Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘after death communication’

Accepting the Uniqueness of Others

Did you know that due to the density of pure ice only 1/9th of an iceberg is above water? It puts in perspective the saying ‘that’s only the tip of the iceberg’ doesn’t it? Icebergs and people have a great deal in common. Each is totally unique both above and below the surface. Most importantly, what we see on the surface is but a small part of who they are deep down on the inside.

As people, our differences are huge. Culturally, ethnically, birth order, family background, our physical and emotional issues and other life experiences are just a few of the significant variances that add up to what is beneath our surface. Yet, how many times do we know or even stop to wonder ‘from whence a person comes’ before making a decision – judgment even about them? As we move at the speed of light to get our laundry list of ‘to do’s’ done in any given day we rarely, if ever, stop and think about the other 8/9th of the person – the rocks they are carrying, invisibly, in their backpacks. We may wonder in frustration WHY are they acting like this? Therein lies the opportunity for us to take a deep breath and remember…

Everyone has their own unique story, their own lessons in life. Some have chosen paths of great challenge and are barely hanging on just to get through another day. Yet, on the surface, we may have no idea of their issues and we question their behavior… It is good to remember that although our paths are totally different we are all struggling to get by and make sense of our life experience.

Luckily, the similarities in people are not as complex. Love, acceptance and understanding are needs we all have in common. We are all learning about ourselves and the world one step at a time. There are no short cuts to finally getting to the ‘Aha’ in life. It is, indeed, a rigorous journey – not for the faint of heart. But, survive – even thrive we will. Our road is significantly less difficult when we feel recognized for the value of who we are and allowed our idiosyncrasies to surface without judgment.

We are, after all, simply children of this magnificent Universe who are motivated to make the world a little better place by having been in it.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Irreplaceable Loss

Around the world we are watching the effects of the devastating tornado in Moore, Oklahoma. To date, 24 people have lost their lives. Natural disasters are frighteningly unpredictable and may cause us to feel uncertain, vulnerable even fearful of tomorrow.

We don’t understand why things of this magnitude happen and why one life is spared and another lost. What can we do to regain our emotional balance and continue on with our lives? Of equal importance, what can we do to help others?

Many times contributing to a reputable assistance fund to aid the victims allows us to feel that we are doing something, however small, to offer a measure of comfort and support. Possessions can, over time, be replaced and are merely things, commodities that seemed important at a point in our lives.

The irreplaceable loss, of course, are the human lives. The deaths of those 24 people will leave a gaping hole in the hearts of their family members who must face tomorrow without them. For those of us who have experienced the loss of a loved one, we know the lives of those left behind will be changed forever. We also remember the importance of taking the time to connect with someone who has experienced a loss. We need not worry about what to say for words, oftentimes, are unnecessary. Our energy and concern for the grieving soul can offer strength to them. Simply listening to them as they talk about their loved one can be a lifeline. It helps keep their loved ones alive in their minds as they talk about them and remember….

Every person grieves on their own timeframe. What we do know is that the stages of grief are painfully predictable. Denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance are real emotional hurdles – mountains even, that we must overcome when we have lost a loved one. It will take a great deal of time before the survivors will be able to first crawl, then more slowly stand and regain their footing. Initially, they may question what they could have or should have done to prevent their loved ones’ death. Over time, they arrive at an acceptance that they were powerless to prevent the loss and, as cruel as it may sound, “All is as it should be.” They will never forget their loved one that is physically gone but will gradually begin to rely on the loving memories as salve for their wounded hearts. Losing a loved one has a way of humbling all of us – bringing us to our knees with gut wrenching pain.

Eventually, loss causes us to reexamine the importance of our priorities in life and we place greater value on our relationships with friends and family. Whatever moments we have left become even more purposeful and significant.

Let’s remember the adage, ‘Live each moment to the fullest.’ As witnessed in Moore, tomorrow is shockingly, painfully uncertain. The only thing we do have for certain is this moment – right here – right now in which to make a difference.

