Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Archive for the ‘General’ Category

Are You Your Own Worst Critic?

Many of us have watched the Academy Awards, or read movie or T.V. reviews recently. In each example a judgment was placed on such things as value, truth, beauty, effort or technique. These judgments were made by critics – people who express an unfavorable opinion of something. The word critic is actually derived from the Greek word for ‘judge.’ We seem to have an over abundance of critics in life who judge everything. It is any wonder why many of us have taken up this behavior and use it on ourselves and others.

When we look inward and are honest with ourselves we find that we are our own worst critic. It goes something like this…’I should have’ or … ‘I’m not this or that enough’ the list goes on ad infinitum. What we don’t realize is that the more critical and judgmental we are with ourselves the more we are doomed to repeat more of the same. By constantly criticizing ourselves we are replaying the record in our heads of disappointment and dissatisfaction with who were are as human beings. Since we know that the Universe delivers to us what is foremost in our thinking we will continue to repeat the behavior that we find most troublesome but with even greater and greater frequency. Eventually, we may even fall prey to the ultimate negative thought, ‘What’s the use I will always be …’

Is it possible that you may have become emotionally addicted to seeing yourself in a negative light? Check it out by listening to your own thinking. How often are you putting yourself down? Does it seem to come naturally to you? If so, when is enough enough? The answer is quite simple really. When self criticism begins to infect and reflect your overall thinking pattern it’s time for a change. Like everything in life it is the amount of time we allow ourselves to rehash something that determines if it’s a productive or unproductive behavior.

What if you decided today, right here and now, to use self reflection in a more productive way – one that can positively effect your behavior. Start by consciously listening to what you are telling yourself about a recent issue that didn’t turn out as well as you would have preferred. If you are beating yourself up over the outcome, is it helping? Probably not. Once you accept the fact that negative breeds negative you are ready to redirect your thinking. Now think about what you could have done to achieve a more productive outcome. Each time you start to put yourself down about either what actually happened or what you ‘should’ have done just think about what would have been a better approach and say to yourself, ‘THE NEXT TIME I INTEND TO …’ and LET IT GO. What you are actually doing is giving your subconscious mind a job or goal to work on. The next time a similar issue surfaces your mind will work to apply the new response. We know that setting goals generates positive energy and when we tell ourselves, ‘The next time I intend to…’ our minds work to deliver the change to us. This approach may take a bit of time to internalize but by consistently practicing this type of redirected thought you are inserting into your thinking a plan to improve something about your self WITHOUT JUDGMENT. It becomes a positive rather than a negative approach for change – and it works!

Life is a journey of self discovery. Like any journey we can’t start at the end but must take each step along the way to arrive at our destination. When we discover a better path to our destination it behooves us to follow it. Redirecting our thoughts with a new habit of positive intent just makes the journey a lot more enjoyable along the way.

Have a great few days!

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Speak Up and Change the World!

Changing our minds and hearts occurs when we take the time to understand something more deeply – to walk for a moment in another’s shoes. We know when such a change is real because the person has nothing to gain politically or economically but much to gain emotionally. These type of changes give us hope that as human beings truth will ultimately prevail as we strive for fairness and equality for all.

Michael Bowers, the former Attorney General for the state of Georgia, notoriously known for his anti-gay credentials, epitomized such a change of mind and heart this week. While occupying that office in the ’80’s he upheld laws that discriminated against gays. However, recently he spoke out against newly proposed legislation in Georgia that would allow personal religious faith to be used to justify discrimination of those same groups. At 73 years young he gives us hope that positive change is possible regardless of age or standing. Since he is still viewed as a powerful and respected Republican, long after his 16 year stint as the top legal mind in his state, we can believe in the adage, ‘Hope springs eternal.’

When interviewed regarding his change of position on gay rights he said simply, “I know I’m different. I’m not as mean as I used to be” and he expressed regret for the pain he had caused in the past. We have to admire a person who comes forth publicly, to shout to the world, ‘I was wrong and want to correct my error in thinking.’ I want to make things right.’

There will come a day when the remaining states will join the existing 36 and support the right for gays to marry. Mr. Bowers willingness to speak out about his change of understanding and position regarding what constitutes discrimination will have a positive effect on the when and where of it all.

For a culture that often believes that the younger among us have a hold on truth and accomplishment this statement by a former Attorney General can move mountains among his peers – a group that was raised during a time when exclusion was valued over inclusion and fear reigned supreme. His statements will serve as a lighthouse of truth that will shine through for others to find their way to a deeper knowing that the Universe doesn’t make mistakes. In our hearts we know that everyone has the right to live free of discriminatory practices but it will take all of us, regardless of age, to be brave enough to speak out and promote this truth.

Our opinions or biases were formed from scant information often heard around the family’s kitchen table as we were growing up. But when something continues to niggle at us and seems to confront those beliefs it is time to reassess why we believe as we do. Then the wiser among us will choose to challenge those biases and opinions by seeking to understanding more deeply the rest of the story. Let’s make a commitment to join the ranks of this later group and continually seek to understand while keeping in mind the importance of the age old statement, ‘Judge not lest ye be judged.’

Have a great few days!

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Determine Your Patterns!

‘What has become clearer to you since we last met?’ Albert Einstein was known for asking friends and acquaintances this question when greeting them. The beauty and depth of the question cannot be overstated. Everyday we have the opportunity to expand our awareness and experience base in the physical, mental, emotional or spiritually area. We can discover more about ourselves and others through observation and personal reflection. But, you might asked, ‘What’s the purpose? Why go through those gyrations – I have enough to think about just getting through the day.’ Ahh yes…and our life dramas continue.

The ‘why’ is quite simple really. The more you learn about yourself and those you are close to – the easier and more meaningful the journey. For those who work at developing greater self awareness throughout their lives they become more empowered to handle what ever comes their way.

The more we know about ourselves the better equipped we are to handle life’s ups and downs. We begin to accept that each of us is challenged by a range of different things – relationships, feelings of insecurity, fear of risk taking – just to name a few. One thing’s for sure, everyone experiences challenges as part of the human condition – life it is an equal opportunity employer! Some have just figured out how to maximize their learning and minimize the time involved in the pursuit. They have done this by determining their own unique patterns of behavioral response and plan accordingly.

On going self reflection allows us to better understand why we react in certain ways. We all have hot buttons that can send us into orbit. Later we often blame ourselves for ‘losing it.’ The question then is once we realize our pattern of response to a typical circumstance what do we plan to do differently the next time a similar thing happens? If we simply react the same way as in the past that’s self defeating – basically we haven’t learned a thing from the challenge. True to form then, the Universe will continue to present the same basic lesson to us, albeit in a different context, until we get it. It is said that the Universe first whispers, then talks and eventually shouts to get our attention.

Doesn’t it just make sense to work at knowing ourselves deeply enough that we can recognize an upcoming touchy situation for what it is and proactively develop a plan to respond to it? Once we change our previous emotional response to something more productive the rest is history. We feel more in control and more confident to face the challenges of tomorrow.

The response then to Einstein question would be ‘I learned — about myself and this deeper understanding will enable me to respond more confidently in the future.

Have a great few days!

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Conditional Love is Never Enough

Have you ever heard someone say that their love for another was simply not enough? How can that be we wonder? It sounds ludicrous to the untrained ear yet when we listen more deeply we hear a love that was conditional – based on making someone else happy and meeting their needs. Eventually, it becomes apparent that it is a fool’s journey.

But we may think that if we really love someone we would want to make them happy, satisfy their desires or shield them from pain. Yet, when we are in a constant state of ‘doing ‘ for them we are actually impeding their own growth as human beings as well as our own. We have become simply a host organism that provides emotional, psychological and physical nourishment to someone with an insatiable appetite. Eventually exhaustion sets in.

For those of us who have perfected the art of being a people pleaser we may rush in where fools fear to tread to help, assist and even rescue someone from themselves. Eventually, the label of people pleaser looses its shine and we come to the stark realization that we have been important to others and valued by them for what we do – not for who we are – that’s conditional love and it hurts. Is it time to love yourself enough to say gently but firmly, ‘enough – if it’s going to be it’s up to you…not me.’

There are other forms of love. The highest being what the ancient Greeks called Agape or unconditional love. This love does not need, seek or expect. It’s much deeper than mere physical attraction. It does not depend on anything – it simply is … It’s the type of love that encourages others to grow and is big enough to move out of the way so that lessons can be learned in their own way and time. It’s not swayed by time or circumstance and cannot be bought or sold. It is Universal love. The kind that gives energy to us and envelopes us with a confident knowing that we are on the right path.

Unconditional love is an inside job. It must start inside ourselves first with a strong sense of self esteem and confidence before it can authentically radiate out to others. The question to ask ourselves is, do we love ourselves conditionally or unconditionally? A huge but critical thing to ask because we know deep in our hearts that conditional love is never enough.

Have a great few days!

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Beyond Silence There Is Communication

Many of you have emailed me after reading my book, ‘Just Behind The Door,’ to tell me how the book affected your life. For that I am grateful. My intent was to share the experience of losing a loved one – my son- and what I learned from the subsequent decade of communication that has followed. The most important goal in writing it was to offer hope to others that our loved ones may be gone physically but their energy – their spirit – lives on and WE CAN reconnect with them – of that I am certain.

In another email received this week Linda writes, ‘ my mind was open (but since my son’s death) I have closed myself off from the other side. In the last year I have been thinking about opening up that door of belief but I’m a little scared. But because of your book I’m willing to try to open the door again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.’

Losing a loved takes our breath away. Life no longer holds meaning as we become lost in our grief. Yet, we are expected to heal and go on. Our minds know this but we can’t seem to communicate it to our broken hearts. I understand – I have walked the walk.

When we read about how others have attempted to cope with their grief in can give us hope that we will eventually make it through what is truly the most devastating experience possible. If you know of anyone who might need help in dealing with their grief please consider giving them my book, ‘Just Behind The Door.’ It might just serve as a lifeline for them when they need it most. This poem says it all…

If you look with your head and heart you will see:
Beyond chaos, there is reason
Beyond darkness, there is light
Beyond absence, there is presence
Beyond nothingness, there are infinite possibilities
Beyond pain, there is healing
Beyond brokenness, there is wholeness
Beyond anger, there is peace
Beyond indifference, there is connection
Beyond boxes, there is infinity
Beyond questions, there are answers
Beyond silence, there is communication
With communication, there is love, light and peace.

In gratitude to Linda and all of you who have taken the time to email me – I thank you.

Have a great few days!

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You Can Do It!

We all experience some days that are just easier than others. Those days when everything goes as planned energizes us. When we take a couple of minutes as we are falling asleep to reflect on the things that we were able to accomplish we say, ‘Yes!’ ‘Today was a good day!’ But when things seem to go awry and our Plan A has had to be changed to Plan B, C or even D how do we respond? Do we allow ourselves to be overcome with fear or thoughts that life just isn’t fair? Do we allow ourselves to get into a negative mindset of expecting more and more problems to surface? We all know how effective that mindset is – right? It can stop us in our tracks! What can we do to shake us out of a negative mindset? After all, we know deep down that what we think about most often will be delivered right back to us from the Universe with bells on. When the going gets tough it’s time to evaluate our thinking and remember the power we have had in the past to overcome.

We would all like to live a life of peace, comfort and joy but the reality is that we are, in fact, a work in progress. The challenges we have in life allow us to grow in confidence and appreciation of our own strength. We learn that we can face whatever comes along and learn from it once we decide to keep our grip on the present issues and not generalize them to encompass our entire being. In other words keeping perspective and not allowing ourselves to perseverate on the issues is so important. Just make a plan – an approach – on how to get through the latest issue and do it! Mulling over and over in our minds what seems to be going wrong is not healthy or productive. Let’s look at a more productive approach.

The first step is to take a moment to reflect on what we have to be grateful for – there are many things we have been able to do with our lives to date. We have had many more moments of success and happiness than challenges. If it doesn’t seem so at the moment, just check your own track record. It stands for itself. Remember the times when you didn’t think you could take any more and almost magically things seemed to turn around? You demonstrated the strength to persevere against all odds and won! Remember those times. They will give you the strength to carry on. The latest challenges at hand are something you will get through – one step at a time – when you keep your eyes straight ahead on your goals.

Clarity about what you do want (NOT about what you DON’T WANT) is the critical next step. What do you really want to accomplish? What do you want to become? Where do you want to be in the next year or in the next five years? Write 3 to 5 goals down and read them daily. By doing so you are actually attracting the positive energy to make your dreams happen. When you discipline yourself to take the time to write these goals down it gives you the energy, the fuel, to overcome even the most difficult situations that occur along the way because you will remember your vision or purpose for your life. Many people have heard about writing their goals down but sadly very few actually do so. Less than 10% of people take the time to write their goals out -they are the winners in life because they have discovered the secret of manifesting what they want. They use the fuel of the Universe to help them get there. You can join this group – all it takes is a piece of paper and 15 minutes of your time.

You are capable of overcoming any obstacle in life. Just remember any obstacle is a temporary condition. Don’t let it define you or stop you from achieving your goals. You are living proof that you have the strength and tenacity to get through even the most difficult situation. The adage, ‘If it’s going to be it’s up to me,’ is true. Remember your heritage. You have examples of loved ones or friends in your life who persevered against all odds and won. They would expect nothing less of you.

The beauty of our lives is that no one – absolutely no one – can rob us of a belief in ourselves and our ability to create the life we truly want to have – we are too powerful! Regardless of how many challenges we face we will make it through – of that I am certain.

Have a great few days!

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Are You a ‘Fixer in Charge?’

Lending a hand, occasionally, to help others in time of need is important. After all, we find joy and reward in knowing that we have been instrumental in helping someone through a crisis. As with everything in life the ultimate issue is one of balance. At some point we might have to evaluate our efforts and decide how much time or emotional and financial support we are offering. Is it still enabling them to grow and become all they can be or has our involvement become so frequent that they now rely on us to solve their next problem or guide their next step. It’s so hard for givers to accept the reality that it may be time to back off and let someone that they care for experience the stress and challenge of their own circumstance. But when we are strong enough to stop ‘fixing’ we’ll see them experience the ultimate pride and self confidence that comes from wrestling with and overcoming their latest issue.

Life is tough and each of us has had to face a boat load of challenges and uncertainties. Some may have temporarily stopped us in our tracks. What caused us to persevere and learn resiliency in the process? Could it have been that help was no longer available or we chose to work it out ourselves by thinking ‘if it’s going to be it’s up to me?’

As givers we feel good inside when we see relief spread over the face of an individual we care about. Yet, we really do know intuitively when we are contributing to a person’s growth and when we have morphed into the role of an emotional or financial crutch. When we are brutally honest with ourselves we can admit when our ‘hand up’ has become a pattern or been reduced to simply a ‘hand out.’ It may be easier to say ‘Yes’ yet much more powerful to accept it when it is time to say ‘Enough.’

Maybe the lesson in all of this is actually ours. After all you can’t blame someone for continuing to ask or rely on you if you have established the pattern of being the ‘fixer in charge.’ We may even try to trick ourselves into believing that ‘they didn’t actually ask but we simply offered.’ Really? There are a multitude of ways to ask without verbalizing it. Taken to an extreme we may even justify our help by saying we have more or we can work harder to help ‘this time.’ But maybe – just maybe – we are unwittingly eroding their belief in themselves and causing them to become dependent on us.

Could it be that true love and caring for another is shown when we recognize if a defeating behavioral habit has been established and are strong enough to stop being complicit? It’s hard to break this habit of being there, continual giving or even rescuing someone we care about yet don’t we owe it to them?

Ultimate caring results when we are presented with an issue by someone we care about and rather than jumping in to fix it we ask them, simply and gently, ‘What is your plan?’ We show them that we have confidence in their ability to overcome. That’s heady stuff! Don’t expect to be able to do this the first time without feeling guilty. Breaking the habit of being the ‘fixer in charge’ is difficult. We may even wonder if they will ultimately hold it against us. That’s always a risk but if you love them – truly love them – set them free to experience their own trials and tribulations in life. If they come back to you it will be with a new found pride of accomplishment and resiliency in themselves that will last a lifetime.

Letting go of the fixing habit is hard but holding on past an expiration date is not healthy for anyone concerned.

Have a great few days!

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Appreciate the Challenges!

The feeling of appreciation and gratitude is the highest vibration we can give out to the Universe. Knowing that what we give out we get back double fold can you just imagine how our own happiness level would skyrocket if we made it a point to practice those feelings daily? Sometimes it takes work to put ourselves in a higher vibrational state. Challenges occur for all of us on a daily basis. Yet, some people can look at an issue confronting them and keep it in perspective by remembering all the other things they have for which to be grateful. What causes a person to be able to view life from such a positive position of gratitude? Did they just have an easier life?

Believe it or not, the research is clear, the folks that constantly offer a more positive take on things have not had an easy life. They did not have all the money, comfort or opportunities that we might first assume. They are the people who have endured loss, disappointment and other major life challenges yet realize, deep down that they will overcome. They intuitively know that everything happens for a purpose and it’s usually for the lesson. This belief empowers them to have faith in tomorrow and their own ability to handle whatever comes along. Overcoming the many challenges they’ve had in life has caused them to develop more confidence – a stronger sense of self. They have learned the power to endure – against all odds- which an easier life simply would not have provided.

Conversely when we read about the children of wealthy or famous people who have all the money and opportunities possible we often see individuals who are unhappy, depressed and unproductive. Why? They have never had to face the trials and tribulations in life that would have caused them to develop greater personal strength. Often these individuals look for ways to escape reality through artificial means and the longer they live the more they up the ante for more elaborate escape mechanisms. If we were to able to have an honest discussion with them and ask them how happy they are in their own skin their response would be so sad it would stop us in our tracks. We would wonder to ourselves how they could possibly feel badly given everything that has been given to them. Ah… and there’s the crux of the matter… the more we are given the less we appreciate it and the less we believe in our own personal strength and abilities.

We have the ability – right here right now – to change our lives by changing our perspective. Life is fair regardless of how difficult it is at times. We can become more confident, positive individuals when we grab whatever is thrown at us and believe that we will make it through – maybe a bit bruised but none-the-less whole and ultimately better than ever!

Have a great few days!

Have a great few days!

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Achieve Greater Happiness in Life!

If you were to rank how happy you are with your life right now on a scale of 1-10 (with 1 being totally unhappy and 10 being very happy) what would be your number? Really think about it before you assign a number. We may say we want greater happiness in our life but then the question surfaces – what are we are doing to achieve it? As simple as it may sound it really is in the way we choose to view life. When we decide to focus on the positives in our life it helps us achieve a belief system of possibilities. It causes us to see in color rather than black and white. Positive energy is like the Energizer Bunny because it attracts more of the same to us and just doesn’t seem to run out.

Some may delude themselves into thinking they need something else – a person, place or thing to achieve greater happiness in their life. As intriguing as a new car, house, or relationship may sound they are not the answer. Happiness is not a result of acquiring more but recognizing how fortunate we are every day to be alive and able to make our little place in the world a bit better. By practicing gratitude for what we have on a daily basis we become happier, better adjusted individuals. The truth is that at this moment you have everything you will ever need to be your happiest self because it really is an inside job.

Think about the topic of happiness a different way by trying this one on for size, ‘being happy is simple, being unhappy is complicated.’ It really does take more energy and effort to perseverate on something that caused us unhappiness. Some of us let our negative emotions persist longer than is necessary or certainly healthy. To stay angry, resentful or unhappy about anything in our life takes emotional effort. In this state our bodies actually produce chemicals in our brains that match our emotions which can effect our health long term. Is it worth it? To make matters worse often our memories may even add implications to the situations that never even existed! That is what’s meant by making a mountain out of a molehill. When we stop resurrecting the incident it is impossible to stay angry or negative for more than a few minutes.

Think about the last time you were really bothered about something. It was exhausting right? When our minds work overtime to remember an unhappy situation we are actually stealing time away from living today. Each of us has a finite amount of time on this earth. Does it make sense to waste even a moment remembering something that caused us stress or unhappiness? It happened, it’s over and time to move on. You are too important to this world to waste a moment of your time in what was – better to move on to a place of what could be in the future.

When we decide to develop a habit of positive thinking both our physical and mental health improves and just think… it all starts when we start to practice gratitude.

Have a great few days!

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Are You Happy in Your Own Skin?

Have you ever met someone who just seemed to be happy in their own skin? It’s a wonderful thing to see isn’t it? What do they think or do differently that causes this level of confidence and happiness? I have noticed a few common traits among them that are worth considering. I’m sure you could add to this list.

These folks:

realize that life is not supposed to make them happy – that’s their job

understand that they are the genuine article – individual and special in every way

seem aware of the importance of ongoing growth of body, mind and spirit

breathe in each moment – observing and feeling more deeply then processing it all for the betterment of self and others

have learned to let let go of the ‘should haves, could haves and if onlys’ in life

realize that there is something much more powerful than themselves

never give up and are willing to regroup, rethink and redo when necessary

refuse to blame others for situations or issues and quickly accept their part in making it better

are willing to lend a hand up but not simply a hand out to others

realize the powerful difference between sympathy and empathy

find joy in the accomplishments of others

understand that ‘if happiness is to be it’s up to me!’

don’t seek applause for a job well done but with a deep seated confidence realize what they are capable of and just go about doing it

motivate us by their presence and celebrate with us as we live our life

are a joy to be around and quick to encourage us to stretch ourselves at ever juncture

remember the importance of gratitude for who they are and what they can do to make this world a little better place

We can practice these attributes and become happier in our skins. The amazing thing is that we have the power to join this unique club at any time in our lives. It’s something to think about!

Have a great few days!

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