Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘near death experience’

Gratitude, Grace and Love

Life is temporary for all of us. We have chosen our expiration date and various lessons for reasons known only to ourselves. The commonality I see in all the lessons is gratitude, grace and love. There is no better way to see these attributes demonstrated than to help those less fortunate. For many, circumstances and challenges seem to pile up and yet they seem to be able to see beyond and believe in a better tomorrow. These people recognize the importance of living one day at a time and are such positive examples of grace. They have so little in material possessions and yet they have boatloads in gratitude, and love. The various charitable organizations exist to lend them a hand as they continue to face the struggles in their lives. Maybe those less fortunate have chosen to live their lives to teach us to remember who we are, to learn what inspires us and to find our purpose in the things we can do for others.

Whenever I pass the bell ringers for the Salvation Army that we see outside the stores during the holiday season I stop and put something in the red collection buckets. Today at one of the big box stores a woman was sitting and ringing the familiar bell. As I was searching in my purse to get to my wallet she simply said, ” Thank you!” She had no idea what amount I was going to offer but her gratitude came shining through with her smile. She went on to tell me that of 30 people walking pass her maybe one would stop and drop something into the bucket. I was shocked. I know that times are tough financially for all of us but would giving a dollar or even a few coins to this worthwhile organization be too much to ask when we realize that it goes directly to someone in need?

I see this same ‘attitude of gratitude’ when I make my runs to Goodwill to drop off things I no longer need. The appreciation and gratitude on the faces of the workers once again comes shining through. I asked a man at Goodwill the other day what time the drive though drop off closes. He responded, 6 P.M. but explained that he is there every night until 9 P.M. so I could just go in and get him and he would gladly unload my car for me. I though to myself, once again, what a positive, uplifting attitude! If I tried to define gratitude I wouldn’t need to use words but simply use a picture of these two individuals. No matter what we have or do not have it really is about gratitude, grace and love. It really does make the world go ’round.

Have a great day!

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Embrace Happiness

I read a book recently entitled, “be happy,” by Robert Holden, Ph.D. The subtitled says ‘release the power of happiness in YOU.’ I must admit until I read this book I had not processed the thought of happiness in quite the same way. Holden says, “Maybe we get stressed and depressed because we forget how to be happy.” The eight week course that he has transcribed in his book offers great food for thought. For instance, he asks us to think about who is the happiest person we know. That will give you pause as you think of at least 10 people and their attitudes – do their really embody happiness? Well, I can think of two people. One person gets up in the morning and the first thing she says is, “It’s a beautiful day.” It can be raining or snowing but she is happy to be alive. Being around her causes you to see more of the positives in life. What a lesson for the rest of us. We remember the statement that teachers come along just when the student needs them. Another person I know will often have music playing in her house and do a little dance step as she is at the stove making dinner. It makes you happy just being in her presence. Both of these people genuinely love life. Do they have stresses and challenges like the rest of us – absolutely – but they refuse to let go of the happiness that is their birthright.

Holden also talks about the importance of making happiness a conscious intention. For instance, if the first thing you tell yourself when awakening in the morning is that, “Today, I choose to be happy,” you automatically start your day with more positive energy. It may sound a bit strange but think about the alternative. If we don’t put our intention out there we just let life happen to us and we may have the tendency to see our glass as half empty rather than half full. Granted the same amount is in the glass but it is the ENERGY we bring to the thought that can bring happiness and opportunity to us – or not – for the rest of the day.

Think about the people you like to be around. Of course they are good listeners because everyone likes to have someone listen to them but in addition they actually cause you to feel more hopeful, more energizes (there is that word again!) just being around them.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all committed to bringing more happiness to ourselves and others? What activity gives you energy? I love to put my ear buds in and walk a few fast paced miles in the morning to music. My neighbors just wave as they see me walk through the neighborhood sometimes singing along with the lyrics. Guess what – maybe a smile came across their face as they watched me and maybe it will be infectious. Life is like that – we often mirror the energy around us.

What can you do tomorrow to let the world know that you are glad to be alive?

Have a great few days and remember – think happiness – it is your birthright!

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Developing Plan B

The beloved Theodor Seuss Geisel, affectionally known simply as Dr. Seuss wrote a book in 1990 that has become a classic. It is entitled, Oh, the Places You’ll Go.” Although it has become the perfect gift to give others when they graduate from nursery school to graduate school, the thoughts and lessons are timeless, ageless and worth considering.

