Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘loss’

Be the Change

Tuesday was an important day for citizens in the U.S. We had the opportunity and responsibility to go to the polls and vote for the person we chose to represent us as president of our country for the next four years. We studied the issues and made an informed decision. Regardless of our choice of candidate, we knew that our voice is important. We were given this time in history and have earned the privilege to be counted.

Mahatma Gandi made a powerful statement when he said, ” Be the change you want to see in the world.” It has been a long political season that has divided some and united others. The devastating hurricane on the east coast has caused so many to experience the loss of family, friends and possessions. As they struggle to rebuild and cope with their tremendous losses our hearts go out to them. For many it will take the rest of their lifetime to recover. The Red Cross is receiving millions of dollars in donations to help these people exist as they live through the aftermath of the worst storm in their history. Once again, Americans have put aside their political differences to help those in need. We are a generous people who see hurt and loss and want to fix it.

As the votes are counted and the winner announced we will put our differences behind us and move forward, together, to be the change we envision. We are strong, resilient people who care about each other. On the outside we may resemble a nation of differences but underneath our hearts beat and veins bleed as one. We will survive and thrive by being the positive change for this world that Mahatma Gandi was referring to because we see a cause greater than ourselves. Time is on our side when we remember that everything happens for a purpose and all is as it should be. The Universe does not make mistakes but gives us the opportunity to learn our lessons in our own time frame through love and deeper understanding of the tremendous gifts we have been given. We are grateful to be living in a country that values our opinions and consistently supports those who are in greater need. It is all about love of self and others.

An unknown author referring to time wrote,

Time is
Too slow for those who wait
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice;
But for those who love
Time is eternity.

Have a great few days!

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Help Someone Heal

Thank you to those of you who emailed me directly to respond to my blog on Sunday. It is reassuring that I am helping people who have experienced loss and the challenging, confusing and life altering feelings that accompany the letting go of what was…

Over the last few days, three different people have talked to me about loss involving a senseless act of violence. Taking someone’s life cannot be fully understood by those of us remaining here on earth. We ask ourselves, why would someone do such a horrendous thing? Our minds cannot process it and work through it to arrive at an understanding. We may think the perpetrator of a violent act was not in their right mind, extremely troubled, or did not have a stable upbringing, the list goes on and on. Whatever rationalization we attempt falls short. It still does not seem fair that the flame of someone’s life has been snuffed out as quickly as the flame from a candle. Another useless killing. Another family left to try to function in the aftermath.

Over 6,600 deaths from all causes occur daily in the U.S. The rate for homicides has dropped from a high of 9.8 percent per 100,000 in 1991 to 4.8 percent per year in 2010. These numbers are important. They show a significant drop in homicides and should help us feel a little safer. However, it would be impossible to expect the families of victims of these violent crimes to be encouraged by the numbers since they will no longer have their loved ones in their lives. Grief hurts. The longer it envelopes your life, the deeper the wound becomes. When I talk with someone who has lost a loved one 20 years ago and they still cannot muster up a genuine smile, their eyes showing a depth of hurt that is impossible to describe, my heat goes out to them. They seem to have stopped living and are merely existing. It is, as if, their life has become a sentence that they are simply living out.

On my blog last Sunday, I mentioned a man who lost his wife in a vehicular accident caused by a drunk driver. He has received signs that his wife is giving him to assure him she is still around him with loving concern. Again the statistics are improving but the pain continues. Traffic fatalities have decreased in the past five years. In 2010, the latest recorded statistic, 32,885 people lost their lives in motor vehicle accidents. Fewer is better but once again, doesn’t offer peace to those families who are facing each day without their loved one.

What can we do to help the thousands of walking wounded that have lost their loved ones through any type of loss? You can make a difference. Making a concerted effort to listen to them as they repeat and repeat what happened as they process the reality of their loss is so important. You don’t have to offer any sage advice but simply listen with love. Give them the gift of a empathic listener. Showing them you care by taking the initiative to connect with them and offering the little things that may cause them to think about healing their grief may be the life line they need. I know through experience that reading about others who have survived a loss can give hope for tomorrow. Usually these people do not even know what they need to achieve closure. Do the research to find specific support groups, or grief counselors by name and number so that they do not have to search for these on their own but can simply call a number if they so choose. Books or articles may tell a story that just resonates with them and offers the encouragement they need to take the small, arduous steps needed for recovery. When the student is ready the teacher comes along. Tomorrow the same ideas you may have mentioned previously just might be internalized and accepted by them if they are ready. Don’t give up just continue to support them as they struggle to stand and face tomorrow.

Each of us can do something to help. Eventually, we may be able to see them return from the grip of loss and move on with their lives. It won’t be easy and it won’t be fast. Their mind and heart must crawl through the muck of hurt, anger and denial to get to a point of acceptance. Be patient and be there with love for a human being who is raw with the loneliness and pain of loss.

As my son said in my book, Just Behind the Door, ” Mom, all is as it should be.” It has taken me years to truly ‘get this’ and to decide to live the rest of my life knowing the Universe did not make a mistake with his passing. My lesson has been to keep the wonderful memories alive that I have of him and move on with my life in peace, love and a knowing that I am helping others.

There is a poem in my book that has helped me and I offer a part of it to you.

When I am gone, release me, let me go.
I have so many things to see and do,
You must not tie yourself to me with too many tears
But be thankful we had so many good years….
So grieve for me a while, if grieve you must
Then let the grief be comforted by trust…
I won’t be far away for life goes on.
And if you need me, call and I will come…
And if you listen with your heart, you will hear,
All my love around you soft and clear…

Please make a copy of this blog and pass it on to someone who might benefit from it. There are so many out there who need a hand extended to them in love.

Have a peaceful few days.

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A Flower Grew Overnight

Yesterday was ‘Octoberfest’ in Sun City Grand located in Surprise, Arizona and I had rented a table to display my book, Just Behind the Door. I knew it would be a long day but a good one since I would have the opportunity to connect heart to heart with people who had experienced a loss. The eyes of a person are the window to their soul and just looking at the eyes of those who came up to the table let me know where they were on the grief scale toward ultimate healing. Some, after 5 or 7 years were still stuck in the cycle of ‘why did this have to happen.’ Anger, denial and disbelief can be paralyzing emotions. They can freeze frame your life and cause you to become simply a shadow of the person you once were. One woman gently guided her friend over to my table and said, ” You need to talk with her.” What an act of unconditional love and concern for her friend, I thought to myself.

When we are finally able to heal and accept the loss that has happened in our lives and realize that the Universe doesn’t make mistakes, it opens up a deeper level of seeing and knowing. A level of peace envelopes us and we are able to continue on with our own life lessons.

A follow up from someone I talked with yesterday appeared on my email this morning. A gentleman had lost his wife in a traffic accident. They were simply walking, enjoying the experience when hit by a car. In an instant, it changed their lives forever. This spring he went out to water some rose bushes and he said in his email, “I looked down and saw in the hot, dry, barren soil next to the roses a most beautiful white (petunia or pansy) flower with a pink and purple “butterfly” design in the center. It was on a small plant about 3 inches high… We had never planted this type of flower in our garden before… Just the day before I had tended to this tiny garden patch and I never saw any plant like this there. In amazement I asked myself, ‘how did this plant get there …and overnight!”

He took a picture of the plant and forwarded it to friends, had it framed and was gracious enough to send the picture on to me with his email. He accepted the sign with gratitude and love which opened his level of consciousness to receive even more of these messages that are heaven sent. I have had similar experiences and know that birds, the wind, and other environmental factors carry seeds from one location to another. However, when a plant appears overnight (and in this desert environment) to me, it is a sign from our loved one that they are thinking about us and wanting us to live our lives to the fullest.

As we recognize these signs with gratitude we allow ourselves to become more in tune to seeing these messages from our loved ones as a reassurance that, all is as it should be. The psychic, John Holland was taking about messages Friday on a webcast. He emphasized, once again, that the more open and accepting of the belief that it is possible for our loved ones to give us signs from the other side the more you will receive.

We are, after all, simply energy and we know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only changed in form. The physical body may be gone but their soul energy remains. No wonder, then that our loved ones on the other side can send us these messages. They may be pennies, butterflies, flowers or many other things but they are meant for us. Enjoy your next ‘a ha’ when you see it – it is a gift from your loved one just for you.

Have a great few days!

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12 Minute Meditation That Works

Loss, stress, and aging take a toll on our mind and body. We all have moments when we can’t remember something. At first we may dismiss it and think that we have too much on our minds. However, when the frequency of memory lapse seems to be increasing, it is time to get serious and do something about it. Fortunately, there are leading neuroscientists discovering ways that can increase our memory function, attention span, information processing, problem solving and social decision making skills.

