Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘acceptance of others’

The Magic of Compassion

In our harried, hectic lifestyles could it be that we have forgotten about the importance of compassion? The term itself denotes empathy – putting ourselves in another’s shoes. When we are moving as fast as humanly possible it is easy to forget to smile, listen attentively to another or possibly do something for another that will brighten their day. Even a short email passing on a good thought can be important. What does that take – one or two minutes? I’ll bet we could find that in even the busiest of our days. There is a saying that summarizes it best, ‘People don’t care how much you know (or do) until they know how much you care.’

Beyond the apparent benefit of practicing compassion to others it actually helps us as well. Studies have shown that when we demonstrate compassion our bodies produce 100% DHEA a hormone that counteracts the aging process and reduces by 23% the cortisol which is the stress hormone in our bodies. Regardless of the exact percentages the bottom line is that demonstrating compassion is good for our physical and emotional health.

The pace of which we live has never been faster and I am not suggesting that we add more to it. However, compassion is a matter of mindset not time. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see the differences in others, that’s like hitting an ‘easy button’ in our mind. Training ourselves, however, to look past the differences in search of the commonalities is simply a behavioral approach that with practice we can get really good at doing. Eventually, we find that we recognize the common human need for acceptance, patience and even a listening ear as truly an important part of living. When we arrive at this place we then begin to enjoy life a bit more as we open up our ‘acceptance portals’ in our minds.

Slowly, but surely, we begin to smile more than frown and search for the positives rather than negatives in a situation or in other people. We exhale more deeply when we realize that we have arrived at a place of peace in our lives – a great place to be!

Leo Buscaglia, the noted psychologist once said, “Too often we under estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Wouldn’t it be phenomenal if each of us decided to practice a little more compassion for a fellow traveler of the Universe – even starting with once a day? Imagine how we could actually change the world around us if we chose to demonstrate a little more positive regard for others.

Wouldn’t be wonderful to hear someone say that we made life a little better just be being in it? Something worth considering don’t you think?

Have a great few days!

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A Lesson on Loss – Flight 370

My last blog entitled, ‘Fear of Change, involved the predictable stages of grief/loss that we all experience when faced with life altering changes. I used the topic of seniors about to graduate from high school to demonstrate that even when happy events (graduation) happen it is normal to experience a sense of loss. Why? When we leave the familiar and move into new unchartered territory fear rears its ugly head and can paralyze our thinking and action temporarily. Recognizing our fear for what it is (fear of the unknown) and verbalizing it to others helps diminish the negative effect and allows us to move, albeit, slowly, carefully forward.

These grief stages can be witnessed even more dramatically in sad or catastrophic events such as the disappearance of Flight 370. As of this writing, despite all the valiant search efforts by many countries there is still no information on the fate of those 239 people on board.

The 24/7 news coverage demonstrates the Stages of Loss (known by the acronym DABDA) of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. We have seen people yelling, protesting, crying, praying, in shock, even unable to stand unaided as they experience the first 4 stages of grief/loss. The last stage involving acceptance is not even on their radar screen as yet. Why? How could anyone hold on to even a shred of hope after two full weeks?

For those of us who have lost a loved one … we get it. Sadly, reaching the final stage of acceptance takes an immense amount of time. The mind cannot process what the heart cannot yet accept. While concrete evidence or reasons help immensely for closure they cannot, in themselves, hasten the ultimate stage of acceptance. In the meantime, the families and friends of the 239 people number in the 1000’s – each of whom are experiencing the emotional roller coaster of grief in their own way and time.

We have all been swept up in this tragedy. Our hearts go out to those who wait with hope in their hearts to hear that a miracle has happened and their loved ones have been saved. Unrealistic expectations? Possibly, but who among us could simply say we wouldn’t be walking in those same shoes?

It does not seem to compute in our minds how in our technologically rich world a disappearance of this magnitude is even possible. Yet, as we hear of the heroic attempts being made to locate even a scrap of evidence we realize how small we are in the scheme of things in our world. A fact that truly humbles us.

What can we do as observers of this event? First and foremost we must realize that our thoughts, prayers and good intentions for the families of those who were on board the plane need to continue unabated. Regardless of the outcome we must remember that with love, understanding and time healing will take place. It is the type of healing that results when acceptance of the event finally begins to sink into our psyche and we move to the question…now what?

Acceptance of a loss forces us to a new level where we begin to question the meaning of our lives. We realize that tomorrow is not a given and only this very moment can be assured. We recalibrate our life compass to help us appreciate a bit more each and every moment we have on this earth. We try, with each new encounter, to make a more positive impact on others as we face our latest life challenge. We remember with humility that we have not walked in the another’s shoes and we learn to accept them unconditionally as we all work on our own unique life lessons. We appreciate life in a different way as we accept the fact that an expiration date is stamped on each of our souls. Ultimately, we move on with a greater sense of dignity and grace in this classroom called life.

Until next time remember, ‘All is as it Should Be.’

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Communicating for Deeper Understanding

Kaitlin Toner and Mark Leary found in a new study that the more extreme a person’s views the more they experience what is called ‘belief superiority.’ Sounds about right doesn’t it? Unfortunately, the study goes on to say that people with this belief system experience disdain for anyone who doesn’t share their views. Now that seems to be a potential issue that could serve to isolate the person and begin slowly, but surely, to cause their lives to close in on them. Their circle of friends and acquaintances getting smaller and smaller. Is this really the best way to live our lives?

The challenge seems to be to realize we have a right to our own opinions and beliefs but not to judge others if they do not share them. Maybe, just maybe, if we opened ourselves up to truly listening to others and trying to understand their point of view we may broaden our own horizons, consider nuances in perception and generally have a life that expands with age rather than closes in on us. When we communicate with others we take their words and associate different meanings to the words depending on our own life experiences. When you take the time to ask someone what they meant by a particular comment and they more fully explain, it is usually not at all what you had initially interpreted it to be. Could it be that saying to others, ‘Help me understand what you mean by that point’ or asking them to give you an example so you could more fully understand what was meant could be the winning combo to better understanding and a deeper respect for their point of view?

Do you have any beliefs or opinions that seem to separate you from other people? Is it possible to modify them slightly and find more in common with them? We all walk in our unique shoes, with life challenges to overcome and life lessons to learn. Knowing this it just seems logical to withhold judgment and accept the fact that we are all doing as much as we can at the moment to get through life in one piece.

Difference in others can be a growth opportunity for us if we choose to see it that way. I have never met a person who is 100% right or 100% wrong. Maybe a part of life is about learning to accept the shades of grey in others. The ability to compromise or at least more fully understand their point of view is a big thing. We can become better at it every day once we realize that life is exactly as it is supposed to be …warts and all … and we can choose to live it to the fullest or not. It is all up to us … that is the beauty of free will.

A quote by Jon Kabat-Zinn seems to speak to this whole topic.”To let go means to give up coercing, resisting, or struggling in exchange for something more powerful and wholesome which comes out of allowing things to be as they are without getting caught up in your attraction to or rejection of them, in the intrinsic stickiness of wanting, of liking and disliking.”

Have a great few days!

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