Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘near death experiences’

Compliments Magnify Your Energy

A true compliment causes the person receiving it to feel good. That seems like a no-brainer right? How many times have you recently received a compliment that made you stand a little taller or have a smile that was a little bigger on your face? When is the last time that you went to bed thinking about something someone said to you that caused you to feel pretty good about yourself? Heartfelt compliments are not difficult. We just need to put ourselves in someone else’s place, see their happiness with their situation, and make a comment on it. It doesn’t cost any money but reaps tremendous rewards for everyone concerned.

Conversely, we may hear someone say, ‘that’s okay for you but it is too …(fill in the blank) for me. Maybe they are talking about our house, where we live (city or rural) or our taste in clothes, decorating – the possibilities are endless. What may have started out as a feel good statement sort of takes the wind out of our sails right? It seems there are two issues here – one major and one minor. The first being that that kind of statement is not really a compliment but a judgment. That one is the major issue. We all know that judgements directed at us hurt! The second one may be a bit more minor and due to a lack of thought or simply lack of an understanding of the significance of word usage. Basically, regardless of what is said in the first part of the sentence before the word ‘but’ was inserted is really negated by using that word. Why? The word ‘but’ places a condition on everything said before it and erases the original intent. Often people get in a habit of using the word without realizing the effect.

Do we really want to celebrate the joy in what a person is showing us? If so, it requires that we truly listen to our own words and choose them carefully. Each of us can be the ‘resident critic’ that is so easy. It doesn’t take intelligence to constantly compare yourself to others. And it doesn’t take much to look for something in another person’s life that doesn’t fit your comfort zone. However, what is so wonderful about this world is that we are all on our own path, learning our own lessons and learning to celebrate the joy in life. When we accept that we are unique individuals with individual taste the heavy energy of judgment simply falls away.

I find it amazing that we can be such critics on other people’s lives. Why in the world do we feel we have the right to judge another? Maybe when a person sees another person joyful in their life it stirs an uneasy feeling inside of them and they give a half hearted compliment because they really want the joy they see in another person. Being a critic, regardless of exactly how it is said, says a whole lot more about that person’s ‘unhappiness index’ than anything else. But it still hurts doesn’t it? When we truly listen to others (and not just wait for our turn to talk) we can begin to hear value judgments about others flying around at the speed of light. The people making these value laden statements are experiencing their comfort zones getting smaller and smaller as they live out their lives. Sad to think about them in a few years.

Genuine compliments are just that …genuine… from our hearts. We are happy for the other person because we can see that they are happy. Placing conditions on our statements not only hurts others but hurts us as well. We are putting negative energy out into the Universe no matter how clever we think we are at masking it. The Universal Energy gives us more of the same because what we think about most often is like a magnet that draws more of the same back to us.

What if we made a concerted effort to become the wind UNDER the sails of others rather than taking the wind OUT of their sails? By making a concerted effort to compliment others we are changing the Universe one statement, one person at a time. Sometimes developing a more positive mindset takes work but is so worth it. The energy we bring to a circumstance by being positive just magnifies itself in our own life. It’s important to remember that ‘what goes around comes around.’

If you know of someone who might be helped by reading this blog please pass it on. Sometimes we can be a positive catalyst in the life of others when we do it from a place of love.

Have a great few days!

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Are You Inclusive or Exclusive?

How comfortable are you with diversity? When we think about the Universal Energy of which we are all apart how can the diversity in others cause us fear or concern? Are we not all on a journey to learn our own unique lessons in life? Are we not all wanting the same thing? I believe each of us is wishing and hoping for others to look favorably upon us regardless of who we are and the struggles we are involved with while living on planet earth. Yet, sometimes we find ourselves viewing the habits of others and we think to ourselves, ‘well that’s rather strange.’ Let’s think again about the last time we felt uncomfortable because someone didn’t fit neatly into our own definition of comfort zone. I’ll bet a situation can immediately come to mind.

