Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘God’

Dreams for Tomorrow

Remember the song, ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’? The line in the lyrics that especially moves me is, ‘the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.’ What are your dreams? What do you want more than anything in the world? Do you have a dream for tomorrow?

Are you into possibility thinking or limitation thinking? For instance, if you want something to happen in your life but you are saying to yourself, I am too young, too old, too inexperienced too WHATEVER .. stop and listen to yourself. You are limiting yourself by what you are thinking. There is no magic age or situation that is the pivotal point that finally allows you to be happy. It is a daily thought process that allows you to evolve into possibility thinking! Happiness really is a state of mind not a state of circumstance.

If you find yourself thinking, I don’t have enough money to .. (fill in the blank) or I am not smart enough to … (again, fill in the blank) or I have to wait until … just stop… why are you placing limits on yourself? When we hear the statement that we are our own worst enemy it sort of fits in this context. The Universe will only deliver to you what you truly desire – no more no less. That sort of puts everything into perspective don’t you think?

I would recommend that you look at tomorrow as the first day of the rest of your life. No kidding, let’s look at tomorrow as a clean slate – let’s forget about what didn’t happen in your past and think about what you want and desire for the rest of your life and actually make it happen. You are, after all, the grand designer of all that you are and all that you will be in this lifetime.

Everything in the Universe is perfectly aligned to deliver whatever is foremost in your thinking. So let’s make our thinking one of possibilities not limitations. Make tomorrow the best day of your life!

Have a great few days!

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90% is a Good Percentage!

It has been said that 90% of what we worry about never happens. Yet, many of us find ourselves ruminating about the many things that can go wrong when trying to make a decision or simply facing a new day. We may conjure up all kinds of ‘what ifs’ regarding things that could happen. I understand the need for caution and to think through the pros and cons of a situation before making a big decision. However, many times we can become paralyzed by fear and refuse to move forward with a change in our lives because something negative might happen.The operative word here is might!

If you fast forward to the end of your life how do you think people will remember you? Will they say he/she gave me energy when I was around them and encouraged me to grow? Or will they think that being around you was an obligation which drained them of their own energy? Something they needed to do simply because they were a family member or close friend. You really never know which of your words or actions will create a lasting memory for someone else.

Our thinking, whether positive or negative takes root and produces seeds that will grow into the tomorrows of our lives. In fact, these seeds can affect the tomorrows of our loved ones lives as well. Our legacy to family and friends can be one of hope, possibility thinking and love or not. It is completely up to us to choose. I believe our words, behavior and overall modeling can be the greatest gift or burden we can pass on to future generations. Our life is no brief candle but a torch that we pass on to future generations that will, hopefully, burn brightly when they remember us. When you put your thinking and behavior in that perspective it takes on a whole new meaning.

The next time you find yourself in a cycle of negative thinking and unable to move past the fear involved in either decision making or simply facing a new day remember that the law of averages is on your side. I believe, without question, the axiom that 90% of what we worry about never happens. Personally, I like those averages!

As my son said in my book, “Mom, everything is as it should be.” I believe this with everything in me. This message from the other side has given me confidence to make changes in my life, face uncertainties when necessary and continue to move forward with a belief of the rightness of my decisions and the wonderful possibilities in my tomorrows. Hopefully, I can pay it forward to you.

Have a great few days!

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Let Go and Live

In my book, Just Behind the Door, I shared the many messages I have received from my son on the other side. It has been a long journey through the process of grief and there have been so many lessons presented especially on the topic of forgiveness. When I work with others who have lost a significant person in their lives it is not uncommon for them to be angry that their loved one ‘left them.’ Please know that you were not abandoned by your loved one. It was their time- as crazy as that may sound – and ‘All is as it should be.’ God or the Universal Energy does not make mistakes.

If your past memories are dominating your present life it may be time to consider the importance of changing your thinking.

Holding on to the past hurts whether it be the loss of someone dear to you or simply negative events that have found their way into your memory limits your energy and restricts the possibility of happiness for your tomorrows. If you think of your brain as simply a vessel that holds things, how much space are you using up with sad or hurtful memories from the past? I’ll bet you can remember incidences from your life as far back as elementary, middle and even high school that caused you mental anguish. Add to those memories any situations in your recent past that have caused you anxiety or hurt. Think of the negative weight you are carrying around in your mind. Can you just imagine how much more energy you would have and happier you would feel if you made a conscious effort to rid yourself of these hurts from your past.

To let go takes work. If you could simply say to yourself I’m done with that and move on that would be like hitting an ‘easy button.’ Learning to let go of the hurt, loss and emptiness necessitates that you spend active moments working on it. For instance, make a list of the 10-20 events that have happened to you in your life that rocked you to your very core. The things that hurt so badly that at times you didn’t know if you could go on. Write them out, look at them and think about how much energy it is taking to keep those sad memories alive. Are you ready to let go of them?

Meditation is a wonderful way to help recalibrate your thinking. It is a powerful approach to use on the topic of forgiveness. Close your eyes, breathe deeply and think about each of the things on the list and decide if you are ready to be free of the burden of keeping it alive. Send the memory out to the Universe each time you exhale. Just think to yourself, I no longer want to keep this negative memory. I send it out to the Universal Energy with love. I choose to live surrounded by positive energy for a better tomorrow. You will need to repeat this activity many times before your mind will truly let go of them. Be patient. They have been building up over your lifetime and it will take a little time to unearth them. There is no substitute for putting in the time necessary to release the hurts of all your yesterdays. But it is so worth the effort.

Have a great few days!

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Learning the Art of Forgiveness

In my last blog I suggested you make a list of family members and close friends and attach one word to each person to demonstrate the way they dealt with forgiveness. It is important to think about the messages you may have internalized up to this point in your life. It’s rather like taking a base line measurement to determine how you were trained to handle situations that were hurtful or demeaning. Some people stew about things for years and want to tell us at every opportunity how they were wronged. Others have learned to look at what happened and learn from it. They don’t forget an injustice but simply refuse to give it any emotional energy after the fact. They move on realizing they have learned an important life lesson but refuse to carry the weight or burden of resentment. They realize that withholding forgiveness will just harden their own heart.

Forgiveness is recognizing an injustice that happened but refusing to let it control your future. It is used when someone admits and takes ownership for something that caused pain to another. It is both an art and skill worth developing. Many times we can observe others and learn from them. In the book, A Course in Miracles, forgiveness was defined as letting go of all hope for a better PAST. When you think about it in those terms it makes sense. No one can go back and change the past. Better to learn from it and remember to be more prepared in the future than to hold on to the past and waste even one more second on what you wish had happened.

Who from your list of family or friends is good at forgiveness? Can you see this person dealing with a difficult situation but refusing to be sidelined through anger, revenge, isolation or other negative emotions? Who in your group is good at holding onto a grudge? Which person seems happier? Which person gives you more energy when you are around them? Who do you choose to emulate?

Learning to forgive yourself is the first step in learning true forgiveness. We bring to the game all that we have and know at the moment. We are not perfect and do not have all the answers but are learning along the way. Each life experience gives us the chance to become more fully functioning human beings or not – the choice is always up to us. Learning to forgive ourselves and others is a crucial step in living a life worth remembering.

Forgiveness is like all the other lessons we are presented with in life. Until we learn it, it will continue to resurface again and again in our lives. When we have a deeper understanding, we can stop the pattern. Tomorrow is a good day to start practicing forgiveness. Are you ready?

Have a great few days!

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Forgiveness takes Work

Practicing the art of forgiveness is essential to a happier life. It is not for the faint of heart. Although it doesn’t cost any money and takes less time than perseverating on the injustices in our lives it is none-the-less a job that requires serious effort. As illogical as it sounds, however, many of us choose to use more time maintaining a list a mile long of grievances and hurts. The time spent reliving the injustices keeps us locked into a victim mentality.

Each time we remember a specific person or situation that hurt us deeply, as we mentally replay the tapes WITH THE EMOTIONAL FEELINGS ATTACHED it is, as if, the situation is happening again! The subconscious mind simply records the emotions felt at the moment. We may, in essence, live through a tragic, difficult or hurtful event millions of times in our minds. Each time, the memory of the event causes a deeper etch of pain in our minds and hearts. We continue to feel victimized.

Mentally replaying these tapes for years is not only unproductive but keeps us stuck in yesterday rather than looking forward to tomorrow. For example, I knew a person in his 60’s who continued to mention a roommate who 40 years earlier moved out and took some of his records! This may sound like a ‘light weight’ example but I use it for a purpose. Some of our ‘rememberings’ of hurtful events can begin to take on a life of their own. Whether big or small issues, they all constitute, over time, wasted energy that will leave us little more than vessels filled with hurts and grievances that we hold on to as proof that life has been unfair. Life may be many things – challenging, difficult and at times nearly impossible to comprehend but unfair- I don’t see it that way. It is just as we designed it to be no more – no less. It is what we do with the hurts and grievances that makes all the difference.

Granted, when we experience a challenging or hurtful situation we need time to process through it with someone we trust. It is important and necessary to verbalize what happened, what we learned from it and what we intend to do differently the next time a similar situation presents itself. Regardless of the time involved it is time well spent by analyzing the who, what, how and why the situation happened. Most importantly, it gives us confidence to know that we will recognize a similar situation in the future and be ready to manage it more successfully. We are changing from being a victim to circumstance to being a victor by developing our proactive problem solving skills based on our own real life examples. Therein lies the lesson of forgiveness. When we admit and take ownership for our own part in the situation we learn to forgive ourselves first then are able to apply the lesson of forgiveness to others.