Thanks for reading!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Courage and Jason Collins

Jason Collins, the basketball powerhouse, announced recently that, ‘I’m a 34- year-old NBA center. I’m black and I’m gay.” As quoted in the DailyBeast.com, he is “one of the biggest trailblazers in sports history.” Jason is the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American sport. I applaud his willingness to go where others have feared to tread.

He said he was tired of living in fear and denying his sexuality. He is strong, honest and human. His announcement will help all of us see that humans come in all shapes, sizes and sexual preferences. He went on to say that, “I wish I wasn’t the kid in the classroom raising his hand and saying, I’m different.” Since no other pro athlete has done it, he said, “I’m raising my hand.” He has received immense support from other NBA players. My hat goes off to him.

Some countries are more accepting of people in general. They see the person, the heart and not the label. We are making slow progress in the U.S. on the topic of gay rights. We now have 10 states that recognize gay marriage. The progress has been painfully slow. One of these days we will see the rest of our country rise to the occasion and accept a human being for who they are and what they do. May it happen sooner rather than later.

As a country, may we lose the fear, the diatribe of wrongness that is too often promoted when someone doesn’t understand an issue or walk in another person’s shoes. Ignorance is simply that…ignorance. You may not be able to fix stupid but you can fix ignorance.

I thank Jason Collins for his strength and willingness to be an example for the rest of the world. Change often happens slowly, painfully one person at a time.
Los Angles Lakers star Kobe Bryant tweeted to Jason, “Don’t suffocate who u r” and fellow Laker star Steve Nash said, “Maximum respect.” That response says a lot. No one should ever have to hide who they are for fear of not being accepted.

The Universal Energy/God doesn’t make mistakes. We would all be better off if we would talk truth, accept others with love, and live by the golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Judgment on this topic has no place in a civilized, enlighten world.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Optimism Takes Practice

Just like an athlete or musician or any talent, we get really good at what we practice everyday. What are you practicing? Is it happiness, love and understanding or something else?

Positive, caring behavior delivers more of the same. Likewise, if we allow ourselves to be weighed down by anger, fear or sadness we will simply get more of the same tomorrow. The Universe just has a way of delivering to us what is foremost in our thoughts.

Think of the process like a magnet with a negative and positive end. Our thinking is energy. We attract more of the type of energy (positive or negative) that we surround ourselves with. Personally, I feel life is tough enough so I choose to do everything possible to lighten my load by seeing the positives in a situation. Some may see this as Pollyanna thinking. So be it. I have found huge benefits to an optimistic attitude or as Eleanor Porter said in her original Pollyanna books, applying ‘The Glad Game’ to life. There really is a silver lining behind every cloud that crosses our path. Sometimes it takes a little while to realize the purpose, or the lesson, to the difficult event we are experiencing. Eventually, the ‘Aha’ happens and we relax in knowing that everything will work out just as it is supposed to. We simply need to control our thinking and not let perseverating on fear and the ‘if only’ ‘ or ‘poor me’ highjack our ability to handle the issue at hand.

Practicing optimistic thinking takes effort. It does not take work to be a ‘resident critic’ or to find the fault in a situation. That kind of thing is easy to do. Since optimism does not come naturally we need to redirect our thinking each time we realize the ‘negatives’ have taken over our thought process and look for a positive in the situation.

Look at your own life at this moment. You may have difficult challenges to over come, that is part of the human condition. We all experience moments of worry or momentary despair? But it is the length of time we allow ourselves to be concerned or worried about the issue that is the critical difference. A little time to be concerned about a situation is natural – a long time is unhealthy and unproductive. As we worry the issue becomes larger in our thinking and what may have been a mole hole can quickly become a mountain to overcome.

