Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘Universal energy’

Authentic Communication is a Gift

Sometimes we are so concerned about other people’s opinion of us that we carefully measure what we say, when we say it and even if we say something that is on our mind. Being aware of how we come across to others is a good thing. Like anything else in life it is a matter of timing and balance. When we are tired, not feeling well or overly stressed words sometimes tumble out and we wish we had a shovel to scoop them up quickly and pretend that they never happened. My British grandmother used to say, ‘The less said the sooner mended.’ She was a wise woman.

The truth is that good communication even among friends and family takes awareness and effort. It’s sort of like watering desert plants. Too much and the plants suffer or too little and they die. They are dependent on the natural order the give and take in their environment.

Similarly, there is a natural order to communication. Everyone takes a turn, we listen intently without interrupting and we ask clarifying questions to to be sure we understand their point. After all each of us from our past experiences have slightly different meanings for words spoken. Sometimes we may need to exhibit a bit more effort to remain mentally engaged but do so because we value not only the exchange but more importantly the person. We learn that a pause in the conversation is a good thing and doesn’t need to be quickly filled with a response. Pauses may just mean that the person is truly thinking about what was just said. As a result, our communication becomes deeper, richer and fuller.

How valued we feel when someone gives us undivided attention because they truly want to hear what we have to say. It is the ultimate compliment. Yet even with this compliment we are wise to remember that they also have a story to tell and may just be waiting for encouragement to do so. Another wise person once said, ‘You can learn amazing things when you truly listen.’ It’s true listening is at the heart of good communication. There is a reason why we have two ears and only one mouth.

It is, as if, everyone needs their place in the orchestra of life. Their instrument is their voice. Sometimes they need to be invited ‘up on stage’ by asking their opinion but that simple act shows them that they are valued. We all want to be noticed or applauded from time to time and authentic communication is a perfect way to do so.

When we take the time to listen and be heard we encourage, empathize and perform the ritual of living life to the fullest. We recognize that we are more alike than different and that the differences we do have are a good thing because they fit our individual life plan perfectly. Isn’t that just amazing?

Have a great few days!

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Do The Right Thing

Recently a full page article ran in our newspaper about an inventor, Essay Anne Vanderbilt, who created a putter in 2009 called the Oracle GX1 that was termed ‘revolutionary’ to the world of golf. She created a company named Yar Golf to market the putter. According to the reviews it has a ‘sweet spot’ that is almost two inches square as compared to the ‘pin size’ sweet spot of most putters. It was designed ‘to be more responsive to the golfer’s movement and less resistant to the body’s twist.’ According to the article, the design was brilliant and her passion to make sure the putter was properly fit to the buyer serious. Words used to describe her were ‘brilliant’ ‘stunning’ and ‘an amazing lady.’ That is the good news, incredible news really.

Now for the rest of the story. It seems that last spring an over zealous freelance reporter covering the story of this amazing putter was not satisfied to focus on the product alone. Even though Essay had requested the reporter focus on ‘the science, not the scientist,’ he continued to dig deeper into her credentials and background. When the story broke recently it seems there were no records to substantiate her scientific credentials nor career experience. Yet the amazing putter, the actual product and topic that was suppose to be the real story became a secondary issue.

On October 18, 2013 she was found dead…committed suicide…according to her friend who attributed the suicide “90% to the reporting of the story.” You see, Essay was born male but by age nine identified in all ways as female except physically. Fifty years later she decided to undergo surgery to change her physical body to match her mental and emotional orientation. She went through all the challenges … according to a post operative patient-care assistant that involved emotional, spiritual and personal work to allow herself the opportunity to live a more authentic life.

Did she ‘create’ a past involving her educational training, credentials and work experience? Maybe so. Was there a different way to go about things? Maybe so. Was there reason for the reporter to delve into her background when she had personally requested that he ‘focus on the science not the scientist’ ABSOLUTELY NOT.

The article went on to say that ‘journalists who don’t frequently write about issues of gender identity can find the subject particularly complex and nuanced.’ That sounds shallow at best and more likely a weak excuse for shabby reporting. I asked myself, where is the integrity? Where is the feeling, the obligation even, to stop and evaluate how the impact of this type of story could effect someone’s life? Where is the heart? Does it simply boil down to journalistic sensationalism?

Essay is finally at peace. Maybe her life was more about teaching all of us lessons …you know the one about ‘judge not less ye be judged’ than about golf. She is in a better place. The freelance reporter, however, will have to live with this for the rest of his life.

