Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘negative energy’

Make a List of What You Do Want!

In my last blog I was talking about making positive changes in your life and asked you to make a list of what you DON’T want in your life any longer. As I said then, this may sound a bit counterintuitive but it’s not. As a fellow traveler on this earth it is important to realize you have both a right and an obligation to determine what makes you happy and it starts by deciding what you no longer want in your life. Think of it as a gift to yourself. Yes, we have chosen specific lessons in our lives but a lesson can be learned from various trials and tribulations or from a place of higher development of self and a deeper appreciation of how to manifest the things you want in your life. When Albert Einstein used to reconnect with people he would say, “What have you learned since we last met? “That’s a powerful thought! We can choose to learn continuously through many different ways if we keep ourselves open to it. Life has not given you more or less lessons than others but simply the ones you have chosen. Choosing a more positive way to view them just makes sense. After all, we are not here to learn to control or fight the circumstances presented to us but to learn how to positively respond by seeing the issues presented as the opportunity and the lessons learned and move on with dignity and gratitude.

Having completed your list of Don’t Wants, today is the day to start your list of Do Wants. That’s right you get to choose! No one can determine what you want or what you are entitled to but you, so today let’s start your second list. Let’s pretend that this is a Christmas like no other and you can receive exactly what you most desire. What are those things that would make you happy and bring greater peace and joy to your life? Make the list and add as many as you choose. After each one ask yourself the real key question – the WHY you want a particular item on your list. Actually, the best approach is to ask the why five different times. Each answer will give you a deeper understanding of your motivation behind the want and surface greater emotion. It is important to go full tilt on each ‘why.’ It will get you to the ‘Aha’ of the real reason and will help you get in touch with how you will feel when the want or affirmation is attained. You want the deep, gut level feeling of why each Want is truly important to you. The more you ask yourself why the clearer you are being in sending the message out to the Universe.

The deep feeling that you are going for as you reread each statement is the energy that you are putting out to the Universe. Think of it this way, the list is simply like a car but the feelings you bring forth is actually the gas that gets it all going and keeps it humming smoothly. Goal setting (another name for attaining affirmations) works when and only when you take the time to experience how you will FEEL differently when those goals are attained. It’s rather like pretending you have already achieved your desires and are basking in the reality of them all.

The Universe is simply waiting for your direction. If you are struggling with something in your life and feeling less than stellar about it you are giving out huge amounts of negative energy by what you say, think and react to everyday. You may not be aware of it but worry and stress are huge amounts of negative energy that you are generating. As the dutiful servant the Universe will deliver back to you exactly what you are giving out by matching the energy it is receiving.

Over the next few days take the time to make your list of ‘Do Wants’ and take a moment to live in the moment of how much better you will feel, how positively your life will change when those statements on your list are realized. We all remember the statement that if you want something bad enough you must work at it. That’s true, but this is not hard back breaking work it is simply using both your mind and heart to feel the difference that will transpire when your greatest wants are realized in your life.

Trust me on this…this stuff works and all you have to bring to the table to achieve it is positive intentions. Now that’s not too much to ask right? Work on your list over the next few days and give all the positive emotions to the task that you can and just wait to see the results. The law of Attraction is never inconsistent. It will give back to you more of what you are giving out. Once you get into this positive mindset you will be absolutely amazed to realize that you are in the driver’s seat and life is not simply happening to you but that you, in fact, creating it through your thoughts. Be ready for the ride of your lifetime!

Have a great few days!

What Are Your True Feelings?

When is the last time that a memory took your breath away? Let’s take a trip down Memory Lane. Can you remember five people, places or things that when you think about them brings a smile to your face from the inside out? This is not a trick question but intended for you to reconnect with the feelings you had at those moments, the positive energy you had that simply made you stop and exhale at the wonder of it all. The importance of remembering cannot be overlooked. It shows you that there were times in your life when your positive FEELINGS brought more positives into your life. You have done it before and can do it again.

