Official blog for the book "Just Behind the Door"

Posts tagged ‘loss’

Celebrate the Coincidences in Your life!

Deepak Chopra wrote a book entitled, ‘The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire’ which is still on my bookshelf 12 years later. His premise was that everyday coincidences are meaningful as they give us glimpses of the field of infinite possibilities that are at the heart of all things. He explained that we are connected to everything that exists and everything yet to come. When we begin to notice these coincidences – not as random happenings but as events of perfect timing – we begin to think more deeply about the implications in our own lives.

While the explanation above might sound a bit too philosophical to be fully understood, below are two examples that demonstrates the idea clearly.

A recent accident in the icy waters of the Spanish Fork River near Salt Lake claimed the life of a mother,Jennifer Groesbeck, age 25. In the partially submerged car, her 18 month little girl was found trapped after 13 hours, unconscious and dangling upside down in her car seat. Police and firefighters were called to the scene by a fisherman who spotted the car. Rescuers said that as they approached the car they definitely heard a female voice calling out for “Help” from inside the vehicle. But the emergency responders said the mother was dead and the 18 month old was not only unconscious but too young to call out. Tyler Beddoes, one of the rescuers said, ‘WE ALL HEARD THE SAME THING. How do you explain that?’ The good news about this story was that the baby survived and is doing well. The other good news is that it is yet another example of meaningful coincidence. It makes us stop and wonder – maybe even stretch our belief system slightly – about something bigger than ourselves. Was the rescue of this baby coincidence or miracle? Does it matter what we label it….No…but it does give us the opportunity to think more deeply about our existing belief system.

Deepak Chopra explains coincidences as messages from a higher source that are intended to guide us in ways to act that make our dreams and intentions a reality. A much different example of coincidence also happened recently. A text message was received from a bank which indicated a possible fraud had occurred on the owner’s credit card. Immediately following up on the alert it was found to be in error but opened up a much deeper and needed discussion, at the perfect moment in time, regarding life plans. What caused the text message to happened at precisely the right moment to stimulate the discussion? Was the message directed from a higher source? What I do know is that everything happens for a purpose and there is a great deal of loving support available to us that we cannot necessarily see with our naked eye. When we are receptive coincidences happen in perfect timing and are meant as a gift to help us along our path.

Take a moment over the next few days and watch when something happens – out of the blue – that causes you to think, feel or act differently. Would you have done so if the incident hadn’t presented itself at just the perfect moment in time? The interesting thing about the area of coincidence is that the more you recognize them the more they happen. They become like our guide on the side as we live out our time on planet Earth. Rather reassuring wouldn’t you say?

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Determining Your Authentic Self

Have you ever felt that you are not being appreciated or that you are doing all the giving or supporting in a work or personal relationship? If you answered yes to this question let’s look a bit deeper into it. Could it be that you are so interested in getting others to accept or appreciate you that you have not allowed your authentic self to show? Is the fear of people really knowing you blocking you from showing the world what you truly stand for? If so, let me assure you that being authentic draws people to you – not ever away. People can feel truth.

Being authentic starts by first determining what is most important to you in life. As unique individuals we each have specific values that we hold most dear – those things that are truly nonnegotiable to us. Think about them as your personal mission statement. Values such as love, accomplishment, fairness, compassion, confidence, courage, health, freedom, family, harmony, integrity, kindness, optimism, patience, service, trust, orderliness, peace, spirituality, and gratitude are just a few from a long list of values to consider. Each one speaks volumes. Once you determine your own priority of values navigating through life becomes so much easier. In essence, you become more confident and decision making becomes easier because you are more at peace in your own skin.

A helpful way to determine your authentic self is to choose five values that you find most important. You know, the ones that seem to radiate energy back to you as you consider them. The list of words above can be a starting point to consider. The list is long for a purpose. The process is important. Evaluating each word forces you to take the time to consider what it truly means to you. Determining your top five forces you to prioritize as you remind yourself of who you are in your heart. Once you have taken the time to determine your own nonnegotiable values life becomes easier. When you encounter decisions, challenges or obstacles (the should I or shouldn’t I) in life you have a measuring stick to help steer you on a course of action reflects the real you.

Growing more confident as an individual means that you allow your unique identity to be known by others. But…’what if they won’t like me or accept me for who I am’ you may wonder. It’s true not everyone may like you. Just as you do not necessarily like everyone you encounter. It’s simply a cold, hard immutable fact of life. There are bits and pieces in everyone’s personality that leaves something to be desired. It’s called being human. These little quirks in others can be overlook but the values behind them cannot. A person’s values determine not only who they are but what they will do in a pinch. That’s important to know. Likewise, if we try to morph ourselves into something we do not truly value in order to fit in or be accepted it just doesn’t work. We project insincerity or insecurity that is easily felt by others.

Determining the values you hold dear helps you project with confidence who you really are at your core. Just as truth has no versions – your authentic self has no versions either. Any future role in life will never define you because deep down you know what you stand for – no pretenses necessary. Taking the time to determine your authentic self is critical to self esteem. The process alone will help you begin to truly love yourself for all the strengths you possess and there are many! Give it a try and take the time to decide on your top five values … you’ll be glad you did!

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

An Author Worth Reading!

When watching another person struggle with a task how often have you thought, ‘Why don’t they just ——-?’ The answer seems so simple to us from afar. Yet could it be that our idea of a solution is simply not possible for a number of reasons? Could it be that our lack of understanding of their condition renders us judgmental? Think about the person who forgets things and is then frustrated by their lack of instant recall. We may think to ourselves, ‘Well, why don’t they just write notes to help them remember!’ Oh, if it were only that simple. It’s hard for us to understand or develop empathetic regard for others unless we can get close enough to walk in their shoes.

There is a new author on the scene who allows us to do just that with her writing. It is a beautiful combination of insight and empathy. She will deepen your view on what is most important in life. Lisa Genova writes about little known medical conditions involving the brain. She combines the specifics of the condition with the heart as she explains the life long challenges some have with acceptance. Her insight is remarkable. She wrote “Still Alice” (a book that has been made into a movie) about a woman who has early onset Alzheimer’s disease. Although this form of dementia only constitutes approximately 5% of all dementia cases the lessons that can be learned from it are life changing. Genova allows us to be a fly on the wall as we watch this once brilliant professor who at age 50 begins to struggle with tasks that had been second nature to her in the past. You might wonder why you would want to read about this condition – wouldn’t it be a depressing read? Quite the contrary! What I found was a much deeper understanding and empathy for those with this condition or any memory challenge. Knowledge is a powerful thing. Ultimately, we see the family members paying more attention to the most important thing in life …love. A review by the Boston Globe said, “I couldn’t put it down….After I read ‘Still Alice,’ I wanted to stand up and tell a train full of strangers, ‘You have to get this book.”

Genova has written two other books entitled “Love Anthony” which is about an autistic boy and the challenges his family has in raising him. “Left Neglected” deals with a traumatic brain injury caused from an accident due to texting while driving. It is so riveting that your blood will run cold if you ever think about texting while driving again.

It has been said that Genova has created a new genre in literature. She causes us to feel more accountable to heighten our understanding of the human struggle. Ultimately you will feel your empathy button pressed into action as you begin to see others through a different, more evolved lens.

Research tells us that the happiest and most successful people in life have developed an empathetic regard for others. Often this takes decades on planet Earth and develops from day to day experiences of walking in another’s shoes. Genova allows us to fast track the deepening of our empathy while causing us to be smarter in the process. It is a powerful combination!

Empathy reduces judgment to its lowest common denominator. It causes us to be better, wiser human beings as we combine our heads and hearts in the pursuit of greater understanding and love.

Do yourself a favor and pick up one of her books. You’ll be glad you did!

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Conditional Love is Never Enough

Have you ever heard someone say that their love for another was simply not enough? How can that be we wonder? It sounds ludicrous to the untrained ear yet when we listen more deeply we hear a love that was conditional – based on making someone else happy and meeting their needs. Eventually, it becomes apparent that it is a fool’s journey.

But we may think that if we really love someone we would want to make them happy, satisfy their desires or shield them from pain. Yet, when we are in a constant state of ‘doing ‘ for them we are actually impeding their own growth as human beings as well as our own. We have become simply a host organism that provides emotional, psychological and physical nourishment to someone with an insatiable appetite. Eventually exhaustion sets in.

For those of us who have perfected the art of being a people pleaser we may rush in where fools fear to tread to help, assist and even rescue someone from themselves. Eventually, the label of people pleaser looses its shine and we come to the stark realization that we have been important to others and valued by them for what we do – not for who we are – that’s conditional love and it hurts. Is it time to love yourself enough to say gently but firmly, ‘enough – if it’s going to be it’s up to you…not me.’