There are so many types of diversity: race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, socio-economic, status, age, physical abilities, mental capacity, religious beliefs, political beliefs the list could go on and on. The differences are so great that it is sometimes a real challenge – maybe even impossible – to find others that view life through a similar lens. What if the Universe designed the differences as a test to teach us something about acceptance?

Seems to me that we can look upon differences in one of two ways. The first is with acceptance and a level of respect that causes us to move beyond tolerance to actually embracing and celebrating the rich dimensions of diversity within each individual. As we observe their differences we learn from them and become wiser people in the process. Or, the other option is to run back into our own comfort zone and think to ourselves that we alone have the right or proper view of life. When people take this second approach, we can see it in their faces and feel it in their energy. Their facial muscles tighten, their arms are frequently crossed in front of them and their eyes, the window to their soul, say to us, stay away you are not like me and I am not comfortable around you. When you observe people with this mindset something sad happens as they live out their life. Their world becomes smaller and smaller. Frequently they become fearful and angry at the world in general. It is, as if, they have spiraled down to a mere point of simply existing – not fully living – but merely existing. How sad.

What if we all made it a point to expand our comfort zone in some way just for today? It doesn’t have to be a biggie but just something that causes us a slight discomfort. Discomfort can be a good thing. It can indicate an area for potential growth. The opportunity to become a wiser, more accepting human being is in our hands. We simply need to decide if we are big enough, strong enough or wise enough to become more inclusive and less exclusive. Due to free will the choice is always up to us.

Let’s take the challenge and pick up the ball and run with it today and look at another human being that is different from ourselves with acceptance and celebration. Doing so will cause us to smile when we go to bed tonight realizing that we purposely pushed our envelop of comfort and in doing so we have enlarged our lives and made the world a little better place.

Have a great few days!

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Defining Normal

How many times have we thought when observing a person or situation, ‘that is not normal.’ Or better yet, how many times have we thought another person is not doing things right or correctly …according to what we judge to be so. The operative word here, of course, is JUDGE. If we are honest with ourselves, most or all of us would say, yes I do that frequently when what I see or hear doesn’t match MY definition of regular or normal. My question to you then is what do you define as normal? Do you think your definition is the only right one possible? Is there any flexibility in your interpretation of the word?

By definition, normal is stated to be ‘conforming to a standard, usual, regular or natural – a common behavior in society.’ However – and this is the biggie here – the definition of normality varies by person, time, place, situation and changes with societal standards and norms. In other words, ‘normal’ is intended to be a FLEXIBLE concept by definition. Yet we seem to define the word using a rigid standard according to what we are comfortable with at the moment. That sort of makes us judge and jury for everyone and everything in life doesn’t it? We place others unwittingly in an untenable situation because they are not meeting our own arbitrary standard of normal. Trust me on this one, they can feel your judgment and negative energy and will react accordingly. That is a rather dangerous or hurtful place to be don’t you think?

I believe defining normal is rather like defining beauty. It is in the eyes of the beholder as long as no one is hurt in the process. Each of us has a right to decide what works best for us without fear of reprisal or condemnation. It is sort of one of those inalienable rights given to us by a power much greater than ourselves.

If we allow ourselves to see the behaviors of others as ‘not normal’ that implies that something in their behavior needs to be corrected. But if we haven’t walked in their shoes and understand what they are coping with, how can we possibly believe that we are so smart, powerful or wise to determine what is normal or right for them? Could it be that what we are observing is simply a temporary or ‘normal’ state in reaction to that person’s circumstances at the moment. Could it be that they need understanding and acceptance and are just waiting to see if we are willing to get out of our own comfort zone and give it to them?

I believe that we would all be happier in our individual life journeys if we consciously worked at accepting others as we want to be accepted – without value judgments or conditions. The bottom line is that we are all seeking the same thing – unconditional love and understanding as we proceed on our paths. What we give we receive in return – no more no less.

Have a great few days!

