Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Archive for the ‘General’ Category

Life is 650,000 hours!

According to Bill Bryson in his book, ‘A Short History of Nearly Everything,’ the average human being lives about 650,000 hours which amounts to a little over 74 years. Of course this is simply an average but it does give a person pause when you think about our life span in that context – reduced to the concept of hours. All of a sudden every hour we spend living in the past or worrying about the future takes on a whole different perspective. One hour gone …how many more do we have left?

Each of us is carrying a load of rocks from our past in our invisible backpacks. If we perseverate on them the rocks can become boulders and cause us to slow down and even bend under the weight. The question is do we have the extra time and energy to continue to carry around anger, regrets or disappointments from the past? Or is it time to decide the next hour, day and week of our life will be better than ever because the clock is, indeed, ticking.

A simple practice of training ourselves, immediately upon awakening, to think about one thing to be grateful for and put a smile on our face we start our day off with more physical and emotional energy. It doesn’t cost a thing but will reap tons of benefit. It also helps us bring our ‘a game’ to the moment, the hour in which we are living. You may be thinking to yourself that you’re not a morning person. You don’t have to be. Simply getting into the practice of waking up with a thought of gratitude and a smile can be a game changer for the day. You still don’t have to talk to anyone until you have had that first cup of coffee or tea. This practice just seems to help get our own internal house in order for the new day. After all, you are still alive and have another chance to realize your purpose and make a difference in life. That, in itself, is a big reason to be happy.

It’s a matter of intention and self awareness. The next time you pass a mirror glance at it and honestly decide what your face is showing to the world. Does it project warmth, positive energy and welcome others in? Can you see a smile in your eyes? If not, the good news is that you can decide to change. Since it takes less energy to be positive than negative it seems like a no brainer to me. Yes, it takes honest self reflection and a bit of effort but we can change just about anything in our lives if we so desire. No cost involved – just a choice to become more aware of our own happiness index and do something about it.

Living is not resisting and merely existing but rather evolving by learning, growing, and polishing the rougher edges of our personality. We all have them. We can become happier, more energized and the person we always wanted to be when we have the courage to take stock of our lives and choose to do something about it. Self improvement is time incredibly well spent. It fuels the body, heart and soul.

Today you can choose to make a difference in life – one step at a time- starting with yourself. Now that is something to get excited about!

Have a great few days!

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Helping to Heal

In my book entitled, ‘Just Behind the Door’ I write about communicating for the past decade with my son who passed on in 1999. From the other side he has deepened my understanding about many things in life. My goal in writing it was to share the information from him and help others who are dealing with loss, grief and healing. It seems to give people hope – that’s all I could ever ask for – and what I have received.

The first thing he has emphasized is about life lessons. We are all here on our own unique paths to learn the lessons we have chosen to learn. Dealing with the loss of a loved one, especially a child, is no doubt the toughest lesson. I don’t think a parent ever gets over such a loss but merely through it given enough time. There is no magic wand to wave to heal a broken heart. I found that reading the stories by other parents who had lost a child gave me a sense of hope. They seemed to live to tell the tale and their willingness to share their gut wrenching stories helped me to know that I would survive as well. Sometimes you do question. I also learned that the many mind games we play with ourselves about the loss is natural, normal and, in fact, even predictable.

The second thing my son has spoken about is energy. The Universal Energy is in everything and everyone. We can feel the difference in the different types of energy when we are around people who seem to just energize us and give us hope as well as those that seem to deplete us of energy. When a person is dealing with the loss of a loved one sometimes the best thing we can do is simply be there to listen. They are able to tap into our energy and strength and make it through another hour, day or even week. That’s a priceless gift to receive. When I hear people say they know they should go visit someone who has recently lost a loved one but haven’t done so because they don’t know what to say, I suggest that simply being with them does not require words – maybe just a hug and a cup of coffee while you listen to what happened and exactly how it happened. Allowing someone to talk about their loss helps them heal. One hour at a time and it is, indeed, a long journey.

The third idea my son continues to emphasize is that, ‘All is as it should be.’ That is a bitter pill to swallow when you have experienced a loss but true none the less. The Universe doesn’t make mistakes. We can relax in knowing that there truly was nothing we could do to avoid the inevitable loss. The plan was set in motion long before we set foot on earth.

Since we have free will, what we do with these ideas is up to us. I know they are truth since I have lived them. We can gain a sense of peace about our lives when we think deeply about our life purpose and the lessons we are learning.

If you would like to read more about my communication with my son or know of someone who has experienced a loss and seems to be stuck in grief, please consider giving them my book (available through AuthorHouse or Amazon) and let me know what happens. I know you will be surprised to hear their response after reading it. If you are hesitant to offer a book of this type to someone that’s okay. I know from the book talks I give and emails I receive that those who will benefit from reading it somehow find a way to do so.

Have a great few days!

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A Friend Indeed …

The World Happiness Database (yes there is such a thing!) has found that people who have close friendships are happier, more empathic, display greater honesty and altruism. On another front, evolutionary biologists have found that these are traits that are very important to give and receive for survival. As Homo sapiens we are basically just wired to be social animals.

What causes some people to have more friends than others? I’m not talking here about the ‘friends’ we may have on Facebook or other social media sites but the kind of person (friend or a family member who is also a friend) that you could call in the middle of the night because you feel the need to talk. Could it be that they have developed greater empathy and curiosity for others?

If you watch them closely, you see that they truly care about others. They are more interested in letting the other person talk rather than keeping the attention on themselves and taking up all of the ‘air space.’ They find other people interesting and are curious about their world views. You can just feel a genuineness about them. They are not simply giving you 5 minutes of their time but are actually interested in what you are saying! Their energy is positive, uplifting and seems to naturally draw us in with their empathic regard. They want to walk a step or two in our world to better understand us, without value judgments but simply to more fully understand.

George Orwell serves as a tremendous example of a person who purposely experienced different world views to expand his empathy and understanding. After serving as a colonial police officer in British Burma in the 1920’s he returned to Britain determined to develop a deeper understanding of what life was like for the economically poor street people. As he spent time, dressed as a beggar, he realized that homeless people are not simply ‘drunken scoundrels.’ He wrote a book entitled, Down and Out in Paris and London about his experience and stated that it was the ‘greatest travel experience of his life.’

Rarely do we hear of such extreme learning examples such as Orwell’s but the truth remains, when you take the time to observe, listen with your heart and try to walk in another person’s shoes, even for a few moments, you develop greater empathy and respect. Without even realizing it, you find the numbers of friends you have increasing because you have taken the time to show you care. After all, we are all doing the best we can in this lifetime as we work at learning our own unique lessons.

William Shakespeare said, ‘A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.’ Doesn’t get much better than that right?

Have a great few days!

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Your Social Footprint

A recent article in ‘The Week’ magazine summarized a research study from the University of Michigan regarding social-networking sites (Facebook). Looking into this a bit further, I discovered that there are many research studies that have been conducted on the topic. The conclusion of these studies is a bit unnerving. It seems that frequent and continual use of these sites (5 times or more per day) leads to greater feelings of loneliness, depression, sadness and even anger. Whoa! I had no idea about the research but had felt a nagging unease when I saw teenagers and adults waiting in line to check out of a store while simultaneously viewing a social media site or texting a 5 second response to someone. I have wondered how present are they in the moment? Watching a family attempting the annual school clothes shopping trip while half of the members are on their phones and emotionally out there in space somewhere just takes the joy out of the experience.

The good news is that the study also found that when the research subjects used direct face-to-face communication with others it resulted in happier and more cheerful feelings. Remember the idea of staying in the present? Another way of thinking about this is to try to keep our attention where our feet are planted. You, your friends, clients and colleagues are worth the time.

Could it be that PART of the reason that people in the United States rate the highest (9.6%) for depression compared to 14 other countries is that we have begun to substitute actual personal contact with a social media site? Are we choosing to live in the shadow of texting and posting rather than ‘live’ contact?

Granted, there are many additional reasons for depression. The economy, personal challenges, family obligations, the pharma companies telling us that if we feel ‘down’ there is a pill for this or that … are just a few examples. What if part of the solution to unhappiness is the overuse of social media and the lack of face-to-face communication? You can fix that one – no cost, no worry, no problem. Just a slight change in habit. Are you up to it?

We may think we do not have a moment to spare in our lives as it is and to take the time to reconnect with a friend or make a new friend is simply out of the question. It may just seem easier, faster and more ‘with it’ to post a message and wait to see who responds. But now you know the long term effects. We can fix this – one person – one commitment at a time.

Like everything else in life the issue becomes one of awareness and moderation.

Have a great few days!

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Unconditional Love

Life is nothing without love and through love everything is possible. The interesting thing about the topic of love is that we are often guided on the importance of loving others but are not taught the importance of loving ourselves unconditionally. Some of us may have been blessed with unconditional love from a parent or other significant adult in our lives. For others who did not experience this type of love they may have many things yet to unlearn in life. Until we can love ourselves unconditionally we are incapable of unconditional love toward others.

Unconditional love has no limits or boundaries. It can’t be bought or sold. This kind of love does not dictate conditions but is offered without expectations of receiving in return – no strings attached. It is the kind of love a mother has for her child. The distinction between conditional and unconditional love is huge. We can think of examples where love depended on what was being received. The person who had enough money to give, give, give and when their ability to give was changed or compromised their friends or even family members no longer had time for them. That’s conditional love and it hurts.

