Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘All is as it should be’

The Lessons of Nature

Most everyone has seen a Saguaro cactus either up close and personal or in pictures of the deserts of western North America. I see them daily and marvel at their uniqueness. Each one offers a distinct silhouette against the backdrop of an otherwise barren landscape. These amazing plants can tolerate temperatures over 100 degrees in summer yet can perish from long periods of below freezing weather. Their root systems are shallow so they can be toppled from what one would think would be a good thing in the desert – rain. It seems that too much of a good thing – heavy monsoons that happen occasionally in late summer – can topple even some of these huge plants that weigh over eight tons. Their growth is slow but steady taking 75 years to grow their first arm.

The thing that strikes me is how these cactus serve as a metaphor for human existence. Each of such is unique – we are truly one of a kind with our own strengths and differences. We all have our prickly side that can, at times, keep others away. Maybe it is self protection or maybe it’s simply fear but we can be quite good at it. Each of us has a distinct look, behavior and growing experience. We too can tolerate extremes but for us it is in behavior. At times we are able to withstand the slings and arrows of life and continue on growing and developing. Yet, just like the freezing temperature renders the cactus lifeless, we too, at times, can be rendered helpless or hopeless from life experiences. We have learned that it is true…there is such a thing as having too much of a good thing.

The major difference, in seems, is that when a cactus has fallen it is simply and completely done. There is no opportunity to raise it to its once majestic form. For humans, on the other hand, we can find a person, place or situation that can help to renew our broken spirit. We may be down for the count but we are not out. We can once again not only survive but thrive from the care and concern from another. When others offer their hand to us in our time of greatest need everyone benefits. The safety net of another’s heart allows us to stand upright and move on with grace.

Nature offers so many examples of the commonalities and differences that exist in our world. We are dependently independent on the uniqueness of each other. When we accept that each of us plays a definite and unique role in making the world a little better place we reflect the lessons of nature. We survive not in spite of but because of each other. How fortunate we are to be alive and living on planet earth and aware that, All Is As It Should Be.

Have a great few days!

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A Poem For Your Heart Health

I received an email recently from a wonderful person who had read my book and suggested that I write a blog that included this poem from it. She said she wanted to copy it and place it in a place where she would remember to read it daily as a soothing balm for the deep seated hurt in her heart. The Christmas holidays can be an especially difficult time for those of us who have experienced the loss of a loved one. Her suggestion made me feel that both the book and blogs are helping others, in a small way, work through this heart wrenching journey. I told myself that if even one person was comforted by the book I would be grateful. So to all of you who have felt a measure of comfort from my writings, thank you. The following can be found on page 125 of my book.

“You can shed tears that she is gone or you can smile because she lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she will be back, or you can open
your eyes and see all that she left you.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her or it can be full of
the loved that you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live in the yesterdays
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember only that she is gone
or you can cherish the memories that let her live on in your heart.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
or you can do what she would want you to do…smile, open your eyes,
love and remember the great times you had with her and go on.

You can grieve that she is gone or you can learn how to hear her because…
She is just ” Behind the Door.”

To my own family who, once again, has recently experienced the loss of a loved one who seems to have left us much too soon please remember what Ronnie told me in the book, “All is as it should be.”

Thanks again to all of you who take the time to read, remember and work so hard to move forward with grace.

Have a great few days!

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A Different Place

Emily Perl Kingsley a prolific writer for Sesame Street as well as author of over 20 children’s books is both an accomplished professional of her trade – winning 12 Emmys for her creative work – but more importantly a loving mother of a Down’s syndrome child. A special child that The Universe entrusted to her. She wrote this piece to help us understand how to accept differences. To me, it is a moving example of dealing with loss of our own expectations, acceptance of life changes and the strength to carry on. Her writing is a metaphor for life in general – accepting what we cannot change and having the tenacity to look for the silver lining in everything that is presented to us. Regardless of the life altering experiences we have the lessons are the same…

Welcome to Holland

“I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this …

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland!?” You say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m suppose to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. You’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills…and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that hurt will never, ever, ever, ever, go away…because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But…if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things …about Holland.”

Have a great few days!

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Healing Grief

Recently we saw media coverage of yet another death from gun violence. This time a TSA worker who was simply doing his job. His life snuffed out in a split second leaving yet another family to grieve for their loved one. We experience 32 deaths daily in the U.S. from gun violence. A shocking but accurate statistic. These losses leave hundreds possibly thousands of walking wounded family and friends attempting to cope with these losses. Some are experiencing this type of grief for the first time in their lives. They wonder if they will ever be the same again.