A proactive way to increase brain function is explained in the book, How GOD Changes Your Brain by Andrew Newberg, MD and Mark Waldman. It is called Kirtan Kriya meditation (KKM). A short synopsis of the technique is that it involves 3 things; breathing, sound and movement. The four sounds of sa, ta, na, ma, are chanted or sung out loud to whatever notes you want to give them. While you are singing each sound, touch your index fingers to your thumbs for ‘sa’, middle fingers to thumbs on ‘ta’, ring fingers to thumbs for ‘na’ and little fingers to thumbs for ‘ma.’ The authors recommend doing this daily for 12 minutes before getting out of bed in the morning.

As I started practicing this type of meditation I noticed that it quickly stops that monkey chatter in my mind. You can learn more about this through Newberg’s book, or googling Kirtan Kriya. There is even an 8 minute YouTube video demonstrating the technique.

In addition to all of the other benefits, meditation helps us become more in tune with the Universal Energy source and can further open our channels for hearing, seeing and feeling from our loved ones on the other side. In my book, Just Behind the Door, I have shared a decade of conversations I have had with my son, mother and sister who have passed on. During my book talks people have asked me how they can learn to communicate with their loved ones. I feel that the Kirtan Kriya meditation technique makes sense. I know it works. Give it a try- even for a week- and let me know what you experienced.

Have a great few days!

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Finding Your Own Truth

This focus of this blog is on loss and how to move on with life. In addition to death, divorce and separation there are many other types of losses. The loss of self-respect, personal security, and confidence in a better tomorrow are additional areas that can paralyze a person, now or in the future. A traumatic event such as rape can be buried in the psyche and resurface with a vengeance years later. In the meantime, the individual may live with insecurities and fears that don’t even seem reasonable to an outsider.

Statistics show that 90 percent of rapes are NEVER reported. Further, according to an article in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology well over 32,000 pregnancies are the result of rape each year. That’s a lot of walking wounded sisters out there – and we remain quiet.

This week when I heard Representative Todd Akin from Missouri say, (pregnancy from rape) ” is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.” I thought to myself, surely no one in 2012 could be that ill-informed. Unfortunately, not true. A senator, Chuck Winder from Boise, Idaho added insult to injury recently when he supported adding a mandatory ultrasound procedure prior to an abortion in a piece of proposed legislation. In doing so, he raised the question, ” whether or not women would understand whether they had been raped.” Sounds as ridiculous as the statement by representative Stephen Freind from Pennsylvania who, in 1988 said, ” the odds of a woman who is raped getting pregnant are, “one in millions and millions and millions.” Not accurate.

I understand that the topic of abortion is controversial. Every one should have the right to their own opinion, this is America. However, when misinformation or fear is used in an effort to further a political or religious opinion, it is time to stand up and be counted. I believe that the statement, “the truth shall set us free,” applies to each of us. Our job is to find our OWN truth and be willing to live and speak it.

Have a great few days!

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Loss Comes in Many Forms

Many times we think of loss in terms of death or divorce.  However, as we age we experience a loss of physical, mental and emotional capacity. We aren’t quite as fast as we used to be.  What happened?  Just last year I could do…(fill in the blank). What happened was simply life. These changes are difficult for us to accept and difficult for others as well.

As a Hospice volunteer, I see the full range of loss. Regardless of the type of loss, there are predictable human needs. Everyone wants to be appreciated and treated with respect. From time to time we all experience unease about the future. Most importantly, we all need unconditional love and support from our friends and family.

Our journeys – our challenges – are unique, but our human need for meaningful connection is the thread that holds our lives like a beautiful tapestry – together.

An excellent book on the topic of loss in reference to dementia is “I Will Never Forget” by Elaine Pereira. It is a daughter’s story about her mother’s arduous and humorous journey. Please read and/or recommend it to others. You will be helping others – one person at a time.

All is as it should be.  Have a great few days!

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Happiness from the Inside

Last night I was talking to a friend and said, “I am happy from the inside out.” Having lived through many life traumas, most recently the suicide of her husband, she said, “Wow, I never thought about happiness that way.” Those of you who have been following my blogs or who have read my book, Just Behind the Door, understand that I have also experienced many, many losses in my life. I do not talk from theory but from experience.

It may seem strange to talk about happiness on a website dealing with loss but it is something worth considering. Research has found that prosperity, health and physical attractiveness are only MINIMALLY related to one’s overall happiness. True, genetics does play a part in the happiness level of each person but ONLY a part. In fact, researchers have actually written a book on the topic of our “happiness set point.” Their work concludes that beyond circumstance and genetics, each of us has an additional 40% that we control in reference to our happiness index. Just think about that for a moment, 40% control – totally at our discretion – to determine how we will live our life. Amazing, isn’t it? We have the power to determine if we will be happy or sad, kind or offensive, giving or taking. The choice is always up to us.

The loss you may have had in our life will not be made easier by seeing your cup as half-empty for the rest of your life. Please think about how the loved one that you lost would want you to live the rest of your life; in sadness and remorse or ultimate happiness because of what you had the opportunity to experience.

We hear daily about the importance of having an optimistic attitude. Realizing that we CHOSE this life, with these lessons, takes away any possible issue of blame. It simply is what it is because we chose it. Accepting that allows us to forgive ourselves and others for the events of the past. We then can develop a sense of wonder – amazement even – for the people and opportunities in our future.

Make tomorrow a great day and remember, “All is as it should be.”

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Violence, Abuse, and Never Ending Grief

Messages from the other side sometimes can be misinterpreted by mere mortals. In my book, Just Behind the Door, my mom is quoted as saying to me, once I decided to leave my husband, “You had the courage to do what I should have done. It is time to move on. Don’t think of it as a failure but just remember the lessons learned.” I had ASSUMED that when she said ‘courage’ she meant that she was afraid she could not support us on her own and decided to stay with my dad for 64 tumultuous years. She and my one sisters experienced ongoing physical abuse from him. Strangely, my other sister and I never experienced this abuse. When I became a teenager, I gained the strength to stand between dad and mom when his temper escalated, in an effort to stop him hurting her. Once I had to push her into my bedroom and move the bureau up against the door to keep him away from her. He ended up putting his fist through the door. Although I was too young to have a driver’s license, I drove the car to my sister’s house and called the police. I had seen the frequent abuse of my mother but a deeper “aha” on the topic hit me like a lightening bolt when I was reading a 3 page spread on domestic violence recently. THIS IS WHAT MY MOM WAS REFERRING TO WHEN SHE MENTIONED THE WORD COURAGE TO ME. It wasn’t about supporting us, it was about his threats to her and her children. She was deeply afraid and intimidated by him.

Although I had never been hurt by my dad or a spouse, after reading the article I started thinking about the topic in greater depth. When I looked at the 15 point danger assessment scale, developed by Dr. Jacquelyn C. Cambell, what my mother said, became so much clearer to me. I know that my dad exhibited at least 8 of the 15 indicators of violence that could have resulted in my mom’s death: ever increasing amount of violence, choking her, guns in the house, alcohol abuse, threatening to kill himself, insane jealously, controlling her activities, violence toward my sister. The statement that nearly made my blood run cold from the article was a statement that is frequently made, I understand, by someone who kills their spouse, “If I can’t have you, no one can.” My dad made this EXACT statement to me about my mom when, in my early 40’s I was, yet again, intervening in their latest episode. Sometimes we might think, just don’t upset him or argue with him. According to this article even that type of behavior can be a trigger since the abuser then thinks he is losing control of his partner. He may see this as a form of rejection. The article said that a score of 10 or more is concerning and to seek help. However, it went on to mentioned another landmark study that said women who had a score of 4 or higher were at great risk and added that the average score for women who were murdered from physical abuse was “just under 8.”

I have 6 family members who have experienced domestic abuse. One of these women, a wonderful niece was killed in November,1984 by her second husband of 6 months. This seems like a huge number (1 being too many for me) in one family. However, researching the topic further, I discovered that 3-4 MILLION women are abused every year and 1500-1600 are KILLED by their abuser. Many of these women left children who will forever remember the sounds, sights and feelings of terror that they experienced. Their fear and grief may last forever.

If you know anyone who may be in an abusive relationship please go to the website: wwwdangerassessment.org. The 15 question checklist can help battered women assess the possible risk of being killed. Please pass this blog on to any and all who might benefit from it. It is up to each of us to change the world – one person at a time – through our love.

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Do You Have Faith in Tomorrow?