Those things that elicit positive – take your breath away feelings – means that you were connecting with your life’s purpose on this journey. There is a huge difference between simple thoughts and deep feelings. The latter moves you toward accomplishment and connections. When you experience the feelings of gratitude, love, delight, joy or merely that warm fuzzy experience that causes you to know that at that moment something special, unforgettable is happening it reinforces the thought that our life lessons can be learned from a position of joy and gratitude not struggle. We may have been taught that life is intended to be, in fact, a struggle. Maybe not. It is possible to learn what we came here to learn through a more positive feeling type of approach.

We may have read somewhere to simply focus (think) about something we want in our lives and through the magic of affirmations it will come to us. Yet, there is something much more powerful and important that merely thinking about it. The secret is in the FEELINGS that you get when you visualize what you desire. FEELINGS cause the energy which works like a magnet in the Universe to bring you what you desire. The affirmation may be the ‘car’ but the FEELINGS are the motor!

Remember the saying, ‘garbage in – garbage out?’ That is another way of saying that what you think about most often with feeling is what you are attracting back to you from the Universe. Negative energy begets more of the same just as positive energy attracts more of its own. It sounds simple but it is really quite complex.

How often are you unwittingly focusing on what you don’t have, or the lack of something in your life? Again, the FEELINGS behind your thoughts act like a magnet to the Universe. If you are constantly thinking about what you don’t have or can’t achieve the cycle of lack in your life will continue with a vengeance. Do you really have time to play the ‘poor me’ card? Sadly, I think more people than we think spend their mental and emotional energy feeling ‘lack.’ You can recognize them by their walk, talk and attitude. Without words their life view speaks volumes.

Let’s reverse the ends of the magnet and turn to the positive rather than the negative end and see what happens. But first, we must take the time to think about – honestly evaluate – how often we are in a mindset set of ‘life’s not fair’ or ‘if only I had’ or even worse ‘it will never happen to me.’ You might want to ask a friend, whom you can trust to be brutally honest, for input. Do they hear you as a ‘glass half full’ type? Oftentimes, we are too close to the forest to see the trees so we need someone that we can trust to help us. The proof, however, is in the result. If you feel your life is lacking – money, friends, relationships, accomplishments it’s time to do a gut check and be honest about your FEELINGS. Once you accept that your negative feelings may be holding you back, you are ready to begin a journey toward greater joy and happiness. Ultimately, you will experience so many more moments that take your breathe away that you will become eternally grateful for the opportunity to learn your own life lessons through happiness not struggle.

In my next blog I will talk about the specific steps to take to change your thinking but in the meantime take the time and first step to honestly assess your internal dialogue.

Have a great few days!

Unload Your Backpacks!

Our resistance to the values and behaviors of others that our different from our own causes tremendous weight in the backpacks we carry through life. The more resistance we exhibit the greater the weight until we are totally exhausted. Life becomes a burden rather than an experience to cherish. Sound strange? Well, let’s think about it.

From our background and life experiences each of us has created our own set of expectancies of how the world ‘should’ work and how others ‘should’ respond. When an event happens that doesn’t fit our framework we often become uncomfortable or even angry. Like a young child who learned how to get their own way we may become upset and mentally demand that things go according to ‘our’ plan. The problem with this type of thinking is that every human being has their own set of expectancies, their own plan which frequently does not match up to our own. You may be thinking, ‘but I know the right approach, the right answer and others are not listening to me.’ Of course you think you do and that is exactly why they may not be listening. The biggest reason they begin to shut you out is that they simply disagree with you and they have that right. The sad part about it is that eventually they choose not to be around you and ultimately that hurts.

The question then becomes what do we do with the event or negative energy that we feel when things do not go according to our plan and people slowly begin to avoid us? There seems to be two choices. We can either look at the situation and realize that everyone has their own take on life and respect it by letting the discomfort roll off our backs or we can perseverate on it and take the energy into our bodies where it will find a stockpile of similar negative, resistant energies that are stuck inside us. If we choose the latter it is like adding weight to our backpacks. Over time the weight becomes heavier. Rather than stones or rocks we are now carrying boulders in our backpacks. As the weight increases our minds and hearts become weighted down simply from living. In an attempt to regain control we then add more weight to our backpacks by adding more of the ‘they should’ type of thinking to our mindset until our world becomes terribly small. Others don’t want to be around us and start to avoid our energy. Why? It is just too exhausting to be around.

Just think, this whole process started because we determined that much of life may not be the way we like it and insisted that things and people change to fit into ‘our’ way of thinking. Soon, due to our self imposed resistance to the values others hold dear, we actually move to a more even more dramatic level where we expect to become disappointed or uncomfortable with others. As always, the Universe gives back to us exactly what we give out and gradually we become less rather than more. Our world is closing in on us. Unless we choose to be perpetually unhappy, does it makes sense to continue to expect, demand even, that others to do what makes us happy? Again, only children act this way until they mature and realize that it is not about others making them happy but about the unique gifts each individual brings to the table to make it more bountiful.

If we seem to be experiencing more stress and discomfort in our lives, maybe it’s time to do a reality check. What are we doing to cause the situation? The amazing thing is that we have the power to change it! We don’t need to remain stuck with our world closing in on us until we are isolated and alone. All it takes is the willpower to make small changes which bit by bit grow into a larger, more expansive comfort zone. This zone welcomes different thinking and views of the world. It is nonjudgmental and recognizes the unconditional love within each of us that is just waiting to be invited in rather than shut out. We can choose to open up to learn from others and relish in the rewards of the positive energy that will then surround us. It’s always up to us – that’s the beauty of free will.

Have a great few days!

Choosing Happiness!

This is the second blog on the topic of how small changes in our thinking can make huge impacts in our lives. In goal setting we know that there are two different types of motivation – constructive and restrictive. The understanding of the difference between the two are significant and can be life changing.

The definition of constructive motivation is deciding to CHOOSE to see the opportunity in a situation. Even with events in our lives that challenge us using constructive motivation we decide to handle them in a more positive manner. Think of the saying, when life gives you lemons, make lemon aid. This is a perfect example of constructive motivation. It allows us to bring a more energized mindset to any chore or event. Life is not easy or for the faint of heart. Why make it harder on ourselves? Constructive motivation colors our world with vibrancy and is energizing not only to us but to those around us.

Restrictive motivation, on the other hand, is easily identified because the person usually starts by saying, ‘I HAVE TO …’ or ‘so and so is MAKING or EXPECTING me to …’ What they are saying is that what they need to do or are expected to do is not really of their choosing and consequently they psychologically resent it and see it as a demand. When you think about it the only two things we have to do in life is die and pay taxes. We don’t have to work at a particular job, live in a particular environment or maintain certain friends because we can change those things if we are unhappy with them. If our job is too stressful we can start looking for a different one that better suits us. If our bills are too high and causing us stress we can change our spending habits. People who use restrictive motivation often enjoy the attention received by playing the role of victim by being the person who is constantly overwhelmed by the demands of others. Their attitude speaks volumes. Slowly but surely they have fewer and fewer friends because their negative energy zaps others. Over time, people choose not to be around them. It just takes too much out of us to hear their latest version of what is not working in their lives. It can be exhaustive just thinking about them.

If we want to feel more in charge of our lives we can do so by consciously thinking in terms or ‘want or choose to do something’ rather than ‘have to’ do something. It takes practice but over time the results are worth it. Reading this you may think the difference of thinking in terms of ‘choosing’ rather than ‘having’ to is merely semantics but it is so much more. The difference is truly immense because in reality it is all about energy – positive or negative. Just think about how you feel when someone tells you to do something compared to when someone asks you to do something. You may still do the task but when asked you feel you have a choice and do it more willingly. When being told to do something you may still do it, of course, but you bring to the table a subtle but natural resentment to the task just as we did when we were kids and our parents told us to do this or that – remember how you felt? Not so good right? Then why would we do the same thing constantly to ourselves?

Our tomorrows stretch out ahead of us just as a blank canvas to an artist. What colors, attitude and motivation we choose to bring to the experience determines whether we bring our total self to the experience with gratitude for the opportunity to live another day and make a difference or not.

The amazing and wonderful thing about life is that we have the exclusive choice to use constructive motivation to cause us to feel deeper and accomplish more by recognizing the gift of being here on this planet to learn our lessons. It is totally in our power to choose our mindset and with it the life we choose to live.That is an awesome opportunity!

Have a great few days!

Happiness is an Inside Job!

If you are unhappy in your life what are you choosing to do about it? The operative word, of course, is “choosing.” Our level of happiness cannot be determined by others or we are in for a long, bumpy ride. As Albert Elllis said no one has the power to cause us to feel happy or unhappy unless we give them the right to do so. We can choose to be happier, more productive in life by internalizing a few simple ideas.

The first and most important belief is that we deserve happiness. Yes, even with all of our supposed imperfections we are still entitled to happiness. It is our personal inalienable right and a goal that we work toward achieving throughout our lives.

Our level of happiness can be affected by others. Which people seem to have the greatest influence on your thinking? Look into their lives – are they truly happy? If so great! If not, the sad truth is that nothing you can ever do will change it. They must decide to make the effort to change their thinking and their life. In the meantime, you can become manic trying to help them, attend to their latest life crisis, even attempt to buy their happiness but to no avail. If they lash out in frustration or attempt to bully us into solving their latest life trauma it says more about their own level of frustration and unhappiness than ours. Only they can choose to change their life.

For our own well being, however, it is important to decided the amount of time we are willing to allow ourselves to be surrounded by negative energy. We tell our children that they need to choose their friends carefully but how many of us as adults do the same? You might be thinking … but many of the people who exhibit unhappiness are in my own extended family? Even with family, the same rules apply. You will receive from them only what you are willing to accept. As a family member you might want to jump in and ‘fix’ something for them. Be careful. It is their territory not yours. Assuming what they need and not waiting to be asked for help can result in resentment. The internal message they receive is that you think they are not capable of handling it on their own. That is a demeaning message. Remember, ‘helping’ is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone views the issue or challenge through their own eyes. It requires a delicate balance of knowing when to assist and when to back off that results in greater happiness for all concerned.

Sometimes we need to limit the time we spend with others (including family) when their energy is just too negative to be around. I am convinced that there are a few people on this earth who simply choose to see life as a fight – deciding who are enemies and who are friends. Sadly, these folks believe that anyone who doesn’t see things the same way as they do are just dead wrong. Luckily, I have encountered only a few of these folks in my life but I do know that they can suck the enthusiasm for life right out of you if you let them.

When we draw a line of what is and isn’t acceptable behavior when dealing with others we give ourselves the right to choose happiness. Regardless of how negative or out of control someone may be the bottom line is that they will only give us as much as we are willing to take. Martyrdom should have ended in the dark ages. Respect is earned not only by what we do but how much we are willing to tolerate.

When you give yourself the gift of happiness you are accepting the fact that you are a human being, a child of the Universe who is worthy of consideration, acceptance and respect. The real test then is to muster up the courage with family or friends to refuse to be taken for granted, demeaned or devalued. Of course, equally important is how you communicate this message. Anger simply negates the message. A spoonful of sugar always makes the medicine go down better.

You were created with everything you need to be happy. Once you begin expecting happiness as the natural order of things it is amazing how quickly the Universe responds. Like a magnet positive energy and self confidence draws more of the same from others.

Have a great few days!

Are You Absorbing Negative Energy?

When trying to keep informed of world events or even family happenings it is easy to become weighed down with concern or negative emotions. We must remind ourselves of the saying that cynics do not make a contribution to life, skeptics do not create things and doubters do not make changes that benefit themselves or others. Some people just seem to choose to focus on the negatives in a situation and it can wear us out. When we remind ourselves that we alone have the power to control the type of energy we allow to affect us it rights our mental ship and keeps us on a more even keel.