Grief doesn’t leave very much room for new people or new experiences in our lives. We are simply exhausted just getting through the day with the burden and sorrow of our loss. We replay the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ in our minds non stop in an effort to arrive at an understanding and eventual acceptance that our world will never be the same. Our loved one is gone…

We are frightened about becoming attached to others – the unpredictability of life just seems too overwhelming to allow any new connections to happen. After all, we think to ourselves, I don’t understand and couldn’t control this loss and it hurts too much to risk loss again. We may choose to remain isolated and aloof from others mistakenly thinking that there is safety in isolation. After all, we think to ourselves, others won’t judge us and wonder when we will be ourselves again. Yet, we don’t even know how to be the selves we once were before the loss. However, hiding our feelings drives the hurt deeper.

People wonder how long it will take to get over the feeling of devastation that hits you within seconds of waking in the morning. The time varies just as our experiences vary. The depth of our loss is directly related to the depth of our love.

One thing that’s important to remember is that rather than being concerned when you will ‘get over it’ the greater concern is any decisions that you make when you are still grieving. You will live with the results of these decisions forever. It is better to do nothing than risk a decision that could haunt you for the rest of your life. Take as long as you need to rearrange things in your life – after all, it is your life now and it is badly in need of repair.

Neil Abramson said in his book “Unsaid,” that ‘grief is so powerful because it has ‘one fierce allay and that is regret. Before you know it you’ve become that bitter shadow that people who used to love you cross the street to avoid.’

Powerful words to consider. When you choose isolation you do not heal but you bury the loss deep in your psyche and it will resurface when you least expect it – often in the form of fear and anger.

Better to find a friend or family member who will listen as you repeat the story about your loved one. You may need to repeat it hundreds of times but each time you will, in essence, be applying a small amount of salve on the wound in your heart. Slowly, very slowly it will heal. It will always leave a noticeable mark but not a chasm of fear and longing when you have taken the time to experience your grief fully.

Grief takes time but you are so worth it.

Have a great few days!

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How Full Is Your Cup?

Wouldn’t be interesting if we measured our success not only by what we accomplished but also by how much we smiled, laughed and really enjoyed life along the way? May sound like an impossible dream but just what if we tried it for a day. What if we began a habit of mentally reviewing each day before going to sleep to take note of the number of smiles and laughs we had that day. It would only take a couple of minutes but could do a world of good.

I think working hard and making a difference in life is critical to a life well lived. However, simultaneously enjoying the journey along the way is equally important. Life is not about simply arriving at our destination but bringing both our head and heart to the journey along the way.

It has been said that we only have two things that we have to do in life- pay taxes and die. When we realize that the rest of our lives are made up of the millions and millions of choices we make along the way, it puts the responsibility and control directly on our shoulders where it belongs. Our life then is made up of ‘choosing ‘ not simply ‘having’ to do something. When we view our life in the context of choosing – which is a form of positive energy – rather than a ‘have to’ type of thinking which is negative or restrictive motivation we feel and generate greater happiness. As a result we attract more positives along the way. Remember the saying ‘like attracts like?’ It truly does. What are you attracting into your life today ? When we choose to be happy and grateful we discover that each day brings even more of that same energy to us.

Basically, it boils down to the fact that we have a choice in life. We can see our cup as half full or half empty. The actual contents remains the same. The challenge is to turn the kaleidoscope of our thinking ever so slightly and look – actually seek – the many positives that exist in our daily experiences.

The choice for our journey in life can be viewed as the mode of transportation – by wagon wheel – feeling and complaining about each bump along the way – or we can choose to lighten our load and use in our minds’s eye a vehicle that will offer both comfort and enjoyment for our ride. I choose the later and work everyday to stay in a more positive mind set.

Given our free will, as we learn our life lessons we can make the journey as difficult or as enjoyable as we choose. It is all up to us. No one to blame, no excuses for our experiences, just the reality that we chose this lifetime and we also have the power to enjoy the ride along the way.

Is it time to have a conversation with yourself and choose to focus on happiness?

Have a great few days!

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Are You Too Independent?

Did you know there is something called dysfunctional independence? It almost sounds like a conflict in terms doesn’t it? Yet anything taken to an extreme can become a dysfunction. Many of us go through life with our shoulders bent with the burdens of others. We perseverate on all the details of making everything work out for them. After all, no one will do it as well as we and furthermore we don’t want to appear weak – as if we can’t do it right? So we go through life doing more, working harder and harder and even losing sleep wondering how we are going to keep all the balls in the air. We may even find ourselves missing the joy in life because, after all – we think to ourselves – there is no one else to rely on so we must continue to worry about all the tomorrows in our life as well as the lives of others. If we have lived life with frequent disappoint or people not carrying their weight of the load it is easy to fall into the trap of dysfunctional independence. If we find ourself in this mindset from time to time we need to stop and realize that pure ego is at work here. We may have become so used to doing everything ourselves that to ask for help may be the most difficult thing in the world to do – beyond humbling – maybe even a tad embarrassing. After all, we think, ‘I should be able to fix this situation myself.’ Therein lies the lesson doesn’t it?

This is where the Universe steps in and says, ‘well you have not learned the lesson of grace or humility so it is time for an even tougher circumstance to be presented to you so you can finally learn it.’ Presto … the next circumstance seems to literally take our breath away and if we are lucky we might finally call ‘uncle’ and ask for help. This is what is meant by the saying that first God whispers, then speaks and may even have to shout to finally get our attention. The challenges and problems come in so fast and in so many different forms – but at the root have the same thing in common .. the lesson WE need to learn. Once we humble ourself enough to ask for help in dealing with the situation it seems to all get sorter out. We learn a higher level of trust and partnership by becoming interdependent. Who knows, we may be able to return the favor at some time in the future.

We come to the major ‘Aha’ in our lives. It is NOT up to us to do it all. There are others who are willing to lend a hand if treated with appreciation and respect. Only one thing changed in this new scenario – our attitude and belief that we are not ‘Captain of the World’ and we admitted needing help like everyone else. A huge weight seems to be lifted off our shoulders and we take a deeper breath finally exhaling a little of the stress that we have been carrying. We begin to think about the hundreds of other times when we needed help but were, sad to say, to proud to ask for it. Pride like many things can be positive or negative it depends on the the way and extent it is used.

If dysfunctional independence is limiting us, holding us back from all that we could be the question we need to wrestle with is – are we strong enough to admit that we need help? Do we really believe we can be too independent? I think it is not only possible but maybe even probable. The good news is that once we understand that it is a DYSfunction we can choose to do something about it.

Have a great few days!

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Helping Others Through Change and Loss

The depth of a cut is directly related to the length of time it takes to heal – and so it is with loss in our lives. Loss comes in so many varieties. The loss of a child, a loved one, a beloved pet, a job, security, our health and even changes in our living arrangements are just a few examples of life changing experiences that involve loss – the letting go of the familiar and moving into unseen territory. Most often we don’t ask for this change and are dumbstruck when it appears in our life. We question ourselves, ‘What could I have done differently to prevent this from happening?’ The truth is…nothing…’All is as it should be’ as difficult as that sounds, I know it to be truth.

For many loss is debilitating. They want to know the what, how, and whys regarding the loss. By seeking more information they hope to discover a hidden nugget that will help them reach a deeper understanding and feel somewhat more in control. There are times, however, that trying to unearth more facts just delays the healing process. When folks are unable to move through the stages of grief or change and mentally demand that things be what they once were we need to be there for them.

It may take a lifetime to wrestle with and finally resolve the changes that have happened to you in your life. You may think to yourself, ‘Life is not fair.’ I get it, I have been there with the loss of my son. I can tell you that given enough time and a desire to heal, heal you will – one small step at a time. Your loved one would want you to heal by remembering the good times and the love that you shared.

The losses in our life are meant to teach us something. The challenge is to discover what the lesson is for you and only you can figure it out. What is the absolute most difficult thing you are dealing with in your mind regarding the loss or change? Discovering our lessons and then actually learning them takes a lifetime. There is no short cut in the journey. We do need to remember to be kind to ourselves along the way.

The importance of finding someone you can talk to cannot be overstated. Think of it this way, if you were bleeding profusely you would need someone to help you stop the flow. Well, in dealing with the tragic loss of a loved one, for instance, you are bleeding profusely – it’s just on the inside – and not as easy to stop the flow. You may need help along the way. Be brave enough to seek help and remember, when the student is ready the teacher comes along.