There are other forms of love. The highest being what the ancient Greeks called Agape or unconditional love. This love does not need, seek or expect. It’s much deeper than mere physical attraction. It does not depend on anything – it simply is … It’s the type of love that encourages others to grow and is big enough to move out of the way so that lessons can be learned in their own way and time. It’s not swayed by time or circumstance and cannot be bought or sold. It is Universal love. The kind that gives energy to us and envelopes us with a confident knowing that we are on the right path.

Unconditional love is an inside job. It must start inside ourselves first with a strong sense of self esteem and confidence before it can authentically radiate out to others. The question to ask ourselves is, do we love ourselves conditionally or unconditionally? A huge but critical thing to ask because we know deep in our hearts that conditional love is never enough.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Beyond Silence There Is Communication

Many of you have emailed me after reading my book, ‘Just Behind The Door,’ to tell me how the book affected your life. For that I am grateful. My intent was to share the experience of losing a loved one – my son- and what I learned from the subsequent decade of communication that has followed. The most important goal in writing it was to offer hope to others that our loved ones may be gone physically but their energy – their spirit – lives on and WE CAN reconnect with them – of that I am certain.

In another email received this week Linda writes, ‘ my mind was open (but since my son’s death) I have closed myself off from the other side. In the last year I have been thinking about opening up that door of belief but I’m a little scared. But because of your book I’m willing to try to open the door again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.’

Losing a loved takes our breath away. Life no longer holds meaning as we become lost in our grief. Yet, we are expected to heal and go on. Our minds know this but we can’t seem to communicate it to our broken hearts. I understand – I have walked the walk.

When we read about how others have attempted to cope with their grief in can give us hope that we will eventually make it through what is truly the most devastating experience possible. If you know of anyone who might need help in dealing with their grief please consider giving them my book, ‘Just Behind The Door.’ It might just serve as a lifeline for them when they need it most. This poem says it all…

If you look with your head and heart you will see:
Beyond chaos, there is reason
Beyond darkness, there is light
Beyond absence, there is presence
Beyond nothingness, there are infinite possibilities
Beyond pain, there is healing
Beyond brokenness, there is wholeness
Beyond anger, there is peace
Beyond indifference, there is connection
Beyond boxes, there is infinity
Beyond questions, there are answers
Beyond silence, there is communication
With communication, there is love, light and peace.

In gratitude to Linda and all of you who have taken the time to email me – I thank you.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

You Can Do It!

We all experience some days that are just easier than others. Those days when everything goes as planned energizes us. When we take a couple of minutes as we are falling asleep to reflect on the things that we were able to accomplish we say, ‘Yes!’ ‘Today was a good day!’ But when things seem to go awry and our Plan A has had to be changed to Plan B, C or even D how do we respond? Do we allow ourselves to be overcome with fear or thoughts that life just isn’t fair? Do we allow ourselves to get into a negative mindset of expecting more and more problems to surface? We all know how effective that mindset is – right? It can stop us in our tracks! What can we do to shake us out of a negative mindset? After all, we know deep down that what we think about most often will be delivered right back to us from the Universe with bells on. When the going gets tough it’s time to evaluate our thinking and remember the power we have had in the past to overcome.

We would all like to live a life of peace, comfort and joy but the reality is that we are, in fact, a work in progress. The challenges we have in life allow us to grow in confidence and appreciation of our own strength. We learn that we can face whatever comes along and learn from it once we decide to keep our grip on the present issues and not generalize them to encompass our entire being. In other words keeping perspective and not allowing ourselves to perseverate on the issues is so important. Just make a plan – an approach – on how to get through the latest issue and do it! Mulling over and over in our minds what seems to be going wrong is not healthy or productive. Let’s look at a more productive approach.

The first step is to take a moment to reflect on what we have to be grateful for – there are many things we have been able to do with our lives to date. We have had many more moments of success and happiness than challenges. If it doesn’t seem so at the moment, just check your own track record. It stands for itself. Remember the times when you didn’t think you could take any more and almost magically things seemed to turn around? You demonstrated the strength to persevere against all odds and won! Remember those times. They will give you the strength to carry on. The latest challenges at hand are something you will get through – one step at a time – when you keep your eyes straight ahead on your goals.