The book refers to the bang-ups and hang-ups we all experience in life and talks about the difficulty of ‘un-slumping’ ourselves when we meet a road block. The challenge of choosing the next path in our lives can be daunting even paralyzingly at times. All of a sudden (or so it seems) life has changed course and you are left questioning, ” What do I do next?” This is especially true for those of us who have experienced a major change in our lives, especially a loss. At first, time seems to stand still, then evolves into a slow drag stage. Sooner than we may be ready, life begins to resume at full pace – at least for the rest of the world. We are left wondering, does anyone remember that I lost a loved one who is irreplaceable to me? Do they see the bleeding of my heart? You think to yourself, my head knows what happened but when will my heart accept it?

Developing a Plan B for your life may take every once of energy you have and leave you breathless just putting pencil to paper but it is absolutely critical to do so. Plan B can become your life line – your reason to get out of bed in the morning. You may wonder, when will I shake this? Is there something wrong with me? Followed, of course, by the thought will I ever be the same again?

There is nothing wrong with you when you react like this to loss. You are gradually accepting that the change – the loss is real and no amount of wishing or hoping will change the fact that your heart is broken. It will take time and the loving support of others to help you regain your footing. It may take a lifetime – be patient with yourself. Beyond family and friends a talented grief counselor can help. Maybe that is why God/Universal Energy put these folks in our lives, to help us stand when we can not find the strength or will to do so for ourselves. Yes, your life will be unalterably changed but not stopped, not frozen in time. You will dig out of the hole you may be in and gradually see the light at the end of the tunnel. You may think you are slipping back into the morass of ‘why’ from time to time. It’s okay – you are okay. Remember, as my son said in my book, our lives are like a photo album with pages that are left blank. They will be filled in over time.

So what is the good news? You have memories to last forever. You were given the gift of unconditional love for another. No one can ever take that away from you. The depth of your loss is directly proportionate to the depth of your love. You loved deeply and well and have been forever changed by it. Deeper as a person, a little less quick to jump to conclusions and more aware of the magnificence and delicate nature of life.

You will be ready to help the next person who crosses your path when they experience a major life change or loss and will serve as a model of survival. Granted, you may be a little battered and bruised but upright nonetheless. When you run across someone that seems to believe there is an acceptable or normal amount of time for grieving you will think to yourself that they have a very important lesson yet to learn. Yet, you will be ready to help them when they experience a loss. Why? Because you have survived a major life change – or loss – and your loved one would want you to ‘pay your lessons forward.’ The Universe is about learning our lessons, being grateful for love and becoming more aware of the significance of our individual purpose.

Have a happyThanksgiving!

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Be the Change

Tuesday was an important day for citizens in the U.S. We had the opportunity and responsibility to go to the polls and vote for the person we chose to represent us as president of our country for the next four years. We studied the issues and made an informed decision. Regardless of our choice of candidate, we knew that our voice is important. We were given this time in history and have earned the privilege to be counted.

Mahatma Gandi made a powerful statement when he said, ” Be the change you want to see in the world.” It has been a long political season that has divided some and united others. The devastating hurricane on the east coast has caused so many to experience the loss of family, friends and possessions. As they struggle to rebuild and cope with their tremendous losses our hearts go out to them. For many it will take the rest of their lifetime to recover. The Red Cross is receiving millions of dollars in donations to help these people exist as they live through the aftermath of the worst storm in their history. Once again, Americans have put aside their political differences to help those in need. We are a generous people who see hurt and loss and want to fix it.

As the votes are counted and the winner announced we will put our differences behind us and move forward, together, to be the change we envision. We are strong, resilient people who care about each other. On the outside we may resemble a nation of differences but underneath our hearts beat and veins bleed as one. We will survive and thrive by being the positive change for this world that Mahatma Gandi was referring to because we see a cause greater than ourselves. Time is on our side when we remember that everything happens for a purpose and all is as it should be. The Universe does not make mistakes but gives us the opportunity to learn our lessons in our own time frame through love and deeper understanding of the tremendous gifts we have been given. We are grateful to be living in a country that values our opinions and consistently supports those who are in greater need. It is all about love of self and others.

An unknown author referring to time wrote,

Time is
Too slow for those who wait
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice;
But for those who love
Time is eternity.

Have a great few days!

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Your True Compass

For those of us who have experienced a personal loss in our lives it is difficult enough to muster up the energy to feel positive on a daily basis. Yet, during this election season it seems that when we turn on the news we are inundated with more negatives. The hiccup of either candidate is heard, replayed, fact checked and then repeated again during the next news segment so that the team of news analysts can tell us what was meant by what was said. It is both exhausting and frustrating. The negative energy that is being promulgated into the Universe has to be off the chart. I work at staying positive and staying informed. I don’t want to miss the opportunity to voice my opinion and have my vote counted.

