Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘loss’

Verbalizing your Feelings

Every once in a while I read something that just touches my heart and seems to beg to be shared. Finding a trusted family member or friend to talk to can lightened your load and make tomorrow a little easier. The following has been written by Devorah Zolotarev a gifted poet. I have taken the liberty to shorten it by not repeating all of the stanzas. The message in her writing remains intact – the importance of trusting yourself and others enough to verbalize your true feelings.

If I would let myself tell you
Where I’ve come and gone
How far I have run
Where I now stand
You could tell me you understand

If I would let myself tell you
About my hidden, darkened fears
My struggles through the years
My joy of breaking through
Then maybe you could help me
Continue what I do

If I would let myself tell you
Of the battles in my heart
What shatters me apart
How fragile I can be
Then maybe you could help me
Escape and just be free

If I would let myself tell you
Why I struggle with each word
How I’m scared of being heard
That I wish I could let go
Then maybe you could help me
Because then you would know

If I would let myself tell you
Than all this could disappear
Then you’d see me crystal clear
Then at least my tears would flow
Just maybe, maybe now
I’ll allow you to know

Have a great few days!

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Communicate Through Love

Messages come in many different forms and sources. In my book, Just Behind the Door, I share the messages that I have received for over a decade from my son, mother and sister on the other side. Have you ever experienced this type of communication? If you haven’t, I can tell you that it brings a peace – a knowing – to your life like none other. Gone are the questions and angst of ‘what could I have done to prevent this from having happened.’ Explaining this to someone who hasn’t experienced it is difficult, maybe even impossible, but worth the try. After all, we are here to make ourselves and our world a little better.To me that means helping others move through the stages of grief and bewilderment and into a deeper knowing that, as hard as it is to accept, the Universe doesn’t make mistakes. All is as it should be.

I have found it takes two things to be able to receive messages from our loved ones. Trust in something bigger than ourselves and letting go of the need to control. When you think about it the issues of trust and control are really different sides of the same coin. R. Bach described the ability to trust beautifully.

A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such a speed,
It feels an impulse…this is the place to go now.
But the sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds,
And you will know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.

If you have lost a loved one and are aching to reconnect, I would suggest that you begin meditating – even 15 minutes a day – to get yourself into the higher vibrational energy of the Universe. Think of it this way, being in a physical body we are weighed down and our signal is weaker- similar to an AM radio frequency. Our loved ones, in spiritual form, are now on an FM frequency. To hear their messages we need to be on the same frequency. It’s up to us to learn how to focus more deeply through meditation to open the channels of communication.

There are also many gifted mediums who can help make the connections for us. I mentioned a special person in my book. She is available if you are ready. Just email me at maryleiker1@mac.com and I will give you her contact information. Your life will never be the same.

My son told me the reason I was supposed to write this book was to let people know that after the physical death the spiritual connection continues because of the unconditional love we have for each other. There is no question in my mind that their energy is around us and we can receive messages from them. They want us to be happy and at peace knowing that they fulfilled their life’s purpose.

Have a great few days!

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Turn Your Kaleidoscope!

Tomorrow really is the first day of the rest of your life. It is a day that will be as open to opportunities and as resilient as you are – no more no less. When you think about it there will never be another day just like it. Relish in both the big and small things of tomorrow and they will give you greater strength and confidence as you create memories to last a lifetime. Waste the day thinking about the ‘whys’ and ‘if onlys’ and it will be gone forever. Just another day marked off the calendar of your life.

Many of the issues that affect the way we look at our lives began so early – even before we had the verbal skills to understand them – that we may just think it is natural to look at life from a perspective of fear, dissatisfaction, or lack. As we experience further trials and tribulations our life challenges begin to weigh us down and we may start believing that life is unfair, unjust or simply a burden to get through. Look at the faces of those you come in contact with and you will clearly see their perspective on life. Look in the mirror and you will know what you are telling others about your perspective on life.

If you think of your life as the pieces of glass inside a kaleidoscope, you simply need to turn the cylinder, ever so slightly, to let in more light energy. To see more colors in the spectrum. Positive thought and intentions are the light, the reflectors of your tomorrows.

All of us have lived through times in our lives that have stopped us in our tracks. Death, divorce, separation, basically any kind of loss can cause us to become fearful or anxious about what might – the operative word here is MIGHT- happen tomorrow. In reality, however, we all get our share of challenges and hurts. The test in life is how we allow those things to color our tomorrows. Are you ready to turn the kaleidoscope and put your past hurts behind you and see a more positive tomorrow?