Could it be possible that if we do not really love ourselves unconditionally others feel it and in return do not experience unconditional love toward us? Seems to me that since the energy we give off attracts more of the same type of energy back to us, the importance of truly loving ourselves unconditionally becomes even more crucial. We are, in essence, like a magnet with a positive end (unconditional love) and negative end (conditional love) and we attract more of the same type of energy to us that we are giving off. Makes truly loving ourselves even more important doesn’t it?

If we find ourselves thinking ‘I’m not … enough or I’m too …’ or in reference to someone else, ‘they are too … or not enough …’ that kind of thinking reflects conditions. That hurts you and others. Is it time to fully accept ourselves and others and realize that all of us have chosen our life path, in this body and at this time in history for our own unique purpose? The lessons we are being presented with in life were designed by each of us for a specific reason – to learn from them.

You truly are perfect in the eyes of the Universe and in the eyes of those who love you unconditionally. There is no ‘if’ in their loving. They just love you because you are you. That’s what really counts in life. It is not about the number of ‘friends’ you have on Facebook but the number of friends you have when you need them, without judgment or conditions, simply because they love you unconditionally. It has been said that most people can count the number of true friends like this on one hand and have fingers left over …maybe so. Maybe that’s the way it is supposed to be …

Do we all make mistakes, need some rework and growth experiences during our life? Absolutely! However, we can face these challenging times with a much larger tool kit if we have first accepted ourselves, as we are – a person who is growing and becoming all that we can be – and making a difference on planet earth -because we cared and dared to love unconditionally.

As Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, “the ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.”

Have a great few days!

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Increase Your Face Value

Have you ever thought about the power of an authentic smile? It is the one thing that defies a language barrier! I find it impossible to feel badly or worry about life when I have a genuine smile on my face. It just seems to lift me up, give me a surge of energy and lightened my step. A real smile truly is contagious.

When referring to a smile, I use the words authentic, genuine and real for a reason. Everyone sees through a fake or forced smile and withdraws in response. A true smile cannot be forced. It must be felt by the heart and is received accordingly.

When we see children playing, or people greeting each other at the airport we see and feel the energy radiating from them through the smiles on their faces. It seems to me that a smile is the most cost effective therapeutic technique that we can engage in during our daily lives. It is a visible sign of perceived self-confidence.

When we read that it is the simple things that give us pleasure in life I relate that to a smile. It costs us nothing yet returns to us double and triple fold a feeling of happiness. From such a simple gesture we can make our own day and the life of others just a little bit happier.

Being a people watcher I am amazed at the difference something as simple as a smile can make on others. Sales clerks, struggling with checking out people who are in a hurry will actually stop and seem a bit amazed when you take the time to smile and thank them for their service. They feel valued, appreciated and who knows it might be just the thing they needed most in the world to face another day. In fact, research has found that people receive more help when they exhibit an authentic smile. The latest brain (neuroscience) research tells us that when we are introduced to someone and we smile at them their memory retrieval (of us) is enhanced! That’s quite powerful don’t you think?

It is so easy to become wrapped up in our own lives and forget that all of us are simply looking for that universal sign that indicates that life is good. Joseph Addison said, “What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life’s pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.”

Do you have the time today to increase your face value by passing on a smile to someone … maybe even to yourself?

Have a great few days!

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How Full Is Your Cup?

Remember the song we sang in kindergarten, ‘If Your Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands?’ One line in the lyrics is especially telling, ‘your face will surely show it.’ When you look- really look – into the face and eyes of another person you can see how they view others and life in general. Another indicator of their view on life is their voice. Listen carefully and you will hear how they expect the future to play out. The face, body language, and word choices a person uses all tell a story that invites us in or keeps us at a distance. Their energy can fill us with happiness, peace and hope for the future or drain us with pessimism and worry about tomorrow. As hard as we may try to hide our true feelings we are really just open books to those who care about us.

When someone we trust cares enough to offer a helpful suggestion or observation about our comments or behavior they are giving their time, energy and love to try to help us just as we do for them. If we are open, and set our fears aside, their input they can assist us on, as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, ‘ The never ending task of self improvement.’

Just as we can see and feel the ‘happiness index’ of others they can be a witness to our own level of contentment and peace. Is it time for a personal happiness check? The next time you look in the mirror stop a moment and think about what you see and what others may see in you. Do you see reflected back a smile or peace behind your eyes that tell a story about the wonderful possibilities of tomorrow? You might also try to listen to yourself as you are talking to others. Are your statements generally positive or can you hear more negative, energy limiting statements? Each time we allow ourself to think or say negative thoughts we are robbing ourselves of the energy – the life force of life.

