Just Behind the Door

When you have experienced a significant loss the clock seems to stand still. What time or day is it anyway? Caring friends and relatives tell you that you will get through this it will just take time. Really? Well intentioned people might say – give yourself a few weeks to regroup. Really? It all sounds so logical. After all, we are taught that time heals all wounds. Frequently, however, people do not know what to say to you. They can visibly see your pain but don’t know how to help you and may say something like, “call me if I can do anything.” Really? They do not know how hard it is to think much less plan ahead and call someone to give you a hand or simply to listen as you once again relive the significant points in your loved ones life. You are not losing it when you can’t focus or can’t process what is being said to you. The 5 stages of grief are predictable; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In reality, it is very important to understand, however, that the time we spend in each stage is not predictable. It is not a linear progression where you automatically move from step 1 through step 5. That would make it easier or at least more certain. I do know that the depth of your feelings of loss is in direct proportion to the depth of the love that you have for the person who has left. In my book, “Our Loved Ones Are Just Behind The Door,” I discuss the difference of reading the word surreal and experiencing it. Losing two senior students in a five student traffic accident and then receiving the call that evening that my adult son in another state had been killed caused me to internalize the word surreal. It was beyond my ability to function, to process or understand. I was taught to just put one foot in front of the other and keep going in life. Tomorrow would be better. Yet in this instance my ability to function had been short circuited. Nothing was going in or coming out of my mind. Now I understand what it feels like to be frozen in time. In the movie, Steel Magnolias, Sally Fields is at her daughter’s grave site standing rather frozen in grief. As a well intended friend comments that her daughter is in a better place, Sally responds by saying with anger,” I know I should be grateful that she is in a better place, but I just wish someone would tell that to my heart.” I still tear up when I replay that DVD. I understand completely what she was saying.
My son has told me through recorded tapes over the last decade since his death that he is in a place of unconditional love. He is completely sustained. He has also said that he is around me and trying to help me as I navigate the lessons I have yet to learn in my life. I can now accept this as truth due to the evidence that has repeatedly been presented to me. It has been a long journey. Our loved ones “just behind the door” are waiting to reconnect with us. The bond of unconditional love allows the communication to happen. First, however you need to give yourself the gift of time to grieve thoroughly. There are no short cuts on the path of grieving and ultimate healing. But I can assure you that there is a path and it will get you where you need to be in time. When we are ready and open to this type of communication with our loved ones they will come rushing in to reestablish the connection. You can trust me on this one!
Do you know of anyone who has recently experienced a loss? If so, please pass this website on to them. Please encourage them to share their experiences in this forum, so that we may together explore the interface of grief and spiritualism. My goal is to help them as they traverse the steep terrain that lies ahead.