When we truly listen and observe others a pattern of behavior emerges in everyone and every situation. As we train ourselves to clearly analyze the patterns it causes us to seek more information, process more of the back story and keeps our brain synapses working. The more we listen and search for the meaning of a situation we realize there is always more to it than we have initially assumed. It’s hard to remember that people say and do things for a particular reason. Sometimes it is merely to inform but often it may be to control a situation or manipulate us into thinking a certain way. Think of communication as being in a range that is as simple as a game of Checkers or as complex as a game of Chess. This deeper awareness of not only what is said but what is truly meant by it may not change our attitude or feelings about the person or topic but it can at least help us feel that we are more cognizant of the intentions and not simply pawns in the game of life.

Charles Glassman said in his book, “Brain Drain – The Breakthrough That Will Change Your Life,” “Believing in negative thoughts is the single greatest obstruction to success.” When we feel negative energy around us it is our choice to become absorbed by it or choose to physically or mentally escape with grace. The discomfort we feel when surrounded with negatives is a signal – like a flashing yellow light – that tells us to slow down and think, process more fully and then decide with a deeper sense of our own truth before allowing ourselves to become absorbed in it. The choice is always up to us. The challenge – yet good news – is that no one can do it for us. We are capable of accepting or rejecting any negative that comes our way.

When we take in information from our environment it effects our mindset one way or the other. We have no one to blame if we allow ourselves to become ill affected by the negative energy of others. We have the gift of free will and the power to decide what we are willing to accept – what works best for us. We get back from this world exactly the type of energy we put out into it – no more or no less.

The next time we are confronted with a negative issue maybe we can take a moment and look for the underlying motivation, reason or purpose and then decide how to respond – from a more deliberate perspective.

Have a great few days!

Helping to Heal

In my book entitled, ‘Just Behind the Door’ I write about communicating for the past decade with my son who passed on in 1999. From the other side he has deepened my understanding about many things in life. My goal in writing it was to share the information from him and help others who are dealing with loss, grief and healing. It seems to give people hope – that’s all I could ever ask for – and what I have received.

The first thing he has emphasized is about life lessons. We are all here on our own unique paths to learn the lessons we have chosen to learn. Dealing with the loss of a loved one, especially a child, is no doubt the toughest lesson. I don’t think a parent ever gets over such a loss but merely through it given enough time. There is no magic wand to wave to heal a broken heart. I found that reading the stories by other parents who had lost a child gave me a sense of hope. They seemed to live to tell the tale and their willingness to share their gut wrenching stories helped me to know that I would survive as well. Sometimes you do question. I also learned that the many mind games we play with ourselves about the loss is natural, normal and, in fact, even predictable.

The second thing my son has spoken about is energy. The Universal Energy is in everything and everyone. We can feel the difference in the different types of energy when we are around people who seem to just energize us and give us hope as well as those that seem to deplete us of energy. When a person is dealing with the loss of a loved one sometimes the best thing we can do is simply be there to listen. They are able to tap into our energy and strength and make it through another hour, day or even week. That’s a priceless gift to receive. When I hear people say they know they should go visit someone who has recently lost a loved one but haven’t done so because they don’t know what to say, I suggest that simply being with them does not require words – maybe just a hug and a cup of coffee while you listen to what happened and exactly how it happened. Allowing someone to talk about their loss helps them heal. One hour at a time and it is, indeed, a long journey.

The third idea my son continues to emphasize is that, ‘All is as it should be.’ That is a bitter pill to swallow when you have experienced a loss but true none the less. The Universe doesn’t make mistakes. We can relax in knowing that there truly was nothing we could do to avoid the inevitable loss. The plan was set in motion long before we set foot on earth.

Since we have free will, what we do with these ideas is up to us. I know they are truth since I have lived them. We can gain a sense of peace about our lives when we think deeply about our life purpose and the lessons we are learning.

If you would like to read more about my communication with my son or know of someone who has experienced a loss and seems to be stuck in grief, please consider giving them my book (available through AuthorHouse or Amazon) and let me know what happens. I know you will be surprised to hear their response after reading it. If you are hesitant to offer a book of this type to someone that’s okay. I know from the book talks I give and emails I receive that those who will benefit from reading it somehow find a way to do so.

Have a great few days!