Learning the art of forgiveness involves a process. It’s not simply a matter of saying to yourself that you choose to be more forgiving and then doing it. The first step is to examine – from whence you came – to unearth the beliefs behind the behavior. Your family members and close friends dealt with forgiveness in their own ways and served as examples or models to you. Before you were even aware you were internalizing their behavioral messages. It is important to consider what effect each had on your present ability to forgive. To start on the process of learning true forgiveness, make a list of the names of these people and then add the first word that comes to your mind when you think about them and how they dealt with forgiveness. As you make the list you may begin to see patterns that help you understand why you respond the way you do to issues. Keep the list for now and we will use it in subsequent blog posts as the process of learning forgiveness is further discussed.

Stay tuned, helping yourself learn true forgiveness is worth the time and effort! Make it a great few days.

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Take Time to Reconnect

Who have you given a compliment to lately or listened to with both your head and heart as they were sharing a concern? Sounds like a trick question doesn’t it? It’s not meant to be, but it is meant to get us all thinking about our need to pass on a ‘thumbs up, I care about you or thank you’ kind of communique.

We seem to be living at light speed. Trying to get more and more done yet we look at our list for tomorrow and it seems longer than today’s. It’s exhausting just thinking about it. And yet…there is always a nagging thought about someone you meant to thank or someone you meant to reconnect with but the time just slipped away. Maybe tomorrow…maybe…but who knows if tomorrow will ever come. Something to think about and act upon when the thought comes to us.

The lyrics to the song, The Living Years, by Mike & The Mechanics reflect on the feelings of missed opportunities to communicate and understand what our loved ones are saying. A few of the lines are:

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got
You say you just don’t see it
He says it’s perfect sense
You just can’t get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defense
So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It’s the bitterness that lasts

The refrain, You can listen as well as you hear… I just wish I could have told him in the living years.

Some of us believe you can still communicate with our loved ones after they have passed on. I have had too many experiences that I shared in my book, Just Behind the Door, to question that reality. However, it is still important to remember that a missed opportunity is just that – missed- in never being able to do it again in that same way or same time.

Maybe each of us could set a goal to take 5 minutes over the next few days and reconnect with someone that we have been thinking about lately. Who knows we might have a new perspective from the connection and bring a little joy into both lives.

Have a great few days!

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What’s Your Purpose?

” Everything can be taken from a man but one thing – the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances..” This statement was written by Viktor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist and neurologist who wrote Man’s Search for Meaning in 1946 after being interned in a Nazi concentration camp and losing his family to the brutal hands of others. In 1991, 45 years later, his book was selected by the Library of Congress and the Book-of-the -Month Club as one of 10 most influential books in the U.S. Truth is, indeed, both ageless and timeless.

A salient point he made was that when we have a purpose in life, something greater or bigger than ourselves to be concerned about we can endure whatever life presents to us. It helps us keep perspective on the day to day events in our lives as we keep our eyes focused on a more expansive vision of possibilities for tomorrow.

Frankl also reflected on the topic of happiness and its relationship to a purpose driven life. We constantly hear the message about the importance of being happy. Makes sense since positive energy is involved in happiness. However, there is something much bigger than simply feeding the beast inside of us that says,’ I want… and then I will be happy. Do this, buy that and then I will be happy.’ That approach may fuel our economy but it doesn’t fuel our soul.

The idea of purpose, of making a difference in our families, friends and world is what keeps excitement in our lives and helps us develop into more fully functioning individuals. Simply doing things to make ourselves happy requires more and more fuel (things, money, experiences) to keep going. Having a purpose in life, however, gives us a never ending supply of energy because it comes from the Universal Source. We have all heard of the adage, ‘You get out of life what you give – no more no less.’ What a simple and elegant truth to consider.

Show me a person whose purpose is to be involved in life, seeing tomorrow with possibilities and helping others along the way and I will show you a person who has a happy AND meaningful life. They look forward to tomorrow with excitement, appreciation, and hope. That is a powerful elixir for life.

We are all here to learn unique lessons in this lifetime. Learning to move past simply making ourselves happy and into a purpose driven life is the answer to our own personal fulfillment and to a life well-lived.

Have a great few days!

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Choose to Refuse

Malcolm Gladwell has written three books which are studies of human behavior. His book, Blink explained that the way we processing information makes a major difference in our lives. In Tipping Point he studied the way change happens in people and society. His next book, Outliers offered a unique perspective on what makes people successful. In this last book, he stated that it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. That caused me to think about the different areas in which we have become experts in our lives.

When you take this number and think about it on more personal terms, each of us has easily spent over 10,000 hours in study, careers, supporting families, helping others, developing hobbies and, most importantly, creating our own unique perspectives in life. Sometimes the lenses we used to filter our life experiences were clear, giving us an accurate view of our environment and sometimes they were cloudy, effected by events that took our breath away with angst, fear or uncertainty.

Gladwell points out that circumstances surrounding our upbringing make a significant difference in how well we do in this world. I agree but would be quick to add that we all know people who, despite all odds, have become successful, happy, loving human beings. They may have dealt with challenges in life that seemed impossible to overcome, and yet they persevered. They may be a bit battered and weary but refused to give up or become negative or angry. These are the people that when given lemons in life they make lemonade. We know what causes these people to succeed in life while others struggle. It is their strength, courage and optimism that allows them to know that they can handle whatever life throws at them – and they do.

Information is a powerful thing. Once we realize that although our early upbringing, or other life events may have caused us to become ‘experts’ at seeing the glass as half empty we can do something about it. We can CHOOSE to REFUSE to use the excuses, ‘that’s the way I was raised,’ or ‘I can’t do anything about it because…’ and decide to live life fully rather than engage in a life of justifying why we are unhappy. Jim Carrey starred in a movie entitled, Yes Man in 2009 that exemplifies this point. It is worth watching.

We can become experts at living, loving and becoming the person we want to be or experts at regret, anger and fear. It’s a matter of our perspective and the amount of time we are willing to devote to the process. When we hear ourselves thinking negatively we need to consciously redirect our thinking. It takes practice, lots and lots of practice. We could say that we don’t have 10,000 hours of time to practice becoming an ‘expert’ at positive thinking. However, the amount of time left in our life will elapse regardless. The question is how we choose to spend it. What manifests in our lives develops from our thinking. Change our thinking and we change our lives.

Can you just imagine what our world would be like if each of us decided to become experts at making ourselves and our world a happier place? I’ll sign up how about you? Maybe you can pass this blog along to a friend and get them on board. The more people who are engage in the process the quicker the world will change. Let’s make it happen!

Have a great few days!

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Verbalizing your Feelings

Every once in a while I read something that just touches my heart and seems to beg to be shared. Finding a trusted family member or friend to talk to can lightened your load and make tomorrow a little easier. The following has been written by Devorah Zolotarev a gifted poet. I have taken the liberty to shorten it by not repeating all of the stanzas. The message in her writing remains intact – the importance of trusting yourself and others enough to verbalize your true feelings.

If I would let myself tell you
Where I’ve come and gone
How far I have run
Where I now stand
You could tell me you understand

If I would let myself tell you
About my hidden, darkened fears
My struggles through the years
My joy of breaking through
Then maybe you could help me
Continue what I do

If I would let myself tell you
Of the battles in my heart
What shatters me apart
How fragile I can be
Then maybe you could help me
Escape and just be free

If I would let myself tell you
Why I struggle with each word
How I’m scared of being heard
That I wish I could let go
Then maybe you could help me
Because then you would know

If I would let myself tell you
Than all this could disappear
Then you’d see me crystal clear
Then at least my tears would flow
Just maybe, maybe now
I’ll allow you to know

Have a great few days!

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Gratitude, Courage and Love

Everyone’s life involves opportunities, challenges and times that may cause them to wonder if they can make it through another day. In our own insular world we often forget that everyone we see is working on their own unique life script exactly as they had written it. For some, their lives seem to appear so difficult that it can take the breath away from a casual observer. You wonder how it the world they can do it. Yet I notice something in common from folks that have had to work hard for what they have in life or deal with exceptional challenges. They seem to have developed a higher sense of appreciation for even the smallest things. They can teach us much about gratitude, courage and love.

Recently, I have had the chance to hear from two different families that have experienced immense challenges. Yet both families look at the events and challenges they have experienced with gratitude. They have trained themselves to see the gift not the burden. If you listen to them talk they reflect not on the challenges but more on the funny, loving memories that they have acquired along the way.

Walking in another person’s shoes is impossible. But taking the time to remember that everyone is doing the best they can as they live through their own unique story is possible. It enables us to remember to be a little more patient, a little quicker to offer a smile, a helping hand or a thank you for even the smallest gesture. Who knows, we might give them just the recognition or help they need to face tomorrow. Now that is powerful!

When it is said, the greatest things in life are free, it’s true. It doesn’t cost a thing to recognize the efforts of someone or to help them along the way but it can make a huge difference in their lives. It’s a quick, sure fire way to send out to the Universe a ‘ happy gram’ of positive energy. The amazing thing is that without intending it to happen more positive energy comes back to you. It’s truly a win-win in life, a ‘pay it forward’ type of experience. That is what love is all about.

Have a great few days!

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