Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘respect’

The Miracle of the Season

Christmas is five days away! What happened to the time…to the year? We have all lived through blessings, challenges and opportunities this year. Some have caused us to grow beyond our wildest imaginings while others have caused us to make mid course corrections and adapt to new life changes. What we do know is that all were intended…all were for the purpose of self growth. As we run around feverishly picking up the last present at the store (or the mailbox for our online shoppers) let’s remember the unconditional love of the season – and keep it foremost in our hearts. Christmas brings out the best in all of us as we reflect on a few simple truths such as…

Friends and family without them our lights would not shine quite as brightly. If someone is struggling now is the time to go the extra mile to show them we care. Random acts of kindness can be a lifeline to another especially at this time of year.

Health – although we may be doing well it’s important to remember that for some fellow travelers health issues may be a challenge. They need our understanding. Regardless of our condition each of us wants to be treated with dignity and respect and seen as a capable human being. Everyone has the capacity to make a positive difference until our last breath – and beyond.

Opportunities – when we review what we have faced this year some things might not have gone as planned. We may have run into some difficulty with others. As Desmond Tutu tells us that ‘forgiveness is nothing less than the way to heal the world’ one person at a time. Let’s heal it together.

Joy – we can see it everywhere. The smiles, the hugs, the laughter of others helps us to remember – all is good with the world – and we see it clearly when we stop long enough to breathe deeply and live in the present.

Gratitude – it brings light into our lives and makes our life lessons easier when we appreciate what we have and maintain a mindset of ‘YES.’ It gives us strength and enthusiasm to face our tomorrows.

Our loved ones who have passed on left us with an incredible gift – unconditional love. Let’s pass it on to others and change the world.

For today, next week and next year – we can choose to remember the feelings we have at this time of year and decide – right here right now – to continue this unconditional love and appreciation for our life and those who are in it. Life really is good, our cups really are full and everything will work out just as it’s suppose to … it just takes a little faith in the miracle of life here on planet Earth.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Practicing Forgiveness is Good for Your Heart!

In childhood it’s all about self but as we mature into adulthood we begin to understand the importance of being kinder, more forgiving and accepting of others. We start to see the world in shades of grey rather than simply black and white. This week the Pope’s message was to practice ‘peace, tolerance and respect for the dignity and rights of others.’ It seems that integral to doing this is to practice the art of forgiveness.

There is a reason that forgiveness is at the heart of healing. At a recent gathering in Manhattan 400 people were asked if they had difficulty and were not on speaking terms with members of their families. Over two-thirds of the participants raised their hands! Think about how many people are holding on to grudges and surrounding themselves with negative energy – it must be exhausting. Recognizing the importance of the topic, forgiveness is being further studied through the Stanford Forgiveness Project.

There are two common themes within all of this – forgiveness and its challenging cousin – judgment. When we think about an upset between family members or friends it seems to boil down to two things: assuming we hold the trump card on truth (believing that we know how others should feel or behave) and refusing to accept responsibility for any hurt we may have caused them through our practice of judging. Judgment can be felt without any words spoken.

When judgmental attitudes surface those half-hearted apologies of ‘I’m sorry that you’re upset,’ are not examples of respect or love. A true apology is recognizing what we have done that has hurt someone and then being courageous enough to verbalize it to them. In other words it’s about us – our actions – and not their reactions that are at play here.

The good news is that as we practice accepting responsibility for own own behavior we become stronger, more positive and happier people. We begin to realize that we don’t walk in another’s shoes and really have no idea about how difficult it is for them to learn their own life lessons. Maybe – just maybe – they are doing the best they know how at this moment.

Dr. Fritz Perls, the noted German psychoanalyst who emphasized Gestalt Therapy speaks to tolerance and acceptance of others in The Gestalt Prayer:

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
And if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful…

When I read this prayer I think of a world in which true acceptance of differences is foremost in our thinking and behavior. Peace, tolerance and respect for self and others flows from this mindset. We become more rather than less as human beings.

We are all in a fluid state between independence and interdependence in life. Doesn’t it just make sense to look for the strengths in family and friends rather than focusing on what we perceive as their weaknesses? When we acknowledge their effort we show them that we have faith in their ability to handle difficult situations. We allow them to grow. As we learn to judge less and forgive more the value and significance of touching base or celebrating holidays begins to take on a greater significance. We learn to bring our best selves to the table and treat our family and friends as we would like to be treated.

Over the next few days let’s try to see how we can practice greater forgiveness and allow the Pope’s message of peace, tolerance and respect to take seed in our lives.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Say what You Mean…

The lyrics from the Moody Blues, ‘Say what you mean and mean what you say…Think about the words you are using…Speak for yourself…Say what’s on your mind…’ Are incredibly powerful. I wonder how many of us do so without problems, worries or dramas. Being ourselves and saying what we means only happens when we feel strong in our own identity.

Studies have shown that being authentic is critical in relationships. Sometimes easier said then done right? Actually, for those of us who often choose to sit back and wait to see what others want to say or do, practicing authenticity is an important lesson to work on. The truth is that continually ‘giving in’ not only wears thin but can cause deep seated resentments that frequently surface given enough time.

We owe it to ourselves and the people we are around to speak up – ever so gently – and be heard. Think of it this way, unspoken expectations can dampen or potentially end any relationship. If we are concerned about being viewed as pushy or demanding maybe it’s time to consider how we are presenting our viewpoints. Often, rehearsing in our mind a way to speak our truth without anger, challenge or negative energy being in the mix goes a long way to enhanced communication. When we are upfront and open about our likes, dislikes, preferences, etc. it not only helps us but really helps those closest to us. We take the guess work out of relationships this way. After all, a healthy relationship cannot be built on a strategy of 20 questions!

Balance, the give and take in life, is the key. We want to be viewed as considerate, of course, but have we allowed it to become an art form in our behavior? Consider this … how many times have you ‘given in’ and ate a certain type of food, watched a particular genre of movie or even traveled to a specific location that you were never truly interested in? Reflecting back now, did you bring your best self to the situation?

Often, we think that letting others decide and take the lead will make them happy. ‘It’s no big deal,’ we tell ourself as we try to justify why we chose not to speak up and state our desire. But the truth is it can become a big deal if we start to make it a habit. We can’t make others happy by continually giving in. It’s not only an unrealistic goal but actually double backs and resurfaces – often with a bang not a whimper – at the most inopportune times.

How many of us have actually ‘negotiated’ with a spouse, partner or even friend in reference to what we need or want. Have we been self-confident enough to state our preferences or desires? When we respect ourselves enough to state our own wants or needs up front, others respect us much more in the long run. Solid relationships are built on respect.

Equality starts with a belief that everyone’s needs and desires (including our own) are equally important. The next step is then practicing this belief. Let’s decide right here and now that we are worth it and engage in decision making rather than merely observe it happening. Everyone will be better off in the long run!

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Namaste!

Have you ever noticed the different ways we greet each other? In Japan bowing is a traditional sign of greeting that shows recognition and respect. In many African countries hand clapping signals a greeting. Saying hello, shaking hands, even fist bumping and hugging are different ways we greet people in English cultures. Sometimes it feels rather perfunctory and at other times it feels – well actually genuine – and it stops our brain momentarily from thinking about the next thing on our to do list. We truly see the other human being who despite all odds, trials and challenges are here in front of us at this moment in time.

A similar thing can be said for sales associates and check out clerks. You can just tell that someone above them on the corporate ladder has instructed them to greet each customer usually with a question such as. ‘Did you find everything you were looking for?’ Or ‘How are you doing today?’ As the words come tumbling out of their mouths there is little to no eye contact as they are busy surveying what needs to be checked out on the friendly conveyor belt that is going at warp speed as their manager views the action from a perch high above. Until …wait for it … you stop and look them in the eye, respond and then go to the next step and actually ask them how their day is going. Usually they will stop mid task, a bit surprised that you took even a moment to ask about their day. Such a small thing to do and yet you can just feel the person warm up inside. It is, as if, they are saying to themselves, ‘Well, my day is actually getting better with thoughtful customers like you!’