Watching bits and pieces of Queen Elizabeth II’s Diamond Jubilee celebration this weekend, I was moved to see the thousands of well-
wishers demonstrating such pride in their queen and country. The queen’s background is fascinating. When she was 14 and England was being bombed, she made a radio broadcast to the children of England stating, “In the end all will be well for God will care for us and give us victory and peace.” At 26 years of age she became Queen. She was no longer free to be a person in her own right but had to become all things to all people. She started weekly meetings with Winston Churchill and has continued the practice with every prime minister since that time. In addition to being the mother of four children she had a 24/7 job. As she witnessed divorces, separations, and deaths in her immediate family she just had to keep going. She adapted to the changes and losses in her life regardless of how difficult they may have been. She has the same human emotions that we all have as a mother, sister, daughter and wife and yet her 24/7 job, for the rest of her life, continues. There is no such thing as retirement for a queen – until death. In a televised address she called the celebration “a humbling experience.” Well done!

Luckily, we have not had to deal with the 24/7 expectancies in our lives that she has shouldered. We have had time to live our own lives, raise our families and even take time out for grief, when needed, without the mantel of expectancies hanging over our heads. I wondered to myself, how many of us can say that, like the queen, we have truly adapted – made changes for the positive – as our lives and our worlds have become more challenging. Do we look at our own lives optimistically, knowing that everything will work out as it is supposed to, or do we become bogged down in our lives wondering when ‘it’ will pass. The ‘it’ is called life. It won’t pass until we do, when our lessons are learned.

To remain optimistic requires that we believe in something bigger than ourselves. It has been said that, “One either has faith in God/Universal Energy or faith in our fears.” Whenever you begin to worry just think about that for a moment. Fear comes in so many forms and can paralyze us. When we lose someone it is natural to go through a period of mourning and fear. After all, life has suddenly changed –
oftentimes – without warning. As I discussed in my book, Just Behind the Door, the future can feel so uncertain after we experience a loss that we may need to seek the help of others to keep ourselves moving forward.

If we all work at fearing less and loving ourselves and others more the world will be a better place. It starts and ends with us. Take time to examine your own life. Don’t you find that 99% of what you worry about (fear) never happens. Yet many of us continue to waste the precious time we have on this earth worrying. We choose fear rather than belief. I don’t think it matters what name you give the power greater than yourself, it only matters that we realize that there is such a power and we are ALL a part of it. Like Queen Elizabeth II, let us give and receive love, have faith in our future and make the world a little better off when we leave it.

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Loss – Responsibility – Life Lessons

Healing yourself after a loss – whether it is a death, divorce, or other type of separation is difficult and can be life changing. I have described in my book, Just Behind the Door, the many losses in my life, so I know from experience that healing takes time. I have read that after a loss, the average person expects us to ‘move on with life’ after a few weeks. Really? I don’t know what planet they are from but I do know that moving on with grace and dignity takes much more time than a few weeks. Your love was real, your grief is real. You do not need to try to hide the fact that you have been deeply affected. Honor your feelings and be good to yourself in the meantime. Try to find others who will listen with a caring heart as you relive the life experiences involved in your loss. Everyone has a story to tell and it deserves to be heard. There are people out there that care enough about you to take the time to focus while you mend your broken heart, regardless of the time it takes.

I do believe that we experience losses for the lessons they can teach us. What have you learned from this journey so far? Has it changed anything about you or your perspective? This is an important question. I have found that life has a way of repeating itself when we don’t learn the first time a challenge is presented.

I heard a speaker recently who talked about how to achieve a greater sense of healing. She said we must examine our life path and accept the responsibility that nothing happens by accident. We were part of our initial life planning – including the loss that we experienced. She feels that people who get stuck in grief do so because of one of two possible reasons. Either they believe that God or some other power did this TO them or that they just seem to continually attract random acts of negatives and catastrophes in their lives. In other words, they feel helpless and, at times, even hopeless, because they refuse to accept any responsibility.

I know that trying to wrap our heads around any possible role involved in a death or any other type of life changing loss is incredibly difficult. You just want to say, “Are you kidding, you think I wanted this to happen!” Of course not, at least not on a conscious level. However, as hard as it is to think that we had some part in the planning of our loss, I do believe it to be true. Why? Because my son, on the other side, has told me so. There was something that I needed to learn from it.

Regardless of what happens, I do not feel that some entity out there does this TO us or that we just experienced dumb luck. No, I believe it is much deeper and more spiritual that those beliefs.

I would love to hear how you feel about this perspective.

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