Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘after death communication’

Live, Laugh and Love Life

Don’t you just love to be around people that make you laugh? It seems to lighten our load and gives us a break from the constant mind chatter going on in our monkey brains. Realizing this, how many times in the past week have you had a good laugh over something? For those of us who have intense personalities and over scheduled lives we may be unaware of the importance humor plays in our own personal sense of well being. I read a quote recently from Gina Barreca, Ph.D. who said, “Humor is the one thing that fear cannot abide. Laughter banishes anxiety and can help replace fear.”

We know that laughter, even the simple act of smiling, can change the neurochemistry in our brains and cause us to feel better. Positive thought builds new neuron connections in our brains and we begin to feel more confident and hopeful about tomorrow. We can do this for ourselves by laughing often even about the smallest things in our lives. Sounds like a simple solution to me. Yet, sometimes we overlook the most simplistic of solutions thinking that there must be more to the story.

There is, in fact, a lot more to the story of achieving happiness. For many it takes a lifetime to realize that happiness is in, around and through us at all times just waiting to be encouraged to full bloom. It is not something external to buy or achieve but rather internal that you nurture to a radiant bloom in your personal garden of life.

All of us experience fears and anxieties. It just seems part of the human condition. Sometimes these feelings can rise to a fever pitch and we wonder if life will ever get any easier. One sure way to take a break from this tension and stress is to take a “laughter break” for a minute and remember that an ability to laugh at yourself or a circumstance along the way can help put things in perspective. Take a moment and think about the last time you truly laughed about something. How did it make you feel?

A regular dose of humor is important for all of us. It can be the salve that stops the itch of uncertainty or fear brooding below the surface. Movies, books, even an email forwarded to us of some outrageous circumstance are opportunities for laughter which increases our feelings of happiness. The human connection, engaging in a conversation with another person, is a great way to appreciate all that life has to offer as we smile, laugh and fully enjoy the moment together. Choose to give and receive the gift of laughter with others and everyone wins.. It doesn’t cost anything, is easily attainable and can be used repeatedly without worrying about the side effects. How much better can it get?

I believe in the quote, ‘laughter is the best medicine.’ Well, even if it’s not THE best it’s surely up there in the top 10! For a few days check your face in the mirror occasionally. Does your image look happy, hopeful and appreciative of the life you have created? As you check out your own level of happiness you may decide that you want more of it. Start by forcing, if necessary, a smile on your face from time to time, and give in to the urge to laugh at life. Not only will it increase your face value but you will begin to feel better overall. Sometimes we need to ‘fake it ’till we make it,’ that’s okay. Changing behavior starts with an intentional act that you choose to make in order to improve your life. It’s worth the effort.

Have a great few days!

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The Importance of Tenacity

Roger Ebert, THE film critic, author and first journalist (of three) to win a Pulitzer Prize passed away on Friday after a long battle with cancer. When he lost his voice to the disease he found a way to ‘keep on keeping on’ his work and became an avid social media user on both Facebook and Twitter. He refused to give up simply because his voice was gone along with part of his jaw. Although he could not eat or drink as we do, he found sustenance in other ways. Communicating to his nearly 600,000 followers was too important a task to walk away from – tenacity – he had it in spades. He created the now familiar thumbs up sign which became a trademark used by he and his fellow critic Gene Siskel who died in 1999. Demonstrating his passion for connecting with others, he posted his last blog on Wednesday, two days before his death.

What an impact he had on this world! Michael Moore credited him with his own success when he enthusiastically endorsed Moore’s first movie, ‘Roger and Me.’ The integrity of Ebert’s message was felt by both the large film industry as well as the small independent film producers. Movies should stand for something, make an impact and deliver a message along the way.

The tremendous success he experienced came from his honesty, hard work and passion for his field. He believed that the significance of films was in how they could sensitize us to go where we had never been in our minds. He encouraged us to stretch our sensibilities and walk in another person’s shoes during the 90 minutes of a well made movie. His reviews were never ‘bought or sold’ to the highest bidder. If he gave the thumbs up sign, you knew the price of the theatre ticket would be money well spent. He was a person who lived his truth in service to others and just happened to love his job along the way!

During his battle with cancer some people told him he was a brave inspiration. Shunning the accolade he replied that “courage and bravery have little to do with it. You play the cards you are dealt.” He did not want praise or pity but to simply be allowed to keep on going and apply his steely determination to contribute to our views for tomorrow.