When we take a moment to look people in the eye and let them know that we see them – truly see them – it means something. We are choosing to use a few precious seconds of our life to stop and appreciate the spiritual presence of another. There is a single word that means all of this which is used in the form of a greeting around the world. The word is ‘Namaste’ (pronounced na-ma-stay). Roughly translated it means the heart and spirit in me sees the heart and spirit in you. Regardless of our background and experiences when a fellow traveler takes the time to recognize us it’s a good thing. Often this one word greeting is done with the hands together and pulled close to the heart.

I know it may sound like a stretch to suggest such a greeting to some – especially the part with the hands held to the heart but regardless of the type of greeting we are comfortable with the important part is taking the time to mean it right? To take even 30 seconds out of our busy day and offer kindness, recognition and respect to another.

Over the next few days check it out. I’ll bet you can stop someone in their tracks who is being paid to service you in the most efficient manner by looking at them and asking how their day is going. Just think you are sending out those good vibrations into the world and it didn’t cost you a cent even though it created value for others.

Maybe the big things in life are made just a bit easier when we remember to take care of the smaller things along the way.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

The Importance of Self Love

Charlie Chaplin who was best known as a mime actor wrote a poem on self love. The whole topic of loving ourselves may, at first, be thought of as hedonistic. Yet, how can we ever truly love another if we have not first learned to love ourself? Often we are so busy on our quest to make others happy that we discount our own needs and desires and agree to do things that in our heart we really, really do not want to do. As a result we end up resenting the situation and over time even the person. Self love teaches us to be authentic and recognize our own feelings, needs and desires first. Basically, we allow ourself to say ‘yes’ AND ‘no’ without guilt. As we begin to practice self love we become happier and more self confident, authentic, and mature. We learn to back off and let others experience their own lessons in life. The help we offer is not to do something for them but to let them know that we have faith in their ability to overcome the issues that come up in their lives. After all, the more we rescue the more dependent others can become – and that hurts both parties.

In the poem Chaplin said, “As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at exactly the right moment. So I could be calm… As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is LOVE OF ONESELF.

Is it time to practice self love? It’s worth considering!

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Happiness is an Inside Job!

If you are unhappy in your life what are you choosing to do about it? The operative word, of course, is “choosing.” Our level of happiness cannot be determined by others or we are in for a long, bumpy ride. As Albert Elllis said no one has the power to cause us to feel happy or unhappy unless we give them the right to do so. We can choose to be happier, more productive in life by internalizing a few simple ideas.

The first and most important belief is that we deserve happiness. Yes, even with all of our supposed imperfections we are still entitled to happiness. It is our personal inalienable right and a goal that we work toward achieving throughout our lives.

Our level of happiness can be affected by others. Which people seem to have the greatest influence on your thinking? Look into their lives – are they truly happy? If so great! If not, the sad truth is that nothing you can ever do will change it. They must decide to make the effort to change their thinking and their life. In the meantime, you can become manic trying to help them, attend to their latest life crisis, even attempt to buy their happiness but to no avail. If they lash out in frustration or attempt to bully us into solving their latest life trauma it says more about their own level of frustration and unhappiness than ours. Only they can choose to change their life.

For our own well being, however, it is important to decided the amount of time we are willing to allow ourselves to be surrounded by negative energy. We tell our children that they need to choose their friends carefully but how many of us as adults do the same? You might be thinking … but many of the people who exhibit unhappiness are in my own extended family? Even with family, the same rules apply. You will receive from them only what you are willing to accept. As a family member you might want to jump in and ‘fix’ something for them. Be careful. It is their territory not yours. Assuming what they need and not waiting to be asked for help can result in resentment. The internal message they receive is that you think they are not capable of handling it on their own. That is a demeaning message. Remember, ‘helping’ is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone views the issue or challenge through their own eyes. It requires a delicate balance of knowing when to assist and when to back off that results in greater happiness for all concerned.

Sometimes we need to limit the time we spend with others (including family) when their energy is just too negative to be around. I am convinced that there are a few people on this earth who simply choose to see life as a fight – deciding who are enemies and who are friends. Sadly, these folks believe that anyone who doesn’t see things the same way as they do are just dead wrong. Luckily, I have encountered only a few of these folks in my life but I do know that they can suck the enthusiasm for life right out of you if you let them.

