Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘destiny’

Badge of Courage, Tenacity and Resiliency

Developing greater resiliency in life is important not only for survival but for a happier, more joyful existence. We may wonder what causes some people to be more confident and unflappable. Have they simply led a charmed life free of pain, sorrow or loss? Probably not. Remember, everyone has their story to tell.

It may appear that their lives seem easier than ours – less traumatic – less burdensome. It is possible that they have had a series of remote misses in their life that did not directly affect them. I have not met many of these types but they do exist and are rare birds indeed. We, on the other hand, may have experienced direct hits or near misses altering our speed and trajectory momentarily. Gladwell talks about near misses and remote misses in his book, ‘David and Goliath.’ He says a near miss leaves you traumatized and a series of remote misses leaves you feeling somewhat invincible.

Another possibility is that these ‘unflappable types’ often remind themselves that 99% of what most people worry about never comes to pass. They may seem to just know, deep down, that everything in life happens for a purpose and that they will survive. They feel confident that will get through the present life altering experience possibly battered and bloodied in the process but otherwise in tact. These folks make it a practice to reflect on their past experiences and challenges to search for the lessons they have learned. As a result they have developed greater confidence and resiliency in handling their tomorrows. You can practically see their three point badge of courage, tenacity and resiliency handed to them from The Universe.

With badge in hand they look to the future not with trepidation but hope for an even better tomorrow. Feeling hopeful and confident does not eliminate the future challenges but allows them an invisible shield of protective armor as they move forward. As each new challenge presents itself in their life, they manage to get through it, reflect on what they have learned and in the process become stronger.

As Gladwell says, ‘We are prone to be afraid of being afraid and the conquering of fear produces exhilaration.’ The next time you are faced with a major life challenge and are unsure of your strength to endure, just remember, this too shall pass and you will be more resilient having lived through it. You will never be the same but will be wiser as you move forward on your life journey. Although we don’t applaud them, adversity and experience are great teachers.

Reflecting on your life you will probably remember at least five major life altering experiences and yet here you are reading this blog. That means you made it through, you survived and you are more resilient than ever! Congratulations!

Have a great few days!

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Helping Others Through Change and Loss

The depth of a cut is directly related to the length of time it takes to heal – and so it is with loss in our lives. Loss comes in so many varieties. The loss of a child, a loved one, a beloved pet, a job, security, our health and even changes in our living arrangements are just a few examples of life changing experiences that involve loss – the letting go of the familiar and moving into unseen territory. Most often we don’t ask for this change and are dumbstruck when it appears in our life. We question ourselves, ‘What could I have done differently to prevent this from happening?’ The truth is…nothing…’All is as it should be’ as difficult as that sounds, I know it to be truth.

For many loss is debilitating. They want to know the what, how, and whys regarding the loss. By seeking more information they hope to discover a hidden nugget that will help them reach a deeper understanding and feel somewhat more in control. There are times, however, that trying to unearth more facts just delays the healing process. When folks are unable to move through the stages of grief or change and mentally demand that things be what they once were we need to be there for them.

It may take a lifetime to wrestle with and finally resolve the changes that have happened to you in your life. You may think to yourself, ‘Life is not fair.’ I get it, I have been there with the loss of my son. I can tell you that given enough time and a desire to heal, heal you will – one small step at a time. Your loved one would want you to heal by remembering the good times and the love that you shared.

The losses in our life are meant to teach us something. The challenge is to discover what the lesson is for you and only you can figure it out. What is the absolute most difficult thing you are dealing with in your mind regarding the loss or change? Discovering our lessons and then actually learning them takes a lifetime. There is no short cut in the journey. We do need to remember to be kind to ourselves along the way.

The importance of finding someone you can talk to cannot be overstated. Think of it this way, if you were bleeding profusely you would need someone to help you stop the flow. Well, in dealing with the tragic loss of a loved one, for instance, you are bleeding profusely – it’s just on the inside – and not as easy to stop the flow. You may need help along the way. Be brave enough to seek help and remember, when the student is ready the teacher comes along.