When we force ourselves to find something good or positive in every situation a strange phenomena happens. We feel more empowered, more energetic to face our life challenges and keep things in perspective. Life just seems a little easier. Trust me, it is worth practicing. Next time you have a life challenge try looking for something good in the situation. Will overcoming the challenge cause you to feel stronger, more confident the next time an unexpected event happens? Remember, the more you practice something the better you get at it!

Make it a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Are You Listening?

I once met a couple that had managed to work out a system for communication that was so unique it made a lasting impression on me. The gal was a nonstop talker and when her husband wanted to say something he simply gave her a friendly hand signal and she would stop immediately and let him get a few words in the conversation. The first time I saw them do this I was surprised and a little embarrassed for the wife but then I thought about it later and realized that they had developed a mutual understanding that worked for them.

I also remember in elementary school when we were trying to teach kids the importance of listening we would use a prop that was passed to each person as a signal that it was their turn to talk. The kids enjoyed the lesson and learned the importance of having everyone’s voice in the room.
Hopefully, some of the learning carried over into their adult life to make them better communicators.

It takes effort to hold back, and make sure that everyone has an equal amount of time to speak. But when we put ourselves in someone else’s shoes it is easier to understand the importance of doing so. Everyone wants to feel important, and to know that their opinions matter. Listening to them reaffirms that they are an equal partner in the discussion.You may not agree with them and that’s okay. We all have our own personal view of things depending on our life experiences.

Doesn’t it feel good when someone truly listens to you without interruption, judgment? People who are willing to give you their uninterrupted attention and time are rare. Most people are simply waiting (albeit) impatiently for their turn to talk. We can tell caring listeners by their eye contact and body language. We know that they are not thinking about what they have to do tomorrow, or their next meeting or client but are focused on what we are saying. They may even rephrase what we said to be sure they heard something correctly but otherwise, they simply listen with their head and heart. They are giving us something that can never be replaced – their time. The moment, once elapsed, is gone forever. Folks like this do not worry about ‘losing time’ but are more concerned about making a difference in the life of someone else. They are genuinely interested in what we are saying and doing. People like this are hard to come across but we all run into a few such special individuals in our lives. Their listening behavior signals an unconditional acceptance that causes us to feel more valued, cared for and respected.

Listening is at the heart of communication . In our hectic world so many people are yearning to be heard. It takes effort to sit still and listen attentively without interruption. It takes effort to learn to ask questions that empower rather than using simply declarative statements that disempower but the results are so worth the effort.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Planning Your Tomorrow’s

Many of us feel the need to have a Plan A, B and, at more stressful times, even a Plan C in our lives. I understand the need to think ahead so that we are more prepared to handle obstacles and create the life we choose to live. The act of planning, in itself, offers a certain peace of mind in our fast-paced world. The huge benefit to planning is that when we form a plan we are putting our intentions out to the Universe. That is a powerful thing to do. Why? Simply put, we basically get what we think about most often – no more or no less. The act of planning is a way to line up the energy of the Universe to deliver to us what we truly want and need in life. We don’t have to cross all the t’s or dot all the i’s in our plan but simply see, feel and know the big picture of what we most desire and have absolute confidence that it will come to us … in Universal Time.

There is a big difference between our human time clock where everything needs to happen yesterday and the time frame of the Universe or so called Universal Time. When we reflect back on our lives, didn’t everything happen for a purpose and didn’t the time just seem right? At first, we may not completely understand the timing or purpose but if we dig deeper we will discover the golden nugget of truth and say to ourselves, ‘this is what I was supposed to learn from that situation.’ The good news is that if we learned the lesson we move on to our next life adventure. If not, the lesson seems to come back again and again, each time a little more dramatically and forcefully until we finally say, ‘Aha, now I get it!’

If you take a moment in your busy schedule and think about what life might be trying to teach you at this point in your journey you may be surprised by your discovery. Is it about making the world a better place, demonstrating acceptance of yourself and others, unconditional love? These are just a few of the mighty lessons presented to us that may take a lifetime to learn, but learn we must.

