Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘grief’

Child, Parent or Adult – That is the Question

Years ago there was a book by Eric Berne entitled the ‘Games People Play.’ It was a popular read that was steeped in a deeper analysis of human motivation somewhat based on Freud. Berne explained the deeper concepts using three different approaches that we could relate to in our lives. His premise was that people typically use one of these approaches to avoid real intimacy or at least to get what they want out of life. Being honest with ourselves we all use methods of manipulation in our lives. Like everything else in life it is to the degree that we use them that either helps or impedes our growth. Berne labeled these three different approaches as the Child, Parent, and Adult perspectives. It is worth examining our typical responses as well as those around us to understand how these perspectives apply. We choose one of these perspectives to seek attention, recognition and ‘strokes’ from others. Early in life we discovered that one of them seemed to work better for us and over time it may have become a behavioral mode of interacting with others to help us control our circumstances. With everything in life the more we do something the better we become at it.

To begin, let’s look at the Child orientation. Think of a young child and frequently a smile will come to your face as they entertain us, and make us laugh at their behavior. We watch them as they are naturally spontaneous, curious and display a confidence to try new things. They just want to have fun right? But they can also be difficult if they don’t get their own way, or receive an immediate response to their demands. They can throw tantrums and exhibit a stubbornness and catastrophic view of events that are out of their control. Rather than ‘go with the flow’ they expect to control the flow because they just know people want to make them happy. After all, who doesn’t just love a child?

The next perspective, labeled the Parent approach, can involve problem solving, wise counsel and a feeling of safety and security. However, it can also result in telling, directing, demanding and judging. This can be the person who seems to think they have all the right answers – not just for themselves but for us as well. After all, many of us looked to one or both of our parents to give us an answer or an okay about something we wanted to do in our life. We looked for their approval. What type of message did you receive from your parent(s) about work, relationships, achievement and security. Are you modeling the same behavior you watched as a child?

The last approach, labeled the ADULT is one which uses a rational objectivity, acceptance of truth – without judgment or demands. An example would be that when listening to you explain a challenge or roadblock in your life asks you how you feel about it. They want you to process your feelings and grow from your inner discovery. They are cautious about giving advice because they realize that we are all on our own unique path and that the answer for one person may not be the right answer for another when dealing with human interactions. In spiritualism this approach would be compared to functioning in our higher self. Realizing that events happen for a purpose, a lesson and that we are basically actors on the stage of life living the parts of the script that we have written.

The beauty in examining our own behavior is that it can help us to determine areas or edges that we might choose to smooth out or areas in which we would like to expand our repertoire of responses. The more we examine ourselves the more confident and at peace we can become

Have a great few days!

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Letting Go Takes Love

This is the last blog in a 3 part series about the habit of rescuing others. Habits are hard to break. Breaking the habit of rescuing others is even harder because it involves you and someone else who has come to expect things from you. Without realizing what you have created by continuing to ‘be there in a pinch’ you may see that an entitlement mentality has developed. If so, we must ask ourselves if we are really helping them through their latest ‘crisis’ or actually causing them to become more dependent, or at least expectant on us, over the long haul. Think of holding a young child’s hand when they are learning to walk. You wouldn’t think of continuing to hold their hand throughout their adult life right? That would make them weak, insecure and emotionally dependent. A continual pattern of rescuing others actually hurts rather than helps them. What we do want is for them to develop resiliency in life. The ability to bounce back from their own life challenges. The Universe gives each of us exactly the challenges we have chosen to learn in this lifetime. There is no lesson learned by someone else fixing our problems. Sadly, the lessons will continue in frequency and intensity until we alone handle them ourselves. The following poem written by an unknown author sums up the importance of not rescuing others.