Reflecting on death he wrote in 2010 that he did not fear it because he “didn’t believe there was anything on the other side to fear. I was perfectly content before I was born and I think of death as the same state. I am grateful for the gifts of intelligence, love, wonder and laughter. You can’t say it wasn’t interesting.”

He lived life to the fullest and made an impact along the way. I wish him well on his journey. Tonight when we gaze up at the sky we might see a star flickering a little more brightly than the rest. It may be Roger Ebert telling us he has arrived and to keep on going regardless of our challenges and to remember to enjoy the ride as we give it everything we’ve got to make the world a little better place. ‘Roger on that…’

Have a great few days!

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Happiness is a Learned Skill

There is a new branch of psychology entitled, Positive Psychology. Rather than the more traditional study of the field that looks at unhappiness or dysfunction and attaches a label and recommended therapy to the circumstance, this branch of psychology does just the opposite. It examines happiness and recommends activities to optimize feelings of well being. It gives us specific findings from studies of human behavior that can help us learn to increase our own happiness level and experience the elusive butterfly of happiness as a permanent resident on our shoulder.

Supporting the Positive Psychology movement, a documentary entitled, ‘Happy,’ interviewed people in various countries of the world to determine where the greatest happiness or lack of happiness existed. Interestingly, Japan was listed as the country with the lowest level of happiness. Interviewing Japanese workers and their families it became apparent that due to the demanding expectation of their culture to work harder, longer and achieve more has left the Japanese people too physically and emotionally exhausted to enjoy life. Their faces told the story of their plight. It was shocking to hear that the Japanese are working themselves to death. Conversely, the random faces of the people in Denmark, Bhutan and even those living in the slum housing of India portrayed a completely different story. They were ranked much happier by comparison to the Japanese! Why?

Well, we are social creatures by nature. Time spent with family and friends gives us a sense of belonging and joy. We feel both valued and loved by the significant people in our lives. When we give and receive unconditional love, the rest of life is kept in perspective, our heart sings and our happiness soars.

Creating more happiness in our lives includes regular physical exercise, relaxation and variety in our daily activities – even changing the route we take to work or on a walk is important. Trying new experiences gets the synapses in our brain to function in new ways. Change expands our comfort zone and keeps us sharp, energetic and creates more self confidence.

As the Dalai Lama has said, compassionate regard for others, and making the world a better place also increases our own happiness index. It’s true, we make ourselves happier when we take the time to care for others.

Next, taking even 10 minutes a day in meditation or simply quiet time in contemplative thought allows our minds to relax and reflect on all that we have to be grateful for in the Universe. It helps us right ourselves with the world.

These findings from the studies on happiness are important factors to consider incorporating into our lives. They can help us create a happier more positive view on life and our own capabilities. When we engaged in these activities our brains release dopamine which is an important element to our overall mental and physical health. As a result, as the inevitable challenges surface in our lives we are stronger and better equipped to handle them.

Greater happiness is a learned skill. By personally applying some of these research findings on happiness life becomes the gift as intended and not a burden to be carried. The challenge is to expand our repertoire of happiness experiences and not simply do more of what we are presently doing. Just as the phrase implies, variety truly is the spice of life.

Have a great few days!

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Fear of the Unknown

We like closure. It helps us feel more in control. However, if closure is not immediate what do we do? Frequently, we fill in the details about what this MIGHT mean. Our monkey brains work nonstop and our past experiences often fill in the unknown with fear, anxiety and negative thinking. Fear, in itself, can be a good thing. It has allowed us to evolve by signaling the need for a flight response. For instance, one could think of the letters in the word fear as standing for ‘f… everything and run’ when you feel physically threatened.

Another valid interpretation of the letters in fear could mean ‘false evidence appearing real’ when we don’t have enough information to understand the meaning behind a situation. In this circumstance your choice of interpretation is just that, your choice and your interpretation based on incomplete data. When you slow down and think more deeply about what you really don’t yet know about the circumstance you gain a sense of control and greater self confidence.

Ultimately, when additional information is supplied we usually think to ourselves, ‘Oh, that wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.’ It might even be a good thing eventually but at the initial moment we often have a tendency to put ourselves through a boat load of stress and worry. Why?

We act consistently with beliefs about ourselves which were formed from childhood and further developed through life experiences. The problem is that we often create our own filters during moments of stress and negative experiences then use these filters to interpret the future. This is especially true if someone in our lives has been in a position that, over time, created fear or anxiety in our lives. Maybe we had a parent or boss that used intimidation or fear as a method of control. If you have experienced this it really says a lot more about their insecurities than about your own capabilities. But as you are creating your own life filters you are rarely able to internalize this point.

The good news is that once we realize that our fears often develop from either lack of information or from the negative behavior directed from others we can do something about it! When we feel fear or anxiety about future events begin to take over our thinking we have the power to slow down our thinking, exhale slowly, and remember that 99% of what we fear or worry about never comes to pass. Future events can be interpreted with fear and anxiety OR a belief in your own personal power. If you reflect upon the many things in life that you have been able to manage, accomplish and overcome, it will help you gain a renewed sense of confidence. You really can handle whatever life has in store.

Visualize the phrase ‘jumping to conclusions.’ It’s a funny image. Would you normally arrive at a conclusion about something in your life without all the needed information? Would you buy something, designed something or conclude something about someone with few facts? Probably not. Yet this is exactly what we do to ourselves when we allow fear or anxiety from previous experiences to control our interpretation of future events.

Learning to control our response to stressful or difficult circumstances is not easy. It takes practice. We may fall back, occasionally, to the ‘what ifs’ in life. That’s okay. The amount of TIME we allow ourselves to REMAIN in that state seems to determine our happiness index in life overall. Something to think about!

Have a great few days!

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Permission to say No

If I could give you anything I’d give you back yourself. What does that mean? Many of us are so busy meeting the needs of others that we forget the importance of taking care of ourselves. We put ourselves second, third or even in last place and then wonder why we become resentful and exhausted. To add insult to injury, then we start feeling guilty about these feelings! I have a question for you to consider to illustrate this point. What have you done lately that was simply fun to do? When was the last time you felt like you were smiling from the inside out because you were just simply enjoying the moment?

It is not easy to say no to someone who continually relies on you. It makes you feel needed and important. Over time being the ‘go to’ person results in a feeling of being taken advantage of – and you are right. Once the habit is established it is difficult, but not impossible, to pull back and change. However, it is so important to allow others to meet their own personal and family needs. It helps them grow and realize that they are capable of so much more. Greater self confidence is a result of meeting challenges and learning that you can overcome them. Would you want to rob someone of achieving greater confidence? Of course you wouldn’t but by trying to meet everyone’s needs that’s what happens.

Giving to others is a good thing. We were taught that from childhood. What many of us were not taught, however, was to value ourselves enough to be able to say no to a request or expectation from someone when you really want or need to do so. Why is it so hard to say no? Basically, we are afraid ‘they’ won’t like, appreciate or need us in the future. So rather than facing our own insecurities we just put our needs on hold so that we won’t let someone down. By doing so we let ourselves down in the process.

We all want to feel loved, needed and safe. These emotional needs can be a gift or a burden. It’s all a matter of perspective and moderation . It is so important to love ourselves enough to calmly yet firmly refuse to be the person that everyone else relies on. There are no blue ribbons or 1st in show awards given out to us when we are always available, always meeting the needs of others. In fact, just the opposite is true. We become less respected and our lives become more chaotic when we are in a cycle of continually helping others and placing ourselves and our needs on the bottom of the list.

If you have been feeling overwhelmed or burdened by meeting the never ending needs of others maybe it’s time to reassess your own behavior. It is never too late to learn the art of gracefully saying no to someone. Just like everything else in life, it is not what you say but how you say it that makes all the difference. Consider practicing how to say no to someone with positive, loving energy. Remember you will be allowing them to grow into the confident, capable human being that they are meant to be in the process.

Have a great few days!

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Values on Your Compass

We each have our own moral compass consisting of our personal standards, values, and beliefs that have been formed from childhood and enlarged upon as we experience life. The values on our compass are the touchstones that are sacred to us as individuals. For example, concepts such as honesty, compassion and integrity are just a few areas that may constitute our moral compass. What five words would you choose to list on your moral compass? Which one concept is your true north, the most important of all the other values? The one you simply cannot compromise and remain true to yourself?

Although we all have our own moral compass we are interdependent on each other for survival. If we think about the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the energy we use to heat our homes or drive our cars, other human beings were involved in delivering to us what we needed to survive. It takes all of us to contribute our own unique skill set, working within our own moral compass, for the world to work.

We are inherently good, well-intentioned folks. We give and take from the banquet before us and try to make the world a little better place during our extended stay here. The challenge seems to be when values on our own moral compass conflict with values on the moral compass of others. What do we do when we disagree with the values that others seem to hold as their true north?

As individuals, it seems natural to have different priorities, different sacred cows. This can work well as long as we stay committed to improvement to society as a whole. However, if we allow ourselves to fall into indifference and not hold ourselves or others accountable for hypocrisy or benefit to personal vested interest rather than society as a whole than our system, our moral compass, begins to be negatively effected and we all lose.

It takes time to help a friend or loved one who is seeking input and yet, the time spent seems to be in direct proportion to the value we place on our human experience. How much time are you willing to give to help another? It also takes time to have your voice heard on political, economic or other areas. Time is the ultimate compliment you can offer to another person or cause. Who knows, you might just have a positive effect on the world. It’s worth a try.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, ” It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.”

Have a great few days!

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The Tree of Gratitude

Gratitude comes in different forms. Let’s visualize the levels of gratitude as the three main parts of a tree. The beautiful canopy of leaves that shade us from the sun is the gratitude we feel when something good happens to us or a friend or loved one. These daily experiences come in all types and variations just as the many leaves on a tree. All are significant, purposeful and give us a sense of thankfulness and appreciation for life. They give us hope for tomorrow.

The second form of gratitude could be visualized as the powerful trunk of the tree. It keeps the tree stable and allows it to withstand pelting rain, strong winds and heavy snow. This is the type of gratitude we feel from an unconditional belief that God/The Universe doesn’t make mistakes. We know in our hearts that everything that happens (or doesn’t happen) in our life is for a reason. We accept that we live in a purposeful Universe and that anything that happens can be seen as a message or lesson from the Universe. The hidden gift in this level of gratitude is in our ability to seek the purpose behind the experience and learn from it. Whether the ultimate result was what we wanted to happen or not we know it is important to search further to glean the lesson from the experience.

The highest form of gratitude can be compared to the actual life sustaining root system of the tree. It is the true thankfulness we feel when we remember that our entire being is a gift of love from the Universe. We were created perfectly with all the gifts, talents and love we will ever need. We just have to stop chasing that elusive butterfly of happiness and let in land in its rightful place and home on our shoulder. We know the answers to the questions we are asking or the right response to the challenges of the moment. The type of happiness that results from this form of gratitude is life transforming. Just as the root system of the tree remains the strength of life for the tree, this deeper level of gratitude is our root system of authentic, never-ending happiness. When we accept that living a life of love, happiness and peace is our birthright it frees us, allows us to breathe more deeply and face life with a smile from the inside out. We have chosen this life we are living to learn our own unique lessons and to make the world a little better place by being in it. We can do all this an more when we face our tomorrows with the strength in our belief that we are a part of an incredible energy field of love, designed to be happy and confident that we have all that we need to be successful.

Today is the perfect day to start believing in your inalienable right to live a life of happiness, joy and love. You deserve it!

Make it a great few days!

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Living with Joy

Piers Morgan interviewed American stage and screen actress Valerie Harper last night on CNN. After winning her battle with lung cancer in 2011, she has recently been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Her doctors told her that she has only weeks or months to live. She decided to go public with her health issue to remind us to focus on the things that are really important in life and to live life to the fullest. Knowledge of one’s impending death strips away the minors in our thinking and allows us to get to the majors – the true heart of the matter. She looked and sounded radiantly happy, even joyful at times, and it took my breath away. It was the kind of happy that we rarely see but recognize it as coming from somewhere deep, deep inside.

Some things she said she has learned and wanted to share were:

Don’t miss one hour of today thinking about tomorrow
Whatever lies ahead is just that – ahead – and not now
Refuse to think of the should haves, would haves or could haves in your life

Her point was to not let fear of your tomorrows or regrets of your yesterdays control your life. Since none of us gets out of here alive we need to learn to enjoy the ride. Each of us has our own unique lessons to learn and it makes sense to surround ourselves with positive energy as we are learning them. Yes, issues come up, challenges can momentarily reroute our path but everything that happens can be viewed in either a positive or negative frame – an opportunity to grow in wisdom or not.

Valerie also mentioned the topic of forgiveness. She said it is giving up the wish that the past could have been different and releasing the energy we are using to keep those regrets alive in our minds. Better to use that energy making today all that it can be.

When Piers Morgan asked her how she wanted to be remembered she said, “Up and off the couch!”

Valerie Harper is such an inspiration – a model – of how to accept the inevitable without anger or regret but simply with a sense of peace. A knowing and accepting in her heart that ‘all is as it should be.’ In facing her imminent death she is valiantly using the last bit of energy she has to reach out to us with a gentle reminder about the importance of truly living in the now. She is modeling a love of humanity that is so heartfelt it seems like her life mission. She is teaching us how to live as well as how to pass on with dignity and grace.

Watching her was both inspiring and humbling. I thank her for all that she has done to entertain us in the past and all that she is doing now to guide us in the present. Happy journey Valerie!

Let’s make it a great few days by putting her ideas in action!

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Dreams for Tomorrow

Remember the song, ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’? The line in the lyrics that especially moves me is, ‘the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.’ What are your dreams? What do you want more than anything in the world? Do you have a dream for tomorrow?

Are you into possibility thinking or limitation thinking? For instance, if you want something to happen in your life but you are saying to yourself, I am too young, too old, too inexperienced too WHATEVER .. stop and listen to yourself. You are limiting yourself by what you are thinking. There is no magic age or situation that is the pivotal point that finally allows you to be happy. It is a daily thought process that allows you to evolve into possibility thinking! Happiness really is a state of mind not a state of circumstance.

If you find yourself thinking, I don’t have enough money to .. (fill in the blank) or I am not smart enough to … (again, fill in the blank) or I have to wait until … just stop… why are you placing limits on yourself? When we hear the statement that we are our own worst enemy it sort of fits in this context. The Universe will only deliver to you what you truly desire – no more no less. That sort of puts everything into perspective don’t you think?

I would recommend that you look at tomorrow as the first day of the rest of your life. No kidding, let’s look at tomorrow as a clean slate – let’s forget about what didn’t happen in your past and think about what you want and desire for the rest of your life and actually make it happen. You are, after all, the grand designer of all that you are and all that you will be in this lifetime.

Everything in the Universe is perfectly aligned to deliver whatever is foremost in your thinking. So let’s make our thinking one of possibilities not limitations. Make tomorrow the best day of your life!

Have a great few days!

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90% is a Good Percentage!

It has been said that 90% of what we worry about never happens. Yet, many of us find ourselves ruminating about the many things that can go wrong when trying to make a decision or simply facing a new day. We may conjure up all kinds of ‘what ifs’ regarding things that could happen. I understand the need for caution and to think through the pros and cons of a situation before making a big decision. However, many times we can become paralyzed by fear and refuse to move forward with a change in our lives because something negative might happen.The operative word here is might!

If you fast forward to the end of your life how do you think people will remember you? Will they say he/she gave me energy when I was around them and encouraged me to grow? Or will they think that being around you was an obligation which drained them of their own energy? Something they needed to do simply because they were a family member or close friend. You really never know which of your words or actions will create a lasting memory for someone else.

Our thinking, whether positive or negative takes root and produces seeds that will grow into the tomorrows of our lives. In fact, these seeds can affect the tomorrows of our loved ones lives as well. Our legacy to family and friends can be one of hope, possibility thinking and love or not. It is completely up to us to choose. I believe our words, behavior and overall modeling can be the greatest gift or burden we can pass on to future generations. Our life is no brief candle but a torch that we pass on to future generations that will, hopefully, burn brightly when they remember us. When you put your thinking and behavior in that perspective it takes on a whole new meaning.

The next time you find yourself in a cycle of negative thinking and unable to move past the fear involved in either decision making or simply facing a new day remember that the law of averages is on your side. I believe, without question, the axiom that 90% of what we worry about never happens. Personally, I like those averages!

As my son said in my book, “Mom, everything is as it should be.” I believe this with everything in me. This message from the other side has given me confidence to make changes in my life, face uncertainties when necessary and continue to move forward with a belief of the rightness of my decisions and the wonderful possibilities in my tomorrows. Hopefully, I can pay it forward to you.

Have a great few days!

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