Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘grief’

Greater Happiness by Expanding Your Comfort Zone

Science talks about open and closed systems. This concept has direct application to the way we behave as individuals. Whether it is a personal growth or personal suffering experience the idea of visualizing an open or closed system has significance.

A closed system is rigid and non-resilient. It has little or no interaction with the environment and does not evolve. An open system, on the other hand, is adaptable, resilient because of the ability and choice to grow and evolve.

As human beings we are a complex open system designed to grow, change and evolve through learning and life experiences. If we stretch and allow ourselves to move out of our comfort zones we are forced to handle new situations and learning occurs. We become more resilient to the ups and downs that characterize our lives. The more we experience life the more resilient we can become.

Resiliency is tantamount to confident living. Knowing you can handle circumstances in life offers a sense of well being. The trick seems to be to allow or even force ourselves to risk experiencing new situations without becoming overwhelmed with the changes. If change, in general, is so overwhelming, maybe taking small steps could be the answer.Just as an athlete trains to run a race, for example, they do so in stages. They don’t simply go out and decide they are going to run a 10k race and achieve their best time on the first go of it. They work up the strength and endurance by pushing their bodies bit by bit until they are able to perform at the level they so desire.

If we think about this analogy, the same is true of our emotional well being. Staying in our own comfort zone may help us feel, temporarily, more at ease or secure but over time our open, complex systems need greater stimulation, more experiences to thrive. There is a major difference between surviving versus thriving. Our emotional well being is predicated on the assumption that as life happens to us, regardless of the difficulty of our experiences, we will pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start once again on our chosen path in life. It is, indeed, a challenge to push our comfort zones but it is invaluable to our overall happiness.

The choice is always up to us. Pushing ourselves to experience the new and different can cause all of us discomfort and a momentary feeling of being unsure. However, after each new experience we are basically moving up the next step on the ladder to greater peace, acceptance and resiliency.

Sure sounds to me like it is worth the try! Have a great few days!

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Compliments Magnify Your Energy

A true compliment causes the person receiving it to feel good. That seems like a no-brainer right? How many times have you recently received a compliment that made you stand a little taller or have a smile that was a little bigger on your face? When is the last time that you went to bed thinking about something someone said to you that caused you to feel pretty good about yourself? Heartfelt compliments are not difficult. We just need to put ourselves in someone else’s place, see their happiness with their situation, and make a comment on it. It doesn’t cost any money but reaps tremendous rewards for everyone concerned.

Conversely, we may hear someone say, ‘that’s okay for you but it is too …(fill in the blank) for me. Maybe they are talking about our house, where we live (city or rural) or our taste in clothes, decorating – the possibilities are endless. What may have started out as a feel good statement sort of takes the wind out of our sails right? It seems there are two issues here – one major and one minor. The first being that that kind of statement is not really a compliment but a judgment. That one is the major issue. We all know that judgements directed at us hurt! The second one may be a bit more minor and due to a lack of thought or simply lack of an understanding of the significance of word usage. Basically, regardless of what is said in the first part of the sentence before the word ‘but’ was inserted is really negated by using that word. Why? The word ‘but’ places a condition on everything said before it and erases the original intent. Often people get in a habit of using the word without realizing the effect.

Do we really want to celebrate the joy in what a person is showing us? If so, it requires that we truly listen to our own words and choose them carefully. Each of us can be the ‘resident critic’ that is so easy. It doesn’t take intelligence to constantly compare yourself to others. And it doesn’t take much to look for something in another person’s life that doesn’t fit your comfort zone. However, what is so wonderful about this world is that we are all on our own path, learning our own lessons and learning to celebrate the joy in life. When we accept that we are unique individuals with individual taste the heavy energy of judgment simply falls away.