Clarity about what you do want (NOT about what you DON’T WANT) is the critical next step. What do you really want to accomplish? What do you want to become? Where do you want to be in the next year or in the next five years? Write 3 to 5 goals down and read them daily. By doing so you are actually attracting the positive energy to make your dreams happen. When you discipline yourself to take the time to write these goals down it gives you the energy, the fuel, to overcome even the most difficult situations that occur along the way because you will remember your vision or purpose for your life. Many people have heard about writing their goals down but sadly very few actually do so. Less than 10% of people take the time to write their goals out -they are the winners in life because they have discovered the secret of manifesting what they want. They use the fuel of the Universe to help them get there. You can join this group – all it takes is a piece of paper and 15 minutes of your time.

You are capable of overcoming any obstacle in life. Just remember any obstacle is a temporary condition. Don’t let it define you or stop you from achieving your goals. You are living proof that you have the strength and tenacity to get through even the most difficult situation. The adage, ‘If it’s going to be it’s up to me,’ is true. Remember your heritage. You have examples of loved ones or friends in your life who persevered against all odds and won. They would expect nothing less of you.

The beauty of our lives is that no one – absolutely no one – can rob us of a belief in ourselves and our ability to create the life we truly want to have – we are too powerful! Regardless of how many challenges we face we will make it through – of that I am certain.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Are You a ‘Fixer in Charge?’

Lending a hand, occasionally, to help others in time of need is important. After all, we find joy and reward in knowing that we have been instrumental in helping someone through a crisis. As with everything in life the ultimate issue is one of balance. At some point we might have to evaluate our efforts and decide how much time or emotional and financial support we are offering. Is it still enabling them to grow and become all they can be or has our involvement become so frequent that they now rely on us to solve their next problem or guide their next step. It’s so hard for givers to accept the reality that it may be time to back off and let someone that they care for experience the stress and challenge of their own circumstance. But when we are strong enough to stop ‘fixing’ we’ll see them experience the ultimate pride and self confidence that comes from wrestling with and overcoming their latest issue.

Life is tough and each of us has had to face a boat load of challenges and uncertainties. Some may have temporarily stopped us in our tracks. What caused us to persevere and learn resiliency in the process? Could it have been that help was no longer available or we chose to work it out ourselves by thinking ‘if it’s going to be it’s up to me?’

As givers we feel good inside when we see relief spread over the face of an individual we care about. Yet, we really do know intuitively when we are contributing to a person’s growth and when we have morphed into the role of an emotional or financial crutch. When we are brutally honest with ourselves we can admit when our ‘hand up’ has become a pattern or been reduced to simply a ‘hand out.’ It may be easier to say ‘Yes’ yet much more powerful to accept it when it is time to say ‘Enough.’

Maybe the lesson in all of this is actually ours. After all you can’t blame someone for continuing to ask or rely on you if you have established the pattern of being the ‘fixer in charge.’ We may even try to trick ourselves into believing that ‘they didn’t actually ask but we simply offered.’ Really? There are a multitude of ways to ask without verbalizing it. Taken to an extreme we may even justify our help by saying we have more or we can work harder to help ‘this time.’ But maybe – just maybe – we are unwittingly eroding their belief in themselves and causing them to become dependent on us.

Could it be that true love and caring for another is shown when we recognize if a defeating behavioral habit has been established and are strong enough to stop being complicit? It’s hard to break this habit of being there, continual giving or even rescuing someone we care about yet don’t we owe it to them?

Ultimate caring results when we are presented with an issue by someone we care about and rather than jumping in to fix it we ask them, simply and gently, ‘What is your plan?’ We show them that we have confidence in their ability to overcome. That’s heady stuff! Don’t expect to be able to do this the first time without feeling guilty. Breaking the habit of being the ‘fixer in charge’ is difficult. We may even wonder if they will ultimately hold it against us. That’s always a risk but if you love them – truly love them – set them free to experience their own trials and tribulations in life. If they come back to you it will be with a new found pride of accomplishment and resiliency in themselves that will last a lifetime.

Letting go of the fixing habit is hard but holding on past an expiration date is not healthy for anyone concerned.

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Appreciate the Challenges!

