more accomplished as we check off the one hundred and one things we did today without losing an essential part of ourselves and our relationships with others. Life becomes simply…what’s next. Often we get to a point where we are physically and mentally exhausted or overwhelmed with life. No wonder…we were so busy doing we forgot to be…
Being happy – truly happy in life requires that we engage in whatever we are doing. If we are talking to someone it means not letting our minds wander but giving them our full attention. Showing we care enough about what they are saying to fully listen is honoring them as human beings. I’ll bet you do that with the special people in your life what about others? When is the last time you really looked into the eyes of a sales clerk at the grocery store as they were checking out your food items. They are coached to say something like, ‘have a nice day’ but how often do we respond in kind or offer a thank you in return? They are human beings just doing their jobs yet are so often dismissed in our attempt to move faster and accomplish more. In the work setting as well as in our personal lives the greatest compliment we can receive is when someone says ‘I always feel valued, that you truly care. You make me feel like I am the most important person in the room.’ Being engaged doesn’t take more time – just focused awareness. Why not bring your total self to the equation? 
That’s what the practice of mindfulness is really all about and it is amazingly simple. It doesn’t cost anything and yields great personal benefit. It starts with slowly taking a long deep breath and exhaling slowly thinking only about that breath. As thoughts push into your mind (often at warp speed) just let them pass by and go back to thinking about your breathing. If you try your best to practice this calm breathing technique for even 3 to 5 minutes a day you will experience less anxiety and stress and feel more in control. As challenges pop up you will find yourself taking a deep breath before deciding on your next step. This process is all about responding calmly and deliberately rather than reacting quickly and pays great dividends. With practice you will be amazed at the increased depth of your awareness. Don’t be surprised if others begin to comment …they will notice as you begin to respond with a renewed sense of calm in your demeanor. And just think..it all starts with simply closing your eyes and breathing. It doesn’t get any easier than that right?

Have a great few days!

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The Power of Words!

Did you know our brains are wired toward negatives? When are ancestors were living in caves survival was the only game in town. Food, shelter and protection from outside threats kept them always on high alert – after all to relax could have meant certain death. Today, we all know some people who choose a negative mindset and it’s just plain exhausting to be around! Their default mode seems to be one of seeing their cup as half empty. Often that’s manipulation to get attention. You can’t really change a person who has lived their life choosing the ‘poor me’ syndrome. But, fast forward to 2016 – most of us now realize the tremendous importance of having a more positive mindset on our overall physical and mental health. Yes, we have to work at it at times but there is something we can do almost effortlessly to enhance our positive mindset.
A big one is to listen to our own word choices. Words are energy plain and simple – either negative or positive. When we allow ourselves to think in negatives or absolutes and use only a few choice word to vocalize our feelings it can keep us locked into viewing things negatively. Words such as awful, catastrophe, blowup, fight, or falling apart just to name a few sends an immediate message to our brains. Rather than using these type of words what if we started using words such as challenging, difficult or my favorite ‘an opportunity’ when a difficult situation presents itself. Words either serves to empower us to think of a way to address or improve something or serve to give our minds the message of being overwhelmed. 
In goal setting it is said that words trigger emotions on a subconscious level that result in beliefs, attitudes and ultimate behavior. What we think or say really does have a tremendous impact on our lives. Becoming aware of the words we use are the first step to a more positive mind set.
A perfect example is before us. I try to be informed during important events but have chosen to stop listening to any candidate on T.V. whose words just wear me down! The constant barrage of threats, fear and hate in speeches have taken its toll on our population. Hateful words have instigated brawls, riots, name calling and served to instill fear and hopelessness in many. When people feel they are being encouraged to act out or have nothing to lose they often reduce themselves to the lowest common denominator and can become a danger to themselves an others. The more we allow these negatives to infiltrate our minds the more upset, depressed or overwhelmed we become. 
In contrast, the uplifting words of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself,” or Winston Churchill, “Never, never, never, never give up!” begins to put in perspective the power of the spoken word – and just think… we can choose right here right now to bring more positive energy into our lives – and it all starts with something as simple as the words we choose to use. 
Have a great few days!

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This Works!