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The Art of Resiliency

Resiliency is created when we think past the primary thing we want to have, do or be and add possible options to our thinking. It is all about having a strategy – liken to playing chess – thinking ahead for possible moves in case the most obvious or desired one simply doesn’t work out. Simply put, the more options we create as possibilities in our life (plans A, B, or C) the more confident we become because we are prepared for the never ending list of changes that are inevitably thrown at us.

The author, Bill Bryson, has written many books about travel. His writing is engaging and his trips exciting – even hair raising at times. Recently, I have read two of his books, ‘Sunburned Country’ which is about the amazing continent of Australia and the other entitled, ‘A Walk in the Woods’ a story about the 2100 mile hiking trail from Georgia to Maine – the Appalachian Trail. Resiliency seems to be his first and foremost trait. Reading Bryson’s work we can live vicariously through the mental, emotional and physical challenges that continually confront him on his journey. We realize that what we know on an intuitive basis – that gut feeling of ‘this is the way to go for now’ gives us a flexibility when viewing life’s hurdles and offers us a greater sense of peace. If we are forced to take the longer road to accomplish something, we may not, at first, be happy but we know we can survive – maybe even thrive in the process. It is true, life is about the journey along the way.

I have never met anyone who hasn’t had curve balls thrown at them in their lives. In fact, some of these balls may cause serious injuries to our minds, bodies and hearts. Yet some people just seem more adept as the lyric in the song says of ‘ picking themselves up, dusting themselves off and starting over again.’ What makes these individuals different? Are they bigger, stronger or smarter than others? Probably not. But they do have a secret ingredient involved in their thinking – a survival mentality – that is the crucial difference. They have learned simply through living that rarely do things work out exactly as planned. From their life experiences they have learned the art of resiliency. They do not demand that things be different or fall apart when the ball goes far afield. They run, jump and reach higher to attain their goal. They may slip and fall along the way but they continue on – for the love of the game and themselves. They remind me of the famous saying by Winston Churchill. ‘Never, Never, Never, Never give up!’

Developing the art of resiliency is something worth considering.

Have a great few days!

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Irreplaceable Loss

Around the world we are watching the effects of the devastating tornado in Moore, Oklahoma. To date, 24 people have lost their lives. Natural disasters are frighteningly unpredictable and may cause us to feel uncertain, vulnerable even fearful of tomorrow.

We don’t understand why things of this magnitude happen and why one life is spared and another lost. What can we do to regain our emotional balance and continue on with our lives? Of equal importance, what can we do to help others?

Many times contributing to a reputable assistance fund to aid the victims allows us to feel that we are doing something, however small, to offer a measure of comfort and support. Possessions can, over time, be replaced and are merely things, commodities that seemed important at a point in our lives.

The irreplaceable loss, of course, are the human lives. The deaths of those 24 people will leave a gaping hole in the hearts of their family members who must face tomorrow without them. For those of us who have experienced the loss of a loved one, we know the lives of those left behind will be changed forever. We also remember the importance of taking the time to connect with someone who has experienced a loss. We need not worry about what to say for words, oftentimes, are unnecessary. Our energy and concern for the grieving soul can offer strength to them. Simply listening to them as they talk about their loved one can be a lifeline. It helps keep their loved ones alive in their minds as they talk about them and remember….

Every person grieves on their own timeframe. What we do know is that the stages of grief are painfully predictable. Denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance are real emotional hurdles – mountains even, that we must overcome when we have lost a loved one. It will take a great deal of time before the survivors will be able to first crawl, then more slowly stand and regain their footing. Initially, they may question what they could have or should have done to prevent their loved ones’ death. Over time, they arrive at an acceptance that they were powerless to prevent the loss and, as cruel as it may sound, “All is as it should be.” They will never forget their loved one that is physically gone but will gradually begin to rely on the loving memories as salve for their wounded hearts. Losing a loved one has a way of humbling all of us – bringing us to our knees with gut wrenching pain.

Eventually, loss causes us to reexamine the importance of our priorities in life and we place greater value on our relationships with friends and family. Whatever moments we have left become even more purposeful and significant.

Let’s remember the adage, ‘Live each moment to the fullest.’ As witnessed in Moore, tomorrow is shockingly, painfully uncertain. The only thing we do have for certain is this moment – right here – right now in which to make a difference.

Thanks for reading!

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Planning Your Tomorrow’s

Many of us feel the need to have a Plan A, B and, at more stressful times, even a Plan C in our lives. I understand the need to think ahead so that we are more prepared to handle obstacles and create the life we choose to live. The act of planning, in itself, offers a certain peace of mind in our fast-paced world. The huge benefit to planning is that when we form a plan we are putting our intentions out to the Universe. That is a powerful thing to do. Why? Simply put, we basically get what we think about most often – no more or no less. The act of planning is a way to line up the energy of the Universe to deliver to us what we truly want and need in life. We don’t have to cross all the t’s or dot all the i’s in our plan but simply see, feel and know the big picture of what we most desire and have absolute confidence that it will come to us … in Universal Time.

There is a big difference between our human time clock where everything needs to happen yesterday and the time frame of the Universe or so called Universal Time. When we reflect back on our lives, didn’t everything happen for a purpose and didn’t the time just seem right? At first, we may not completely understand the timing or purpose but if we dig deeper we will discover the golden nugget of truth and say to ourselves, ‘this is what I was supposed to learn from that situation.’ The good news is that if we learned the lesson we move on to our next life adventure. If not, the lesson seems to come back again and again, each time a little more dramatically and forcefully until we finally say, ‘Aha, now I get it!’

If you take a moment in your busy schedule and think about what life might be trying to teach you at this point in your journey you may be surprised by your discovery. Is it about making the world a better place, demonstrating acceptance of yourself and others, unconditional love? These are just a few of the mighty lessons presented to us that may take a lifetime to learn, but learn we must.

Planning then is a guide to the Universe, a preferred way that the lessons we have to learn will be presented to us. Personally, I feel more at peace and empowered knowing I have the capacity to be an even more active,integral part of the whole process through planning. It crystallizes the idea that life is not happening to me but through me rather like a joint partnership. The saying, ‘All is as it should be,’ then begins to make even more sense in our lives.

Have a great few days!

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Authentic Listening Skills

Being a good listener is more important than ever in our fast paced world. With text messages, emails, Facebook and other social media we may be making random comments about our activities but is anyone truly listening and caring about what we are saying? Do we feel more valued by the numbers of ‘Friends’ we have on Facebook?

Showing you care about someone involves learning the art and skill of authentic listening. It requires taking the time to hear, process, ask questions, and paraphrase back what the person said to us to make sure we heard not what they said but what they truly meant. When we repeat back to them what they said and ask them ‘is that what you meant,’ they usually use different words to clarify what they actually meant in their heart. Due to our own individual life experiences words mean different things to different people. Clarifying helps us avoid jumping to conclusions or misinterpreting the message.

Developing good listening skills means we stop interrupting, talking over or faster than the other person, answering for others rather than giving them the time to respond, or controlling the conversations. For instance, if four people are present each should continually be given an equal amount of time to speak and be heard. Everyone then feels important and valued. You may be able to see an answer to another person’s dilemma but unless they ASK you for advice it is best not to give it. No one wants to be treated like a child, told what to do or not to do. This type of behavior builds up impenetrable walls of resentment towards you and eventually the valuable relationship can come to a screeching halt.

The greatest gift I received from a dear friend years ago when I called to tell her about a life changing experience I was dealing with was her masterful response. She simply said to me, ‘how do you feel about that?’ She allowed me to talk, she listened with her head and heart as I processed through the circumstance. She asked clarifying questions but never told me what I should or shouldn’t do. It was clear that she valued and trusted me enough to work through the concern and arrive at the answer that would work best for me. She was an authentic listener.

Ask yourself, what does it feel like when someone truly listens to you? Don’t you want to give that same gift of appreciation and acceptance to others? You can if you eliminate your own ‘advice giving’ habit and work at developing authentic listing skills. It boils down to a couple simple facts, you don’t walk in their shoes and you don’t help them by telling them what to do.

Epictetus, a Greek philosopher, said ‘nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak.’ Brilliant!

Have a great few days!

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The Importance of Tenacity

Roger Ebert, THE film critic, author and first journalist (of three) to win a Pulitzer Prize passed away on Friday after a long battle with cancer. When he lost his voice to the disease he found a way to ‘keep on keeping on’ his work and became an avid social media user on both Facebook and Twitter. He refused to give up simply because his voice was gone along with part of his jaw. Although he could not eat or drink as we do, he found sustenance in other ways. Communicating to his nearly 600,000 followers was too important a task to walk away from – tenacity – he had it in spades. He created the now familiar thumbs up sign which became a trademark used by he and his fellow critic Gene Siskel who died in 1999. Demonstrating his passion for connecting with others, he posted his last blog on Wednesday, two days before his death.

What an impact he had on this world! Michael Moore credited him with his own success when he enthusiastically endorsed Moore’s first movie, ‘Roger and Me.’ The integrity of Ebert’s message was felt by both the large film industry as well as the small independent film producers. Movies should stand for something, make an impact and deliver a message along the way.

The tremendous success he experienced came from his honesty, hard work and passion for his field. He believed that the significance of films was in how they could sensitize us to go where we had never been in our minds. He encouraged us to stretch our sensibilities and walk in another person’s shoes during the 90 minutes of a well made movie. His reviews were never ‘bought or sold’ to the highest bidder. If he gave the thumbs up sign, you knew the price of the theatre ticket would be money well spent. He was a person who lived his truth in service to others and just happened to love his job along the way!

During his battle with cancer some people told him he was a brave inspiration. Shunning the accolade he replied that “courage and bravery have little to do with it. You play the cards you are dealt.” He did not want praise or pity but to simply be allowed to keep on going and apply his steely determination to contribute to our views for tomorrow.

Reflecting on death he wrote in 2010 that he did not fear it because he “didn’t believe there was anything on the other side to fear. I was perfectly content before I was born and I think of death as the same state. I am grateful for the gifts of intelligence, love, wonder and laughter. You can’t say it wasn’t interesting.”

He lived life to the fullest and made an impact along the way. I wish him well on his journey. Tonight when we gaze up at the sky we might see a star flickering a little more brightly than the rest. It may be Roger Ebert telling us he has arrived and to keep on going regardless of our challenges and to remember to enjoy the ride as we give it everything we’ve got to make the world a little better place. ‘Roger on that…’

Have a great few days!

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Happiness is a Learned Skill

There is a new branch of psychology entitled, Positive Psychology. Rather than the more traditional study of the field that looks at unhappiness or dysfunction and attaches a label and recommended therapy to the circumstance, this branch of psychology does just the opposite. It examines happiness and recommends activities to optimize feelings of well being. It gives us specific findings from studies of human behavior that can help us learn to increase our own happiness level and experience the elusive butterfly of happiness as a permanent resident on our shoulder.

Supporting the Positive Psychology movement, a documentary entitled, ‘Happy,’ interviewed people in various countries of the world to determine where the greatest happiness or lack of happiness existed. Interestingly, Japan was listed as the country with the lowest level of happiness. Interviewing Japanese workers and their families it became apparent that due to the demanding expectation of their culture to work harder, longer and achieve more has left the Japanese people too physically and emotionally exhausted to enjoy life. Their faces told the story of their plight. It was shocking to hear that the Japanese are working themselves to death. Conversely, the random faces of the people in Denmark, Bhutan and even those living in the slum housing of India portrayed a completely different story. They were ranked much happier by comparison to the Japanese! Why?

Well, we are social creatures by nature. Time spent with family and friends gives us a sense of belonging and joy. We feel both valued and loved by the significant people in our lives. When we give and receive unconditional love, the rest of life is kept in perspective, our heart sings and our happiness soars.

Creating more happiness in our lives includes regular physical exercise, relaxation and variety in our daily activities – even changing the route we take to work or on a walk is important. Trying new experiences gets the synapses in our brain to function in new ways. Change expands our comfort zone and keeps us sharp, energetic and creates more self confidence.

As the Dalai Lama has said, compassionate regard for others, and making the world a better place also increases our own happiness index. It’s true, we make ourselves happier when we take the time to care for others.

Next, taking even 10 minutes a day in meditation or simply quiet time in contemplative thought allows our minds to relax and reflect on all that we have to be grateful for in the Universe. It helps us right ourselves with the world.

These findings from the studies on happiness are important factors to consider incorporating into our lives. They can help us create a happier more positive view on life and our own capabilities. When we engaged in these activities our brains release dopamine which is an important element to our overall mental and physical health. As a result, as the inevitable challenges surface in our lives we are stronger and better equipped to handle them.

Greater happiness is a learned skill. By personally applying some of these research findings on happiness life becomes the gift as intended and not a burden to be carried. The challenge is to expand our repertoire of happiness experiences and not simply do more of what we are presently doing. Just as the phrase implies, variety truly is the spice of life.

Have a great few days!

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Fear of the Unknown

We like closure. It helps us feel more in control. However, if closure is not immediate what do we do? Frequently, we fill in the details about what this MIGHT mean. Our monkey brains work nonstop and our past experiences often fill in the unknown with fear, anxiety and negative thinking. Fear, in itself, can be a good thing. It has allowed us to evolve by signaling the need for a flight response. For instance, one could think of the letters in the word fear as standing for ‘f… everything and run’ when you feel physically threatened.

Another valid interpretation of the letters in fear could mean ‘false evidence appearing real’ when we don’t have enough information to understand the meaning behind a situation. In this circumstance your choice of interpretation is just that, your choice and your interpretation based on incomplete data. When you slow down and think more deeply about what you really don’t yet know about the circumstance you gain a sense of control and greater self confidence.

Ultimately, when additional information is supplied we usually think to ourselves, ‘Oh, that wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.’ It might even be a good thing eventually but at the initial moment we often have a tendency to put ourselves through a boat load of stress and worry. Why?

We act consistently with beliefs about ourselves which were formed from childhood and further developed through life experiences. The problem is that we often create our own filters during moments of stress and negative experiences then use these filters to interpret the future. This is especially true if someone in our lives has been in a position that, over time, created fear or anxiety in our lives. Maybe we had a parent or boss that used intimidation or fear as a method of control. If you have experienced this it really says a lot more about their insecurities than about your own capabilities. But as you are creating your own life filters you are rarely able to internalize this point.

The good news is that once we realize that our fears often develop from either lack of information or from the negative behavior directed from others we can do something about it! When we feel fear or anxiety about future events begin to take over our thinking we have the power to slow down our thinking, exhale slowly, and remember that 99% of what we fear or worry about never comes to pass. Future events can be interpreted with fear and anxiety OR a belief in your own personal power. If you reflect upon the many things in life that you have been able to manage, accomplish and overcome, it will help you gain a renewed sense of confidence. You really can handle whatever life has in store.

Visualize the phrase ‘jumping to conclusions.’ It’s a funny image. Would you normally arrive at a conclusion about something in your life without all the needed information? Would you buy something, designed something or conclude something about someone with few facts? Probably not. Yet this is exactly what we do to ourselves when we allow fear or anxiety from previous experiences to control our interpretation of future events.

Learning to control our response to stressful or difficult circumstances is not easy. It takes practice. We may fall back, occasionally, to the ‘what ifs’ in life. That’s okay. The amount of TIME we allow ourselves to REMAIN in that state seems to determine our happiness index in life overall. Something to think about!

Have a great few days!

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