Talking to a good friend, family member or mental health professional is a positive way to start digging yourself out of the emotional abyss that can result from a loss. Verbalizing your feelings, getting the anger and denial out is like putting a soothing ointment on a cut. It will still take time to heal but the process will be less painful along the way.

If you know of someone who has experienced a loss or change recently and are having difficulty working through it please be there for them. Often they will not ask but will receive your emotional support as if it were a lifeline thrown out to them in choppy waters. They will be forever grateful. We can all make it through this life if we just hold on to each other and know that when life seems the darkest there is always someone who will come into our life to help light the way to our tomorrows.

Be that light, that friend, that loved one who steps up and says, ‘I’m here for you – for now and for always.’ You’ll be glad you did!

Have a great few days!

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Helping to Heal

In my book entitled, ‘Just Behind the Door’ I write about communicating for the past decade with my son who passed on in 1999. From the other side he has deepened my understanding about many things in life. My goal in writing it was to share the information from him and help others who are dealing with loss, grief and healing. It seems to give people hope – that’s all I could ever ask for – and what I have received.

The first thing he has emphasized is about life lessons. We are all here on our own unique paths to learn the lessons we have chosen to learn. Dealing with the loss of a loved one, especially a child, is no doubt the toughest lesson. I don’t think a parent ever gets over such a loss but merely through it given enough time. There is no magic wand to wave to heal a broken heart. I found that reading the stories by other parents who had lost a child gave me a sense of hope. They seemed to live to tell the tale and their willingness to share their gut wrenching stories helped me to know that I would survive as well. Sometimes you do question. I also learned that the many mind games we play with ourselves about the loss is natural, normal and, in fact, even predictable.

The second thing my son has spoken about is energy. The Universal Energy is in everything and everyone. We can feel the difference in the different types of energy when we are around people who seem to just energize us and give us hope as well as those that seem to deplete us of energy. When a person is dealing with the loss of a loved one sometimes the best thing we can do is simply be there to listen. They are able to tap into our energy and strength and make it through another hour, day or even week. That’s a priceless gift to receive. When I hear people say they know they should go visit someone who has recently lost a loved one but haven’t done so because they don’t know what to say, I suggest that simply being with them does not require words – maybe just a hug and a cup of coffee while you listen to what happened and exactly how it happened. Allowing someone to talk about their loss helps them heal. One hour at a time and it is, indeed, a long journey.

The third idea my son continues to emphasize is that, ‘All is as it should be.’ That is a bitter pill to swallow when you have experienced a loss but true none the less. The Universe doesn’t make mistakes. We can relax in knowing that there truly was nothing we could do to avoid the inevitable loss. The plan was set in motion long before we set foot on earth.

Since we have free will, what we do with these ideas is up to us. I know they are truth since I have lived them. We can gain a sense of peace about our lives when we think deeply about our life purpose and the lessons we are learning.

If you would like to read more about my communication with my son or know of someone who has experienced a loss and seems to be stuck in grief, please consider giving them my book (available through AuthorHouse or Amazon) and let me know what happens. I know you will be surprised to hear their response after reading it. If you are hesitant to offer a book of this type to someone that’s okay. I know from the book talks I give and emails I receive that those who will benefit from reading it somehow find a way to do so.

Have a great few days!

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Learning from the Australians

Recently I had the opportunity to visit my son in Australia. Going to a different continent, albeit one that speaks a form of English. can at first rattle your cage after 30 hours in planes and airports and crossing 15 different time zones. When arriving you realize everything is so much different than you may have expected. But, as the phrase states, ‘when in Rome do as the Romans’ and as a visitor you quickly realize that patience and understanding is not only valued but expected – it is the Australian way. The major differences in choices and accessibility … food, entertainment, shopping, transportation, and just basic living as well as the overall cost associated with each activity reminded me of how much we take for granted as Americans. We have it VERY good. We have more choices, options, and opportunities than we realize. Maybe it takes an opportunity to get out of our comfort zone to truly get it.

The Australian people are gentle, kind and accepting. Their highly efficient, immaculate and safe transit systems have signs that say, ‘please give your seat to someone who may need it more than you. If students are riding another sign directs them to give up their seat to an adult. Amazingly, these students – frequently teenagers – all do so willingly and with a gentle smile on their face. In the grocery stores people pushing their trolleys (grocery baskets) have just a few items – enough for a day or two in them. Food is costly and it appears never wasted. Also, you don’t see papers or trash on the sidewalks or streets. There are signs that instruct people to report anyone if they are littering. Consequently, people do not litter. The Aussies seem to take life in stride in a peaceful, unhurried manner. When driving people do not cut you off, honk their horns or merge quickly. They drive as they live. At work if they do not get everything accomplished they had planned, well, there is always tomorrow. Their mantra, ‘no hassle, no worry, no problem is truly their way of life. They just don’t seem to get rattled over anything. As Americans we have LITTLE patience with interruptions, delays or inconveniences. We know what we like or want and are usually able to get it. In Australia stores close at 5:00 P.M on weekdays and every Sunday. In America we are a 24/7 culture. We move fast, talk fast and usually expect – even demand that complete accessibility is available.

Our nonstop work ethic demonstrated the greatest difference between the cultures. As Americans we seem to be in a permanent state of rush, rush, rush just going faster and faster to get more things done. The good news is that as a culture we do get a tremendous amount accomplished. We are the innovators that seem to be in a seamless morphing state of constant improvement in everything we do. We work hard and can take great pride in what we contribute to the world. There is a reason why we are a world leader.

But, could it be that in our rush to accomplish more and become better and better that we have forgotten to give ourselves permission to really live and enjoy the special moments of our lives? I ask this with great humility. I lived the 24/7 lifestyle for years, now I wonder if it really was all that necessary or if I could have modified it slightly and taken a little time to smell the roses.

I remember a time …. long ago when as Americans we did enjoy a little more relaxed lifestyle – true it was years ago but I still remember. Family time was valued, holidays celebrated together, actual cards were sent in the mail telling someone how loved and important they were in our lives. Service personnel were treated by customers with appreciation and respect. Drivers were courteous. Living just felt safer and life a little more in balance.

I believe every experience we have can teach us something. My take away from this visit was to make a greater effort to take a few minutes and genuinely thank people for being in my world. To reconnect with friends and tell them how important they are to me. As Americans we are very generous when a major catastrophe happens – it is part of our DNA. We can take great pride in this and tap this part of our DNA by extending these thoughts of caring to a daily basis by remembering to be a little more gentle, patient and understanding with others and ourselves. As people of the world we have the power to change it one person at a time as we extend a hand to our fellow travelers.

Have a great few days!

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Accepting Unplanned Changes

Timing – how many times have we created detail plans for events in our lives and had them change …instantly it seems… and we are left wondering, ‘ what the …. just happened?” As we struggle and worry about how to pick up the pieces of our broken plans the energy we initially put into emotionally demanding that things be different seem to outweigh our ability to move forward. Naturally, we are more comfortable with predictably and control and do not like things to upset our world right?

As we struggle with the feelings of the change that happened which was out of our control, at just the perfect moment it seems, a new pathway is presented to us and we move forward realizing that we are better off with the new plan than our original one in retrospect. What lesson is the Universe trying to teach us?

Does it mean that we should not make plans? I don’t think so – at least for someone who has a tendency to mentally design plans A, B, C – sometimes through to Z. But what I have truly come to appreciate is that something, somewhere, somehow seems to guide us in a way that is ultimately better for us. The challenge then is to accept and allow the inevitable changes to happen with trust and a deep belief, a knowing, that everything will be okay.

Allowing is the ultimate gift of confidence and peace you can give yourself. It can be visualized as a box, wrapped in the most beautiful paper – in all colors of the rainbow that unwrapped, presents a touchstone of warm light. As you pick up the stone a sense of peace touches your soul and you smile to yourself and think, “Ah, this is how that feels.’ The term, allow, truly embodies the spiritual belief that, “All is as it should be.” Physically it can be compared to exhaling rather than inhaling – relaxing your tense muscles rather than holding them tighter and tighter in an effort to control EVERYTHING. An activity that is not only arrogant but impossible.

Visiting Australia, I have found that everyone – and I do mean EVERYONE uses the terms, ‘no worry, no problem, no hassle’ when responding to an inquiry. At first, I was a bit taken aback. It can rattle the cage of a visiting American. After a few days the environment begins to envelope you and you find yourself thinking, for the most part, the same….something happened….no problem, no worry. In other words, it will all work out. “All is as it should be.”

Every culture, every single, solitary human being has something to teach us. When we humble ourselves enough to observe and learn from them it enables us to adjust the kaleidoscope of our own lives, ever so slightly, to see colors more vibrantly and truth more deeply.

Have a great few days!

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