Talking to a good friend, family member or mental health professional is a positive way to start digging yourself out of the emotional abyss that can result from a loss. Verbalizing your feelings, getting the anger and denial out is like putting a soothing ointment on a cut. It will still take time to heal but the process will be less painful along the way.

If you know of someone who has experienced a loss or change recently and are having difficulty working through it please be there for them. Often they will not ask but will receive your emotional support as if it were a lifeline thrown out to them in choppy waters. They will be forever grateful. We can all make it through this life if we just hold on to each other and know that when life seems the darkest there is always someone who will come into our life to help light the way to our tomorrows.

Be that light, that friend, that loved one who steps up and says, ‘I’m here for you – for now and for always.’ You’ll be glad you did!

Have a great few days!

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Greater Happiness by Expanding Your Comfort Zone

Science talks about open and closed systems. This concept has direct application to the way we behave as individuals. Whether it is a personal growth or personal suffering experience the idea of visualizing an open or closed system has significance.

A closed system is rigid and non-resilient. It has little or no interaction with the environment and does not evolve. An open system, on the other hand, is adaptable, resilient because of the ability and choice to grow and evolve.

As human beings we are a complex open system designed to grow, change and evolve through learning and life experiences. If we stretch and allow ourselves to move out of our comfort zones we are forced to handle new situations and learning occurs. We become more resilient to the ups and downs that characterize our lives. The more we experience life the more resilient we can become.

Resiliency is tantamount to confident living. Knowing you can handle circumstances in life offers a sense of well being. The trick seems to be to allow or even force ourselves to risk experiencing new situations without becoming overwhelmed with the changes. If change, in general, is so overwhelming, maybe taking small steps could be the answer.Just as an athlete trains to run a race, for example, they do so in stages. They don’t simply go out and decide they are going to run a 10k race and achieve their best time on the first go of it. They work up the strength and endurance by pushing their bodies bit by bit until they are able to perform at the level they so desire.

If we think about this analogy, the same is true of our emotional well being. Staying in our own comfort zone may help us feel, temporarily, more at ease or secure but over time our open, complex systems need greater stimulation, more experiences to thrive. There is a major difference between surviving versus thriving. Our emotional well being is predicated on the assumption that as life happens to us, regardless of the difficulty of our experiences, we will pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start once again on our chosen path in life. It is, indeed, a challenge to push our comfort zones but it is invaluable to our overall happiness.

The choice is always up to us. Pushing ourselves to experience the new and different can cause all of us discomfort and a momentary feeling of being unsure. However, after each new experience we are basically moving up the next step on the ladder to greater peace, acceptance and resiliency.

Sure sounds to me like it is worth the try! Have a great few days!

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Defining Normal

How many times have we thought when observing a person or situation, ‘that is not normal.’ Or better yet, how many times have we thought another person is not doing things right or correctly …according to what we judge to be so. The operative word here, of course, is JUDGE. If we are honest with ourselves, most or all of us would say, yes I do that frequently when what I see or hear doesn’t match MY definition of regular or normal. My question to you then is what do you define as normal? Do you think your definition is the only right one possible? Is there any flexibility in your interpretation of the word?

By definition, normal is stated to be ‘conforming to a standard, usual, regular or natural – a common behavior in society.’ However – and this is the biggie here – the definition of normality varies by person, time, place, situation and changes with societal standards and norms. In other words, ‘normal’ is intended to be a FLEXIBLE concept by definition. Yet we seem to define the word using a rigid standard according to what we are comfortable with at the moment. That sort of makes us judge and jury for everyone and everything in life doesn’t it? We place others unwittingly in an untenable situation because they are not meeting our own arbitrary standard of normal. Trust me on this one, they can feel your judgment and negative energy and will react accordingly. That is a rather dangerous or hurtful place to be don’t you think?

I believe defining normal is rather like defining beauty. It is in the eyes of the beholder as long as no one is hurt in the process. Each of us has a right to decide what works best for us without fear of reprisal or condemnation. It is sort of one of those inalienable rights given to us by a power much greater than ourselves.