I find it amazing that we can be such critics on other people’s lives. Why in the world do we feel we have the right to judge another? Maybe when a person sees another person joyful in their life it stirs an uneasy feeling inside of them and they give a half hearted compliment because they really want the joy they see in another person. Being a critic, regardless of exactly how it is said, says a whole lot more about that person’s ‘unhappiness index’ than anything else. But it still hurts doesn’t it? When we truly listen to others (and not just wait for our turn to talk) we can begin to hear value judgments about others flying around at the speed of light. The people making these value laden statements are experiencing their comfort zones getting smaller and smaller as they live out their lives. Sad to think about them in a few years.

Genuine compliments are just that …genuine… from our hearts. We are happy for the other person because we can see that they are happy. Placing conditions on our statements not only hurts others but hurts us as well. We are putting negative energy out into the Universe no matter how clever we think we are at masking it. The Universal Energy gives us more of the same because what we think about most often is like a magnet that draws more of the same back to us.

What if we made a concerted effort to become the wind UNDER the sails of others rather than taking the wind OUT of their sails? By making a concerted effort to compliment others we are changing the Universe one statement, one person at a time. Sometimes developing a more positive mindset takes work but is so worth it. The energy we bring to a circumstance by being positive just magnifies itself in our own life. It’s important to remember that ‘what goes around comes around.’

If you know of someone who might be helped by reading this blog please pass it on. Sometimes we can be a positive catalyst in the life of others when we do it from a place of love.

Have a great few days!

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Extend a Hand

I recently received a heartfelt letter from a woman in California who had read my book, ‘Just Behind The Door.’ I thank all of you who have had the opportunity to read the book as well as those of you who have emailed me your impressions. Losing a child, regardless of their age, or a partner, parent, sibling or best friend causes us to walk a similar path through grief. It is so important to know that you are not alone and that yes, the feelings of loss can be so overwhelming they can take you to your knees. There is nothing wrong when you momentarily feel so deeply that you question life itself. The deeper our love the deeper our grief.

What IS important to know when you are troubled about anything is that you will make it through – not necessarily totally unscathed – but you will make it through when you reach out to others for help. Regardless of the type of help whether reading about someone else’s journey, joining a loss group, working with a counselor or simply talking, talking and talking to a family member or friend about your feelings enables you to get the raw, gut wrenching hurt and fear to the surface. It may take weeks, months even years to truly heal. It’s okay – we are each on our own unique timeline in this life journey. Getting your feelings to the surface is THE critical first step in healing. At the surface there is light and with that light energy the slow, deliberate process of healing will begin.

Some might think that a person is strong if they don’t fall apart at times and show emotion. You know the reference to the saying attributed to the upper class British, ‘keep a stiff upper lip?’ Well, originally that was in reference to sewing the mouth closed of a corpse before throwing it overboard at sea. Kind of puts things in perspective doesn’t it? Show me a person who doesn’t struggle with their feelings when loss or difficult things happen in their life and I will show you a person who is sad, angry and alone.

True strength is being willing to admit vulnerability and seeking out someone to confide in who will truly hear you. Just as you can either be someone’s lifeline or anchor you can also be your own. The choice is always up to you. Being your true authentic self takes courage and by sharing your feelings it gives others the chance – the honor even – of being there for you. Those who are the happiest in life seem to have learned this lesson.

Remember the lyrics from the song written by Tommy Page, ‘A Shoulder To Cry On,’
Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on…
a friend to rely on…
you will feel better
if you let me walk with you…
by your side…
you won’t be alone…
a friend to rely on…
with you ’till the end.

Let’s show how strong we are by making a commitment to be there for others when they need us and to open up to others when we need a listening ear and caring heart. We reincarnated together, this time around for a reason and just like the links in a chain, together we are stronger.

Have a great few days!

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Synchronicity and a Fellow Traveler

Synchronicity is amazing and at work again! Yesterday I met a highly successful, accomplished and beautiful person who had a difficult – actually life threatening experience – to share and apparently I needed to hear it.

As she described the physical assault she had barely lived through it sounded not only frightening but outright horrendous. I was amazed that she was able to put one foot in front of the other. At first glance although she looked so very confident and put together I just kept getting the feeling that inside she was a delicate, wounded bird and I was puzzled at my own reaction. As she began to talk I understood my initial reaction better. You would never have guessed that she nearly lost her life in the attack. To add more stress and trauma in her life, the timing of the on going court system continues to keep the attack in her conscious thought – long past the harrowing experience. Listening to her story you could visibly see and feel both the physical and emotional pain she was still in. Yet, she was involved with a group and determined to help others who have lived through similar traumatic experiences.

I was able to offer a few personal references – guides on the side so to speak – that I believed could help her further with the next steps in the healing process. We know that experiencing loss in any form takes what may seem like an inordinate time to fully heal but regardless of our determination or station in life deep loss is like a deep physical wound in our body. There are no short cuts in the healing process – it may take years to fully heal.

You may think our meeting was not particularly unusual or synchronistic but just read the following events that needed to be aligned to get the full picture.

She had changed her appointment due to a conflict in schedule
Still struggling a bit with jet lag I had not made an appointment until a few hours before when in desperation I realized I needed to get in. I kept thinking it would be impossible and not to even try to get an appointment but then in my next breath I would feel an urge to pick up the phone. When I did call I was absolutely astounded to get an appointment immediately (this process usually takes at best a week to get in)
Our times were 15 minutes apart and lasted for 2 hours so we had time to talk
She was physically moved from her original seat and seated next to me
The owner of the shop introduced us – not the usual procedure
Her life story involved tremendous loss of people, safety and well being
I have written a book and blog twice weekly on those topics

We had the gift of time to talk deeply about patterns of human behavior, prayers of protection, life lessons and moving on after tragic events occur in our lives. Our connection was immediately apparent and to verify it the Universe gave her a sign, goose bumps on her arms continually as we talked. In fact it was so noticeable that she commented on it. The energy exchanged left us both feeling happier, more energized and ready to tackle tomorrow. When it was time to leave, after exchanging hugs, I could feel my jet lag seemed better and I noticed that she left the shop with an actual smile on her face. It feels good to be used for a purpose higher than yourself.

Driving home I kept thinking about the amazing way the Universe just seemed to remove all of the normal roadblocks to make this connection happen. I could visualize in my mind the movement of times and events – rather like moving puzzle pieces around – just to make this meeting of the hearts happen and I smiled – I was humbled, indeed! I had met a fellow traveler along the way and was able to lend a listening ear and loving heart momentarily to her life. What greater gift can there be?

Have a great few days!

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Optimism Takes Practice

Just like an athlete or musician or any talent, we get really good at what we practice everyday. What are you practicing? Is it happiness, love and understanding or something else?

Positive, caring behavior delivers more of the same. Likewise, if we allow ourselves to be weighed down by anger, fear or sadness we will simply get more of the same tomorrow. The Universe just has a way of delivering to us what is foremost in our thoughts.

Think of the process like a magnet with a negative and positive end. Our thinking is energy. We attract more of the type of energy (positive or negative) that we surround ourselves with. Personally, I feel life is tough enough so I choose to do everything possible to lighten my load by seeing the positives in a situation. Some may see this as Pollyanna thinking. So be it. I have found huge benefits to an optimistic attitude or as Eleanor Porter said in her original Pollyanna books, applying ‘The Glad Game’ to life. There really is a silver lining behind every cloud that crosses our path. Sometimes it takes a little while to realize the purpose, or the lesson, to the difficult event we are experiencing. Eventually, the ‘Aha’ happens and we relax in knowing that everything will work out just as it is supposed to. We simply need to control our thinking and not let perseverating on fear and the ‘if only’ ‘ or ‘poor me’ highjack our ability to handle the issue at hand.

Practicing optimistic thinking takes effort. It does not take work to be a ‘resident critic’ or to find the fault in a situation. That kind of thing is easy to do. Since optimism does not come naturally we need to redirect our thinking each time we realize the ‘negatives’ have taken over our thought process and look for a positive in the situation.

Look at your own life at this moment. You may have difficult challenges to over come, that is part of the human condition. We all experience moments of worry or momentary despair? But it is the length of time we allow ourselves to be concerned or worried about the issue that is the critical difference. A little time to be concerned about a situation is natural – a long time is unhealthy and unproductive. As we worry the issue becomes larger in our thinking and what may have been a mole hole can quickly become a mountain to overcome.

When we force ourselves to find something good or positive in every situation a strange phenomena happens. We feel more empowered, more energetic to face our life challenges and keep things in perspective. Life just seems a little easier. Trust me, it is worth practicing. Next time you have a life challenge try looking for something good in the situation. Will overcoming the challenge cause you to feel stronger, more confident the next time an unexpected event happens? Remember, the more you practice something the better you get at it!

Make it a great few days!

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Remember Mother’s Day and Connect

Mother’s Day is just around the corner! It was actually started by the ancient Greeks and Romans and is now celebrated in over 46 countries around the world. It is a day that we take the time to remember and appreciate the gift of life and unconditional love that we have been given.

Many mothers will be receiving cards, flowers or calls from their children which will warm their hearts and put a grateful smile on their face. They will remember the special moments in life when raising their child may have been challenging but was such a blessing. Once a mother, always a mother, regardless of the age of your offspring.

For those moms who have lost a child the day can be incredibly difficult to face. They also remember, with an ache in their hearts, the times in their lives when their children would remember the day. Sometimes we hesitate to connect with these moms, afraid to upset them further. But fear not, out of sight is not out of mind and your connecting to them could be just what they need at this time. They still yearn to see that special smile or hear the loving voice of their child one more time.

I know that their loved one is still around them. They are trying to get their attention and to thank them for all that they did and to reassure them that ‘All is as it should be.’ I have walked in their shoes and know that energy cannot be created nor destroyed only changed in form. I am convinced that the energy of unconditional love never dies it just moves on to a different dimension.

If you know of someone who has lost their child please take a moment to connect with them over the next few days. Trust me, it will touch their heart to know someone remembers and cares. You might want to forward this blog to them. It may be just the salve needed to help heal their wounded heart.

From the distance of our separation
I see the whole of which I was a part;
I see the way, at times, I tore your heart,
And see the love that you maintain,
And know my leaving caused great pain.
But it was my time to move on again,
You could not change the destiny, the plan
I see the love that shaped our lives,
And am grateful for that and so much more.
Do not fear that I have simply disappeared,
Because I am forever in your loving sphere.
I am here, behind the door, watching and praying for
you to heal, to remember the good times, there were so many.
I chose you as my Mom for so many reasons.
I needed your strength, your love and belief in me,
I needed to learn the lessons that only you could teach me.
I am now free of anger, fear, pain and hurt,
And am surrounded by total peace and love,
The kind of love that you have for me,
Forever and eternally.
I will always be merely a breath and thought away,
Unconditional love just works that way.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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Are You Listening?

I once met a couple that had managed to work out a system for communication that was so unique it made a lasting impression on me. The gal was a nonstop talker and when her husband wanted to say something he simply gave her a friendly hand signal and she would stop immediately and let him get a few words in the conversation. The first time I saw them do this I was surprised and a little embarrassed for the wife but then I thought about it later and realized that they had developed a mutual understanding that worked for them.

I also remember in elementary school when we were trying to teach kids the importance of listening we would use a prop that was passed to each person as a signal that it was their turn to talk. The kids enjoyed the lesson and learned the importance of having everyone’s voice in the room.
Hopefully, some of the learning carried over into their adult life to make them better communicators.

It takes effort to hold back, and make sure that everyone has an equal amount of time to speak. But when we put ourselves in someone else’s shoes it is easier to understand the importance of doing so. Everyone wants to feel important, and to know that their opinions matter. Listening to them reaffirms that they are an equal partner in the discussion.You may not agree with them and that’s okay. We all have our own personal view of things depending on our life experiences.

Doesn’t it feel good when someone truly listens to you without interruption, judgment? People who are willing to give you their uninterrupted attention and time are rare. Most people are simply waiting (albeit) impatiently for their turn to talk. We can tell caring listeners by their eye contact and body language. We know that they are not thinking about what they have to do tomorrow, or their next meeting or client but are focused on what we are saying. They may even rephrase what we said to be sure they heard something correctly but otherwise, they simply listen with their head and heart. They are giving us something that can never be replaced – their time. The moment, once elapsed, is gone forever. Folks like this do not worry about ‘losing time’ but are more concerned about making a difference in the life of someone else. They are genuinely interested in what we are saying and doing. People like this are hard to come across but we all run into a few such special individuals in our lives. Their listening behavior signals an unconditional acceptance that causes us to feel more valued, cared for and respected.

Listening is at the heart of communication . In our hectic world so many people are yearning to be heard. It takes effort to sit still and listen attentively without interruption. It takes effort to learn to ask questions that empower rather than using simply declarative statements that disempower but the results are so worth the effort.

Have a great few days!

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Planning Your Tomorrow’s

Many of us feel the need to have a Plan A, B and, at more stressful times, even a Plan C in our lives. I understand the need to think ahead so that we are more prepared to handle obstacles and create the life we choose to live. The act of planning, in itself, offers a certain peace of mind in our fast-paced world. The huge benefit to planning is that when we form a plan we are putting our intentions out to the Universe. That is a powerful thing to do. Why? Simply put, we basically get what we think about most often – no more or no less. The act of planning is a way to line up the energy of the Universe to deliver to us what we truly want and need in life. We don’t have to cross all the t’s or dot all the i’s in our plan but simply see, feel and know the big picture of what we most desire and have absolute confidence that it will come to us … in Universal Time.

There is a big difference between our human time clock where everything needs to happen yesterday and the time frame of the Universe or so called Universal Time. When we reflect back on our lives, didn’t everything happen for a purpose and didn’t the time just seem right? At first, we may not completely understand the timing or purpose but if we dig deeper we will discover the golden nugget of truth and say to ourselves, ‘this is what I was supposed to learn from that situation.’ The good news is that if we learned the lesson we move on to our next life adventure. If not, the lesson seems to come back again and again, each time a little more dramatically and forcefully until we finally say, ‘Aha, now I get it!’

If you take a moment in your busy schedule and think about what life might be trying to teach you at this point in your journey you may be surprised by your discovery. Is it about making the world a better place, demonstrating acceptance of yourself and others, unconditional love? These are just a few of the mighty lessons presented to us that may take a lifetime to learn, but learn we must.

Planning then is a guide to the Universe, a preferred way that the lessons we have to learn will be presented to us. Personally, I feel more at peace and empowered knowing I have the capacity to be an even more active,integral part of the whole process through planning. It crystallizes the idea that life is not happening to me but through me rather like a joint partnership. The saying, ‘All is as it should be,’ then begins to make even more sense in our lives.

Have a great few days!

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Fear of the Unknown

We like closure. It helps us feel more in control. However, if closure is not immediate what do we do? Frequently, we fill in the details about what this MIGHT mean. Our monkey brains work nonstop and our past experiences often fill in the unknown with fear, anxiety and negative thinking. Fear, in itself, can be a good thing. It has allowed us to evolve by signaling the need for a flight response. For instance, one could think of the letters in the word fear as standing for ‘f… everything and run’ when you feel physically threatened.