In the meantime, golfer’s choosing to improve their game may decide to purchase the Oracle GX1 and most likely will never know the life that was ultimately lost in the process. Maybe that is the way Essay would prefer it to happen.

Tolerance, acceptance and love are more than mere words written on a page, they are life lessons that we are all striving to learn. Katherine Anne Porter, an American author wrote, ‘Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it…’

Make it a great few days!

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Synchronicity – Alive on Planet Earth!

The topic of synchronicity (defined as meaningful coincidences) is fascinating to me. So often, it seems, I am thinking about a person and the phone rings and there they are on the other end of the line. I am no longer surprised by this phenomenon but other instances of synchronicity still take my breath away at times. It seems whenever I ask the Universe for verification of something – such as my purpose and if I am following my intended life mission the messages comes through loud and clear. An example might help to clarify.

I had just finished a great new book entitled, ‘Embracing Coincidence’ by Carol Lynn Pearson, literally the night before my hair appointment (to hide the grey which seems to be continuing at light speed to change the entire color of my hair). During my appointment I was introduced to a gentle soul sitting next to me. Sadness seemed to radiate from her eyes as she explained that she had recently lost her husband to pancreatic cancer. A man she had spent decades with and the love of her life. The owner of the shop mentioned to her that I had written a book on grief and the healing process. She wanted the title, Just Behind The Door, and I told her she could order it from AuthorHouse or Amazon. At this point she looked at me seriously and asked ‘ What is your name again?’ I told her and also wrote it down because I know that when people are dealing with grief sometimes their memories can freeze momentarily on the pause mode. She looked at me, repeated my name and said ever so gently, ‘I know you.’

As the story unfolded, it seemed her husband had been one of my mentors for 14 years in a school district that I had worked in near the Denver area! He was absolutely the most gentle, caring and talented soul in the world and it became obvious that they had shared so much in their life. She could even tell me things he mentioned about me while working together 38 years ago! I had met a link to my past in a totally different state and discovered they had also experienced the death of their oldest son. Needless to say, our conversations have just begun. We will continue sharing stories about Jack, loss and healing from grief in the future. He was an incredible human being that I was privileged to work with many years ago. We will be able to celebrate so many of the memories of a life well lived.

When you think about living in the 6th largest city in the U.S. and being at the exact time and place to reconnect and verify that your life work – both past and present has made a impact on a fellow traveller it both humbles and amazes me.

Synchronicity just seems to work that way. The more you recognize it and appreciate it the more often it happens. There really is substance and Universal truth to the phrase , ‘Ask and it shall be given.’

Try this out for yourself this week. Look for the messages and patterns in your life – being in just the right place at exactly the right time to reconnect with someone or receive an answer or verification to a thought you have been pondering. It becomes evident that life is not a series of random events but entail significant moments and messages to us that reflect a greater theme. A theme, in fact, that we have been instrumental in designing before birth. Makes you sit back and realize the masterful effect of Universal Energy and the part of that energy that we all possess.

Have a great few days!

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The Beauty of the Rose

We learn everyday in every way when we choose to be an avid participant of the Universe. When we take the time and apply our brains and hearts to observe events we see we begin to realize that life is not simply a series of random events that happen to us but are, in fact, all held together by a magnet of meaning, purpose and reason. Each person, place or thing that comes into our lives is serving a purpose. The question then is …what do we do with our experiences? Do we attempt to learn from them or pass through the experiences as quickly as possible in an attempt to accomplish the next thing on our ‘to do’ list? Is it possible to look at our constant need to rush as a modern tragedy of our lifestyles? If so, we can choose to do something about it. Even though we are moving faster and time seems to be speeding up, we can train ourselves to focus more intently on the various interactions we experience at the moment to gain a deeper understanding of what life is teaching us. In the process we achieve the divine grace … The lesson …intended in each experience.

It may seem a bit overwhelming to think about every person, place or thing that comes into our lives as a learning opportunity. It is rather like being in a 24/7 classroom where the instructor is continually giving us new learning. Yet, we can look at this concept with gratitude or choose to see it as simply information overload. It is an opportunity to grow or to stagnate. The choice is always up to us.

We may decide to look at all these experiences like Don Quixote did in the musical ‘Man of La Mancha.’ He chose to see the rough and degraded Aldonza for her inner beauty and, in fact, renamed her Dulcinea. When he chose to see her inner beauty it caused a transformation to happen. People – including ourselves – really do live up to expectations. It’s helpful to remember to bless the beauty of the rose and forgive the thorns.

Our spiritual growth is enhanced when we decide to see the opportunities presented to us as another stepping stone in our deeper awareness of ourselves and this life experience. You are going to live through them anyway – why not grab hold of the moment and learn from it?

Have a great few days!

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Communicating for Deeper Understanding

Kaitlin Toner and Mark Leary found in a new study that the more extreme a person’s views the more they experience what is called ‘belief superiority.’ Sounds about right doesn’t it? Unfortunately, the study goes on to say that people with this belief system experience disdain for anyone who doesn’t share their views. Now that seems to be a potential issue that could serve to isolate the person and begin slowly, but surely, to cause their lives to close in on them. Their circle of friends and acquaintances getting smaller and smaller. Is this really the best way to live our lives?

The challenge seems to be to realize we have a right to our own opinions and beliefs but not to judge others if they do not share them. Maybe, just maybe, if we opened ourselves up to truly listening to others and trying to understand their point of view we may broaden our own horizons, consider nuances in perception and generally have a life that expands with age rather than closes in on us. When we communicate with others we take their words and associate different meanings to the words depending on our own life experiences. When you take the time to ask someone what they meant by a particular comment and they more fully explain, it is usually not at all what you had initially interpreted it to be. Could it be that saying to others, ‘Help me understand what you mean by that point’ or asking them to give you an example so you could more fully understand what was meant could be the winning combo to better understanding and a deeper respect for their point of view?

Do you have any beliefs or opinions that seem to separate you from other people? Is it possible to modify them slightly and find more in common with them? We all walk in our unique shoes, with life challenges to overcome and life lessons to learn. Knowing this it just seems logical to withhold judgment and accept the fact that we are all doing as much as we can at the moment to get through life in one piece.

Difference in others can be a growth opportunity for us if we choose to see it that way. I have never met a person who is 100% right or 100% wrong. Maybe a part of life is about learning to accept the shades of grey in others. The ability to compromise or at least more fully understand their point of view is a big thing. We can become better at it every day once we realize that life is exactly as it is supposed to be …warts and all … and we can choose to live it to the fullest or not. It is all up to us … that is the beauty of free will.

A quote by Jon Kabat-Zinn seems to speak to this whole topic.”To let go means to give up coercing, resisting, or struggling in exchange for something more powerful and wholesome which comes out of allowing things to be as they are without getting caught up in your attraction to or rejection of them, in the intrinsic stickiness of wanting, of liking and disliking.”

Have a great few days!

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Survivor Guilt

Survivor Guilt also known as survivor syndrome was first identified in the 1960’s. It was the topic of a CNN special aired this week and dealt with an important aspect related to loss, grief and healing. The program delved into the topic by reviewing aviation. In the history of air flight only 14 people have survived major airplane crashes that resulted in a sole survivor. Many live with the question of ‘Why was I spared’ which seems to be a burden they carry for the rest of their lives. During the interviews some of these survivors made the comment, ‘I’m supposed to be grateful I survived but…’

In researching this topic It appears that this type of guilt is more common that we might first imagine. We know that many of our brave servicemen who return from war suffer from PTSD which often includes this type of guilt. But in addition, this type of guilt may even surface when a person experiences the death of a loved one and can be a major challenge to overcome.

The symptoms related to survivor guilt can included anxiety, social withdrawal, depression, physical complaint and loss of drive. Basically, the reason, purpose and relevance of life is called into question by the survivors. Without help they can become stuck in a space of anger, denial and feelings of hopelessness.

Recognizing this in ourselves or others is paramount for healing. Regardless of the type of situation involved in the loss we are suffering, we did not cause the loss and, in fact, could not have prevented it. The Universe is much more powerful than we are and destiny plays a major role in our lives. Each one of us has chosen the lessons and lives that would result in helping us learn our lessons. The loss of a loved one and our survival was the result of a life agreement long, long ago. Unfortunately, being human we sometimes believe that we should have been powerful enough, smart enough or wise enough to prevent the loss from happening. That’s just not how the Universe works.The American Politician William Jennings Bryan said, ‘Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved (and understood).

When we reach out to others to help them process their grief it can make their grief a bit easier to handle. Any one of us may say just the right thing at just the right moment to help someone begin to overcome survivors’ grief. It is always worth the try and even if we do not see immediate improvement it is again, worth continuing our effort to reach out to a fellow traveler who is suffering.

Being there for someone and encouraging them to talk about their loss experience
helps immensely. Everyone needs someone to listen to them from time to time and experiencing a loss intensifies this need. It is always better to surface the feelings regardless of their nature than to keep them bottled up inside. Think of it as helping a potential volcano release some of the pressure before a full fledged eruption. A person’s loss may, at times, be like lava seething, bubbling just below the surface creating the type of pressure that can cause them to explode unless the occasional stem vents ( in the form of conversation and connection) surface to help release the pressure little by little.

We are here to learn our individual lessons and make the world a little better place by being in it. Helping others through their loss allows us to become a conduit for healing.

Have a great few days!

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Having Confidence in Yourself and Others

Learning our individual soul lessons in this lifetime is not easy. Any one of them could be compared to the class you had in school that you had to really work at passing and then even at completion of the class didn’t feel confident in the content area. Upon receiving the final passing grade you may have even chosen to take the class again or learn more about the topic on your own until you could exhale and say to yourself, ‘Now, I finally get it.’ As we live out our life lessons a similar thing occurs. At first we wonder why things seem to keep popping up as roadblocks, detours or simply additional challenges. Eventually we realize that those very issues that continue to surface in our lives are the exact things we need to push against, work around or get over to allow us to fully learn a particular lesson.

When we recognize the lesson as presented to us we have the choice to internalize it and move on with deeper understanding allowing us to be of greater service to ourselves and others or not. When we accept that the issue of blame or feeling that we were wronged was simply a way for us to challenge ourselves to be stronger, more confident and to accept the realization that there are no mistakes in our choices but simply different avenues to learn our lessons we are making progress. The ultimate lesson, of course, being, ‘All Is As It Should Be.’

We have been given the gift of free will in life. There are no right or wrong choices just different pathways to the same destination that we chose long ago. Once we learn a lesson we move forward with greater confidence and joy.

Is it possible that one lesson for us could be to be strong enough to allow others to learn their own lessons? Sometimes we are so busy trying to help others that we miss the point that maybe, just maybe, by continuously picking up the pieces for them we may be impeding their own growth. When do we know that it is the right time to back off and let others handle their own unique lessons? Actually, it’s easier than we think. We all recognize the feeling in our hearts through our intuitive sense when we are going overboard with others. A tell tale sign is when the same thing happens over and over and we begin to resent our involvement. This feeling can serve as a wake up call to us to let go and let them face their own lessons and learn from them. Are we strong enough to risk the possible momentary ill feelings when we finally get up enough courage to say, ‘I can’t do this for you.’

Our life lessons involve learning to love more fully – ourselves as well as others. Do we love ourselves enough to say ‘enough’ – do we love others enough to say ‘I can’t learn this lesson for you.’ Growth in life lessons is a beautiful thing. Let’s do what we can to learn our own and let others learn their own as well.

Have a great few days!

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Pat Yourself on the Back!

It is time to say goodbye to 2013 and look forward to the new year. I can’t tell you why but I just feel like 2014 will be a better year. This is a perfect time to take a moment to reflect on our successes and our near misses.

What are the three things that you are most proud of that happened in your life this year – the things for which you are most grateful? Add to those thoughts the one thing you will choose to handle differently in the future. What did you learn from each of them? It is often said that we learn more from our challenges than our successes. That may be true, however, everything we do has an inherent lesson in it. I believe that we have a greater chance for personal growth when we recognize and build on the lessons we learned from the successes we experienced. It helps to reassure us that we are capable of personal change. Thus, the three positives and one growth opportunity ratio makes sense to me. When you think about it, if each of us improved in just one area during the upcoming year the world would be an even better place. I believe in a focused approach to improvement. Choosing one thing to improve upon for the new year is doable. Less is more – it allows us to grow with confidence and ease. This type of year end review may seem counterintuitive but I believe it offers a stronger approach to self improvement.

When we take the time to reflect back on the year it is not for the purpose of beating ourselves up with thoughts of ‘I should have…’ but rather with thoughts of ‘the next time I intend to …’ The former statement basically causes us to find fault with ourselves but the later encourages us to turn the kaleidoscope ever so slightly and see the beauty in the fact that we survived the challenges as they were presented and learned from them. It also forces us to take the time to pat ourselves on the back for the lessons learned. A habit few of us practice on a regular basis. The year 2013 had significant challenges for many of us and yet we are able to say to ourselves that we made it through in one piece – we survived – and are as a result both stronger and wiser.

Before you go to bed tonight think about the three things for which you are most grateful and the one growth area you are willing to commit to in 2014. Remind yourself to revisit them on a weekly basis throughout the year. The repetition of thought/intention is important since the Universe delivers to us what is foremost in our thinking. Next year at this time you will be amazed at your feelings of even greater strength and self confidence.

As a post script I wanted to add that I am grateful this year to the thousands of readers of my blogs and the feedback I have received along the way. In my small way I believe I am offering ‘food for thought’ specifically on the topics of loss, grief, and lessons learned. The greatest lesson of all, of course, is that ‘All is as it should be,’ which allows us to face the challenges presented in our lives with a greater sense of confidence and assurance.

Happy New Year!

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The Gift of Teenagers

It’s 3 days before Christmas and the malls and streets are packed. Yet, for the most part, people are actually being quite civil. Makes a person feel that the world is improving one person at a time. Call me an eternal optimist but I think this year civility will last longer than December 25th.

Civility – politeness and courtesy in behavior and speech and basically showing concern for others makes a positive difference in the world. It is not innate but a learned (taught) behavior. Even as adults we can work at demonstrating a little more politeness in our exchanges. But when I see it in action in teenagers especially, I think to myself ‘Some mom or dad applied their parenting skills to the ultimate. They took the time necessary as their children were growing up to be sure they learned the importance of manners and respecting the rights of others. Basically, they taught their children to make the world a little better place.

I have had the chance to watch two 17 year olds over the last few months – up close and personal – and I just sit up a little straighter and smile a bit more broadly when ‘older folks’ comment to me about what great teenagers they are…l respond with a polite thank you and add, ‘Yes, their Mom did a great job.’

It is so easy to make assumptions about teenagers in general. Yes, they have interests different than our own. They listen to music we may not relate to at a decibel level that may cause us to wonder if they will end up with permanent hearing damage but…beyond all that… they are just trying to grow and become loving human beings. They are like the stages of a butterfly, they grow from a caterpillar, shedding their skin, through the chrysalis stage in which they are pushing at the confines of their environment to the ultimate beautiful butterfly stage where they begin to think of migrating and starting their new adult life. Each stage offers challenges and opportunities for lessons of love along their life journey. These life stages are so challenging for them. Yet, patience, love and understanding go a long way to help them on their path.

The next time you get a chance to observe our younger generation watch them and remember they are struggling to make sense of their ever changing world. Many hold the door for others…step aside for a family and somehow remember to say thank you even when they are viewed with questions. Like everything in life, what we look for and the assumptions we bring to the table we usually find!

I have seen civility in action with this younger generation and I am so grateful for them.

Have a wonderful Christmas!

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The Lessons of Nature

Most everyone has seen a Saguaro cactus either up close and personal or in pictures of the deserts of western North America. I see them daily and marvel at their uniqueness. Each one offers a distinct silhouette against the backdrop of an otherwise barren landscape. These amazing plants can tolerate temperatures over 100 degrees in summer yet can perish from long periods of below freezing weather. Their root systems are shallow so they can be toppled from what one would think would be a good thing in the desert – rain. It seems that too much of a good thing – heavy monsoons that happen occasionally in late summer – can topple even some of these huge plants that weigh over eight tons. Their growth is slow but steady taking 75 years to grow their first arm.

The thing that strikes me is how these cactus serve as a metaphor for human existence. Each of such is unique – we are truly one of a kind with our own strengths and differences. We all have our prickly side that can, at times, keep others away. Maybe it is self protection or maybe it’s simply fear but we can be quite good at it. Each of us has a distinct look, behavior and growing experience. We too can tolerate extremes but for us it is in behavior. At times we are able to withstand the slings and arrows of life and continue on growing and developing. Yet, just like the freezing temperature renders the cactus lifeless, we too, at times, can be rendered helpless or hopeless from life experiences. We have learned that it is true…there is such a thing as having too much of a good thing.

The major difference, in seems, is that when a cactus has fallen it is simply and completely done. There is no opportunity to raise it to its once majestic form. For humans, on the other hand, we can find a person, place or situation that can help to renew our broken spirit. We may be down for the count but we are not out. We can once again not only survive but thrive from the care and concern from another. When others offer their hand to us in our time of greatest need everyone benefits. The safety net of another’s heart allows us to stand upright and move on with grace.

Nature offers so many examples of the commonalities and differences that exist in our world. We are dependently independent on the uniqueness of each other. When we accept that each of us plays a definite and unique role in making the world a little better place we reflect the lessons of nature. We survive not in spite of but because of each other. How fortunate we are to be alive and living on planet earth and aware that, All Is As It Should Be.

Have a great few days!

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