If we allow ourselves to see the behaviors of others as ‘not normal’ that implies that something in their behavior needs to be corrected. But if we haven’t walked in their shoes and understand what they are coping with, how can we possibly believe that we are so smart, powerful or wise to determine what is normal or right for them? Could it be that what we are observing is simply a temporary or ‘normal’ state in reaction to that person’s circumstances at the moment. Could it be that they need understanding and acceptance and are just waiting to see if we are willing to get out of our own comfort zone and give it to them?

I believe that we would all be happier in our individual life journeys if we consciously worked at accepting others as we want to be accepted – without value judgments or conditions. The bottom line is that we are all seeking the same thing – unconditional love and understanding as we proceed on our paths. What we give we receive in return – no more no less.

Have a great few days!

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Voice of Hope

Every once in a while something just takes your breath away. A dear friend sent this to me and I thought that you might enjoy and appreciate it as much as I did. Often we miss the small miracles which are all around us – listen and enjoy.

Revised link:
http://www.staged.com/video?v=NtK

Have a great few days!

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Learning from the Australians

Recently I had the opportunity to visit my son in Australia. Going to a different continent, albeit one that speaks a form of English. can at first rattle your cage after 30 hours in planes and airports and crossing 15 different time zones. When arriving you realize everything is so much different than you may have expected. But, as the phrase states, ‘when in Rome do as the Romans’ and as a visitor you quickly realize that patience and understanding is not only valued but expected – it is the Australian way. The major differences in choices and accessibility … food, entertainment, shopping, transportation, and just basic living as well as the overall cost associated with each activity reminded me of how much we take for granted as Americans. We have it VERY good. We have more choices, options, and opportunities than we realize. Maybe it takes an opportunity to get out of our comfort zone to truly get it.

The Australian people are gentle, kind and accepting. Their highly efficient, immaculate and safe transit systems have signs that say, ‘please give your seat to someone who may need it more than you. If students are riding another sign directs them to give up their seat to an adult. Amazingly, these students – frequently teenagers – all do so willingly and with a gentle smile on their face. In the grocery stores people pushing their trolleys (grocery baskets) have just a few items – enough for a day or two in them. Food is costly and it appears never wasted. Also, you don’t see papers or trash on the sidewalks or streets. There are signs that instruct people to report anyone if they are littering. Consequently, people do not litter. The Aussies seem to take life in stride in a peaceful, unhurried manner. When driving people do not cut you off, honk their horns or merge quickly. They drive as they live. At work if they do not get everything accomplished they had planned, well, there is always tomorrow. Their mantra, ‘no hassle, no worry, no problem is truly their way of life. They just don’t seem to get rattled over anything. As Americans we have LITTLE patience with interruptions, delays or inconveniences. We know what we like or want and are usually able to get it. In Australia stores close at 5:00 P.M on weekdays and every Sunday. In America we are a 24/7 culture. We move fast, talk fast and usually expect – even demand that complete accessibility is available.

Our nonstop work ethic demonstrated the greatest difference between the cultures. As Americans we seem to be in a permanent state of rush, rush, rush just going faster and faster to get more things done. The good news is that as a culture we do get a tremendous amount accomplished. We are the innovators that seem to be in a seamless morphing state of constant improvement in everything we do. We work hard and can take great pride in what we contribute to the world. There is a reason why we are a world leader.

But, could it be that in our rush to accomplish more and become better and better that we have forgotten to give ourselves permission to really live and enjoy the special moments of our lives? I ask this with great humility. I lived the 24/7 lifestyle for years, now I wonder if it really was all that necessary or if I could have modified it slightly and taken a little time to smell the roses.

I remember a time …. long ago when as Americans we did enjoy a little more relaxed lifestyle – true it was years ago but I still remember. Family time was valued, holidays celebrated together, actual cards were sent in the mail telling someone how loved and important they were in our lives. Service personnel were treated by customers with appreciation and respect. Drivers were courteous. Living just felt safer and life a little more in balance.