Planning then is a guide to the Universe, a preferred way that the lessons we have to learn will be presented to us. Personally, I feel more at peace and empowered knowing I have the capacity to be an even more active,integral part of the whole process through planning. It crystallizes the idea that life is not happening to me but through me rather like a joint partnership. The saying, ‘All is as it should be,’ then begins to make even more sense in our lives.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Authentic Listening Skills

Being a good listener is more important than ever in our fast paced world. With text messages, emails, Facebook and other social media we may be making random comments about our activities but is anyone truly listening and caring about what we are saying? Do we feel more valued by the numbers of ‘Friends’ we have on Facebook?

Showing you care about someone involves learning the art and skill of authentic listening. It requires taking the time to hear, process, ask questions, and paraphrase back what the person said to us to make sure we heard not what they said but what they truly meant. When we repeat back to them what they said and ask them ‘is that what you meant,’ they usually use different words to clarify what they actually meant in their heart. Due to our own individual life experiences words mean different things to different people. Clarifying helps us avoid jumping to conclusions or misinterpreting the message.

Developing good listening skills means we stop interrupting, talking over or faster than the other person, answering for others rather than giving them the time to respond, or controlling the conversations. For instance, if four people are present each should continually be given an equal amount of time to speak and be heard. Everyone then feels important and valued. You may be able to see an answer to another person’s dilemma but unless they ASK you for advice it is best not to give it. No one wants to be treated like a child, told what to do or not to do. This type of behavior builds up impenetrable walls of resentment towards you and eventually the valuable relationship can come to a screeching halt.

The greatest gift I received from a dear friend years ago when I called to tell her about a life changing experience I was dealing with was her masterful response. She simply said to me, ‘how do you feel about that?’ She allowed me to talk, she listened with her head and heart as I processed through the circumstance. She asked clarifying questions but never told me what I should or shouldn’t do. It was clear that she valued and trusted me enough to work through the concern and arrive at the answer that would work best for me. She was an authentic listener.

Ask yourself, what does it feel like when someone truly listens to you? Don’t you want to give that same gift of appreciation and acceptance to others? You can if you eliminate your own ‘advice giving’ habit and work at developing authentic listing skills. It boils down to a couple simple facts, you don’t walk in their shoes and you don’t help them by telling them what to do.

Epictetus, a Greek philosopher, said ‘nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak.’ Brilliant!

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

We Will Heal

This past week has, once again, demonstrated that we can never take our tomorrows for granted. The families who have experienced the loss of a loved one as well as so many who suffered physical and emotional harm will have a long road ahead to heal. Yet, heal they must because that’s what is required of us as we learn our life lessons. The length of time it takes to heal is as individual as the human beings involved. There is no specified or acceptable length of time for the grief process. You won’t see an expiration date on a grief stricken bleeding heart. Given enough time, the bleeding subsides, the wound heals over but the spot remains more sensitive for the rest of our lives.

We can help others who experience loss by giving them the gift of understand and empathy. We can also help our world by recognizing that even as tragic events seem to be happening more frequently our response as a country is becoming more laser focused and strategic. Basically we are becoming more efficient and effective in the aftermath of tragedy.

Why must it be after the fact and not before the event happens you may ask? Unfortunately, weapons are more available than ever and bombs can be constructed by following a recipe from the Internet – similar to following a recipe in a cookbook but rather than a delicious feast we end up with a famine of the heart. The diversity of people’s opinions seem greater than ever before. We are now a global melting pot that, too often, pairs discord with violence.

Was it always this way or have we changed – gone awry? Some would say the old days were better, safer and more truthful. Don’t be swayed by misinformation or fear. Simply viewing the movie ‘Lincoln’ helps us keep perspective. The truth is that we have never had a time where the world has not experienced turmoil before a heightened sense of understanding. The difference today is that we are so much more socially connected that reports of tragedies seem to be bombarding us constantly. Information is a powerful thing. We want to watch the daily news but then may find ourselves worrying about the safety of our own families – a catch 22. Yet to be disconnected and ignorant about events in our world invites in the potential for an even greater catastrophe.

Our national and state leaders have come together with law enforcement individuals, yet again, to establish order and find the perpetrators of violence and restore calm in the wake of tragedy. We are awed by their speed, their efficiency and effectiveness. We are stronger today than yesterday, more united in our resolve not to be cowered by fear but confident in our strength as a nation.

As always, truth will prevail.

Have a peaceful few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Achieving Greater Happiness

When people are surveyed and asked what’s the one thing they want in life their response is ‘to be happy.’ Without question, if we could all achieve a sense of peace and happiness in our lives we would raise our own vibrational level and the entire universe would breathe a huge sigh of relief. Have you ever thought deeply about what it would take for you to be totally happy?

Try making a list of everything you think you need or want that would create greater happiness. Doing so is important for many reasons. By reviewing the items on your list you can begin to prioritize those of greatest importance. What are the one or two ‘must haves’ for your own sense of greater well being and happiness? The time you spend thinking about the meaning of each word on your list is time well spent. It helps gain perspective on what you presently have to be grateful for and how you may choose to use your time from this point forward to achieve greater happiness. It causes you to look at the future rather than the past.

To achieve happiness, Steve Jobs said he wanted to “make a dent in the Universe” and he achieved his goal. Decades earlier, the Reverend Martin Luther King and President Lyndon Johnson achieved a sense of happiness by designing the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and Voting Rights Act of 1965. Just think about the thousands of individuals who have made our world a better place, one action, one person at a time.

Although we may not be world leaders, we can all become happier and make a positive impact on the world in our own unique way. Achieving greater happiness in our lives begins when we decide to make today a better day than yesterday for ourselves and others. By reviewing what we have and determining what we want to achieve next in our lives we become happier, more energized and confident human beings.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Views from your Windshield

Size really does matter! Did you ever think about the comparative size of a car windshield to the rearview mirror? One is much larger, more expansive than the other. A windshield shows things in true size while a rearview mirror causes objects to appear larger than their actual size. As we drive we look out through the wide span of glass in front of us with optimism and clear thinking in anticipation of a safe trip. We have something to do, someone to see, someplace to go and we look forward to the journey. When we look in the rear view mirror it is only for an instant to check our path as we confidently move forward or check for other vehicles. We are smart enough to know that prolonged staring at the rearview mirror can cause major problems for us in the future. Strange as it may seem, the windshield/rearview mirror is an interesting way to think about other people and our own lives.

When we meet warm, optimistic people they seem to spend a great deal of time enjoying the moment and eagerly looking forward to their tomorrows. We can almost visualizing them looking out of their windshield expecting something interesting and good to pop up on the horizon. Just being around them seems to give us energy. Regardless of the challenges they face they remain committed to making the future even better than today.

Conversely, we may meet others who seem unmotivated or unsuccessful in their lives. They seem to be constantly viewing life through their rearview mirror which causes difficult events of the past to become larger in size and significance than they were at the time of the actual event. Time spent with folks like this seems to drain our energy and we subconsciously count the minutes before we can make a graceful exit. They seem to feel that life has been unfair and they are stuck in the ‘if only’ mentality and their life, at best, is stuck in neutral. They have forgotten that life is simply a reflection of what they have been willing to put into it – nothing more and nothing less. The longer any of us spend looking back, the slower our progress in the future.

Teaching ourselves to view life consistently through our own windshield with just a quick, occasionally glance in our rearview mirror allows us to move almost imperceptibly from a view of ‘what might have been’ into a ‘could still be’ type of thinking. Optimism is the greatest elixir we can take. It results in a much more energizing and satisfying thought process for our tomorrows.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with: