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Is it Time?

How often have you been faced with what seems like the same challenge and said to yourself, ‘this just isn’t fair!’ When we are able to stop and think to ourselves, ‘what do I need to learn from this latest issue in my life?’ big things start to happen. You are taking ownership for your part in the whole process. One thing is for sure … the lesson has continued to surface for a reason – could it be that you need to address it differently than you have in the past? It’s all about learning the life lessons we have chosen this time around.

When we turn the kaleidoscope ever so slightly to determine why certain things continue to challenge us we are allowing ourselves to discover the pattern, the true lesson involved. You can do this by asking yourself ‘why’ and after the first answer comes to mind take that answer and ask why again.. and again. Do this process three times to get to the deeper ‘Aha’ – which is the real reason and subsequent lesson.

Let’s say you seem to continue to face a lack of money, friends, job opportunities or to have concerns regarding family. When you take the time to analyze the way YOU have been responding – maybe ignoring the issue, refusing to get involved, becoming overly involved, or judging the person (the list of possibilities goes on and on) often your response is the same as it has been in the past and thus you’re getting the same results. The Universe will respond by giving you harder and harder issues around the same theme until you get it. Let’s break this self defeating cycle. Remember the phrase, ‘First God whispers, then talks and finally shouts to get our attention.’

Another way to determine the lesson is to ask yourself ‘what’s the most difficult thing for me to handle about this latest situation?’ You know what I mean, it’s the thing that continues to pop up and you say to yourself ‘the next time I’ll deal with that differently’ but you really don’t – Ahh… yes, there it is … the nugget of truth – the reason behind the reason.

Let’s commit to make a change. Let’s start to view challenges as opportunities for our own personal growth and our road will become easier to navigate with less detours and stops along the way. We have often heard that it’s not the challenges in life that make the difference; it is how we handle them.

Try to measure any difficult issue against the rest of your life to help keep it in perspective. We have many things for which to be grateful and yes we also have many things to learn and overcome. Above all, remember the phrase, ‘this too shall pass’ because it will – sooner or later – the when is up to you.

Have a great few days!

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Enough with the Negativity!

My blog written last week entitled, ‘Stress and the Sexes’ explained the different way long term stress effects men and women. If you are like me the stress of this election year has reached a fever pitch and yet we have over 9 months left to go – that’s a sobering and exhausting thought. Think of it this way, by the time it’s over it will be nearly a year of our lives that will never be regained. How are we going to choose to spend it?

At first listening to every candidate helped me understand what they believed in and would hopefully work for once in office. There were major differences which is understandable. Catching each debate – both Democrat and Republican – seemed like the responsible thing to do as I scratched the dates off my list. Watching the candidates evolve on issues gave me a sense of pride. Yes, some were listening to the folks they talked to along the primary trail and seemed genuinely interested in the opinions of us ‘regular folks.’ Some even went so far as to admit that they alone are not a miracle worker and cannot simply promise to make big things happen in isolation of our Congress. After all we do not live in a dictatorship and our country cannot be run as such. Honesty is inspirational and humility refreshing. We all know that it requires those folks we elected into office from our states working together with a President to get lasting changes for the country. From our recent history we can see what devastating effects emerge when that does not happen.

Early on in the campaigns there was a thread of negative messaging by a few of the would be hopefuls but it has now reached a point of no return. No longer do we hear what a candidate stands for but why someone running against them is incompetent, out of touch, a liar or just plain bad for the country. In other words, the debates and interviews are no longer about what the candidate would do if elected but why we must fear their opponent. Fear seems to be the operative word in this campaign from some of the candidates. Fear is debilitating, depressing and a cheap shot in an attempt to win votes. Have we truly devolved into a culture where character assassination is not only accepted but applauded? The last time I checked dog fights are illegal yet somehow this practice has morphed into the behavior of some of the candidates. When I listen to them I find myself embarrassed by their theatrics.

Will we choose to be motivated to vote from a position of hope or fear? It will be a long election year if fear, hate and discontent continue to emerge as the flavor of this years election cycle. Do we have concerns and serious areas of needed change.. absolutely! The list is quite long actually. Recognizing these needs can be enlightening or overwhelmingly depressing – I choose the former.

It’s always a challenge to look optimistically at whatever life presents us. It takes strength to believe in the possibilities of our tomorrows. Yet, to do so allows us the positive energy to go on. A can do attitude is what formed our country – and a great country it is…maybe it’s time to turn off and tune out the barrage of negative campaign adds, interviews and debates in an attempt to protect our own psyche. Being informed is our right and responsibility in the democracy in which we live. Once we feel we know what the candidates stand for it might be good for our own emotional health to say to ourselves enough – and pick up that good book we are reading or escape to the latest NetFlix movie for real entertainment.

Have a great few days!

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Stress and the Sexes

Sudden stress brings out the fight or flight syndrome in all of us. However, have you ever noticed the difference in the way males and females react to stressful life changing events that are more long term? In the past we may have chalked it up to the frequently used explanation that women are simply more emotional and men more logical in their thinking. But with the significant increase in research on brain function (now in both male and female subjects) we are beginning to understand a much deeper ‘why’ for the differences regarding long term stress. It is not simply mind over matter. At the recent annual meeting of the Society of Neuroscience it was shown that “a common stress hormone triggers different responses in specific brain cells of male and female animals. The differences make females less able than males to adapt to chronic stress.”

Females, often the caregivers for the young, need a heightened stress response to protect their young. The problem, according to researcher Debra Bangasser of Temple University is when this heightened response is “responding for a really long time in a way that becomes disruptive” (and creates a state of constant hyper-readiness).

We may think to ourselves that research findings on animals are one thing but humans quite another until we further read about a series of recent studies on U.S. Adolescents and Adults where it was found that stress plays a role in many disorders that occur more often in women than men. Many of us might think to ourselves, ‘I knew that…’ but the actual extent of this difference is quite surprising. For instance, the lifetime prevalence of stress-related disorders by sex for panic disorders is 6.2% for females and only 3.1% for males. PTSD for females is 9.7% and 3.6 % for males. Females suffer migraines at 18.2% compared to males at 6.5%. Insomnia occurs in 12.9% of females and only 6.2% of males. In fact, of the 11 different areas of stress disorders measured males were higher by percentage than females in only two – alcohol and drug abuse.

The long and short of what I understand is that due to the biological/chemical differences between males and females we react differently to long term stress and that the medications that have been used up to this point to address theses conditions have basically been the same for both sexes.

According to Brain Trainor, a psychologist at the University of California, Davis, “it is only a matter of time” before medications for anxiety and depression need to be formulated differently for men and women to account for biological differences.

Like everything in life, once we understand the why of a situation or condition we respond and think differently. Applause to those researchers who are working to help us reach a deeper, more humane way of understanding human needs.

Have a great few days!

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Be the Change!

Have you ever noticed the immense amount of time, energy and money that people devote in an attempt to make themselves happier, healthier or more or less something? The wealth of books, magazine articles, week-end warrior workshops and therapy sessions available boggles the mind. It seems at least twice a year a new method workshop (usually with a 3 letter title for effect) and a cost of ONLY a few thousand dollars pops up to change your life. Wanting to be in on the latest and greatest thing people then flock to sign up being convinced that they too will experience nirvana. Many of these new approaches tout that they have found the Holy Grail for answers to self improvement and if you just follow their advice or activate the steps in their program you will be effortlessly transformed. This is usually followed up with pictures or videos of people (often celebrities) with smiling faces showing us how perfect their lives have become as they encourage us to follow their example. Not wanting to be left behind we rationalize ….. ‘well, it worked for them’ but did it really? If it were only that easy…

To successfully make a desired life long change requires that we have finally reached a point of not just unhappiness with our present situation but true and complete dissatisfaction with it. In other words it’s like a whole truckload not a small wheelbarrow of dissatisfaction because we know deep down that change is hard and it’s going to require a lot from us. There is no magic wand to make it easy. Only when we accept the fact that we want something so badly that we are willing to put up with the effort to achieve it will we muster the needed strength and follow through to achieve the change we seek. Our thinking begins to change and we no longer accept the existing condition as inevitable but make a conscious decision to recalibrate our thinking, finding a new truth for ourselves to achieve the change we so desire. The real trick is that we have to become sick and tired of being sick and tired before we will actually choose to make a desired change and follow through with it.

Change requires both our emotional and rational mind working together to allow us to understand and accept the why behind the change we want to make and then allow ourselves to feel, visualize and accept why it is warranted. When we have analyzed the why even momentary slip ups are taken in stride. We see and feel the bigger picture and know we will get there. As we begin to see our progress we think to ourselves. ‘I can really do this!’ and it motivates us to continue as greater confidence seems to flow through our veins.

Just think, a new you started when YOU decided, on your own time frame with your own belief, understanding and strength in yourself to do something different with your life. The self help books, workshops or therapy may have served as a motivator or incentive but it was YOU being you that made all the difference. You are both the noun and verb of the mindset and that is powerful!

After we have achieved our goal and arrived at a point of appreciation for the new us we may be tempted to try to convince others of their need to make a similar change (I liken this to a form of proselytizing) but we must remember that timing is everything and that few, if any, people really want to be told what to do. Remember they have not adorned us with the title of Master and Judge in Charge. Yet, through our own attitude and behavior we can serve as a positive example that whatever the mind can believe it can achieve.

Having achieved your desired change, congratulate yourself daily …. you deserve it!

Have a great few days!

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Remember Yourself in the Process!

Have you ever stopped to think about how many times you say ‘yes’ to do something with or for someone and then later think to yourself ‘why in the world did I agree to do it?’ For many of us this scenario has played out throughout our lives and left us frustrated, tired and at times overwhelmed. It’s all those little things that add up over time which can cause resentment and deplete us of energy. We can even predict with a certain degree of accuracy those people who just seem to be able to get us to respond without thinking to their latest need, desire or request.

There is, of course, another group of people who simply refuse to say ‘yes’ to anything and everything that doesn’t personally bring them joy, pleasure or fun. For some of us that last sentence may seem impossible to believe but it’s true. These folks seem to have a built in radar that detects anything that could require their time, energy or money and they quickly decide if it will make them happy. If not….it’s a no go.

Granted these two examples are at opposite ends of the spectrum. But when you look around at people they really do seem to fall into one of these two categories.

The underlying issue – saying ‘yes’ in an effort to please others and make them happy is a never-ending story and one in which you can become the main character for life. This script does not contain moments of appreciation but simply more and more demands – some subtle and some not so subtle.

The funny thing about saying ‘yes’ to make others happy is that it doesn’t really – not in the long haul because their requests overtime become expectations and appreciation slowly fades. They begin to just expect you do to whatever, whenever because you do.

When we find ourselves saying or doing things that our hearts are not really into the energy we give off speaks volumes. It’s not good for either party involved. No one grows as a human being by being a constant taker or for that matter a constant giver. Is it time to change the ‘have to’ in our thinking and move to a mindset of deciding what we ‘want or choose to do?’ People who have mastered this approach to life do not respond with a quick yes to any and all requests but take a little time to think it through and decide if it’s really necessary and if they truly want to comply. Time is our friend in this situation as we begin to train ourselves to analyze the situation before responding.

Maybe the deeper issue is valuing ourselves enough to believe that we really have the right to choose what we want to do and communicate it in a gentle but firm manner. Going along with someone else’s planning or worse yet manipulation for their personal benefit can wear thin. It all comes down to the belief that we deserve to be happy too – and we do!

When someone has a life altering situation and they need us it seems logical to jump in and do all we can in their moment of need. That just seems like the loving, humane thing to do. But not everything in life falls into this category. Let’s try to save up our ‘yes’ for the big items in life and care enough about our own well being and happiness to remember ourselves in the process. As with everything …balance is the key.

Have a great few days!

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We Have a Choice…

Funny thing about how history repeats itself. The 60’s brought us a greater awareness of the need for peace with the familiar chant, ‘Make peace not war,’ an emphasis on the need for greater love for others and even a clothing style that melded the colors of the rainbow into the popular tie-dyed shirts that signaled a relaxed and confident belief in tomorrow.

Like any era the pendulum also swung in the opposite direction with characters such as George Wallace, the Deep South governor of Alabama who wrote a book entitled, “The Politics of Rage.” He went on to run for president (more than once) as he stoked the fires of hate and fear in anyone and everyone who would listen to him. He was against ‘bearded hippies, intellectuals, war protestors, people of color or cultural difference, welfare recipients, civil rights, Washington politicians, the list goes on and on…he was a divider.

For those of us who remember his demeaning comments woven into speeches filled with empty ‘plans or solutions’ to our national issues he was the master of fear, anger and deceit. His one-liners eventually served to unhinge him in the national spotlight and the nation heaved a sigh of relief. The ultimate take away for those of us who lived through that decade was ‘everything in balance’ and ‘love prevails over hate or fear.’

Fast forward to today. Around the world we see pockets of anger, fighting, and destruction as we did in the 60’s. Yet, we also see emerging the importance of greater mindfulness as we live our life. The tie-dyed shirt is once again popular as a symbol of freedom and inclusiveness. But we also hear from a few of the leading political candidates similar demeaning statements and vitriol that attempts to separate and divide us as a nation as we did from Governor Wallace. Their ‘Plans’ (I use the term loosely) proposed to fix the ills of our country by some of the ‘would be presidential’ candidates amount to one liners of simplicity at a time when the complexity of national and world concerns are nearly inconceivable.

Ahh…there’s the seed of the problem… it takes time to understand the depth of any one of the challenges we face and often we choose not to invest it. We turn to an escape movie or entertainment nightly sequel or grab our phones to send one more text to someone. I get not having the time or energy left at the end of a busy workday to invest in understanding sticky, complex issues. I understand that many of our world problems can make our brains hurt when we try to analyze them. But what I can’t accept is allowing ourselves to be swayed by a comical or puritanical snake oil salesman that dismisses any and every challenge with one liners that elementary students would recite out of pure ignorance.

History does have a way of repeating itself. Let’s hope that as Americans we will remember the lessons learned from the 60’s and once again rise to the challenge of choosing someone who can unite us as we wrestle with what the future holds. It will be a wild and bumpy ride. We need someone at the helm who is knowledgeable, calm, mature and truly interested in making our nation and the world a safer more inviting place. Someone who is brave enough to admit that there are no easy, simplistic answers to anything. A person who believes in the spirit that founded our country…hard work, caring for our fellow man and a belief that we are blessed to be in a country where each individual is valued and has demonstrated those values in their lives.

Have a great few days!

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Being Authentic is the Key!

Leah Remini the successful actor from the T.V. series, King of Queens writes in her memoir ‘TroubleMaker’ the importance of being authentic. She stresses this after her 30 plus years in the Scientology religion. She experienced constant monitoring and redirection which ultimately resulted with the label of “Suppressive Person” because she raised questions about some of the church’s actions. In addition to the tremendous personal cost of belonging the material cost for membership in this religion (thousands for the ‘average joe’ or millions for celebrities) for the constant classes, auditing and redirection is shocking. The ultimate goal of ‘clearing the planet’ – reads like a scary science fiction novel.

Dictates, ultimatums and control are methods of brainwashing that happen over time when we lose our voice and allow someone – anyone – or organization – to act as judge and jury for our own personal lives. When we stop thinking and simply follow the loudest voice or most empassioned speech it reduces us to mere cogs in a wheel – devoid of the uniqueness that each of us were born to experience. Ultimately, we are rendered helpless waiting to be told rather than seeking our own truth.

No one walks in our shoes or on our exact path. It’s up to each of us to discover our own truth. It takes work to figure ourselves out – a lifetime really – I get it – but it may actually be easier that we think. When we listen to our inner voice – our intuition – and recognize what truly gives us peace, joy and happiness we have discovered our own golden nugget of authenticity.

As Steve Jobs once said, “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Throughout the book the word hypocrisy screams at the reader. Formal education (past middle school), investigating topics on the Internet, or reading opposing viewpoints are all taboo according to church ‘policy.’ When we look around at other religions in our world with extreme views there seems to be a constant theme … ‘follow and don’t question.’ Really? It seems to me if something or someone is that all knowing they would want their beliefs to see the light of day. Not so. It reminded me of the crass saying about women in the 50’s, ‘keep ’em barefoot and pregnant’ in order to control them. We all know how well that worked out. Anytime we are lead to believe that there is only one way of doing, thinking and being it is time to run not walk to the closest exit.

We can learn from anyone – both what to do and not do – when we are courageous enough to think, feel and be our authentic self. As Remini concludes in her book, “what is true for you is true because you yourself have observed it to be true.”

The beauty of life is that we can take bits and pieces of our experiences and weave them together into a beautiful blanket of truth that feels right for us. There will be some threads of experiences that we may choose to discard – that’s okay. When we have the courage to ignore the personal judgments of others and break free of any artificial boundaries set up to contain us rather than celebrate us we begin to live an authentic life and it is beautiful.

Have a great few days!

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The Miracle of the Season

Christmas is five days away! What happened to the time…to the year? We have all lived through blessings, challenges and opportunities this year. Some have caused us to grow beyond our wildest imaginings while others have caused us to make mid course corrections and adapt to new life changes. What we do know is that all were intended…all were for the purpose of self growth. As we run around feverishly picking up the last present at the store (or the mailbox for our online shoppers) let’s remember the unconditional love of the season – and keep it foremost in our hearts. Christmas brings out the best in all of us as we reflect on a few simple truths such as…

Friends and family without them our lights would not shine quite as brightly. If someone is struggling now is the time to go the extra mile to show them we care. Random acts of kindness can be a lifeline to another especially at this time of year.

Health – although we may be doing well it’s important to remember that for some fellow travelers health issues may be a challenge. They need our understanding. Regardless of our condition each of us wants to be treated with dignity and respect and seen as a capable human being. Everyone has the capacity to make a positive difference until our last breath – and beyond.

Opportunities – when we review what we have faced this year some things might not have gone as planned. We may have run into some difficulty with others. As Desmond Tutu tells us that ‘forgiveness is nothing less than the way to heal the world’ one person at a time. Let’s heal it together.

Joy – we can see it everywhere. The smiles, the hugs, the laughter of others helps us to remember – all is good with the world – and we see it clearly when we stop long enough to breathe deeply and live in the present.

Gratitude – it brings light into our lives and makes our life lessons easier when we appreciate what we have and maintain a mindset of ‘YES.’ It gives us strength and enthusiasm to face our tomorrows.

Our loved ones who have passed on left us with an incredible gift – unconditional love. Let’s pass it on to others and change the world.

For today, next week and next year – we can choose to remember the feelings we have at this time of year and decide – right here right now – to continue this unconditional love and appreciation for our life and those who are in it. Life really is good, our cups really are full and everything will work out just as it’s suppose to … it just takes a little faith in the miracle of life here on planet Earth.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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Stop Worrying!

Have you ever met someone who seems to have nothing but good luck or conversely nothing but bad luck? We may wonder to ourselves, ‘how do things continually happen that way to them?’ The truth is that these folks simply expect things to happen in a certain way and sure enough they do. Think of the difference between an optimist and a pessimist. One sees the cup as half-full and the other half-empty. Same amount just different perspectives. Their energy is either increased or decreased by the feelings and perceptions that they are allowing themselves to generate.

To become happier in life it takes a bit of work, a bit of focus and a belief that you deserve to be happy. Let’s start with your belief. Do you feel you have the right to be happy? We are all here to learn lessons but nowhere is it written that our lessons need to crush us or stop us in our tracks. When a challenge presents itself we can either perseverate on it and cause it to become bigger and more pervasive with thoughts such as ‘This always happens to me’ or we can recognize it for what it is … a MOMENTARY setback and decide on a course of action. When we are actively working on solving an issue the weight of our emotional baggage becomes lighter. We are being proactive rather than reactive. Making a list can help. It slows down our thinking and helps us gain control of our overactive emotions and imagination.

Recognizing that challenges happen to everyone and that we have not been personally set up by a force bigger than ourselves to be the fall guy for anything and everything in life helps to keep things in perspective. It’s NOT PERSONAL. You do not have an inherent flaw that causes negative issues to surface in your life. The only personal part is the time you choose to spend either worrying about it or developing a plan to address it. The more you worry the greater the challenge becomes due to the negative energy you are drawing to you. Worry doesn’t work but a plan does – is it time to write one?

We get out of life what we consciously and subconsciously expect – nothing more and nothing less. The energy in a simple thought reverberates out to the Universe like a magnet which then attracts more of the same back to us. Change our thinking and we change our life.

We have the power to create the world we want and it starts with our thoughts, words and actions. Happy people were not simply born that way they just learned early on that when confronted with a challenge address it and move on – no worry, no drama just action.

Have a great few days!

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A Charity Worth Supporting!

It’s that time of year again and for those of us who still go to the malls rather than exclusively shop on line for Christmas gifts we often see the suspended red buckets and hear the tinkling bell by the folks who brave the weather while encouraging us to drop in our loose change to help the needy during this yearly fundraising effort. Since we have heard of some charitable organizations who have high overheard costs we may wonder if the money we put in the buckets actually ends up going to those less fortunate. The answer for this organization is a resounding YES! (To check this out further – or any other ‘fact’ or rumor regarding a wealth of topics go to Snopes.com as your fact-checker. It’s a great information equalizer!

The Salvation Army sponsors the Kettle Campaign which starts in November and ends on Christmas Eve. It is their main income stream and raises 70% of the yearly dollars needed to support food distribution, meal programs, shelters, emergency assistance and even Christmas toys for the underprivileged children in our communities. Nearly all of the bell ringers are volunteers. The charity does occasionally hire people in some areas of the country where there is a scarcity of volunteers. Typically these folks are from homeless shelters who are down on their luck. They may have few marketable skills but have a desire to work and help themselves. Look into their eyes and you will see people who have dealt with immeasurable struggles in life but are trying. To further clarify the process the red donation buckets are only opened and the collection counted by an employee when it is returned back to the main center in the evening. Knowing this information should help us feel more confident when deciding whether to reach into our pockets and dig a bit deeper. This organization is the real deal and does amazing things for people in need. What it doesn’t do well is advertise. Why? Because advertising costs money! (Maybe there is something to be said of charitable organizations who can afford to advertise continually!) Let’s help the Salvation Army by sharing this information about them with others.

The topic of charitable donations is a challenging one. In a recent study by Slovic published by ‘Frontiers in Psychology’ the data indicated that we are psychologically motivated (akin to being mentally wired) to help only one person at a time and that our compassion seems to fade when even two or more people are involved! Following this logic, getting people to give to an anonymous bell ringer becomes even more of a challenge. Maybe a ‘Thank you for your effort’ and a smile from us to them is in order as we drop our donations into their small red buckets.

The irony of Slovic’s finding is that other research has repeatedly shown that the giver – the compassionate person in life – is ultimately a happier individual compared to the person who just wants more for themselves. This latter group are easily recognized …they quickly dismiss any charitable donation with the statement, ‘They’re all alike….the money doesn’t really go to the needy etc. etc.’ The rest of us see right through their statements as simply excuses to hold on tightly to what they have – rather like Ebenezer Scrooge before he saw the light! A person with even a modicum of caring for others finds reasons to give rather than reasons to turn away. Their humanity proceeds them as they smile their way into tomorrow. We can recognize them a mile away as they offer a hand up to others.

The next time we hear the sound of the ringing bell let’s personalize it by thinking of someone we know or even someone we have seen on the street that looked like they needed a good hot meal (Tiny Tim comes to mind) and visualize our donation going to them. The Universe has a way of putting our intent into action. Our coins or dollars will flow more freely and we’ll be happier from the inside out as the miracle of Christmas – the sharing and caring – magnifies.

Have a great few days!

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