I believe every experience we have can teach us something. My take away from this visit was to make a greater effort to take a few minutes and genuinely thank people for being in my world. To reconnect with friends and tell them how important they are to me. As Americans we are very generous when a major catastrophe happens – it is part of our DNA. We can take great pride in this and tap this part of our DNA by extending these thoughts of caring to a daily basis by remembering to be a little more gentle, patient and understanding with others and ourselves. As people of the world we have the power to change it one person at a time as we extend a hand to our fellow travelers.

Have a great few days!

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Accepting the Uniqueness of Others

Did you know that due to the density of pure ice only 1/9th of an iceberg is above water? It puts in perspective the saying ‘that’s only the tip of the iceberg’ doesn’t it? Icebergs and people have a great deal in common. Each is totally unique both above and below the surface. Most importantly, what we see on the surface is but a small part of who they are deep down on the inside.

As people, our differences are huge. Culturally, ethnically, birth order, family background, our physical and emotional issues and other life experiences are just a few of the significant variances that add up to what is beneath our surface. Yet, how many times do we know or even stop to wonder ‘from whence a person comes’ before making a decision – judgment even about them? As we move at the speed of light to get our laundry list of ‘to do’s’ done in any given day we rarely, if ever, stop and think about the other 8/9th of the person – the rocks they are carrying, invisibly, in their backpacks. We may wonder in frustration WHY are they acting like this? Therein lies the opportunity for us to take a deep breath and remember…

Everyone has their own unique story, their own lessons in life. Some have chosen paths of great challenge and are barely hanging on just to get through another day. Yet, on the surface, we may have no idea of their issues and we question their behavior… It is good to remember that although our paths are totally different we are all struggling to get by and make sense of our life experience.

Luckily, the similarities in people are not as complex. Love, acceptance and understanding are needs we all have in common. We are all learning about ourselves and the world one step at a time. There are no short cuts to finally getting to the ‘Aha’ in life. It is, indeed, a rigorous journey – not for the faint of heart. But, survive – even thrive we will. Our road is significantly less difficult when we feel recognized for the value of who we are and allowed our idiosyncrasies to surface without judgment.

We are, after all, simply children of this magnificent Universe who are motivated to make the world a little better place by having been in it.

Have a great few days!

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Remember Mother’s Day and Connect

Mother’s Day is just around the corner! It was actually started by the ancient Greeks and Romans and is now celebrated in over 46 countries around the world. It is a day that we take the time to remember and appreciate the gift of life and unconditional love that we have been given.

Many mothers will be receiving cards, flowers or calls from their children which will warm their hearts and put a grateful smile on their face. They will remember the special moments in life when raising their child may have been challenging but was such a blessing. Once a mother, always a mother, regardless of the age of your offspring.

For those moms who have lost a child the day can be incredibly difficult to face. They also remember, with an ache in their hearts, the times in their lives when their children would remember the day. Sometimes we hesitate to connect with these moms, afraid to upset them further. But fear not, out of sight is not out of mind and your connecting to them could be just what they need at this time. They still yearn to see that special smile or hear the loving voice of their child one more time.

I know that their loved one is still around them. They are trying to get their attention and to thank them for all that they did and to reassure them that ‘All is as it should be.’ I have walked in their shoes and know that energy cannot be created nor destroyed only changed in form. I am convinced that the energy of unconditional love never dies it just moves on to a different dimension.

If you know of someone who has lost their child please take a moment to connect with them over the next few days. Trust me, it will touch their heart to know someone remembers and cares. You might want to forward this blog to them. It may be just the salve needed to help heal their wounded heart.

From the distance of our separation
I see the whole of which I was a part;
I see the way, at times, I tore your heart,
And see the love that you maintain,
And know my leaving caused great pain.
But it was my time to move on again,
You could not change the destiny, the plan
I see the love that shaped our lives,
And am grateful for that and so much more.
Do not fear that I have simply disappeared,
Because I am forever in your loving sphere.
I am here, behind the door, watching and praying for
you to heal, to remember the good times, there were so many.
I chose you as my Mom for so many reasons.
I needed your strength, your love and belief in me,
I needed to learn the lessons that only you could teach me.
I am now free of anger, fear, pain and hurt,
And am surrounded by total peace and love,
The kind of love that you have for me,
Forever and eternally.
I will always be merely a breath and thought away,
Unconditional love just works that way.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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Are You Listening?

I once met a couple that had managed to work out a system for communication that was so unique it made a lasting impression on me. The gal was a nonstop talker and when her husband wanted to say something he simply gave her a friendly hand signal and she would stop immediately and let him get a few words in the conversation. The first time I saw them do this I was surprised and a little embarrassed for the wife but then I thought about it later and realized that they had developed a mutual understanding that worked for them.

I also remember in elementary school when we were trying to teach kids the importance of listening we would use a prop that was passed to each person as a signal that it was their turn to talk. The kids enjoyed the lesson and learned the importance of having everyone’s voice in the room.
Hopefully, some of the learning carried over into their adult life to make them better communicators.

It takes effort to hold back, and make sure that everyone has an equal amount of time to speak. But when we put ourselves in someone else’s shoes it is easier to understand the importance of doing so. Everyone wants to feel important, and to know that their opinions matter. Listening to them reaffirms that they are an equal partner in the discussion.You may not agree with them and that’s okay. We all have our own personal view of things depending on our life experiences.

Doesn’t it feel good when someone truly listens to you without interruption, judgment? People who are willing to give you their uninterrupted attention and time are rare. Most people are simply waiting (albeit) impatiently for their turn to talk. We can tell caring listeners by their eye contact and body language. We know that they are not thinking about what they have to do tomorrow, or their next meeting or client but are focused on what we are saying. They may even rephrase what we said to be sure they heard something correctly but otherwise, they simply listen with their head and heart. They are giving us something that can never be replaced – their time. The moment, once elapsed, is gone forever. Folks like this do not worry about ‘losing time’ but are more concerned about making a difference in the life of someone else. They are genuinely interested in what we are saying and doing. People like this are hard to come across but we all run into a few such special individuals in our lives. Their listening behavior signals an unconditional acceptance that causes us to feel more valued, cared for and respected.

Listening is at the heart of communication . In our hectic world so many people are yearning to be heard. It takes effort to sit still and listen attentively without interruption. It takes effort to learn to ask questions that empower rather than using simply declarative statements that disempower but the results are so worth the effort.

Have a great few days!

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Views from your Windshield

Size really does matter! Did you ever think about the comparative size of a car windshield to the rearview mirror? One is much larger, more expansive than the other. A windshield shows things in true size while a rearview mirror causes objects to appear larger than their actual size. As we drive we look out through the wide span of glass in front of us with optimism and clear thinking in anticipation of a safe trip. We have something to do, someone to see, someplace to go and we look forward to the journey. When we look in the rear view mirror it is only for an instant to check our path as we confidently move forward or check for other vehicles. We are smart enough to know that prolonged staring at the rearview mirror can cause major problems for us in the future. Strange as it may seem, the windshield/rearview mirror is an interesting way to think about other people and our own lives.

When we meet warm, optimistic people they seem to spend a great deal of time enjoying the moment and eagerly looking forward to their tomorrows. We can almost visualizing them looking out of their windshield expecting something interesting and good to pop up on the horizon. Just being around them seems to give us energy. Regardless of the challenges they face they remain committed to making the future even better than today.

Conversely, we may meet others who seem unmotivated or unsuccessful in their lives. They seem to be constantly viewing life through their rearview mirror which causes difficult events of the past to become larger in size and significance than they were at the time of the actual event. Time spent with folks like this seems to drain our energy and we subconsciously count the minutes before we can make a graceful exit. They seem to feel that life has been unfair and they are stuck in the ‘if only’ mentality and their life, at best, is stuck in neutral. They have forgotten that life is simply a reflection of what they have been willing to put into it – nothing more and nothing less. The longer any of us spend looking back, the slower our progress in the future.

Teaching ourselves to view life consistently through our own windshield with just a quick, occasionally glance in our rearview mirror allows us to move almost imperceptibly from a view of ‘what might have been’ into a ‘could still be’ type of thinking. Optimism is the greatest elixir we can take. It results in a much more energizing and satisfying thought process for our tomorrows.

Have a great few days!

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