Once you consciously choose to turn the kaleidoscope, slightly, allowing you to see the vibrant colors of possibilities and abundance, the Universe will deliver – of that I am sure. The choice is always up to you. Will you decide to simply get through another day or will you give it all you’ve got for the tomorrow that will only come around once in your life? As we know, the choice is always up to us.

Have a great few days!

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Success Is Change!

Success in our lives can be defined by asking three questions. What is truly important to us – what makes our blood pump a little faster? What do we find most difficult to handle (the things that make us anxious or our stomachs churn)? And what do we hold sacred in our hearts – the most important things without which we would not want to be here? These are big questions to think about and even bigger to answer. The closer you can get to the truth of who you really are and what you want your life to stand for the closer you are to achieving your own true success. That is all the Universe asks of us, to be true to ourselves and our prebirth agreement.

As we start the new year, I have found it helpful to reflect on these questions and honestly determine accomplishments, lessons learned and even more importantly, lessons yet to be learned. Doing so is both exciting and humbling. It seems like there is never a shortage of lessons. Ultimately, it all boils down to working on the personal challenges involved in accepting the changes we are faced with in life.

When we look at the challenge of the ultimate change in our life involving loss, there was something we needed to learn from it. As hard as the loss was it enabled us to learn important lessons. It may seem impossible, at first, to reach a deeper understanding. It is there, I promise you, just be brave and continue to search. What do you now place greater value on since experiencing the loss?

Loss comes in many forms. A death, of course, is the biggest challenge, the real show stopper. However, any change we experience in life brings, at first, a feeling of loss. My last blog was on the steps we go through when we experience change and loss. You might want to go back to the archive section on this website and review those steps, maybe even print them.

As part of the human race we are much more alike than different in our human emotions. We all experience insecurity, denial, anger, fear, acceptance and love. That’s why these steps are so predictable, the length of time we spend in each step is the human variable. We can find reassurance in knowing the emotions we experience are normal. When we are immersed in tears, we are not ‘losing it,’ but expressing our honest feelings involved in the loss – the change in our lives. Since nothing remains the same for long, being aware of these steps and being able to emotionally apply them gives us greater confidence and security in facing tomorrow.

Soul searching is not for the faint of heart but as Dr. Martin Luther King once said, “The truth will set you free.” It is good to take stock of what you have accomplished this year and what you still find most difficult to handle, what gives you pause. Once you decide to work on those feelings and situations you will be able to master them. Mastery brings a feeling of greater confidence and peace. Next year when you take stock of your life you will smile and think to yourself, ‘worked on that one and getter better every day!’

Have a great few days!

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Death, Taxes and Change

Death and taxes are said to be the only absolutes in life. I think we need to add change to this list since facing change is also an absolute. Change involves both endings and beginnings. Both have a great deal in common – losses and gains. The steps involved are consistent and predictable. As we face the new year let us embrace the changes ahead. By knowing about the emotional process of change it gives us greater confidence, a knowing that we can handle whatever life has in store. I find the following framework helpful in processing changes in my life. Hopefully, you will find it valuable as well.

Level 0 – We are not interested, prepared or expecting a change to happen. At first we may find ourselves in denial, anger or at least uncertainty. Is this really happening? Should I, must I – the what if’s begin to flood into our mind. Expanding our comfort zone can be unnerving.

Level 1 – The realization hits us that the change is likely. We may think we are not ready for it and fear enters our thinking. We think of all the downsides of the change, forgetting that ‘all is as it should be.’ We momentarily forget that the Universe doesn’t make mistakes.

Level 2 – Now the change is eminent. We ask ourself, ‘how will this DIRECTLY affect ME? ‘ We may worry, ‘can I really do this, cope with this and make it work?’ We go into survival mode, momentarily, wishing it would just go away. Gradually, sticking our toe in the water, we begin thinking more about the change and mentally ‘trying it on for size.’

Level 3 – At this step we accept the change and quickly want to know what and how to manage it. ‘What should I do first, second, and so on,’ we think to ourself, quickly trying to gain a sense of control. We may have moments of regret or worry but in our hearts we again strive to remember that ‘all is as it should be.’

Level 4 – Now we begin wondering or worrying about how the change will affect OTHERS in our life. We wonder what we can do to help them. Often, only time helps. They may not be experiencing any excitement or seeming advantage by the change so time is needed to let them get used to the idea and process through these steps.

Level 5 – We are now fully engage in the change and want to work with others to celebrate it. We are living with the benefits and challenges and gaining a sense of comfort with the process. It is exciting for us but others may still not be there yet. It’s okay. Loving support and the gift of time will continue to help. Everyone processes change in their own ‘right’ time.

Level 6 – Acceptance of the changes in our lives have become the new norm. We begin to gain more confidence in our ability to handle the next change that is inevitable in our life. We want to help others realize that they can also handle changes in their lives with patience, love and understanding.

Death, taxes and change are absolutes for all of us. They are part of the script we wrote before birth. There is a peace in knowing that!

Have a great few days and remember to embrace change in 2013!

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Listen and You Will Hear…

Often we receive advance notice when our loved ones are about to pass on. They seem to be trying to prepare us for the change that is inevitable. At the time, we frequently miss the message or refuse to accept it as a way to protect ourselves. We don’t want to say ‘good-bye’ or even ‘see you later.’ After our loss we remember the hundreds of wonderful moments in the lives of our loved ones and we inevitably come to relive the moment when the particular message was given to us from them. It hits you like a ton of bricks and you realize they really were trying to help you cope with their exit by giving you a message that ‘all is as it should be.’

These messages can be subtle (and not so subtle). In part of my book, I wrote about these type of messages from both my son and mom. Their ‘notice’ which I chose not to hear at the time, has served many times to remind me that there is a reason, season and life plan behind everything. How long is a life plan? Exactly as long as it is supposed to be.

As my mom pointed to a particular tree on my property she said, “When the last leaf is gone from that tree I will be gone.” Late evening on November 18, 1999, I was at her bedside vigil and took a break to walk outside, the leaf was still on the tree. Three hours later she took her last breath. As my sisters went in to spend time alone with the woman who had given her all as a mother and to wish her well on her journey, I walked outside. The leaf was gone from the branch above but still present, laying gently on the grass at the base of the tree. Its life force had changed but the form was still evident. I have the leaf encased in plastic as a reminder that messages are given to us for a reason. They help us to accept the seemingly unacceptable as all part of a plan greater than ourselves.

Loss and grief are something we all live through in our lifetime. We learn lessons about unconditional love, energy and the importance of being fully engaged in the moment.

May 2013 be all you wish it to be!

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My Christmas Wish

Christmas 2012 is only 3 days away! As we struggle to get into the spirit of the season we are reminded of what we experienced as a nation, a humbling of our spirit, this past week. We realize how quickly life can change and how imbalanced our world has become. It is up to each of us to do something to help us regain the balance we once knew.

To the parents who have lost their children, and the families who have lost their loved ones, my heart and prayers go out to you. I understand, I have been there too. I realize that there are no packages or bows that can heal your heart. Please know that the nation, the world is in mourning for those special human beings that gave up their lives to show us a better way. Each one is not only a national but world hero. The light of their lives will serve as a beacon of hope for all of us. They will be remembered. We are reminded of the proclamation, ‘a child will lead them…’

On my Christmas wish list I wish for a world that refuses to use or accept fear as a way of profiting or even existing. I asked for no more lives to be torn apart and for time to help heal all of our wounded hearts. I wish for a world that is full of peace and harmony. A world that causes us to remember that we are all our brothers (and sisters) keepers. A world that is just, giving and loving. A world that believes in truth and always strives to see the best in others.

As we remember the life changing events that happened last week, there is one Christmas carol that is especially meaningful to me. Let There Be Peace on Earth. The lyrics are especially fitting.

Let there be peace on earth and
Let it begin with me
Let there be peace on earth
The peace that was meant to be
With God as our Father
Brothers all are we
Let me walk with my brother
In perfect harmony
Let peace begin with me
Let this be the moment now
With every step I take
Let this be my solemn vow
To take each moment
And live each moment
With peace eternally
Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.

May you have a wonderful Christmas.

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Another Life, Another Tragedy

Another senseless death – a TSA worker simply doing his job – is gone. Didn’t the terrible tragedy at Sandy Hook elementary school teach us anything? For those of us who have lost someone it reminds us that life is fragile, there is no guarantee of tomorrow. As we watch others live through the stages of grief, from a loss that could have been prevented, we wonder what will it take, how many more lives must be lost before we are strong enough as a country to make the changes necessary to ensure greater safety for everyone. The survivors, the family members will get through this over time but never get over it. As we know the death of a loved one changes our life forever.

These innocent people, including children and public workers simply could not have died in vain. These deaths have brought our nation to our knees, momentarily stunned into silence, as we watch people run, yet again, from the sounds of a gun firing into a crowd of innocent people. Is it possible that these human beings have given their lives to teach us as a nation that life is sacred and that gun violence should no longer be tolerated? Do we take pride in being labeled the gun capital of the world? I think not, we are better than that – or are we?

In a recent interview former President Clinton said he is the only president who stood up to the NRA and won. It seems that our elected officials are more worried about being reelected – meaning not standing up to the NRA- that voting the will of the people. President Clinton explained that in a recent poll 92% of American people stated that they support a ban on assault rifles. Yet when the critical time comes to vote they are NOT EVEN AWARE of a candidate’s position on the topic! We are blessed to be able to vote freely in this country but with that opportunity comes an obligation to be informed on the issues before simply pulling a lever.

The words of President Obama in January still ring in my ears, “We must change…doing nothing is not an option,” they should cause us to wake up and face the truth in our country. We have allowed violence to grow to epidemic proportions. We pride ourselves in being the leader of the civilized world and yet experience 32 murders per DAY in the U.S. What can we learn from countries such as England, Australia, Germany and Japan who have acted decisively, in a nonpartisan effort, to assure the safety of their people and defenseless children? Can we check our egos at the door, finally, and say we can humble ourselves enough to learn from others? We are strong, we are intelligent but we are not invincible.

Piers Morgan of CNN has been relentless in his effort to help us understand the staggering statistics that, sadly, are unique to the U.S. Both professionally and personally he is committed to doing something to help. He is not letting the issue of our need for greater gun control drop as the rest of the country resumes their lives.

Senator Diane Feinstein saw the positive effect from the legislation to ban assault weapons succeed for 10 years, until 2004 when it expired as part of the sunset provision contained in the law. Yet, she has been back once again trying to pass legislation to ban the deadly assault rifles. As she said about Sandy Hook, “This is the straw that broke the camel’s back!” She is a model senator who will eventually receive the support of legislators in Washington when and if they are held accountable by us and not until.

What can we do to help? We must keep up the pressure to see assault weapon legislation passed again but this time with NO sunset provision. That will ensure greater safety for all of us – especially our children. Other major issues such as improved mental health services and reducing the amount of violence promoted on T.V., movies and video games must be addressed. Glamorizing violence, killing and maiming is simply wrong. When you put garbage in your mind you get garbage out. It is simply cause and effect. We know that we are what we think about most often.

The candidates running in the mid term elections in 2014 will be gearing up shortly. May we be strong enough, informed enough and tenacious enough to elect individuals who will do the right thing.

Please pass this blog on to others. We will need all the support possible to make the changes necessary in our country. Together we can change our world.

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Healing Through the Holidays

Another Thanksgiving and so many reasons to be grateful and yet… Although we may be struggling with the fact that there is an empty seat at the table, we remember the holidays when everyone was taking up their assigned seats and passing the turkey and gravy. Laughing and sharing what it meant to be together. Those were the times…

Loss has a way of catching you unaware especially during the holiday season. It creeps up on you and renders you speechless in mid sentence. Your voice catches in your throat and you pray not to be obvious to others. You think to yourself, I need to brush away my tears quickly so I don’t upset others. It is amazing what we do to appear strong to others.

The holidays are challenging to get through normally. Add the life changing event of loss to the mix and sometimes just getting through rather than celebrating is the best you can do. It’s okay. Most of us have been there or will be going through it sooner or later. No family escapes the sadness of losing a loved one. We are all travelers on this same path. It is predictable but not invited. The timing may be different but the gut wrenching ‘whys’ and ‘if onlys’ are the same. Maybe if we try to reach out and grab the hand of a fellow traveler and let them know we care both of our paths may be smoother. It’s worth a try.

Our loved ones want us to remember the special times we had, the unconditional love that still exists in our hearts and reflect on the gifts – large and small in our lives today. We see the victims of Hurricane Sandy and realize how quickly life can change. We have experienced devastating change in our own lives and have been altered -bruised and beaten- but we continue on because we realize that our loved ones may be gone from our physical presence but we will always have the special memories the ‘Kodak moments’ to remember. Memories like precious gems that grow more valuable with age are gifts that last a lifetime. We close our eyes and see the smile, hear the humor and feel the intensity of our loved one. We know we are enveloped by their unconditional love. When we feel the chill of loneliness surround us, we have only to remember the love. It will warm us and light our way toward tomorrow.

On one level we know there was a reason for their passing, ‘To everything there is a season.’ But knowing is one thing and understanding much less accepting is another. Our hearts and minds struggle to function in concert. This cruel twist of fate seems impossible to understand but eventually we stop fighting and demanding that it be different. Eventually, we move to a point of recognizing that we have more lessons yet to learn. Is is hard? The toughest thing imaginable. Can we speed up the process? No, we all heal in our own unique time and space.

So when you sit down with family or friends over this holiday let’s remember that our loved ones are around us always. We have learned a great many valuable life lessons. We are strong, we are survivors. Most importantly, we have learned both the value of unconditional love and that the energy of our loved ones last forever.

Robert Frost wrote a poem that may speak to you. It is entitled Nothing Gold Can Stay.

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

On this Thanksgiving eve may you remember yesterday with love and peace, celebrate today for the opportunity to make the day a little brighter and look forward to the challenges of all your tomorrow’s because you are loved.

As Frost said in another poem..
I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Have a great few days!

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Developing Plan B

The beloved Theodor Seuss Geisel, affectionally known simply as Dr. Seuss wrote a book in 1990 that has become a classic. It is entitled, Oh, the Places You’ll Go.” Although it has become the perfect gift to give others when they graduate from nursery school to graduate school, the thoughts and lessons are timeless, ageless and worth considering.

The book refers to the bang-ups and hang-ups we all experience in life and talks about the difficulty of ‘un-slumping’ ourselves when we meet a road block. The challenge of choosing the next path in our lives can be daunting even paralyzingly at times. All of a sudden (or so it seems) life has changed course and you are left questioning, ” What do I do next?” This is especially true for those of us who have experienced a major change in our lives, especially a loss. At first, time seems to stand still, then evolves into a slow drag stage. Sooner than we may be ready, life begins to resume at full pace – at least for the rest of the world. We are left wondering, does anyone remember that I lost a loved one who is irreplaceable to me? Do they see the bleeding of my heart? You think to yourself, my head knows what happened but when will my heart accept it?

Developing a Plan B for your life may take every once of energy you have and leave you breathless just putting pencil to paper but it is absolutely critical to do so. Plan B can become your life line – your reason to get out of bed in the morning. You may wonder, when will I shake this? Is there something wrong with me? Followed, of course, by the thought will I ever be the same again?

There is nothing wrong with you when you react like this to loss. You are gradually accepting that the change – the loss is real and no amount of wishing or hoping will change the fact that your heart is broken. It will take time and the loving support of others to help you regain your footing. It may take a lifetime – be patient with yourself. Beyond family and friends a talented grief counselor can help. Maybe that is why God/Universal Energy put these folks in our lives, to help us stand when we can not find the strength or will to do so for ourselves. Yes, your life will be unalterably changed but not stopped, not frozen in time. You will dig out of the hole you may be in and gradually see the light at the end of the tunnel. You may think you are slipping back into the morass of ‘why’ from time to time. It’s okay – you are okay. Remember, as my son said in my book, our lives are like a photo album with pages that are left blank. They will be filled in over time.

So what is the good news? You have memories to last forever. You were given the gift of unconditional love for another. No one can ever take that away from you. The depth of your loss is directly proportionate to the depth of your love. You loved deeply and well and have been forever changed by it. Deeper as a person, a little less quick to jump to conclusions and more aware of the magnificence and delicate nature of life.

You will be ready to help the next person who crosses your path when they experience a major life change or loss and will serve as a model of survival. Granted, you may be a little battered and bruised but upright nonetheless. When you run across someone that seems to believe there is an acceptable or normal amount of time for grieving you will think to yourself that they have a very important lesson yet to learn. Yet, you will be ready to help them when they experience a loss. Why? Because you have survived a major life change – or loss – and your loved one would want you to ‘pay your lessons forward.’ The Universe is about learning our lessons, being grateful for love and becoming more aware of the significance of our individual purpose.

Have a happyThanksgiving!

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