The feeling of appreciation and gratitude is the highest vibration we can give out to the Universe. Knowing that what we give out we get back double fold can you just imagine how our own happiness level would skyrocket if we made it a point to practice those feelings daily? Sometimes it takes work to put ourselves in a higher vibrational state. Challenges occur for all of us on a daily basis. Yet, some people can look at an issue confronting them and keep it in perspective by remembering all the other things they have for which to be grateful. What causes a person to be able to view life from such a positive position of gratitude? Did they just have an easier life?

Believe it or not, the research is clear, the folks that constantly offer a more positive take on things have not had an easy life. They did not have all the money, comfort or opportunities that we might first assume. They are the people who have endured loss, disappointment and other major life challenges yet realize, deep down that they will overcome. They intuitively know that everything happens for a purpose and it’s usually for the lesson. This belief empowers them to have faith in tomorrow and their own ability to handle whatever comes along. Overcoming the many challenges they’ve had in life has caused them to develop more confidence – a stronger sense of self. They have learned the power to endure – against all odds- which an easier life simply would not have provided.

Conversely when we read about the children of wealthy or famous people who have all the money and opportunities possible we often see individuals who are unhappy, depressed and unproductive. Why? They have never had to face the trials and tribulations in life that would have caused them to develop greater personal strength. Often these individuals look for ways to escape reality through artificial means and the longer they live the more they up the ante for more elaborate escape mechanisms. If we were to able to have an honest discussion with them and ask them how happy they are in their own skin their response would be so sad it would stop us in our tracks. We would wonder to ourselves how they could possibly feel badly given everything that has been given to them. Ah… and there’s the crux of the matter… the more we are given the less we appreciate it and the less we believe in our own personal strength and abilities.

We have the ability – right here right now – to change our lives by changing our perspective. Life is fair regardless of how difficult it is at times. We can become more confident, positive individuals when we grab whatever is thrown at us and believe that we will make it through – maybe a bit bruised but none-the-less whole and ultimately better than ever!

Have a great few days!

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

Are You Happy in Your Own Skin?

Have you ever met someone who just seemed to be happy in their own skin? It’s a wonderful thing to see isn’t it? What do they think or do differently that causes this level of confidence and happiness? I have noticed a few common traits among them that are worth considering. I’m sure you could add to this list.

These folks:

realize that life is not supposed to make them happy – that’s their job

understand that they are the genuine article – individual and special in every way

seem aware of the importance of ongoing growth of body, mind and spirit

breathe in each moment – observing and feeling more deeply then processing it all for the betterment of self and others

have learned to let let go of the ‘should haves, could haves and if onlys’ in life

realize that there is something much more powerful than themselves

never give up and are willing to regroup, rethink and redo when necessary

refuse to blame others for situations or issues and quickly accept their part in making it better

are willing to lend a hand up but not simply a hand out to others

realize the powerful difference between sympathy and empathy

find joy in the accomplishments of others

understand that ‘if happiness is to be it’s up to me!’

don’t seek applause for a job well done but with a deep seated confidence realize what they are capable of and just go about doing it

motivate us by their presence and celebrate with us as we live our life

are a joy to be around and quick to encourage us to stretch ourselves at ever juncture

remember the importance of gratitude for who they are and what they can do to make this world a little better place

We can practice these attributes and become happier in our skins. The amazing thing is that we have the power to join this unique club at any time in our lives. It’s something to think about!

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with:

The Importance of Self Love

Charlie Chaplin who was best known as a mime actor wrote a poem on self love. The whole topic of loving ourselves may, at first, be thought of as hedonistic. Yet, how can we ever truly love another if we have not first learned to love ourself? Often we are so busy on our quest to make others happy that we discount our own needs and desires and agree to do things that in our heart we really, really do not want to do. As a result we end up resenting the situation and over time even the person. Self love teaches us to be authentic and recognize our own feelings, needs and desires first. Basically, we allow ourself to say ‘yes’ AND ‘no’ without guilt. As we begin to practice self love we become happier and more self confident, authentic, and mature. We learn to back off and let others experience their own lessons in life. The help we offer is not to do something for them but to let them know that we have faith in their ability to overcome the issues that come up in their lives. After all, the more we rescue the more dependent others can become – and that hurts both parties.

In the poem Chaplin said, “As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at exactly the right moment. So I could be calm… As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is LOVE OF ONESELF.

Is it time to practice self love? It’s worth considering!

Have a great few days!

Category:

General

Tagged with: