Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘changing your life’

Life Transitions

Much has been written about major life transitions yet for some of us the challenge remains one of understanding and accepting the changes as they are presented to us. For example as our children graduate from high school or college we realize that our role as parent requires us to change. We learn to step back as our young adult children test life and begin to realize their own strengths. Holding out the apron strings hoping they will latch on restricts their growth and self confidence.

At the other end of the spectrum when we are facing retirement it also brings major life changes to our table. We knew who we were as an employee or boss but who are we now? We have spent our life raising kids and advancing in our careers only to be faced with the life altering question of, ‘What next?’ ‘How do I change, adjust and create a new life?’ These changes are major life transitions that can be better understood from researchers such as psychologist, Erik Erikson.

Erikson talked about the individual life stages and labeled the 35-65 ages as the time when we are occupied with creative and meaningful work raising families and advancing in our careers. Success and advancement at work becomes crucial. We frequently find ourselves ‘in charge’ or at least more independent and confident in our roles. We are making a difference in the lives of others and feel valued from our contributions. Yet, we know the future will soon be something we will face and we may begin to fear this next stage, late adulthood, thinking of inactivity or achieving less meaning in our everyday lives. Yet, that does not have to be the case.

For those people who couldn’t wait to retire from their job this is a time when just doing what they choose to do at any given moment is the brass ring for which they have been waiting. They may not have been a boss in their jobs but worked hard regardless and their reward is one of total acceptance – celebration even for the change of pace in retirement.

For others who devoted themselves not only to family but a career and advanced through the ranks until they were the boss, the designation and recognition in itself was an ongoing reward. But the thought of retirement for these folks may not conjure up images of a more relaxed life style, allowing them to call their own shots but genuine concern and stress about exactly what they will do from this point forward. They may visualize their name taken off the door and wonder – ‘Is this really the right time to retire? What will I do with the rest of my life?’ Have faith that you will make the right decision. Remember the saying, ‘All is as it should be.’ Your track record is good – great even- and it has gotten you to this point. A whole new world is opening up to you now. Be ready.

The truth is that it is extremely hard for some to move into retirement. It involves wrestling with feelings of fear, powerlessness and loss. Like anything in life, the more you love something (or someone) the harder the loss when it goes away. Transitions are hard. They can shake our sense of identity. Recognizing these feelings as real and accepting the fact that regardless of what you have accomplished thus far, you are above all a human like everyone else will allow you to accept any insecurities you are feeling about the future as normal not a signal to retreat. It helps to know that many highly accomplished people have experienced the same concerns regarding this transition in life.

Retirement does not signal the end but challenges us to find new ways to contribute to the world. Think of the things on your mental list that you have waited to do until you had the time. Well now you have it! Now is the time to jump in and create a new you! After you have given yourself the time you need to rest and recuperate from your life’s journey thus far, you will know the right path to follow. Trust me on this, the Universe just seems to give us a gentle nudge when we slow down enough to listen.

When you allow yourself the opportunity to envision your future decades what do you see? There are so many ways to be productive and active. Continuing to do what you are good at – just doing it part time or volunteering, mentorships and other forms of philanthropy allow us the opportunity to make it a better world just at a slower pace. Interestingly, the pace matches our energy level so it’s another thing to be grateful for in life. We galloped through life and are now at an elegant trot. It’s a good place to be.

Have a great few days!

Fear or Serenity?

This is part two of looking at the Serenity Prayer to discover the lesson in it for each one of us. If you missed the Wednesday blog which was part one please go to the archives on the right hand side of my website so you can get the frame of the discussion. The Serenity Prayer, ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’ can change your life.

I had asked you to consider which approach is HARDER for you -accepting the things you cannot change or actually changing the things you can change in your life. Assuming you have decided which approach you have a tendency to avoid I would ask you now to ask yourself ‘Why’ five times. Seriously, with each answer ask yourself why this is true for you. Usually the fifth and final time you drill down in you thinking as to the ‘why’ the real ‘Aha’ happens.

If change is the hardest approach for you consider the following. Changing the things we can change involves both confidence and trust in ourselves. The thousands of messages we received and events we experienced as we were growing up made indelible marks on our lives. What are a few of the messages that you received that have ended up controlling your life? For instance, if you were raised in an atmosphere of fear with messages such as ‘Don’t do this or something bad could happen,’ the initial warning might have been for your physical safety. But when you constantly hear this message of fear over and over you begin to generalize it to your entire life. You may feel out of control when something new pops up that you didn’t expect. You might then find yourself getting angry, lashing out when something – anything upsets your apple cart. You might prefer to keep life as it is so you can ‘depend on it.’ Well – news flash – that’s not going to happen. The truth is that the more you try to control your life the more insecure you become since The Universe just has a way of throwing us curve balls.

Learning how to control our fears is more than a survival mechanism it is a cornerstone to developing serenity. Just think about all that you have worried about over the last two weeks and the time you devoted to imagining the worst thing that MIGHT happen. There is a saying that 99% of what we worry about never happens. I believe that to be true. If you let fear control your life the Universe will just continue to present you with lesson after lesson (each one getting more difficult along the way) until you begin to TRUST in yourself. Think about the things in your life that have been really, really tough – did you survive? Yes! Was is hard – absolutely! Did you learn from it? I’m willing to bet you did.

Fear is the most insidious of emotions. It robs you of the moments of joy in life and puts you in a constant state of nervous tension regarding what could go wrong next. It also causes you to refuse to change the things you could change in your life because it paralyzes you into inaction.

We all learned a certain degree of fear from our parents. My mother was consumed by fear. You name it and she was afraid. Growing up I had the choice to accept those unwarranted fears or think to myself, ‘What is the worst thing that could happen’ given a particular situation and followed this thought up with ‘Could I survive if it did happen?’ Practicing this mindset I slowly developed a confidence that allowed me to face – head on – the challenges in life knowing I would survive, I would make it and ultimately be stronger in the process. She was not wrong in pointing out things to be mindful of, but it was the degree to which she applied fear to her life that had the potential to negatively effect my ability to change the things I could change.

The good news is that we know more about the effects of fear now. We can change our mindset about change and decide to grab the next opportunity as it presents itself knowing we will survive. As we expand our comfort zone, our lives become richer, fuller and more enjoyable. We learn to seize the moment, control our fears of the new or unexpected and move forward in life. Inch by inch it’s a cinch!

The next blog will be looking at the issue of acceptance – accepting with grace and humility those things we truly cannot change in life and moving forward with peace.

Until then, have a great few days!