Another valid interpretation of the letters in fear could mean ‘false evidence appearing real’ when we don’t have enough information to understand the meaning behind a situation. In this circumstance your choice of interpretation is just that, your choice and your interpretation based on incomplete data. When you slow down and think more deeply about what you really don’t yet know about the circumstance you gain a sense of control and greater self confidence.

Ultimately, when additional information is supplied we usually think to ourselves, ‘Oh, that wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.’ It might even be a good thing eventually but at the initial moment we often have a tendency to put ourselves through a boat load of stress and worry. Why?

We act consistently with beliefs about ourselves which were formed from childhood and further developed through life experiences. The problem is that we often create our own filters during moments of stress and negative experiences then use these filters to interpret the future. This is especially true if someone in our lives has been in a position that, over time, created fear or anxiety in our lives. Maybe we had a parent or boss that used intimidation or fear as a method of control. If you have experienced this it really says a lot more about their insecurities than about your own capabilities. But as you are creating your own life filters you are rarely able to internalize this point.

The good news is that once we realize that our fears often develop from either lack of information or from the negative behavior directed from others we can do something about it! When we feel fear or anxiety about future events begin to take over our thinking we have the power to slow down our thinking, exhale slowly, and remember that 99% of what we fear or worry about never comes to pass. Future events can be interpreted with fear and anxiety OR a belief in your own personal power. If you reflect upon the many things in life that you have been able to manage, accomplish and overcome, it will help you gain a renewed sense of confidence. You really can handle whatever life has in store.

Visualize the phrase ‘jumping to conclusions.’ It’s a funny image. Would you normally arrive at a conclusion about something in your life without all the needed information? Would you buy something, designed something or conclude something about someone with few facts? Probably not. Yet this is exactly what we do to ourselves when we allow fear or anxiety from previous experiences to control our interpretation of future events.

Learning to control our response to stressful or difficult circumstances is not easy. It takes practice. We may fall back, occasionally, to the ‘what ifs’ in life. That’s okay. The amount of TIME we allow ourselves to REMAIN in that state seems to determine our happiness index in life overall. Something to think about!

Have a great few days!

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90% is a Good Percentage!

It has been said that 90% of what we worry about never happens. Yet, many of us find ourselves ruminating about the many things that can go wrong when trying to make a decision or simply facing a new day. We may conjure up all kinds of ‘what ifs’ regarding things that could happen. I understand the need for caution and to think through the pros and cons of a situation before making a big decision. However, many times we can become paralyzed by fear and refuse to move forward with a change in our lives because something negative might happen.The operative word here is might!

If you fast forward to the end of your life how do you think people will remember you? Will they say he/she gave me energy when I was around them and encouraged me to grow? Or will they think that being around you was an obligation which drained them of their own energy? Something they needed to do simply because they were a family member or close friend. You really never know which of your words or actions will create a lasting memory for someone else.

Our thinking, whether positive or negative takes root and produces seeds that will grow into the tomorrows of our lives. In fact, these seeds can affect the tomorrows of our loved ones lives as well. Our legacy to family and friends can be one of hope, possibility thinking and love or not. It is completely up to us to choose. I believe our words, behavior and overall modeling can be the greatest gift or burden we can pass on to future generations. Our life is no brief candle but a torch that we pass on to future generations that will, hopefully, burn brightly when they remember us. When you put your thinking and behavior in that perspective it takes on a whole new meaning.

The next time you find yourself in a cycle of negative thinking and unable to move past the fear involved in either decision making or simply facing a new day remember that the law of averages is on your side. I believe, without question, the axiom that 90% of what we worry about never happens. Personally, I like those averages!

As my son said in my book, “Mom, everything is as it should be.” I believe this with everything in me. This message from the other side has given me confidence to make changes in my life, face uncertainties when necessary and continue to move forward with a belief of the rightness of my decisions and the wonderful possibilities in my tomorrows. Hopefully, I can pay it forward to you.

Have a great few days!

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