Recently, the autobiography of Ted Kennedy caught my attention and I decided to read the entire 500 plus pages. As I read over the 70 year time span, I was amazed at how long it took Washington to change things for the better for the 99 percent of us who, as my mom would say, were ‘not born with a silver spoon in our mouths.’ It helped me put in perspective the amount of time necessary to make fundamental changes in our country. After finishing the book I felt optimism for our future, regardless of what the evening news presented. What I do know is that positive energy, hard work and a belief in the divinity within us will change the world. Robert Kennedy said, “some men see things as they are and say why. I dream things that never were and say why not.” When you lose a loved one that phrase has a depth of meaning that can be felt in your very core.

I believe we are seeing the transformation we needed in this country. The housing market is improving, college loans are now more available, jobs are developing again and the auto industry is alive and well and living in the USA! I have talked to many people over the past 3 years about the economy. It is good to hear the true American spirit that I was raised with coming through once again. People are glad to have their jobs even if it means more overtime or higher expectations from their bosses. My dad always told me to give your employer 150 percent for every $1 they give you and I have lived by that motto. Together we have all made this country great. We have had tremendous challenges and are beginning to see and feel the optimism that is uniquely American rise to the surface once again.

We are living out our own unique story chapter by chapter. As spiritual beings in a physical body, we are learning our lessons and moving toward the light and love of God/Universal energy. An important part of seeing our own truth is what we do for those less fortunate and for those who need a shoulder to lean on as they regain their balance. Let information and truth be your light and positive energy surround you over the next 10 days. Open your heart and breath in the energy that unites us all with a power greater than ourselves.

Have a great few days!

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Allow Yourself to Heal

I talked to a person recently who said that they no longer feel joy in their life since losing their loved one. They feel anxious, unable to concentrate and just basically empty inside. I understand. I have been there. From the moment you wake in the morning a heaviness descends around you and you have to absolutely will yourself to take that first step of the day. The loss of someone you love is not easy to put into words. Loyalty, trust and joy are just a few of the emotions felt when we love someone so deeply. We think to ourselves, now all that is gone from my life. Our grief is not only for today but the many unrealized tomorrows.

An important part of healing from loss or even just making it through the challenges of living as we learn our life lessons is to ‘allow.’ By definition, allow is ‘to permit.’ To give yourself permission to feel, grieve, remember, even momentarily to wish things had been different, and it is a natural part of grieving the changes that happen in our lives.

We are so used to making things happen that to just allow life to unfold seems counterintuitive. We may feel that it is a cop out, an excuse to do nothing. Quite the contrary. If we turn the kaleidoscope in our minds ever so slightly, we will see that when we allow, we resist the urge to try to control everything or to demand life be a certain way to make us happy. We still strive to become all that we can be but as things happen that hurt or derail us we look at them not with indignation but with a deeper understanding as we search for the personal lessons contained within them. To learn to allow is a hard lesson. To me, that one little word – allow – means a combination of acceptance for what is combined with a belief that ‘all is as it should be.’ It speaks of a power, an energy, greater than ourselves

Take some time over the next few days to think about the word ‘allow.’ How would your life be different if you looked at events, challenges even losses in your life and thought to yourself, my life is about accepting that the Universe is unfolding in perfect order. When you learn to allow, a sense of peace envelops you and you begin to exhale the stress that is so deeply bottled up within you.

A poem that has been meaningful to me on this lesson of allowing life to unfold was written by R. Bach.

A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction
and at such a speed,
It feels an impulsion…this is the place to go now.
But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns
behind all clouds,
And you will know, too, when you lift yourself high enough
To see beyond horizons.

Have a great few days!

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Happiness is an Inside Job

Listening to a webcast yesterday, I was hooked from the first statement. The moderator (Lisa Garr, the host of the Aware Show) said, “Did you know the number one goal people have worldwide is to be happy.” Then she added a shocking statistic, when responding to a survey on personal happiness, Nigerians ranked number 1 with the happiest people and the U.S. ranked 46 out of the 50 areas surveyed. Researching this further, I discovered that Nigeria has a per capita income of $2,748. The people of this country live on $1.25 -$2.00 per day. Health care, life expectancy even access to drinking water in the rural areas are major challenges dealt with on a daily basis. Yet, they are happier? Why?

Robert Holden, a British psychologist has been running a course on happiness for over 15 years. He explains that when we look OUTSIDE ourselves for happiness it is our ego controlling our thinking. For instance, the thought, ‘I will be happy when…’ ( I get a better job, a new boss, more money, etc.) is conditional happiness that doesn’t last. If you, by chance, achieve one of your “wish fors” by habit you will simply replace it with the next thing on your mental want list and feel unhappy, unsettled once again. Funny how that works. We are never at a loss for our next want. This approach keeps us locked into a thinking pattern of lack rather than abundance. We focus on the negative energy involved in what we don’t have causing us to feel lack in our lives rather than on what we do have which brings the positive energy of abundance to our tables.

Maybe the Nigerians do not live in a constant state of want but rather accept what they have with a belief in themselves and a higher power, feeling gratitude for simply being able to live another day. Sounds deceptively simple, yet their happiness ranking is number 1. They must be doing something differently than we are to achieve that ranking.

We each have the DNA of Divinity in us. Being happy, regardless of our circumstance is something we can achieve if we recognize the root cause of happiness. We were born happy – a gift from the Universe. Somewhere along the way we began comparing ourselves to others and accepting negative messages or experiences in our lives as truth. We may have lost our happiness – our belief and confidence in ourself – along the way. Our egos may have gotten involved and we began judging ourselves and others and the cycle of unhappiness began. Something in our lives from then on just felt a bit off.

Let’s return to the place where we were early in our lives, a place before life happened to us, a place of self acceptance. You are on your own unique path and learning the lessons you have chosen to learn in this lifetime. You don’t need to be more or less of something. You are perfect in the image of the Divine. When you think about it the Divine Energy that created you doesn’t make mistakes. The Energy made you perfect in every way so that you could learn the lessons you have chosen to learn this time around. You are learning, growing and becoming the person you wanted to become. Once you accept yourself, unconditionally, for who you really are – a spiritual soul in a physical body who is on their own unique path of learning, you experience happiness from the INSIDE and that can’t ever be taken away from you. It is not something to be bought, achieved or acquired. In other words, happiness truly is an inside job.

It may take time for these thoughts to take seed. I visualize these ideas like a feather. They are not something to be grasped at but rather to let settle into your outstretched hand or mind as you think about them over time. True happiness – the kind that brings a smile to your face for no apparent reason at all – will come to you once you accept the thought that the DNA of Divinity is in you and remember that the Universal Energy/God does not make mistakes.

Have a great few days!

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Help Someone Heal

Thank you to those of you who emailed me directly to respond to my blog on Sunday. It is reassuring that I am helping people who have experienced loss and the challenging, confusing and life altering feelings that accompany the letting go of what was…

Over the last few days, three different people have talked to me about loss involving a senseless act of violence. Taking someone’s life cannot be fully understood by those of us remaining here on earth. We ask ourselves, why would someone do such a horrendous thing? Our minds cannot process it and work through it to arrive at an understanding. We may think the perpetrator of a violent act was not in their right mind, extremely troubled, or did not have a stable upbringing, the list goes on and on. Whatever rationalization we attempt falls short. It still does not seem fair that the flame of someone’s life has been snuffed out as quickly as the flame from a candle. Another useless killing. Another family left to try to function in the aftermath.

Over 6,600 deaths from all causes occur daily in the U.S. The rate for homicides has dropped from a high of 9.8 percent per 100,000 in 1991 to 4.8 percent per year in 2010. These numbers are important. They show a significant drop in homicides and should help us feel a little safer. However, it would be impossible to expect the families of victims of these violent crimes to be encouraged by the numbers since they will no longer have their loved ones in their lives. Grief hurts. The longer it envelopes your life, the deeper the wound becomes. When I talk with someone who has lost a loved one 20 years ago and they still cannot muster up a genuine smile, their eyes showing a depth of hurt that is impossible to describe, my heat goes out to them. They seem to have stopped living and are merely existing. It is, as if, their life has become a sentence that they are simply living out.

On my blog last Sunday, I mentioned a man who lost his wife in a vehicular accident caused by a drunk driver. He has received signs that his wife is giving him to assure him she is still around him with loving concern. Again the statistics are improving but the pain continues. Traffic fatalities have decreased in the past five years. In 2010, the latest recorded statistic, 32,885 people lost their lives in motor vehicle accidents. Fewer is better but once again, doesn’t offer peace to those families who are facing each day without their loved one.

What can we do to help the thousands of walking wounded that have lost their loved ones through any type of loss? You can make a difference. Making a concerted effort to listen to them as they repeat and repeat what happened as they process the reality of their loss is so important. You don’t have to offer any sage advice but simply listen with love. Give them the gift of a empathic listener. Showing them you care by taking the initiative to connect with them and offering the little things that may cause them to think about healing their grief may be the life line they need. I know through experience that reading about others who have survived a loss can give hope for tomorrow. Usually these people do not even know what they need to achieve closure. Do the research to find specific support groups, or grief counselors by name and number so that they do not have to search for these on their own but can simply call a number if they so choose. Books or articles may tell a story that just resonates with them and offers the encouragement they need to take the small, arduous steps needed for recovery. When the student is ready the teacher comes along. Tomorrow the same ideas you may have mentioned previously just might be internalized and accepted by them if they are ready. Don’t give up just continue to support them as they struggle to stand and face tomorrow.

Each of us can do something to help. Eventually, we may be able to see them return from the grip of loss and move on with their lives. It won’t be easy and it won’t be fast. Their mind and heart must crawl through the muck of hurt, anger and denial to get to a point of acceptance. Be patient and be there with love for a human being who is raw with the loneliness and pain of loss.

As my son said in my book, Just Behind the Door, ” Mom, all is as it should be.” It has taken me years to truly ‘get this’ and to decide to live the rest of my life knowing the Universe did not make a mistake with his passing. My lesson has been to keep the wonderful memories alive that I have of him and move on with my life in peace, love and a knowing that I am helping others.

There is a poem in my book that has helped me and I offer a part of it to you.

When I am gone, release me, let me go.
I have so many things to see and do,
You must not tie yourself to me with too many tears
But be thankful we had so many good years….
So grieve for me a while, if grieve you must
Then let the grief be comforted by trust…
I won’t be far away for life goes on.
And if you need me, call and I will come…
And if you listen with your heart, you will hear,
All my love around you soft and clear…

Please make a copy of this blog and pass it on to someone who might benefit from it. There are so many out there who need a hand extended to them in love.

Have a peaceful few days.

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Being Authentic in Grief

We often hear about the importance of being positive. Seeing your glass as half full rather than half empty is a mindset involving both a skill and an art. It is something that we work on continuously throughout our lives. We like ourselves better when we are positive. Others want to be around us because we have an energy field that is welcoming and uplifting. An important part of being in a positive state involves being our authentic selves. When we recognize and honor our true feelings about something that happened to us, we are being authentic. We are strong enough to show others that we are the same, emotionally, on the inside as the outside.

Being authentic, especially through personal loss is both the hardest and most important thing we can do for ourselves. Challenging or catastrophic experiences involving loss (death, divorce, separation) or other wounds or scars can easily become deeply buried in your psyche because the pain seems so great that you feel unable to confront your own feelings. You may be afraid that if the floodgate holding back your feelings is opened, you may never be able to get it together again. I understand, I have been there. I can tell you that those buried feelings just fester inside you and the anger and hurt you feel can become toxic in your mind and body. The choice between being authentic and verbalizing your true feelings or burying them cannot be overstated. I truly believe it is the difference between simply existing or a life well lived.

Finding a trusted friend who is willing to take all the time YOU need to work through your loss is critical. A good listener just listens and does not rush to tell you how you should handle something or how you should feel. These people are rare to find but are out there and will be of immense help to you. Grief counselors are trained to listen well and can also be invaluable in your search for peace. Send the intention out to the Universe to deliver someone to help you if you are emotionally stuck in a quagmire of anger, blame or discontent. You know you have found that great listener when you explain your situation and they respond with, “How do YOU feel about that?” And they listen with love and grace…

The importance of taking the time to process through your loss and express your authentic feelings about the situation can help you immensely. It is like putting salve on a wound. Eventually, the wound doesn’t hurt as much. Will it ever heal? Maybe not. But it won’t continue to hurt or bleed so profusely. We will live long enough to see the lessons we have learned from our losses and eventually the bigger picture of why those things happened.

Ultimately, we either choose to process through our emotions and arrive at an eventual peace about the situation or we will be dealing with the residue both here and on the other side. Lisa Williams in her book, The Survival of the Soul, talks about the importance of resolving our emotional issues on the Earth plane before we cross over. We will have to deal with the issues sometime, someplace, and it is better to do it now.

We can ultimately be more positive in our life if we choose to be our authentic self and live our truth, surround ourselves with love – of self – and others and remember that as difficult as our lives may be from time to time, we wrote our life script to learn specific lessons. It is no one’s fault, the world is not out to get us, we just chose a difficult path this time. Quoting from my son in the book, Just Behind The Door, “All is as it should be.”

Have a great few days!

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