To ‘let go’ does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t continue to fix life for someone else.
To ‘let go’ is not to cut myself out of the picture but
to realize that I can’t fix every scene.
To ‘let go’ is not to continually enable crisis thinking
but to have enough faith in them to change it.
To ‘let go’ is to admit powerlessness,
which means I can’t fix their life, they must do it themselves.
To ‘let go’ is not to blame or try to change them
but to accept how they choose to live their life.
To ‘let go’ is not to care for
but to care about.
To ‘let go’ is not to be in the middle, arranging the outcomes
but to allow them to experience their chosen destiny.
To ‘let go’ is not to be overly protective
but to permit another to face their own reality.
To ‘let go’ is to have enough faith in another
to allow them to learn their own life lessons.
To ‘let go’ is to fear less and love more.

Each of us must learn to set our own boundaries, limits and expectations. When we truly love others enough we begin to practice being a good listener and supportive when they face life challenges but resist the temptation to just fix it one last time. We become strong enough to recognize the difference between enabling and disabling others from our actions. Over time, as we back away, we will see those same people who had come to rely on us handle their own situations and we can take pride in realizing that we had enough love and faith in them to know they could do it!

Have a great few days!

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Drop the Superman Cape!

This is the second blog on the topic of rescuing others and creating an entitlement mentality. Please go to last Sunday’s blog in the archives to read part one if you missed it. The topic, of course, is when to help someone in need and when to realize that YOU are perpetuating an expectation in them that is interfering with their life lessons and growth.

Let’s first start with you in the role of the rescuer. If you are reading this I bet you have become quite good at it. Although you don’t wear a badge that says, ‘Rescuer in Charge,’ you may be living the role. When you get to the point that you can no longer do everything or you start to resent the fact that you are constantly called upon to ‘fix’ something for someone it is time to accept responsibility for what you have created. The timing is easy to figure out both your head and heart will tell you. If you have offered a helping hand to someone once or twice and it has helped them, good for you! If, however, you look at a situation and find that a pattern has been established in which you are repeatedly called upon to jump in to fix something for them it says more about you as Rescuer in Charge than it does about them.

What exactly is this rescuer behavior pattern and how did you acquire it? Most likely it goes back to childhood. At some early age you realized that if you did something to help someone things would go smoother for them in the family dynamics. Sure enough it worked and you felt that you had figured out a way to avoid an upset if you jumped in to rescue. As long as you were ever ready to fix the latest problem things seemed to go better. Let’s fast forward 20, 30 or even 40 years. The pattern you have established from childhood is to rescue -to jump in and help anyone and everyone when a crisis surfaced. In fact, you may have become so good at it that you are literally called upon by many people when a crisis happens in their life. It makes you feel important, loved even, as you once again get things back to an even keel when you put on your Superman cape and dramatically swoop in to help. You think to yourself, ‘I can do this or that ….they need me.’ It’s a heady feeling to be needed.

An opportunity for your own self growth arises when you can no longer meet the ever expanding requests and are courageous enough to admit it. If you have established a pattern of being needed (also known as the rescuer) and do something about it pat yourself on the back. When you decide enough is enough be prepared. Folks may not remember how many times you were there for them but only this time when you did not jump in. Expect this response and you won’t be disappointed. Most likely they will resent you for saying ‘No, I can’t help this time.’ After all you have conditioned them to expect you to be there. Your help has become a life expectancy. It will take them a little while to regroup after your first or second refusal but trust me, they will regroup. In fact, they will become stronger, as we all do, when the have to figure out our own solutions in life. When we rise to the challenge we gain self confidence and a greater feeling of control in life.

The good part is that you have been able to help others in the past and have made the world a little better place. Now you recognize that a pattern of expectancy has developed and you love them enough to be strong and break the cycle. Be prepared, the thinking of those you have continuously helped goes like this….’If I act overwhelmed, angry or depressed or simply refuse to accept that he/she says they can’t do what I want them to do, they will give in and fix it.’ Trust me on this, you are being manipulated by them to their own detriment. They have figured out your pattern way before you have figured out theirs. They will be confused, at first, because their manipulation has ‘worked’ for them in the past. The truth is that it has slowly but surely caused them to feel that life just isn’t fair and and the ‘poor me’ syndrome in their life has set in. What you did out of love and concern has become an obligation – an expectancy – and everyone loses. You wouldn’t purposely hurt someone you love but without realizing it you are doing just that by allowing them to continually rely on you. You have moved from enabling them to disabling them by always running to the rescue.

This may come as a shock but the truth is that they will survive without you when they are forced to accept responsibility for their life choices and challenges. They will stop the blame game or ‘poor me’ attitude and will decide to readjust their thinking to be, ‘If it’s going to be it’s up to me.’ That is an empowering mind set. Regardless of their decision to handle their situation or not, one thing is for sure, if you have established a pattern of rescuing others only YOU can fix it.

Next Sunday I will follow up on this topic with a poem that talks about letting go with love. It is a powerful lesson for those of us who are fixers in life. Stay tuned!

Have a great few days!

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Take 5 You’re Worth It!

Are you fast forwarding just to get through another day? If the answer is yes, read on… Have you ever considered how many days, weeks, months or years you have been doing so and forgetting to take even 5 minutes a day to reflect on what you learned? If you’re thinking,’I don’t even have an extra minute let alone 5 to reflect,’ I hope you read this blog.

We have all heard the saying, “Stop and smell the roses,” yet in our often hectic lifestyles we seldom heed the advice until a major life change happens and we think to ourselves, ‘If only I had …’ We won’t fill in the blank with another task or accomplishment but most often with the thought, ‘if I had known or taken the time to realize.’ Taking just 5 minutes a day before going to sleep to think about what you learned about yourself or others that day gives you the chance to fill in the blank, not with regret but with gratitude. So, I ask once again, “What new ‘Aha’ did you discover today?”

The American mindset is often to do more, faster, better and you win. This non stop pressure has caused us to be not only innovators and achievers but we lead the world in most areas…except…wait for it…self reflection. We often get so lost in our constant activity that we fail to see that the real work of our life involves learning our unique life lessons and growing from them.

By taking 5 minutes to reflect on what you learned from the experiences of the day you begin to rebalance the scale of doing versus understanding – activity versus wisdom. You achieve a deeper understanding of yourself and inner peace from the practice of ‘Taking Five’ than ever by checking just one more thing off your daily ‘To Do’ list will ever yield.

We have a lot of responsibilities and expectations on our time. Often, we feel exhausted just getting through the day. I believe some of this exhaustion can be attributed to not only the pace we work at but the lack of self reflection. Visualize a mouse running on a wheel as it spins faster and faster. It’s hard to appreciate the journey when you’re simply getting through a cycle – in this case another day.

When we alter our perspective and take 5 minutes daily to reflect upon what we learned about ourselves or others we feel reaffirmed even more energized for tomorrow. We begin to see that each day is meaningful to our self growth. We achieve more than a paycheck we receive a ‘note’ in our personal life file that will be remembered and celebrated both in this world and the next. In essence, we become the wind beneath our own wings.

We can achieve a greater peace about life and ourselves when we internalize the idea that it is not simply the number of days we live but the understanding – the life – we put into them that makes all the difference. Think of this practice as a personal gift you give yourself everyday that brings a smile to your face just before going to sleep.

Let’s try for a couple of weeks to take 5 minutes at the end of each day and reflect with gratitude that you made it through and what you learned along the way. You will be surprised at the result!

Have a great few days!

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Pay it Forward and Thank Someone!

We have heard that we can count on one hand, and have fingers left over, the people in our lives that we know who we can really depend on to accept us unconditionally. That statement is probably true but look for the positive in it. You have someone that really cares enough to be there for you! Think about that for a moment. That’s big …really big!

Who is the person that truly listens to you and makes you feel good about yourself? When you think about this person often a smile spreads across your face and you feel confirmed as you remember a recent conversation with them that somehow just left you feeling better – more right with the world. You know that you can be open and frank with them not only because they expect that from you but more importantly because you know they accept you for who you are without judgment. When you find someone like this that encourages you to drop the mask that you wear to the outside world and simply be yourself, you exhale deeply with a feeling of gratitude that this human being is in your life.

This type of relationship does not develop quickly but is nurtured slowly over time – maybe even lifetimes – and is based on trust. Like a flower that starts with a seed and with proper nurturing and attention grows to be beautiful beyond belief so it is with trust. We all experience times when we are not at our best but with these folks in our lives we needn’t worry. They can hear both literally and intuitively our fear, concern or anguish and are always willing to lend an ear or hand as we talk with them about a recent experience that may have left us doubting our real potential. They help us see what is possible not merely problematic and help us remember that all facts – even an ugly truth- are safe to share with them.

The only time they call us on something is if we are attempting to deny what we truly feel. They care too much to allow us to bury our feelings deep within the nooks and crannies of our minds. Anytime we try to bury our feelings they just fester, deep inside, and will eventually erupt taking a toll on anyone in the path. These people who care so deeply about us do not allow us to short change ourselves through denial, anger or regret. They stick with us through the thick and thin of life for a reason and the reason is called unconditional love.

They come into our lives for a reason, a season and if we’re really lucky a lifetime. This Easter weekend may be the perfect time to take two minutes out of your busy schedule to reconnect and let them know how important they are to you. Everyone needs to hear from time to time that they are having an impact on someone. It feeds the fire of purpose in their souls.

Have a great few days!

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Achieve Greater Happiness in Your Life!

Dr. Martin Seligman, former president of the American Psychology Association and professor at the University of Pennsylvania authored over 20 books on the topic of positive psychology. His research on how to increase our happiness in life is well worth considering. Over the next few blogs I will get into the topic of happiness in greater depth but for now let’s start with a summation of his research to spark your interest.

Basically, he tells us that unhappy people look at problems as PERMANENT, PERVASIVE and PERSONAL – the 3 P’s – which result in feelings of learned helplessness. We know from other authors that when people feel hopeless and helpless they simply stop trying in life. Their fear takes over and causes them to accept ‘what is’ in life rather than looking at ‘what could be.’ Their lives are on permanent pause which draws more negative energy to them with each new day. Their feelings and belief that tomorrow will merely be a repeat of today overrides any thought about positive change.

Let’s apply what Seligman teaches us to change this scenario. Assume a negative experience is happening in your life. It is important to recognize that it is ONE experience and keep it in perspective. You just have to keep your head down and continue to push forward to get through it. We can’t allow our thinking to go from zero to 180 and believe that our entire life is now headed in a downward spiral because we are facing adversity at the moment. Unhappy people, do just that however. Their thinking on a negative experience is that it is PERMANENT. “My life will never change,” they think to themselves, and The Universe, ever ready to deliver what is foremost in their thoughts, presents even more challenges to them because they are in a perpetual state of negative thinking and simply waiting for the next shoe to drop. Their lives seem to be one crisis after another.

Dr. Seligman’s second point is again meant to help us keep perspective by realizing that the present challenge is ONE issue and not PERVASIVE throughout our entire life. The concern is real but it is the type of thought that we attach to it that sometimes gets us out of balance. The present challenge doesn’t mean that everything in our life is hopeless. Keep the issue in a mental compartment in your mind and deal with it accordingly. Don’t let in seep into and negatively affect everything else in your life. Unhappy people, on the other hand, look at the issue and think to themselves, “I can’t do anything right.” They believe that they are helpless, a constant victim of circumstance, and that there will be more to follow tomorrow.

Seligman’s third point is that unhappy people feel that the challenge at the moment is PERSONAL (it’s my fault) which may or may not be true on this particular issue. But unhappy people do not stop with the issue at hand and make a plan to do things differently in the future. They over generalize and think there is really something wrong with them. They then become immobilized by thinking that they are weak and unsuccessful in dealing with problems in life which deepens their feelings of insecurity and lack of self confidence.

To recap, to attain greater happiness in life we need to practice viewing the challenges that surface in our lives as temporary – you will get through them. Not personal – there is nothing inherently wrong with you and you do have the strength to overcome any issue. You will determine how this problem developed and IF it was your issue you will determine what you will do the next time to prevent the same kind of issue from happening. Finally,we need to remember that challenges are meant to teach us something. They are not meant to be viewed as pervasive throughout our entire life time. We are too smart to accept that type of thinking. Remember the Universal Energy first whispers, then speaks and ultimately shouts to get our attention. The next time a challenge surfaces in your life keep it in perspective and know you can get through it and learn from it. Greater happiness results by learning to avoid the 3 P’s in our thinking.

Have a great few days!

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Developing Wisdom and Serenity

This is the fourth and final blog ( the first three can be found in the March archives on my website) on the Serenity Prayer. A prayer that millions of people repeat daily to help them hang on, push forward and recognize either their own present behaviors that are limiting them in their lives or impeding their desire for change. The prayer itself, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference,” can be life changing when you take it apart and study the intent behind the words.

To date, we have looked at what it takes (and what limits us) to change the things we can change as well as what’s required to accept the things we cannot change. Both areas involve our inner discovery of the way we choose to look at our own fear factors, early conditioning and life experiences. The gold nugget obtained by truly thinking about what causes us to react the way we do is an important element that can allow us to move forward toward greater understanding and control in our lives.

Now, let’s look at the last part of the poem, “the wisdom to know the difference.” Many people believe that wisdom is only acquired by living decades on the planet. I disagree. In reality it is not simply the experiences but our ‘thinking about our thinking’ behind them that can cause us to become wise beyond our years.

For example, when something happens that was out of our control we live through it but do we then use the mental energy to dissect the experience and search for the lessons learned? Many people are just relieved that they have made it through the experience and try to put it behind them. However, the residual feelings of ‘what next’ or the shock and fear from the experience just lays in wait in the emotional baggage in our minds. Negative emotions buried result in a greater fear of tomorrow as we try to wrap ourselves in a protective cocoon of control.

Similarly, when we face something that needs to be changed and we know we should do something about it – but don’t – it erodes our self confidence and enthusiasm for life. Over time, this pattern results in thinking that life is simply what it is and any attempt to change a particular course is fruitless or at least not our responsibility. That type of thinking erodes our hope for a better tomorrow. It takes both courage to change things that need to be changed and grace to accept those
things that cannot be changed to fully live.

The last part of the prayer, “having the wisdom to know the difference,” is not as elusive a concept as we may think. We all experience intuition, that inner voice or gut feeling, that little nudge that let’s us know that a certain path or decision is the way to go for now. Sometimes when we are unsure we say to others, “Let me sleep on it.” It gives our minds time to process what our intuitive sense is trying to tell us. Waking to the light of a new day the answer seems as clear as a bell. This is your internal ‘wisdom worker’ activated during sleep when the daily distractions prevents it from being fully heard.

Greater wisdom and serenity can result from every life experiences we have IF we do our own mental work to discover what the purpose and reason of them were designed to teach us. The answer is usually found by asking ourselves, ‘What is the most difficult thing to accept about the experience?’ Our lives are not random pieces of material thrown together but a beautiful tapestry of life experiences, each piece sewn together with the thread of lessons learned that create who we are at our core. To create our own unique tapestry we need to keep our eyes focused, our ears attuned and our heart open to accept what is clearly presented to us with gratitude.

Wisdom and serenity then is an accumulation of both our experiences and thoughtful reflection of them. When we get into the daily habit of doing so it results in less fear and more confidence as we face tomorrow. We realize the truth in the statement, “All is meant to be,” and we receive the ultimate compliment when someone says, “How did you get to be so wise?”

Have a great few days!

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Accepting What You Cannot Change

In the last two blogs we looked more deeply at the Serenity Prayer, ” God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” We first examined the topic of having the courage to change the things we can change. We dug deep to find out if our fears, developed from our early life conditioning and other life experiences have served to limit our courage to change those things we can change. In this blog we will look at accepting those things we cannot change. As with everything in life, the topic of acceptance starts with examining our personal attitude, beliefs and behaviors.

Acceptance of ourselves is the key to a life well lived. Many of us have grown up watching T.V. programs that portray what a perfect personality, size, looks, career, home, family and life is all about. What we may have failed to realize is that there is no such thing. Those were a figment of someone’s imagination – a story that someone made up and sold along the way. When we accept the story line as truth (this is what you need to have or to do to be happy) then add to it the reality of our early conditioning, we may feel that our lives are lacking something or just isn’t that great. Every human being experiences tough times and times of personal doubt. It is a part of living on planet earth. Accepting that perfection in life, or even a life of smooth sailing is not only highly unlikely it simply doesn’t exist helps us gain perspective. The issue then is to decide what is in our overall best interest to accept without resentment or regret and realize that our life is a gift to be grateful for not a burden to be carried.

Through our own effort and with free will we have the power to build on our strengths and change nearly anything in life if we so choose. Likewise, we also have the right to recognizing that we don’t have to meet anyone’s arbitrary standard. Accepting that growth and acceptance is totally within our control we feel more empowered. We are living the life we chose with all of its’ challenges and rewards. Each of us as different as our fingerprints. Once we truly accept our authentic self it speaks volumes to others. We are happy in our own skin and the positive energy we emit attracts more of the same to us like a magnet.

To check yourself on your level of self acceptance ask yourself if it is harder to accept the good in yourself or are you too busy thinking about what you don’t like about yourself? The later view keeps you locked into remorse, anger or resentment which attracts more negative energy and experiences in your life. There may be things that we would like to improve upon but when we allow ourselves to become laser focused on them making them an all encompassing concern we lose sight of the joy in living.

Are we living the life we had planned? Or totally accomplishing those things that we want to do? Maybe or maybe not at this time. But you got up this morning right? You went about your daily tasks and made it through the day. You may have even found a little time help someone or to relax along the way. So the day might have been challenging but it was successful.

To experience more acceptance in our lives we can start by putting things in perspective with a thought from the Buddha, “All that we are is a result of what we have thought.” The good news is that if you read that statement closely it is in the past tense. In other words, today you lived the energy you thought about yesterday. Was it positive accepting energy? You can make tomorrow even better by accepting the lessons you learned today with humility and grace.

Knowing that the Universe doesn’t make mistakes and accepting who you really are, deep down inside, helps us to feel a greater sense of confidence and serenity in life. Acceptance then is about you – first and foremost. When you fully accept yourself you no longer find the need to focus on what you don’t have but are grateful for what you have been able to achieve. We are all doing the best we can and succeeding at it – one human being at a time.

Have a great few days!

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Fear or Serenity?

This is part two of looking at the Serenity Prayer to discover the lesson in it for each one of us. If you missed the Wednesday blog which was part one please go to the archives on the right hand side of my website so you can get the frame of the discussion. The Serenity Prayer, ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’ can change your life.

I had asked you to consider which approach is HARDER for you -accepting the things you cannot change or actually changing the things you can change in your life. Assuming you have decided which approach you have a tendency to avoid I would ask you now to ask yourself ‘Why’ five times. Seriously, with each answer ask yourself why this is true for you. Usually the fifth and final time you drill down in you thinking as to the ‘why’ the real ‘Aha’ happens.

If change is the hardest approach for you consider the following. Changing the things we can change involves both confidence and trust in ourselves. The thousands of messages we received and events we experienced as we were growing up made indelible marks on our lives. What are a few of the messages that you received that have ended up controlling your life? For instance, if you were raised in an atmosphere of fear with messages such as ‘Don’t do this or something bad could happen,’ the initial warning might have been for your physical safety. But when you constantly hear this message of fear over and over you begin to generalize it to your entire life. You may feel out of control when something new pops up that you didn’t expect. You might then find yourself getting angry, lashing out when something – anything upsets your apple cart. You might prefer to keep life as it is so you can ‘depend on it.’ Well – news flash – that’s not going to happen. The truth is that the more you try to control your life the more insecure you become since The Universe just has a way of throwing us curve balls.

Learning how to control our fears is more than a survival mechanism it is a cornerstone to developing serenity. Just think about all that you have worried about over the last two weeks and the time you devoted to imagining the worst thing that MIGHT happen. There is a saying that 99% of what we worry about never happens. I believe that to be true. If you let fear control your life the Universe will just continue to present you with lesson after lesson (each one getting more difficult along the way) until you begin to TRUST in yourself. Think about the things in your life that have been really, really tough – did you survive? Yes! Was is hard – absolutely! Did you learn from it? I’m willing to bet you did.

Fear is the most insidious of emotions. It robs you of the moments of joy in life and puts you in a constant state of nervous tension regarding what could go wrong next. It also causes you to refuse to change the things you could change in your life because it paralyzes you into inaction.

We all learned a certain degree of fear from our parents. My mother was consumed by fear. You name it and she was afraid. Growing up I had the choice to accept those unwarranted fears or think to myself, ‘What is the worst thing that could happen’ given a particular situation and followed this thought up with ‘Could I survive if it did happen?’ Practicing this mindset I slowly developed a confidence that allowed me to face – head on – the challenges in life knowing I would survive, I would make it and ultimately be stronger in the process. She was not wrong in pointing out things to be mindful of, but it was the degree to which she applied fear to her life that had the potential to negatively effect my ability to change the things I could change.

The good news is that we know more about the effects of fear now. We can change our mindset about change and decide to grab the next opportunity as it presents itself knowing we will survive. As we expand our comfort zone, our lives become richer, fuller and more enjoyable. We learn to seize the moment, control our fears of the new or unexpected and move forward in life. Inch by inch it’s a cinch!

The next blog will be looking at the issue of acceptance – accepting with grace and humility those things we truly cannot change in life and moving forward with peace.

Until then, have a great few days!

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Developing Serenity

We have all read the Serenity Prayer at some point in our lives. ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change. And the wisdom to know the difference.’ If you are like me it seems I have read this a million times and yet actually applying its deeper meaning seems to work better when issues are less critical or important in life. When the ‘big dogs’ of problems surface oftentimes, the real meaning of this prayer is lost and we find ourselves simply reacting as we have done in the past and feeling more and more frustrated with the results. We typically take the path we have chosen so often in our lives because it has become a conditioned response.

As with so many significant sayings in life we can mouth the words, even memorize them and yet never completely internalize them which will cause a change in our attitude, beliefs and behavior. I have chosen to use the Serenity Prayer over the next few blogs to delve more deeply into what it can do for us. The few words contained in the prayer have tremendous potential to help us arrive at a greater sense of confidence, peace and wisdom in our lives. It is worth taking the time to think about in greater depth over the next week. It can help us harness the power of these words and then apply them when we face the next truly big challenge in our lives.

The Serenity Prayer basically boils down to two issues: learning how to accept with grace and humility the things in life that cannot be changed or learning how to dig deep to surface the needed courage to change the things that are possible for us to change. Seems straight forward enough doesn’t it? Ah, but as with everything else in life simplicity is an art that only results after wrestling with the true complexity of the elements behind it. Determining which path to take is, of course, the ultimate challenge but it is not a mere choice arrived at easily but rather the result of understanding and examining the complex web of emotions and beliefs established from our early conditioning, cultural mores and personal life experiences.

To begin our more in depth look at the deeper meaning of the prayer I would ask you to consider the following questions.

Which approach is usually HARDER for you … accepting the things you truly cannot change (without anger or resentment) or finding the courage to actually change the things (with grace and tenacity) that you can change?

Your answer to the above question is important. As individuals we have a preference for one approach over the other. It doesn’t mean that we can’t use the other approach but it is not something we typically do or prefer to do especially when dealing with the ‘biggies’ in life.

Your answer is very important as we continue to dive deeper into the well of understanding about human emotions in our goal to develop greater wisdom and Serenity. In essence, in one response we are dealing with learning to trust more fully and with the other response learning how to better control our fears. Both are difficult but achievable behavioral changes. One answer is not better than the other it is simply different and will help us decide on the next pathway to follow. In the meantime after you decide which approach is harder for you the logical step is to ask yourself the question – why? Really think about why that particular approach is harder for you – just a hint – it is usually the result of early conditioning.

Stay tuned and we will follow up on the possible ‘why’ in the next blog.

Have a great few days!

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