Our free will allows us to decide how we want to live out our days on this planet. We can choose to see our cup as half full (optimism) or half empty (pessimism) and live accordingly. Although the amount in the cup is the same, one type of thinking gives us hope and energy for tomorrow, the other despair and a feeling of hopelessness about our lot in life. It is important to remember that the Universe will match the type of energy that is foremost in our thinking. If you want more problems – think negatively – if you want more positives in your life – think positive. It is both that simple and complex. It is not easy to change you habits that by definition have become ingrained but it is so worth doing so!

Have a great few days!

As always, we have the gift of free will to accept or reject these observations.

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We Grieve Differently

Scott Simon, an NPR host, was tweeting recently to his 12 million followers about his experience during the death vigil of his mother. From the article written about the event in The Week magazine dated August 16-23 entitled, ‘Twitter: A death shared in real time’ has created quit a stir.

Writers from various news sources rushed to weigh in with their opinions about the appropriateness of this type of tweeting. Really? Why would anyone be surprised about it when social media has become so popular that over 70% of Americans now say they are connected to at least one site.

Each of us has our own level of tolerance or acceptability for information. Some feel that death should remain a private experience while others choose to share the highly emotional experience as a way to vent their raw feelings as it is happening. We each seek solace and understanding in our own unique ways.

While death is not something that we often choose to talk about it is, nonetheless, a natural part of the cycle of life that touches our very core. If Mr Simon felt the need to share the experience with others so be it. I do not walk in his shoes and therefore choose not to have an opinion on his choices. As Roger Ebert, the first film critic to win a Pulitzer Prize for Criticism once said, ‘ imprisonment …is being unable to tell another person what you really feel.’

The easy part about being consummate communicators on social media is that we have the ability to choose what we want to read and watch. With a simple click we can exit a site, without comment, if it is not something we want to know more about.

Is it possible that we could allow others the right to choose what to share when it comes to something this difficult without feeling compelled to offer our opinions about it? Losing a loved one is tough enough. If we are present and watch the breathing of our loved ones become more and more labored and we are experiencing flashes of happier memories of the past we need all the support we can get in whatever form we are most comfortable using. Allowing others to grieve in their own way just seems like the right thing to do.

Rather than having an opinion on his tweet topic, I applaud Mr. Simon’s dutiful presence during such a difficult time and hope that he was able to witness a look of peace when his mother took her last breath knowing that, ‘All is as it should be.’

Have a peaceful few days!

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What If Thinking

When we are very young children we are naturally self-centered. We feel that everything in the world revolves around us. After all, we are fed, changed and often entertained by the adults in our lives. We have not yet developed an extensive vocabulary or life experiences which allow us to conceptually understand events such as grief, loss, or even nuances in the behavior of others. Our abstract thinking skills take years – into late adolescence – to develop. In some people these skills, in fact, never develop for various reasons. As young children when something happens – pleasant or unpleasant – we usually internalize it as something we have caused because we are still, by nature, egocentric.

As we grow into adolescence and adulthood, sometimes the self-centered or egocentric thought pattern of early childhood continues and we may develop dysfunctional behaviors such as the ‘what if syndrome’ which can stop us from expanding our world and enjoying life.

If the ‘what if’s’ in our lives can be controlled they can cause us to analyze our choices more fully which leads to better decision making. Thinking through the possible outcomes of our choices can be healthy. If, however, we allow this type of thinking to become a syndrome which controls our lives we can become so fearful of simple everyday occurrences that we are rendered helpless – afraid of what the next moment or tomorrow may bring. Obsessing about all the possible ‘what ifs’ of an event or decision can result in panic attacks that may start to control our lives necessitating professional intervention.

We hear the word moderation so often that sometimes it loses its meaning. Yet, it is very important in this context. A little goes a long way with the ‘what if’ type of thinking. Only you – or someone you trust – can observe if you have taken the fear involved in ‘what if’ thinking to an art form level which is preventing you from truly living.

Expanding our life through sound decision making and occasional risk taking experiences will allow us to more fully enjoy our life journey. As Albert Einstein said, “A ship is always safe at the shore – but that is NOT what it is built for.”

Have a great few days!

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Taking a Risk is Worth It!

Leo Buscaglia was an American author, motivational speaker, and professor at the University of Southern California for years. His lectures were televised by the PBS network. While teaching he was profoundly moved by a student’s suicide and he began talking about feelings of disconnectedness and the meaning of life. He also wrote extensively about love transcending death. Through his love of humanity he made a difference in thousands of lives. The following inspirational verse and message on risk taking was actually written by Janet Rand but something he often quoted and is worth the read.

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,
To weep is to risk being called sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive.
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure

“But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, is nothing and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love. Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks is truly free.”

Risk taking enhances our lives and gets the blood pumping in our veins. It connects us in ways that are beyond explanation. I’m signing up – what about you?

Have a great few days!

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