How many times have you wished you could just slow down your brain as it flits from past, present and future thoughts at warp speed? You know what I mean…when you simply can’t seem to relax and pretty soon you are thinking or worrying about so many things that you become a bit overwhelmed or exhausted. You may even start one thing and get distracted as you move to another and another. When I was working I remember at times that I seemed to be making myself nervous! I often wondered if there was a way to slow down those brain synapses. 
Well, there is now something that works and it easy to do! It’s called Mindfulness Training which was developed out of MIT originally to help cancer patients focus on their healing. The actual course consists of 30 hours of training and can be a challenge to work into a busy schedule but… I’m going to share the essence of it and resources on the web so you can begin to use it in your life. Trust me you will be glad you did.
Basically, it’s about paying attention to your breathing. I know… It sounds to simple or basic to be real but stay with me on this. With eyes closed sitting in a relaxed position stay focused on each breath as you inhale and exhale. As each new thought pops into your mind (and at first there will be hundreds it seems) you simply let each thought go and return to the awareness of breathing. This will take a few times to actually get into the hang of it but sooner rather than later it will actually get easier.
This technique actually changes a part of your brain which increases your ability to slow down and focus. I have often wrote about neuroplasticity which is the brains way to change with new stimuli. The research on Mindfulness actually proves that is exactly what is happening when you practice this frequently. You are giving your brain the message that you want greater focus with a more calming approach to attend to your daily tasks. The amazing thing is that this doesn’t slow you down or lessen what you can achieve but you do so in a much more calm, positive and productive way. Just think… this is without any artificial stimulants!
To get started I suggest that you go to the HOV.com website (Hospice of the Valley) and click on ‘News and Resources.’ Scroll down on the page to ‘Mindfulness Classes’ and click on the text ‘Enjoy a Mindfulness sitting right now.’ You will see 12 different options. For each option you can listen to someone walk you through the exercise. I suggest the 5 or 15 minute sitting a few times each week. According to the research it is more beneficial to do a short exercise frequently rather than a longer one less often.
This is the first time I have ever discovered something that helps focus, calm and bring a sense of control in even the most challenging circumstance. Try it for a week or two. Once you get the hang of it you can sit quietly even in your car, breathe slowly for 3 of 5 minutes before going into your next appointment and center yourself. You will be amazed at the difference!
Have a great few days!

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Make It Happen! 

In the late 1970’s (yes, I am disclosing my age) I taught many classes on goal achievement from material written by Dr. Lou Tice. At the time it was looked upon as rather cutting edge – a way to show people how they could actually attain what they wanted In life. However, this approach was first taught by Robert Collier (1885-1950). His now famous instruction: “See the things that you want as already yours. Know that they will come to you. Then let them come. Don’t fret and worry about them. Don’t think about your lack of them. Think of them as yours, as belonging to you, as already in your possession.” Since that time books such as ‘The Secret’ among many, many others have utilized the concepts from Collier and Tice to help us understand that our thoughts are so much more powerful than we may think. We all remember the phrase – garbage in garbage out. Well it’s the same idea with goal attainment only in reverse with positive thought, word and action rather than negative. What you think about most often, WITH EMOTION comes to pass every time. 
In essence, you are sending out to the Universe a laser like beam of positive energy when you focus on something you want in your life. As with everything in life – like attracts like. So if you want something and you can feel with positive emotion how great it will be once it is achieved or received the Universe really does responds in kind. It works like a magnet to bring whatever is foremost in your mind to you.
It is important to be specific. When I was teaching that first series in goal attainment way back in the dark ages a person in the class wanted a patio set. Sounds easy enough right? But I pushed her further to describe the shape, size, color, and last but most important how much she was willing to pay for it. The cost is important. When you state the cost you then relax in knowing that you can afford it – it’s in your mental budget. That’s the essence of constructive motivation. Think of this approach as your personal ‘Amazon in the Universe.’ You see it, feel it, order it and it is delivered to you!
You might wonder why such specificity is important. Quite simply, with each detail you think about you are giving the goal more energy, more excitement. If it is a new house, for example, visualize yourself signing papers with a smile on your face, walking though it with tremendous pride and happiness and knowing in your heart that this is exactly what you wanted and for the amount you wanted to pay. Remember, the more you can feel it, see it and think it the quicker it will come to pass. 
At first, you might think that this approach is a bit far fetched. Trust me it is not. You are meant to have a happy, abundant life. All you have to do is believe that you are worthy, and truly deserve it and it will be yours.
Well, you might be thinking, if this is so easy why doesn’t everyone do it. Good question…the only thing I can think is that if you are a skeptic, don’t believe you are worthy, or have other negative emotions in your mind that type of energy forms a block to the Universe and your message to the Universe is short circuited. If you really can’t see it or truly believe it’s possible you push it away.
Goal attainment calls for a full on press to the finish line. Give it a try and let me know how it felt when what you desired was received. As with everything in life remember the importance of gratitude when you achieve it. Gratitude fuels the Universe. 
Have a great few days! 

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Resiliency – the Winning Factor!

You are stronger than you think… take a moment and take stock. Over the past month or week have you had to confront an issue or challenge that you simply did not think would be possible to overcome? Yet, somehow you dug deep to find the strength to carry on and develop a plan to address the circumstance. You persisted until you could and see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel and form a plan. Where did your strength come from… was it there all along just waiting to be tapped?

The answer to the question is yes…simply yes – but the reason behind the yes is even more enlightening because it was due to something called resiliency. Some people develop it early in life yet for others it may take much longer. Resiliency is more closely correlated to awareness than age. All of us can experience greater resiliency by learning what it takes to develop it.

Resiliency begins to form when we know that we are loved unconditionally – that someone (family or friends) are there for us when we need them. Further, when we have people in our lives that believe in us and frequently remind us that we have what it takes to be successful it helps us believe in ourselves and our own potential. In addition, when we are truly accepted regardless of our unique – maybe even challenging – personality traits and know that our ideas and opinions are valued and considered we develop greater personal strength. We begin to develop the real deal – authentic confidence. When we stop to think about it both the verbal and nonverbal messages we received from our family imprinted on our brains – early and often – as we were growing up. Were they messages of inclusion or differences? Another extremely important factor in developing resiliency is the need to live by clear and consistent boundaries in life. While some may think that boundaries are restrictive, unnecessary, or stifle a sense of independence actually the opposite is true. Boundaries give us a feeling of security which helps us develop into confident human beings. When we are growing up we may chafe at them but deep down they bring a calm, purposeful intent to our daily existence. Living with boundaries help us formulate the true North for our lives.

As the above conditions become integral in our life we begin to find our voice, develop positive listening skills and healthy conflict resolutions skills because we have a framework upon which to build.

Think about it this way, resiliency is like a chair with four legs – unconditional love from others, frequent positive messages about our own potential, clear and consistent boundaries, and positive communication and conflict resolutions skills. To be fully functioning human beings and support ourselves we need all four legs of the chair.

The importance of developing greater resiliency in life cannot be overstated. Without it we often see people who feel both helpless and hopeless – defeated before they even started. The good news is that we can become stronger, happier and more secure individuals when we work on developing greater resiliency in our lives and the lives of those we love. There is never a time limit on growth!

Have a great few days!

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Is it Time?

How often have you been faced with what seems like the same challenge and said to yourself, ‘this just isn’t fair!’ When we are able to stop and think to ourselves, ‘what do I need to learn from this latest issue in my life?’ big things start to happen. You are taking ownership for your part in the whole process. One thing is for sure … the lesson has continued to surface for a reason – could it be that you need to address it differently than you have in the past? It’s all about learning the life lessons we have chosen this time around.

When we turn the kaleidoscope ever so slightly to determine why certain things continue to challenge us we are allowing ourselves to discover the pattern, the true lesson involved. You can do this by asking yourself ‘why’ and after the first answer comes to mind take that answer and ask why again.. and again. Do this process three times to get to the deeper ‘Aha’ – which is the real reason and subsequent lesson.

Let’s say you seem to continue to face a lack of money, friends, job opportunities or to have concerns regarding family. When you take the time to analyze the way YOU have been responding – maybe ignoring the issue, refusing to get involved, becoming overly involved, or judging the person (the list of possibilities goes on and on) often your response is the same as it has been in the past and thus you’re getting the same results. The Universe will respond by giving you harder and harder issues around the same theme until you get it. Let’s break this self defeating cycle. Remember the phrase, ‘First God whispers, then talks and finally shouts to get our attention.’

Another way to determine the lesson is to ask yourself ‘what’s the most difficult thing for me to handle about this latest situation?’ You know what I mean, it’s the thing that continues to pop up and you say to yourself ‘the next time I’ll deal with that differently’ but you really don’t – Ahh… yes, there it is … the nugget of truth – the reason behind the reason.

Let’s commit to make a change. Let’s start to view challenges as opportunities for our own personal growth and our road will become easier to navigate with less detours and stops along the way. We have often heard that it’s not the challenges in life that make the difference; it is how we handle them.

Try to measure any difficult issue against the rest of your life to help keep it in perspective. We have many things for which to be grateful and yes we also have many things to learn and overcome. Above all, remember the phrase, ‘this too shall pass’ because it will – sooner or later – the when is up to you.

Have a great few days!

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Celebrate Your Authentic Self!

Those who have lived a long life and learned a great deal in the process have an important message for us… ‘live a life true to yourself and not simply one that others expect you to live’ – in other words to be your authentic self.

At a Commencement address at Stanford University Steve Jobs reiterated this thought when he said, “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your inner voice… have the courage to follow your heart and intuition …they somehow already know what you truly want to become…”

A famous line from Shakespeare’s play Hamlet says, ‘To thine own self be true…’

So there we have it, a few quotes from hundreds of different sources spanning in time from the 1600’s to the present yet with the same idea – to live authentically by knowing our own values, preferences and abilities and being strong enough to be our genuine self during our life’s journey.

Some people are afraid of being authentic or truly known because they worry that if others really knew them they might reject them. That’s possible for any of us but not likely. Besides those people who make it a habit of rejecting others are basically unhappy, stressed, uninspired and just stuck in their own life. Others do not listen to them because they are simply too exhausting to be around. So think about that for a moment…do you really need to care about being accepted by everyone? Ask yourself, what is the worst possible thing that could happen if someone rejected you… could you survive it? My guess is – absolutely! Why not relieve yourself of the pressure of trying to be perfect and just be who you were designed to be – your beautiful and unique – one of a kind self!

The Universe provides us the opportunity to learn our chosen life lessons. Could it be that one of those lessons is to learn to be true to ourselves? If so, how are you doing with that? Is it time to remove your mask and breathe deeply into your own truth? I assure you that you’ll be glad you did. After all, the Universal Energy doesn’t make mistakes and you are exactly who you are supposed to be – and that’s a wonderful thing!

The title of Mike Robbin’s book says it all… ‘Be Yourself, Everyone Else Is Already Taken.’

Have a great few days!

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Being Confident Enough to Apologize

Have you ever said something that in retrospect you wish you hadn’t? As of today, If I had kept count in my life I would be in the millions of times that I have done so. We may be sorry, embarrassed and often even angry at ourselves after having a ‘slip of the tongue’ but the real issue becomes what we choose to do about it.

The power of a sincere apology cannot be overstated. It’s like making a deposit in your emotional bank account rather than a withdrawal. It really does mean something to the one receiving it when it is heartfelt. When you can look someone in the eye, or take the time to connect in some other way and really give an apology the attention that it deserves amazing things can happen. Personally, you stop playing the comments over and over in your head trying to justify them, you stop perseverating on the exact words used and that heavy, embarrassed, negative feeling leaves you. Most importantly, the person you are apologizing to feels like you care about them, that you’re human and that they can trust you to listen and not attack them or put them down in the future. You may not make a friend from an apology but one thing’s for sure… you won’t make an enemy.

Just think, all of this can happen when you put yourself in the shoes of the person receiving your ‘slip of the tongue’ and try to feel how it has affected them. The art of a sincere apology is only perfected when you are strong enough within yourself to admit that none of us are perfect, has all the answers or says the right things every moment of our lives.

I once knew a person who said that he ‘wouldn’t lower himself enough to apologize to a particular child’ that he had misjudged. I felt badly for the student but even worse for this man and told him so. What a sad way to go through life … thinking any human being – man, woman or child – is beneath you. With examples like this we can watch the Universe provide greater and greater opportunities to him to learn the lesson of humility until he gets it… apologies show strength NOT weakness!

So give yourself the benefit of using a well timed apology the next time you may be a bit too ——-(fill in the blank) with someone then pat yourself on the back and take pride in knowing that showing a bit of humility just makes you incredibly stronger!

Have a great few days!

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