When we draw a line of what is and isn’t acceptable behavior when dealing with others we give ourselves the right to choose happiness. Regardless of how negative or out of control someone may be the bottom line is that they will only give us as much as we are willing to take. Martyrdom should have ended in the dark ages. Respect is earned not only by what we do but how much we are willing to tolerate.

When you give yourself the gift of happiness you are accepting the fact that you are a human being, a child of the Universe who is worthy of consideration, acceptance and respect. The real test then is to muster up the courage with family or friends to refuse to be taken for granted, demeaned or devalued. Of course, equally important is how you communicate this message. Anger simply negates the message. A spoonful of sugar always makes the medicine go down better.

You were created with everything you need to be happy. Once you begin expecting happiness as the natural order of things it is amazing how quickly the Universe responds. Like a magnet positive energy and self confidence draws more of the same from others.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Barilla Out/Bertolli In

This website is about deepening our understanding about human emotions especially dealing with grief and loss. The topic of loss comes in many forms. An important one is the loss people experience from a lack of respect from others due to their lifestyle. We are, after all, created by the same Universal Energy of pure love. This site is about trying to make the world a better place one person, one blog, at a time. Rarely do I enter into current events unless my heart moves me to do so- and it did today.

Guido Barilla, chairman of the world’s leading pasta manufacture on Wednesday stated, “I would never do (a commercial) with a homosexual family, not for lack of respect but because we don’t agree with them. Ours is a classic family where the woman plays a fundamental role.” Why am I having a hard time accepting his explanation? The latest add for his company features Antonio Banderas baking biscuits (it seems there are 15 different brands and products made by the Barilla company) and talking to children about a chicken called Rosita. It was MR. Banderas who was featured in the add – but didn’t Barilla argue his point by saying ‘women play a fundamental role? Mr. Barilla also said he opposes adoption by gay parents. Ah…the real issue surfaces. No question where he stands on the topic of respect and equal rights. After a firestorm on social media sites, Barilla responded, “I apologize if my words have generated controversy or misunderstanding…” His words ring both hollow and insincere. Notice he didn’t apologize for being discriminatory but simply of “generating controversy” sounds like he is worried about the bottom line – money – and his PR folks were probably pleading with him, on bended knee, to recant his words. Mr. Barilla I think, ‘ thou protests too much!’ One just has to wonder why.

Misunderstanding really? Mr Barilla there is no ‘misunderstanding.’ Your comments were judgmental, offensive and lacked the integrity needed for a leader of a major company. You have a right to your own extremely limited perception but NOT as a CEO of a major company you inherited from your father which employs over 13,000 people. I wonder how some of your employees who are, no doubt gay, feel working for a company that promotes such discrimination. Do they have to hide in the shadow hoping not to be discovered and fired due to your stance? You made yourself both sadly and perfectly clear. Your comments were not a simple misunderstanding but a hateful and judgmental attack. You might want to contemplate on the statement, ‘Judge not, that ye be not judged.’

Now it is up to us, as consumers, to stand up and be counted. There is no place in my world that can accept a company that promotes discrimination, that includes Chic-fil-A and any other company that promotes division and discrimination among people. I accept the suggestion from Mr. Barilla that if his words upset me, simply do not eat his pasta – actually I could no longer stomach it. With each bite his comments would ring in my ear. Now let’s see if his 5.4 billion in net sales with be likewise effected. It’s up to us to decide.

It is good to know that alternatives exist. For instance, Bertolli, another Italian pasta maker company is NOT discriminatory and chose to feature a commercial highlighting a gay couple back in 2008! Imagine that! The character of this CEO and his company speaks volumes. They now have me as a permanent customer. I’m putting the intention out there that over the next year or so Bertolli will increase their sales by 40% because of both the integrity of their company and the quality of their product.

There is no room for discrimination, judgment or hateful comments in my world. Not now – not ever. Mr. Barilla will reap what he sows. That’s just how the Universe works.

Please forward this blog on to your friends and family. Information is a powerful thing. Let’s give others the chance to make a difference – an informed choice – so everyone can be accepted and treated with respect.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with: